Now that I've almost 30 hours on this pt I need to flesh out a bit my thoughts, like
His bg is Colonist - Sole Survivor and I've never played those so it was kind of a rollercoaster of emotions. I initially planned a Renegon pt because it made sense that he was so scorched by such events that the results impacted both his personality and his morality.
In the cases of Ontarom and later the Citadel, when he faces his past, it's very visible that the Renegade choices - perceived as a "lack of empathy" - can have a double reading. He's tired, he's overwhelmed, he doesn't want others to lecture him on how he should react.
In Ontarom, when confronting Toombs, he's genuinely incredulous someone else made it. That someone else experienced the same thing and they're there to tell the story.
I think that, in his head, the whole thing is so hurtful that he perceives it more like a nightmare than something that really happened. Something only he had an experience of and doesn't think it's real even if it is as real as it gets.
Like, he shut that door in his past and in his head. He couldn't process it properly, because he was afraid that if he dwelved into it, he would've broke.
He offers himself to kill Dr. Wayne, because he perfectly knows how justice works. The more politics and bureaucracy get in the middle of that event, the more it's shared and diluted.
But it's his trauma, his pain, somehing nobody else except himself and Toombs can really understand.
And also, what if the guy escapes? What if he makes a deal with Alliance and gets away with it? It can't happen.
Justice has to be made and he's willing to take the bullet and save Toombs from another nightmare, another fault he doesn't have. The man is a victim, not a killer.
In the Citadel, there's another instance of "things I shut down in the dark side of my brain for the sake of my mental health, that now are overwhelming me to the point I just wanna leave and never come back".
It's a "what if that was me?" scenario from both parts. Like, he thought he had it bad, now he's slammed in the face with a giant "it could have been worse" hammer. And I don't think he'll ever move on from it.
He managed to get through it in the past, mourned his family and his friends, but meeting Talitha not only awakens that pain but it brings another layer of hurt on his already traumatized self.
Bring Down the Sky, in fact, was An ExperienceTM
He tries his best to be objective, to see Batarians as people and not the enemy, and for some time he manages to make that distinction. His finger trembles on the trigger of the gun when the squad meets Charn. Luckily he manages to remain calm and deal with the guy, despite his whole body is craving blood.
Killing him would have been easier, a sweet revenge, but he needs to move on with his life and show to himself that he's not like them, that they don't have power over his action.
But when he meets Balak, all of this moral strength evaporates. He doesn't want to let go, to let him go.
And this decision kills other humans. Humans that helped him to reach the point of confronting the villain, and he sacrifices them without thinking twice.
For what tho? For avoiding another tragedy by the hand of terrorists, or for selfish revenge?
The line is so thin it looks invisible.
And he taunts Balak until his last breath, perfectly knowing that he went too far, stopping to care for a moment of self indulgence. And he's still full of this sense of gratification when he opens the door where the hostages were kept.
In that moment he realizes how much letting him have his little moment of retaliation costed.
He sees failure in himself, and everything stops having sense.
After that, for a while nothing else has value other than completing the missions he's presented with without a single care on how he acts and reacts.
He's now the product of his past, and he's tired of fighting it.
But when he thinks he has reached the point of no return, here comes Noveria.
He has the occasion to be the best humanity can offer, and he takes the chance without thinking twice.
He knows he's broken beyond repair, but it's a matter between him and himself, it can't prevent him from fighting for a better galaxy. Saving the queen is just the start.
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