Stupid Shit I've Said

Literally just a bunch of things I found written in numerous notepads and on my phone's notepad, including, but not limited to, things my family have said, my friends have done, stories I've overheard, and things I have written. Take nothing here seriously. Or do. I don't care.

[sorenbowie]

My Day So Far: A Haiku

Closely look into

the rim of the urinal

who shaved their face here?

[thisdanobrien]

hey so i met a guy at my job and we're like together now and one of common interests we have is reading cracked and like watching ocpd/the like and just i feel like i should thank you cause you're great and make good things happen in people's lives.

That’s great to hear! In accordance with state law, I now own fifteen percent of your relationship. You are of course welcome to buy my shares out (at tremendous personal cost, obviously), but in the meantime I look forward to being a part of all of the major decision-making processes that are in our collective future re: this relationship. Please fax copies of both of your birth certificates and medical records to my assistant Soren Bowie and he’ll get the paperwork started. Additionally, I can’t wait to see what you two cook up for next quarter’s All-Hands meeting, wherein you will present your five year plan to me and the rest of the board. An accompanying powerpoint presentation is not necessary but strongly encouraged. Please send whatever slides you have to Soren Bowie at least 24 hours prior to the meeting.

It goes without saying that, should you ever have a child, it will be named Daniel or another name deemed suitable by me (likely either “Lesser Daniel” or “Hamcat”).

Yours in Christ,

-Big Daniel

[sorenbowie]

Everyone, please stop sending me faxes full of your personal information. How did you even get this number?

[thisdanobrien]

I’ve Been Putting a Hand-Drawn Picture of a Cat in My Company’s Suggestion Box Every Day for Two Months

I think I can go ahead and call this another entry in the “Long Cons That Didn’t Pay Off” file.

A few months ago, I put this post it note on my office computer.

Whenever anyone asked about it I’d say “Don’t worry about it” or “It’s personal” or “Oh, that’s right, cats, I almost forgot, thank you.”

Then I’d draw a picture of a cat, write a date on it…

…and place it in our office’s Suggestion Box. I did this every single day I was in the office. Here are some of the cats I made.

It’s important to have fun with your hobbies, so I made sure I varied my style and even embraced some weird impulses.

Hey, look at this cool fella!

Uh huh. I think I was sad that day.

I did this because I (and you) deserve to have as much fun as I (and you!) want, and because long cons lead to some of my favorite jokes. The ultimate end goal of this long con was an email. I was going to put a picture of a cat in our suggestion box every single day until some frustrated administrative employee of the company sent out a company-wide email that said “Whoever keeps putting pictures of cats in the suggestion box, PLEASE STOP.” I wanted that for two major reasons, but first hey do you want to see this cat I made?

That. Cat. Fucks.

Anyway, reason number one was Magic. There are about 400 people in this office (Cracked is owned by a larger media company). Those people come to work and go about their day, and one day they’d see an email about a very dedicated, insane, mystery person who has evidently been filling the suggestion box with dozens of hand-drawn cat pictures, one every single day. That email (the “Please stop putting pictures of cats in the suggestion box; this is a business” email), would serve as a reminder; life is weird and funny and stupid and sometimes stuff like this happens, and isn’t that wacky and fun? You live in a world where some goofball could get bored and draw forty cats with seemingly no end game or motive. Isn’t the world a wacky and fun place to live? Look at this fat piece of shit.

Reason number two was just make Soren and my other immediate coworkers laugh. The joke would be simple. We all get an email that says “Whoever keeps putting pictures of cats in the suggestion box, PLEASE STOP.” And then I would nervously crumble up the post-it note that says “CATS” and reassure the rest of the team that it probably isn’t worth looking into, and I wouldn’t draw any connections between that email and my behavior over the last two months. Then all of my coworkers would see what I’ve been up to and marvel at my dedication to the joke, because we’re all good joke-makers here, and Game respects Game.

But that email never came. I’ve been drawing pictures of cats since June, since fucking June, you guys, here’s another cat.

No one’s said anything. No one’s said a god damned word. And I know what you’re thinking: “The suggestion box is obviously just for show, they have it to placate the employees, no one ever checks it, and now it’s full of cats.” But you’re wrong. Dead wrong. I can see into the box, I KNOW someone has been emptying it. We even had an all-hands meeting where our CEO addressed the suggestion box specifically to call out the most popular suggestion (it was something about not pictures of cats so who even gives a shit).

Someone has been going through that box, at least at the end of every week. This person has been stoically ignoring what at this point is an obvious cat problem that someone at this company has. This person wants to go on pretending they’re NOT looking at pictures of cats every day, this person wants to pretend that the world isn’t like it is. You fucking rat. You fucking rat in a maze.

But you know what? This person (who again is choosing to REJECT THE TRUTH THAT IS ALL AROUND THEM), this person is stronger and more dedicated than me. I can’t keep making cats. I can’t keep making cats for this joke that’s never going to pay off. I had a lot of fun, I feel like I have a better understanding of what a cat nose looks like and I had an excuse every day to get up and move my legs a little bit, but I don’t want to do this anymore, so I’m stopping, so I lost, so I’m a loser.

But the REAL loser, I think you’ll agree, is everyone else who ISN’T me. They lost because they’ll never be party to the EXPERIENCE that I wanted to provide them with (completely free of charge, I forgot to mention). They won’t have the memory of that weird day at the office when suddenly everyone was talking about the mystery cat guy, and like wondering “Is he single he sounds cool,” or like “What if the mystery cat person is a girl, Janet, did you even fucking think of that it’s 2015.” Janet and Grimace won’t have the memory of that conversation, because that conversation won’t happen, because someone in this office refuses to do his or her part in what this voter is calling “The Con of the Century” by sending a simple god damn email. He or she robbed this entire building of a Moment and that, friends and ex-lovers, is the real #tragedy.

[sorenbowie]

I’m sharing this because magic is important and the architects of magic are ONLY doing it for other people to discover. When you see it, don’t kill it because it makes the world great for this short time before we die…crushed by a ceiling, collapsed under the weight of a thousand perfect stones.

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

Friend: OH MY GOD DUDE WE HAVE TO RUN AWAY THERE ARE ZOMBIES ALL OVER THE HOUSE WE ARE GONNA DIE!

Me: I like, just sat down...

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

Sunset

And we looked out across the pasture, the single incandescent star shining bright up in the blue, shifting to a light violet that melted into a rich orange, blended with a deep red making the sky bleed into the horizon. This specteum of visible light cut across the expanse of the sky that had colors without names and evoked such wonder and pleasant confusion. And we just sat in the grassy land that is my grandfather's yard, and soaked up the scenery away from the city. The change of pace without music beating through the air and the artificial lights polluting our sky's natural luminescence. We sat and we stared as simple observers, trying desperately to capture this moment with a camera, knowing that it's no use. The shadows of galloping horses and trees that reached out into the air trying to touch the sky

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

Blood is my ink

As I write, I use myself. I use my finger nails as a pen to dip in my blood ink and I scratch my words into my skin parchment. When I write, I dig deep to the places where it hurts, and I poke like it's a bruise raised purple and retched yellow. The words flow from me through my blood and tears. I cough and choke around the syllables as I spill my soul onto the page. I give myself completely to the words, my bones as makeshift pencils and bile as ink. It may be disgusting but it's all I can do to rid my mind of the weight of all the words I left unsaid. And when I'm done writing, I've emptied myself so completely that I can no longer speak as my tongue has gone numb and my teeth fell out. It's a disgusting process that leaves me cold and empty and oh so light.

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

Books are better than real life. In books you give someone wings and they fly. In real life, you give people wings and they are labeled a freak an hidden behind the bars of society.

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

My dad and I discuss trains and his nonexistent dogs.

"Why are there fences around the train track?" -my Dad Maybe there's a history of dogs and children being thrown in front of trains. -me "I would NEVER throw my dogs in front of a train!"  Probably cause you don't have any dogs.  "*Snap and points*"

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

You're not a failure, just a disappointment."

Mom pls.

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

First of all: how dare? Second of all: You? Third of all: Put the first two together.

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

It's like when laughing my path to drunk gets shorter!

Mom go home, you're drunk.

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

You sound like you're trying to harmonize with a vacuum cleaner.

Thanks Aubrey

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

When life gives you onions, make onionade! "I'm pretty sure that's not how the quote goes."

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

Where do you keep your boomerangs? “Where?” In the boomeroom!

"Oh my God."

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

"So mom, what you're saying, is that you'd rather me listen to promiscuous rap music than the Danny Phantom theme song?" "Yes"

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

What flavor candy do you want? "Yellow."

[stupidshitivesaidapparently]

*looking at the stars with my friend*

"Look at that star." Which one? "The one like an inch from the moon." Oh wow an inch? Really? "First of all shut the fuck up. Second, if I put a ruler to the sky the stars would be about an inch apart!" I'm pretty sure that's not how astronomy works.