again, like i always say, it's been a while since i did blog again. this Christmas break i have been busy cleaning my room, organizing my collection of photocards, been frequently outside with my family and i haven't had much time to open my laptop and write something.
my mind is in chaos right now, i don't know how to feel, but it feels just like you know it will happen but the least you expected it to come true at least. my mind dove into the depths of the unknown and i feel like i've lost my identity in some way. i know it's my mistake because all along, i tried to build and know myself in the best way and i have labeled so much of myself while i was been undiagnosed for so long. most often i feel proud saying, i have adhd, i have depression all because i was confident and i feel like i have accepted the fact that i have it all. but not until then i went online to see my very first psychiatrist, Doc Liezl.
she asked the reason for consult, i said i have insomnia and severe anxiety, she asked about the family background and how i get along with them, i told her that i'm in good terms with them now but i cannot be more open to my mental health needs because they would only dismiss it. she didn't ask any more questions aside from what else can i ever acquire my anxiety from. but i blame it to the pandemic, i became so isolated and the feelings arise in an extreme level. i told her i have depression and that i have intention of harming myself, but not for long. 2023 is my healing period, i have overcome everything (i think so), that's why facing 2024 is a whole new journey for me because i want to be diagnosed early and to become even more prepared in the future.
in the course of my existence, i saw fluctuating anxiety and depression go hand in hand whenever i have life transitions. i get used to just have them, feeling it every single day, there are days i don't want to exist and it's fine, there are times i make excuses not to attend events because i'm anxious and it's okay too. not until then i had so many anxiety attacks over the years and now it was lessened but when it happens, it's so severe that i couldn't get up from bed and i almost don't sleep.
Doc Liezl has heard all of this. She is much aware from the start that i have core symptoms of anxiety -- intense fear, fatigue and lack of sleep. that brought to her attention of diagnosing me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), which is i'm not surprised having with. before i came to her, i was thinking a lot if i have ADHD, borderline personality and that GAD. but after being diagnosed, i just realized that there's much to it. i cannot just rely on the criteria and tell myself i have it. an experienced psychiatrist should diagnose me and do a lot of tests for me to get over with my symptoms. currently i was prescribed with an antidepressant and an antipsychotic. She said that i have a lot of thoughts in my head and that her goal is to keep me calm first and have better sleep before she conducts other assessments for me like ADHD and bipolar assessments and stuff.
i don't know if this feels normal for someone who has been diagnosed, i don't know if feeling confused is just normal or if feeling a little bit under the weather is okay. she told me that my depressive symptoms shifted into anxiety symptoms and that anxiety has become my core symptom that lead to GAD. i didn't think of it that way but i have understood it better because of her.
hoping for brighter days but im just glad that i have more time to spend for myself this week and of course another time to reflect on things properly before i go back to work soon.
happy 2024 everyone. the journey of striving to get to know yourself is really difficult but once you've stepped on top, it will be a straight and longer road ahead, and we're much ready to face it soon.
i just want to be happy, that's what i always say to myself.
