Soren Bowie: Your Eighth Grade Boyfriend @sorenbowie - Tumblr Blog

What is this? Am I dead? Was I never really alive?

I’m kind of hoping so, yeah.

Goodbye, sweet Cracked

I have some bittersweet news to share with fans of Cracked: After nearly 8 years, I will be hanging up my keyboard and leaving the site. I still love Cracked dearly and everyone who works there but I've been offered the incredible opportunity to write for the hit television comedy program American Dad.

I will forever be indebted to Cracked for giving me a home to write and make jokes about anything I want with comically little oversight. The brand puts a tremendous amount of trust in the talent and ideas of its creative team and I recognize how rare that is in any job, particularly when I tested their faith by writing about fighting turkeys outside a Bennigan's or going drunk birding in the L.A. River. It's been an honor to work with some of the smartest, most naturally funny people I've ever met and there are very few things that could tear me away from that environment, the hit television comedy program American Dad being at the top of that list. To the site that has given me so much I say this: Please tell facilities that there is some significant damage to the wall where I hung up my keyboard, it took me four tries before I found a stud.

Thank you all for being so supportive and I will continue trying to make you laugh, the only difference being that it will be harder to listen to my jokes from the comfort of your toilet.

davidfosterflawless-deactivated

sorenbowie

HIs enemy is a ringing cellphone in the audience breaking the law of civility.

I love this video so much. There’s so much work behind every single piece of this, from the acrobatics to the comedy, but Fe makes it all feel so effortless.

I always loved this monologue but I think about it a lot more now as a dad. Being a new parent means constantly re-calibrating your sense of danger. Every time I see my son rush down stairs or disappear around a corner on a hike, every time I lie awake at night and wonder if he’s breathing I try to remind myself that not every shape in the darkness is death, sometimes it’s just a cow.

Goodbye, Sam Shepard. I can’t say I’ll miss you because we never knew each other but I sure do feel sorry you won’t ever write another thing.

“Anyway, we'd been driving all night and you were sound asleep in the back seat and your momma was sound asleep in the front. Then all of a sudden you woke up crying. Just busting a gut over something. I don't know what it was. A nightmare or something. Woke your momma right up. She climbed over the seat there in the back with you to try to get you settled down. But you just kept wailing. Wouldn’t shut up for hell nor high water. So I stopped the Plymouth by the side of the road, middle of nowhere. Can't even remember where it was exactly.

Pitch-black.

And I picked you up out of the back seat there and carried you out into this field. Thought the cold air might quiet you down. But you just kept howling.

And all of a sudden I saw something move out there.

Something bigger than both of us put together. And it started to move toward us, kinda slow. And then it started to get joined up by some other things just like it. Same shape and everything.

But these things started to kind of move in on us.

I looked back at the car to see if your mother was all right and just then these things started to moo. They all started mooing away.

Sure enough, there we were standing in the middle of a goddamn herd of cattle. You never heard a baby pipe down so fast. You just never made a peep after that the whole rest of the trip.”

clickholeofficial

Batman should know.

sorenbowie

What are you talking about, Clickhole? There have been nine (not even counting Suicide Squad which wasn’t his movie).

everythingisterrible

GOD’S GENOCIDE 4 KIDZ!

sorenbowie

Sometimes I feel like there’s a manifest destiny for creativity as well and we’ve reached the ocean.

Me: [Hunts and traps 1000 more doves]

macdemarco2

sorenbowie

The trick to Tinder in public is doing it low enough that no one can see your screen.

emperor-ing-deactivated20191108

when life putse a big heavy rocke in you’r path jast lift it with your massles

emperor-ing-deactivated20191108

This is pretty wonderful.

#Vimeo

internet

PBS is being recklessly diabolical with their latest adventure into the animal kingdom.

When everyone asks me “Where do you get your wonderful ideas?” I tell them, “I think, what would the voice of my generation write? And then I write that.”

sorenbowie

Jesus, he did it. Putin released the transcript. It clears everything up.

radioinactivity

i dunno mr bowie i got a suspicion it might be doctored

sorenbowie

How dare you accuse Mr. Putin of that. Though I am obligated to note that while not licensed, Mr. Putin could perform surgery/deliver a baby/execute a number of doctor tasks.