I’m living this life all along by attending my church and worshipping the Lord every Sunday. It helped me get through with all of my self-doubts, insecurities, overcoming failures and being able to survive my days. It is my turning point when I started to worship the Lord more than I could ever do. It was 2015 when most of the unexpected and unpleasant days happened. From failing my board exams to losing significant relationships, I feel truly depressed. It’s like the world lead me to nothing but sadness. My only relief is isolation and self-depreciating thoughts. Later, 2016, with all of those experiences, it helped me become closer to God. 2015 is my own blessing-in-the-breaking. I learned about God, I worshipped Him and feed my spiritual life with His words and songs. It was wonderful.. until today that I am now a working girl who spends most of my time w/ friends and family members.
I thought everything is enough for me, that I have to spend my time spontaneously on these things but honestly, at times, it just feels empty inside.
I attended hillsong’s concert last night. It was magical, more than wonderful. It’s indeed euphoric. I am much in awe to see people gathering, singing, and have much motivation and inspiration (than I do) to encourage people to follow God. It made me realize that life should be lived not only up to the fullest, but should also be lived according to His will, to follow Jesus and to discover the purpose that He declared upon you. Living your life doesn’t make things truly fulfilling, but worshipping the Lord does. My heart is so full because I know that day by day, I am getting closer to knowing the Lord as I’ve decided to follow Him in all my days and to lift up all my worries and dreams to Him. Last night totally fueled (my empty soul) me (so much) that it has kept me awake and excited for incoming days. If you have visited my blog, you probably knew that I have depression, that I’ve stated that I might nearly see a psychiatrist because of my self-diagnosed, not truly diagnosed ADD. My emotional volatility and dysthymia-like symptoms almost killed me. It made me feel dead in a living body. I am anhedonic and nothing seems to go on right on track. I am coping through worship, journal writing, bible reading, exercise, strolling around and many more (the goal is to keep my mind busy so negative thoughts won’t sink in). Today, I am very glad and really feel joyful to let you know that I am starting to rule out my self-diagnosed ADD and I am at step one to forever in discovering my potentials and doing self-repair.
I’ve never been this happy in my whole life. Nothing will really make you feel contented except the Lord’s word and presence. You are powerful Lord, You take away all my loneliness, You have given me purpose – to know who I really am and to let you hold my hand as I walk this journey alone. Holy is Your name. I couldn’t thank You enough for letting me experience this life and to teach me the service of grace in my off-guarded moments. You are precious as well as this life that You have given me. You are my hero. You are my light. I am slowly healing and continuing to grow in Your love. Last night have brought my faith higher, so much higher that every testimony made me cry. I feel very sorry for not recognizing all of what You’ve done for me, of not being able to see things the way You do, of prioritizing my selfish emotions and losing the chain of my impulsive behavior. I’m a sinner and You’ve accepted me just the way I am. There is no one in the whole world that could replace your unconditional love. I am not looking for someone to complete me, because You already did it, You are currently working on with my life. I have failed to feel Your presence every day while all along You are just there waiting for me to listen to You. I’ve lost myself in the process but now I have completely identified myself with You. All of these things, I owe it to You. I love you very much Lord. You’ve made me a brand new person. My own thoughts could never get matured and my own feelings would never be looked over without meeting You. I promise You I’ll be like You in my own way – up to the best of what I can be; then I’ll teach them Your word. Their time will eventually come, their breaking is coming, their discovery will soon happen – and by that time, I will still continue my journey with You until we earn peace here on earth and lose most of the evil things that disrupt our lives.
“I delight to do Your will, Your law is within my heart.” – Psalm 40:8
Always and forever, Lord.
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