This is my creative outlet

This is me. The full me. This is how I write. How I feel. And who I am. And I'd like to share that with you.

[stridestofeelalive]

Tell me

Tell me that you love her. That you dream about her. And you think about her all day. Tell me that I mean nothing to you. Tell me that when you look at me, when you think about me, you feel nothing. Tell me that I’m wrong. That I didn’t catch your glance when I was drunk and took my clothes off. Tell me that you lied that night when you told me I was attractive and how you loved how you never know what I’m gonna say next. Cause I sure as hell with I lied to you. But you kept asking. Kept asking like you cared, unlike anyone has ever cared. You asked, an I didn’t deny it. I wish it told you no. I wish I called you a narcissist. But I didn’t. And now I have to live with that. Tell me that she means everything and I mean nothing. Because I want to forget about you. I don’t ever want to think, “what if?” or, “maybe...” because that’s fucked up. And I may be fucked up, but I sure as hell am still a good person. And lately I haven’t felt like I am. And I don’t deserve this. I’m not anybody’s “maybe if we break up” or “If things don’t work out, I’d totally go for you.” I’m in nobody’s back pocket. I’m not anyone’s “just in case.” Because I’m smart. And I’m funny. Because when I laugh it’s real and you know it. Because I’m curvy and I like that. I say what’s on my mind and I act how I feel. And I’m not afraid of what anybody thinks. I’m not afraid to challenge people. I am myself and that may be all I ever have. But I want you to tell me. I want to hear it from your lips and see it on your face. I want you to set me free. So I can be free to be the beautiful person I am and never think again, “maybe he felt it too.”

MARCH 18, 2016

[stridestofeelalive]

I want to get lost in a world where I won’t remember my name.

[stridestofeelalive]

I'm constantly hearing people tell my parents "you have such a beautiful daughter" I hear people telling me that I'm such a beautiful young lady. Relatives, friends, ladies at the nail salon. They all think that is what I want to hear. That I'm beautiful, pretty, gorgeous. Whether or not they actually find me attractive I don't know or care. I'm just tired of hearing it. Its not a complement. I mean not really. My face was not my choice. Maybe I'm just over thinking things. I'm sure most girls want to be called pretty, or beautiful. But I don't. Thats the outside. Its shallow and meaningless. In the end it doesn't matter how attractive a person is if they're not a good one. I want to hear that my smile is radiant. That I'm clever and brilliant. That I dress like a goddess. That I make you feel comfortable and want to talk about things that you can't tell anyone else. I don't want to be just another pretty face. And I don't need your shallow complements. Because I'm not concerned about how I look to you. I care about the difference I make in other peoples lives and strive to make them positive. I care about how I make other people feel when they're around me. But I don't care how beautiful I look to you. And I don't care about what you think of me. And maybe I am beautiful, but it's certainly not just on the outside.

[stridestofeelalive]

Falling apart It's like a row of domino's hitting the ground Issue is no one knocked em down They all tipped over all on their own There's nothing there to stop them That's how I feel right now Falling apart Nothing there to keep me Off the ground Struggling with breathing The world around me is spinning I'm so dizzy I'm falling apart And I cant find a specific reason I guess it's a little of everything I'm falling apart Diein on the inside I'm trying to hide Oh I know its worthless I can not decide On how to bring it to an end I want it to be over I need it to be over

[stridestofeelalive]

A journal entry of the girl who stopped to ponder

She stopped walking She turned off her phone And put hear earphones away And she stopped to write To write about the beauty that surrounds her The sky that was so blue and the clouds that were a cool grey The fading orange that freckled above mountain tops in the distance. She could only see the outline Of the dark trees And she began to ponder What do I want from this life I'm living? Once upon a time she may have said to be happy But she knows now She knows that happiness is a choice we choose from within And she knows that no one else can make her happy but herself And she also knows that time seems endless as a youth But its on it's way out And once its gone its not coming back And she asked herself again What do I want from this life I'm living? I realized that my life doesnt have to be extraordinary It doesnt have to be happy all the time It doesnt have to be perfect It just has to be free I want my life to be sincere I want to laugh and dance and sing Because i know the world is kind to me I want to be adventurous I want to hear music that ive never heard for the first time I want to read a book that will change my life forever I want to feel things I've only read about in books or seen on screen I want to meet people Intersect the path of the journey that lies ahead of them Become apart of the communities around me Share my love, my passion, ideas, and spirit with them I want to make this world better than it was before I came into it Even if its only by one act I have found that I crave the unknown I'm inspired by things I have never taken part in But most of all I have learned through this moment of self exploration That I would die just to feel alive NOVEMBER 22, 2014

[stridestofeelalive]

I believe there are different types of love The kind you feel for a friend, a child, or your mother But there is another love a deeper one The kind that grips your insides and squeezes your guts And makes you wonder if its all worth it And the answer is yes Every single time The pain doesn’t matter All you care about Is if they are happy That’s the love that rips you apart from the inside The kind I’ve read about in books and poems The kind that I so desperately want to be a part of But I do not even know of it exists in real life Maybe that love is only a figment of a desperate romantic’s imagination Maybe it can only be experienced by fictional characters But then again Maybe not

DECEMBER 5, 2014 (Via www.stridestofeelalive.tumblr.com)

[stridestofeelalive]

she was cold

but not the kind that could be heated with a jacket

her soul lacked human emotion

compassion

i've learned now, several years later

that it was not her fault

she wasn't born like this

her inability to love, trust

to feel compassion

can only be developed from years and years

of pain

i have learned

that you cannot

respond to hatred and spite

with anything other that love

otherwise

what makes you any better?

SEPTEMBER 26, 2014

Katie ( via www.stridestofeelalive.tumblr.com )

[stridestofeelalive]

the numbers are increasing

from 1 to 60

and it starts all over again

60 is the limit

I have learned that one thing

that has no limit is beauty

he's so beautiful

and i can't bring myself to tell him

but i hope he knows

and he's so beautiful

the kind of beauty that 

deserves to be acknowledged

i wish that I could just say hi

then maybe he would know that i exist

regardless

i hope he learns how beautiful

he truly is

I hope someday he can look into the mirror and see

I just hope he's happy

is that so crazy?

maybe i'm insane

maybe i've totally lost it

I can't be in love with him

i have never even spoken to him

It's just that he's so fucking beautiful

and i'm convinced that he is on the inside too

or maybe i just want to believe that he is

i lose myself in his smile

his soulful brown eyes

pulling me

captivating

i've definitely lost my fucking mind

OCTOBER 3, 2014

Katie ( via www.stridestofeelalive.tumblr.com )

[stridestofeelalive]

             We are so dedicated to trying to find meaning in in things. Tryin to define our lives. When there just might not be any. There might not be a god, or a life after this one. But what is real is this. This is happening right now. Our lives a slipping away and we don't even know it. Don't spend so much damn time in front of a screen. Don't wake up one day thinking, "Fuck, I should have been out living my life instead of watching T.V." Don't wake up one day when you are eighty thinking, "I should have kissed that boy. What would have happened if I told him how I felt?" I don't want to feel like this one day. I want to tell stories when I'm old of all the things I did do-not what I should have done.

[stridestofeelalive]

                I've heard that life is only as important as you fool yourself into thinking it is. From an astronomical standpoint, we are only a speck of dust in a colossal universe. If that's the case, why are you so afraid? Why should you give a damn what other people think of you? Earth could blow up and have a minimal effect on it's surroundings. That makes our lives, worries, anxieties, problems, so meaningless, so small. So why have low-fat fro yo when you can have ice cream instead? Why act shy because that boy makes you nervous? Why don't you just say "fuck it". Fuck it. I'm not gonna worry about my acne, or about that patch I missed when I shaved my legs this morning. I'm gonna walk these hallways with my head held high, wind blowing in my hair, and I'm going to look like a fucking goddess. Our lives are so unimportant and meaningless. Might as well say "fuck it" and do what makes you happy.

[stridestofeelalive]

I sit here

a desk in the back

the world's spinning around me

things being said

I can hear it

but nothing registers

everything seems muffled

but none of it matters

I sit here 

slowly fading away

in the aura that is my imagination

physically I am breathing

but in every other way 

I'm suffocating

every breath I take is

dirtied by the ignorance around me

particles of dust formed from petty hatred

covering a windshield, blinding

I'm sitting in this classroom

and I'm drowning

in what?

It's surely not normal

But I don't think that I care

none of the external is of any relevance to me 

not the teacher attempting to instruct

not my peers

bitching about where they'd rather be

what is relevant

is the present

my struggle to live right now

I don't know where I am

but I know it's not here

a constant tug of war

between my mental and physical state

they're not in unison

my body is in this desk in the back

but I am not

SEPTEMBER 16, 2014

Katie (via www.stridestofeelalive.tumblr.com)

[stridestofeelalive]

Pablo

September, 2014

The intention of this drawing was to illustrate the impacts life and time has on the youth. On the left hand side there is the older man. And on the right hand side there is the face of a young boy. The man himself is a cross between the both. Being aged on the outside but still has the youthful joy on the inside.

(via www.stridestofeelalive.tumblr.com)

[stridestofeelalive]

Henna