Angry Dad Poetry

I'm basically the Chaucer of millennial parenting.

[stressdad-blog]

Why Am I Here?

Why did you call me 

to deal with our child

If you’re going to complain how

i deal with our child

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Unfolded Laundry

Come here little guy I got you, its ok Lets go downstairs and play *trips over laundry basket & almost falls over while holding baby* SH!T F#$% WHO LEFT THIS AT THE FOOT OF THE BED WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE IT

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Laughter

I love the sound Of your laughter Thump Silence Crying Did you hit your brother With that drum??

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Bath time

Are you ready for your bath? Are you ready for all the fun to stop? I'd love to skip it But we've skipped your bath For the last two nights. I can't wait until you're sleeping.

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Soaked

Oh god

you’re soaked

in urine

no wonder you’re screaming

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Back to Bed

I’m here 

to hug and comfort you

you’re still crying

its ok, i love you

stop screaming into my ear

if it doesn’t make a difference

whether i hold you or not

maybe

i will go back to bed

[stressdad-blog]

Washing your hair

I have to wash your hair So that it won't smell I enjoy your suffering Just a little bit As payback for your behavior

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Eat

What would you like to eat? Cookies and cake and ice cream That’s not real food How about Rice and chicken? I’m not making you anymore oatmeal The last five bowls went in the trash Mostly uneaten

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Alone with kids

Don’t leave me with them

You can’t leave

I won’t let you

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i like hugs but...

I like hugs, but

please don’t head butt me 

in the crotch

and leave a glop of animal cracker roux on my pants

just as i’m trying to leave for work

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Vacation

sigh

i'm so done

i need a month long vacation alone

where all i do is work out

and drink protein shakes

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Swimming

I’m done arguing about using the bathroom

Go swim in your urine.

[stressdad-blog]

No

No

you can’t watch aladdin

its 930pm 

no one is awake

even your mom has locked herself in the bedroom

no

ok yes tomorrow

[stressdad-blog]

Car Seat

i hate car seats

i hate them 

i hate scrambling and pushing and pulling and bending and stooping

i hate the screaming and crying and spilling and spitting

i hate all of it

i hate it