A Quiet Space To Breath Deeply In And Out

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My brain is yelling itself horse into my ears and putting pieces of it back together is another dimension that I have no experience with.

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The Cosmic Turtle

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Realism

All these years later the blood and the toil, you still outshine the sun and the moon, the stars coalescing into a single being encompassing the whole of creation. Never forget this world will break you open, but you and I are children of the stars, a collection of heavy elements fused in the nucleus of supernovae, the product of millions of years of trial and error, as perfect as it’s possible for a collection of hydrogen, helium, oxygen, and other trace elements to be. No one can take your birthright away, you are the daughter of the solar system. You my love, can outthink the sun, and make music, no where else in any infinite drop of the multiverse does your voice sound more like church bells and doves as it does on this Earth.

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Adderall poetry

I clench my teeth when I’m anxious but I’m worth it to myself I have the air in the room sucked out when you’re down the street with him

Masculine chest clenched cliche in Gesthemene you hurt we may laugh when we’re thirty.  

My nose still bleeds but at least she loved me.

Pregnant with sin ill never break hipbones I'm sorry, though I still want someone to choke me when we fuck I’m too skinny for you.

I’m jealous but the lord sings through my bones I’m strong when you won’t be.

Fill me with saltwater thrown up after swallowed the goddamn moon’s on my back.

My body is a war 

Can you hear it my dear how should i stay healthy?

I’m too skinny for you. 

Though,

Im a prince without you 

You never turned me on anyway

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Heirloom

When your heirloom’s wilted brown When the devil’s pushing down When your mourning has a sound And you hesitate to laugh How quickly will your joy pass And when you walk inside I feel the door So do you think I came to fight? And do I always think I’m right? Oh no I never meant to be a pest to anyone this time Oh no I only meant to be a friend to everyone this time

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Grade A Cutie!!!!!!!!

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My heart is so heavy tonight, and my thoughts are racing. Seeing you cry without being able to help is too much for me. I hope you can find the light somewhere this week, you and your friends are all beautiful, and you all deserve the sunshine.

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Briars

In the morning i watch light drip golden through all my windows. All my plants are so happy now, they grow tall and green and reach their beautiful arms up to the sun. I water them each day, the hanging vines, the hibiscus my grandmother gave me, all the succulents that grow fractals on my windowsill, the Boston fern in the corner (not too much light for him), and they make me so happy. They remind me that i need the sunshine, they remind me to seek out the light in the dark places.

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This year I rescued two kittens from an abandoned chicken coop way off somewhere in the prairie thickets of northern Oklahoma.

I think about their brothers and sisters, the one that was run over by a lawn mower, the two that were ripped apart by owls, their mother whose legs were eaten off by wolves shortly after their rescue. Out of the suffering and death, these two beautiful kittens curling up with each other each night in total safety, reminds me that there is no light without darkness. 

I don't know when the shadow will come for my plants or my kittens, for me and my friends, but i know it will, and it terrifies me.

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When i was a very young boy my dad handed me a rifle and told me to shoot a deer, i sat in the frost until dusk. A buck walked in front of me as twilight fell, i did what i was told and i looked straight at it and blew a hole in its gut. The flash of gun and spray of blood all across the trees is etched in my mind forever, a gunshot at night is a small atom bomb. I tracked it’s blood trail through the woods and found it tangled in razor vine and covered in blood and things i can't bring myself to say. I watched that beautiful thing die gasping for air right in front me. It took hours. I ran back through the pine trees on a night with no moon, terrified of the wolves, pointing my rifle and anything i heard rustling in the trees.

My dad found it the next morning and congratulated me. We strung it up a tree until the blood was all in a bucket, then we took knives and cut out it’s organs. Thats when i realized how close the darkness is to all of us, and how uncaring and unflinching it can be.

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Now i’ve chosen instead to try and carry the light with me. There are nights that are long, and my ember burns so feebly, but in the sunshine it blazes forth and fills every corner.

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The follow up happy post

I'm building a new life, right here in the Plaza district at 18th and Blackwelder. My jazz trio is starting to gig and make some money, my band is starting to come into its own, and we are starting to travel all over the country doing what we love. I cannot wait to see New York City again this summer on tour. To see the sunset over the East River, and to be there playing music with the people I love is an opportunity that not many people will ever get. I'm starting to teach drumset to kids, and seeing the difference I can make in another persons life is so amazing, I never thought I would have an opportunity to do that. I have a beautiful girlfriend, and I love our relationship. We support each other, and we lift each other up in an extremely healthy way. We are also building up a collective of artists and musicians here in OKC to help work for the greater good. We are working on fundraisers for planned parenthood, and for LGBT youth organizations. The artists we get to work with are beginning to be a breath of fresh air in such a suffocating, and deeply prejudiced political state. I still have such a long, long, way to go, and the future simultaneously amazes, and terrifies me. I still have bad nights, I still have panic attacks and can't sleep. But I refuse to give up, things are looking bright. I can see the first rays of sunlight breaking over my stormy past and present, and I'm setting a course for uncharted shores.

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The king of burning bridges.

It's hard to convey the things I feel. I haven't even been on here in months and months because I didn't allow myself closure, and seeing how everything was, and how everything is now, is still so painful to me, and I'm not sure why. I absolutely had to leave because it was hurting me so much, how much I loved you, and how hard you were on yourself, and me. It was tearing me apart. And I was just absolutely terrified when I left, terrified you would hurt yourself, terrified you would hurt me, terrified of the immediate future. Moving out felt like a desperate attempt to change something in myself for the better. Though waking up with angry drug dealers at my front door just left me even more terrified. So I got out again. I burned those bridges too, though I didn't feel bad this time. Almost a year later, I feel like I'm just starting to process. Leaving left me completely financially unstable, in the middle of pushing so, so hard to make my dreams come true. I can honestly say leaving was the absolute hardest thing I've had to do. Now, much later, with more career success the pressures of having three jobs, going to school, and playing every weekend is starting to get to me. And I just need to work through these things for myself. I'm starting to realize that I absolutely must deal with the painful things from my past before they swallow me whole again. Now I'm with her, and you're with him, and it looks like you're really starting to do well, and honestly even though it still hurts a lot, I'm glad that you are starting to come into yourself, I only ever wanted you to see yourself the way I saw you. And I'm so so happy to see that for you, I'm sorry it couldn't be me, but maybe I was terrible for you, maybe I was terrible for myself, and all I can do is say how sorry I am. I'm realizing my own mental health issues are so important, now more than ever, and I just need to get this out there for myself. I don't know how to interact with you now, and that's scary, and it's hard. I'm so bad at these situations. I can understand absolutely if you don't want anything other than passing interactions, maybe that's the best. But it feels wrong, and I want us to be friends.

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Untitled

Under a gold-red sun the garden stretched into the arms of the earth. She moved circles, candle lit under blankets, oak wood floorboards. Halloween flashed by last year, left me reeling into the autumn of another dime a dozen breakdowns through early November The leaves fell cliches, red and gold in the moonlight I used my own feathered ego as a punching bag, we all fell asleep a mile above Albuquerque while coyotes plotted on the mountain Young mountains paved the road to the mile high city, blinking stars as the wolves meowed, and we fell together again briefly under a sky full of breathless eyes Spin my headaches faster than i could tell tall tales, and I'll leave myself drunk in the city at two a.m. Fuck only sometimes, the softest parts of me crawl out from the grass to spin my head around the fact that I throw everything I find away. And I leave myself with nothing but the hope that life may get a little more fair, the solemn vow of ears filled with cotton and a head in the clouds.

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Strings

My heart hurts. Like it hasn't in years. Oh you are a firefly in a jar I wish I didn't have to drop. But my hands are sore, and my heart aches to feel right. And to feel, like I don't have to hurt you anymore.

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Takes me away

The music is modern, i see San Francisco glistening through the fog from twenty thousand feet up.

Its the twenty first century and i can fly.

The music is floating. 

I remember Seattle swollowed by Puget sound, and i swear the air smelled like coffee and sea salt.

The music is folksy.

I can see Oklahoma in middle Autumn. Pine smoke and pumpkins, gold painted sunsets at six, light coats feeling thin. The plains blaze under a harvest moon.

The music is sunny.

I see southern California, surfing in the ocean and feeling the weight of the deepest Pacific waters come thundering down on me with every wave. Sun bleached blondes and skateboarding all night.

The music is jazz.

I see Oklahoma City in shades of blue and green just like Miles played. The notes plaintive and brooding. Driving down Western Avenue from midtown to Edmond feeling Kinda Blue and dreaming of Portland in the rain.

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Wolf Mountain (Demo), by The So Help Me's

My Band is doing cool stuff! check it out and thanks!

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Talking through it.

I'm still scared of the way you acted that night, and I'm even more scared of the fact that I couldn't stop you. You almost died two times in as many seconds. When you lunged for that knife and the cops tackled you and you were screaming and trying to hurt them, something inside of me changed. I can't tell you what because I honestly don't know. I don't know. I have never seen you act that way I have never lost anyone that I loved because I've loved so very few people truly. And I almost lost you By your own hand, with a butchers knife. To the cops nine millimeter. To a jail cell. To a psych ward. And I came so very close to losing myself. I stood there covered in blood while you faught the police. And you didn't know who I was, and you didn't know where, or who you were. When they took you away I thought you were gonna be gone for a long, long time. I cleaned off the blood, I went to the hospital, and I yelled at the receptionist because they wouldn't tell me where you were, and I knew you were there and I couldn't deal with not seeing you. But you weren't there, and I threw up in the parking lot. I didn't sleep for three whole days. And when they let you out I didn't know what to say because I was still in literal shock. And when I held you in the Midtown district on a rainy Sunday when they let you out to me, it felt like the earth had shifted and someone had tried to stitch it back together and had done a pretty damn good job. But they weren't perfect. And I still deal with the fact that if I had done what you did I would be in a jail cell still today. And you would have pressed charges. And you would be right to. But honestly Im not mad at you. I'm just scared for you in the future. I'm scared that you can be so violent towards yourself. And I'm scared that you'll hurt yourself. And I'm scared that I love you past the point of it being healthy, for either of us. But having you in my arms is something that I couldn't describe in words. And I'm as strong as glaciers. i don't feel weak. I feel like this has made me stronger, braver, more determined to make positive changes. And I hope that you feel the same way too. Because you can't break me, And I know this. I just hope you don't break yourself. I Love You But the stakes are high. And I am still scared.

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Unused lyric #3 October 2014

I can't save you, I can't save you from god, They are the song that god won't sing, she stretched them from clay made them instead of me Algae blooms from the pillows at night, as I kiss gods face she sings me to sleep I would kiss your bleeding hands, I can't save you, I can't even try, I'm not god I would kiss your bleeding hands

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Unused lyrics #2 august 2014

When can I come home, I've heard the mountains are on fire again. When will she ever know, the fisherman are empty handed tonight, splitting hairs with divinity. She sighs the Prairie sky awake in the darkest nights, she shouts the moon awake at night while she's so high She sang the city lights to sleep on 23rd street where she left my lonely yellow bones to bleed, I cut the brake lines out on I-235 like burning bridges through the city to survive I left the mountains for the streets where I met my friends in broken theatre seats, I brought the country air into the back alleyways where the city lights go to sleep She sighs the Prairie sky awake in the darkest nights, she shouts the moon awake at night while she's so high She sang the city lights to sleep on 23rd street where she left my lonely yellow bones to bleed, I cut the brake lines out on I-235 like burning bridges through the city to survive