shadow and light.

sometimes, i sit ALONE under the STARS, think of the galaxies inside my ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ, and truly wonder if anyone will ever want to make sense of all that i am. / private shinomiya natsuki and satsuki, by nath.

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electonequeen:

            nodding once, she slowly closed her eyes, the hint of the smile still on her lips as her body rested on his. “that’s enough for me.” of course people would want to know about their relatioship, take photos, even ask her for interviews. but nothing of that sounded important now, at least not enough to worry about. she was positive they would make it. her smile grew wider on her face, laughing a bit with him. “yeah, well… at least you are a good looking one.” tomo joked, finding herself extremely comfortable in that position – enough to not wanting to move unless he asked her to. “so i’m calling you boyfriend now, hm? think i can live with that.”

               satsuki would rather keep his and their privacy but he knew that wasn’t an option if he was going to date an idol like tomochika -- but he certainly wasn’t going to let that stop him, not now that he finally had the courage to run after his happiness. this felt right and nothing was going to ruin it. whatever came, he could handle it. they could handle it,as long as they were together. he kept an arm wrapped around her shoulders, keeping tomochika close to him as if he didn’t want to ever let her go -- and he didn’t. looking down at her, there was a playful smile on his lips that seemed to even reach his eyes. “ yeah, unless you don’t want to ”

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electonequeen:

             the redhead’s lips curved into a relaxed smile when he stared at her. tomo knew he was a man of action, and even if she couldn’t read his mind ( no matter how much sometimes she wished she could ) it wasn’t necessary to. she also knew this was probably a huge step for him, and wouldn’t push satsuki into anything he didn’t want or could do yet.

at his response she tilted her head a bit, moving closer just enough to lean slightly against him. “but what about you? i know you said you wanted to keep me happy, but i want to hear your opinion too.” she wasn’t expecting him to say much, moslty a confirmation that left her sure they both wanted to face all this the same away. as an addition she gazed up to him, smirk showing on her lips before the teasing came. “and just to point out… you always meant trouble for me. still a risk i’d be willing to take.” because it was him, and now that satsuki was back, she would do anything to keep him in her life.

           satsuki knew he wasn’t easy to read and that most people couldn’t even begin to try to understand what was going through his mind -- if not all of them. still, he liked to think that tomochika knew him better than everyone else, that she could understand him through his actions, through what really mattered to him.

           he moved positions slightly for her to get comfortable once she leaned against him, thinking about what she said for a moment. “ i don’t really have a strong opinion about it. ” he didn’t think that his life would change much, other than a few appearances in magazines and what not. “ i wouldn’t like hiding but i also wouldn’t care much for them prying into it. ” although he knew it couldn’t be helped. her last words made the blond let out a chuckle. “ that’s kind of my thing. ” he teased.

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electonequeen:

            again, she fell silent. maybe she was expecting him to say something else, something that made more clear what satsuki really wanted. but tomo knew he wasn’t that fond of using his words, but actions instead. so if he was there with her that night, then the answer would be pretty clear from him…

coming to a conclusion she smiled lightly, hand reaching out to hold his between hers one more time, as her thumb traced circles on his palm. “you know how i feel. i like you a lot” she finally spoke, gaze going up. the tiny bit of doubt that was there just a few seconds ago was gone now – again, his presence spoke by itself. and tomo wanted him to know whatever happened now, she was planning to be by his side. “and believe in us, too. so if we are really doing this, i want things to be as clear as possible.” she made a small pause, her words as confident as ever, although more soft. “as an idol i get to share my happiness with everyone, and right now it would be pretty accurate to say you are part of it. if not the source of it.”

           the truth was, he didn’t really think that far. when it had come to see her, satsuki didn’t know what he was expecting or even what he would say -- he had no idea what the outcome of it would be, although he had been hoping for something like this. he also didn’t think it was his place to say what they should do, since it was not his career and he wanted her to be comfortable with their relationship.

           satsuki gazed at her when she held his hand, a very subtle smile on his lips at her words. for a moment he wished he could say something mroe, that he could tell her how he truly felt and use those three words he feared so much but the blond was not yet ready for that. he kept his eyes on hers, hoping she could see through the green hues and read him in a way no one else had ever done before. satsuki nodded at her answer, having nothing to object about it. he wouldn’t really like hiding, anyway. he didn’t think that he could, even if the opposite would mean losing a bit of his privacy. “ if that’s what you want, i don’t mind. as long as you don’t get in trouble for it. ”

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electonequeen:

             tomo nodded slightly as she sat down, her fingers going to play with a strand of wavy hair, avoiding satsuki’s gaze at that question. it wasn’t that she had doubts about them working out ( she had a good feeling about him, about them together especially after those last moments. ) but it was a bit embarrassing to admit she did thnk about them – to let satsuki know the thought of them together crossed her mind, and she considered it before.

after staying quiet for a while ( waiting for her cheeks to cool down ) the redhead sighed, still twirling her hair in a distracted way. if she lied, satsuki would see right through it. so she chose not to. however, that didn’t mean she had to look at him when saying it. “…maybe.” would it be wrong, to give it much importance? unsure of what he could think and lowkey nervous of scaring him she went for the safe answer. “it’s normal for me. i figured out i’d date at some point” shrugging, she went on. “i accepted this… you, i mean. i know what i’ll be dealing with, but you might not know – and that’s something i respect.”

            he sat down next to her but still with a certain distance, sliding his hands back into his pockets as he stared at her. for some reason, satsuki couldn’t help but feel nervous about this conversation. it was as if it made things really real. it made their relationship real and he didn’t know how to do relationships. maybe he was scared of ruining things, like he always did. the air between them had shifted for a moment, turning more serious.

            pursing his lips and frowning lightly, satsuki waited for her to say something. it had been just a few moments of silence but it was still a lot to him. mostly because everything was new and this was the first time they were actually talking about themselves as a couple, how things were going to be from now on. satsuki ignored the way his stomach churned, not letting himself get overwhelmed with the negative thoughts that were always lingering in his mind. leaning back on the couch, he listened to her in silence. “ i can imagine. ” although he didn’t keep up with the idol world, satsuki knew how it could be. “ so what do you want to do? it’s your career. ” he had nothing to lose, unlike her.

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The redhead smiled brightly when approaching him from behind, arms wrapping around satsuki's shoulders. "Happy birthday...." she pressed a kiss on his neck, right below his ear before going up with the kisses, from his jaw to his cheek. Tomo stayed like that for a couple seconds, smil still on her face as she nuzzled his neck. She was happy they still had time to spend together, even if she had to work in the morning. The rest of the day was for him only, and she wanted him to know that. (1)

Slowly pulling back, she walked to the other side of the bench where he sat, sitting beside him and smiling again when their eyes met, fingers softly holding his chin so she could kiss his lips in a chaste and slow kiss. They were still outside and she couldn’t go too crazy with kisses and all that, but none of that seemed to matter once she pulled back, placing a box on his lap. “You will like it, i promise”

            he didn’t really care about his birthday, he never did. natsuki was the one that liked the parties and the gifts, while satsuki would tell everyone that they were not necessary. most people wouldn’t dare give him something or even feel the need to but he knew tomochika was different. she had given him something before and while satsuki had said he didn’t want anything, he was sure she was going to give him something this year too. and truth be told, the blond was sure he was going to like whatever the gift was simply because she was the one to give it to him.

           satsuki showed a very subtle smile at the kisses, closing his eyes for a moment until he heard her walking around the bench and sitting next to him. eyebrows were raisd slightly as the blond looked at her, knowing what was coming. he could complain about the fact that she ignored his request to get no gifts but satsuki never really thought she was going to accept that in the first place. the kiss was returned for a moment, allowing her to pull away before he got carried away with it. satsuki looked down at the box before looking at her, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “ i thought i said no gifts, shibuya. ” i’m sure i will.

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electonequeen:

             his response a light blush spreading over her ( still warm ) cheeks. he was being sweeter than he had ever been – tomo could hear it in his voice, and feel it too. the way he moved, and how he touched her… as if she was something precious she didn’t want to let go. part of her couldn’t believe satsuki was hiding all this from her, how soft and caring he could really be, despite seeing glimpses of it in the past.

tomo kept running her fingers down his back, looking up to him for a while before parting her lips to talk. “do you want to sit?” she asked. it was late at night, but as selfish as it sounded, she didn’t really want him to sleep ( or leave ) yet. “we should probably talk…” despite not showing it, she was a bit nervous to ask the next thing. but unfortunately, it wasn’t something she could ignore. “about how are we going to do this. y’know i’m always out there in the public eye, and when idols date it can get harder to get privacy…” unless they did it on private, even if a big part of her would rather not do that. it was a decision meant for two to make, and considering satsuki liked his privacy, she felt the need to ask. 

          satsuki was actually surprised at himself for acting that way but he had never felt happier than he did now. if he was being sweet, it was all coming naturally, something he couldn’t stop. he almost wondered if he would ever go back to normal or if that was how he was going to be around tomochika from now on. either way, he didn’t really mind it. he just wanted to be with her and knowing that she wanted that too had made him feel like the luckiest man alive.

          maybe after everything they had gone through, he wanted to cherish her properly, to show her how much he cared about her and to prove to her ( and to himself, more than anything ) that he could be a good person, a good boyfriend. for her, he would do anything. the fingers running down his back sent a pleasant shiver down satsuki’s spine, a subtle smile still gracing his features as he looked down at her. he didn’t even think about what they were going to do now for the rest of the night, it didn’t matter what they were doing to him. “ sure. ” he replied without thinking much but, for some reason, the words that followed had made him slightly nervous too. satsuki was unsure how they would handle things, if past that initial moment of bliss, things would actually work out or not. “ i don’t know, i didn’t think about that. ” he paused. “ you? ”

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electonequeen:

             it felt so good to be able to be close to him in such a way – tomo kissed him for as long as it was possible, parting her lips, tongues finding eachother as she kept kissing him with the feelings and passion she’d been gathering for too long now. her fingertips ran down his spine, pressing herself fully against him until she ran out of breath, allowing herself to nibble on his lower lip before pressing his forehead to his, eyes still closed. “can we… can we just kiss? i want to keep you close, like this.” different than other times, this was the kind of intimacy she was craving, it felt enough and perfect as it was.

she could feel her cheeks warm, along with the fast breathing and beat of her heart. it was quiet enough for satsuki to hear it too, if he happened to bring his head closer to her chest. the redhead smiled again, staring at the eyes she once thought she hated (even if deep inside she knew it was never like that) and loved, softly brushing some bangs away from his face. “i could get used to this.“

            having her close had always made him feel so at ease, in a way satsuki couldn’t feel with anyone else. she made him feel all sorts of things, new feelings that made him confused and frustrated but, at the same time, made him happy. it would all take some time to get used to but satsuki couldn’t help but feel excited about their future, whatever it might hold. he didn’t want to stop kissing her. for once, it was a slow kiss. despite being deep, he didn’t try to do anything more than hold her close, tangling their tongues together until they were both out of breath. breaking the kiss, satsuki’s eyes fluttered open to look at her, at how beautiful she was. “ do you think i’d say no to that? ” he chuckled lightly, still having a bit of air in his lungs -- more than she seemed to.

             satsuki reached out with one hand to carres her cheek lightly before cupping the back of tomochika’s neck. he pressed their lips together one more time in a chaste kiss,letting it linger for a moment before he rested their foreheads together. he could barely believe how soft he was being but he guessed that was just her effect on him. “ good. ” he hummed quietly, a hint of a smile on his lips. “ you should. ”

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electonequeen:

             her smile only grew wider when he pulled her closer, raising her eyebrows at his answer. well, saying he wanted to make her happy was already good for her – it meant more than satsuki probably thought, even if he said it so casually.

with his next words she laughed, knowing that was probably true… but also knowing satsuki acted different around her, that wasn’t something the blonde seemed to be able to control “hmm but i like to believe you’ll make some exceptions for me.” she did with him, at least. tomo shrugged lightly, mostly joking with him because in reality, being him with him was more than enough to make that a perfect night. with the feeling on his breath on her skin she moved an inch closer, brushing their lips together as her voice lowered “i’m very aware…” not like she minded much if he did. after a couple seconds the temptation was too strong for the redhead, losing no more time before kissing him, lips softly moving against his.

          maybe he hadn’t said the exact words she wanted to hear but satsuki was still being cheesy in his own way. he wondered if she noticed that, how many things he said to her that he wouldn’t be caught dead saying to anyone else. it was something for tomo’s ears only, when they were on the own and no one was watching.

           he really couldn’t control how he was around her -- he tried, but it wasn’t that easy. and perhaps part of him didn’t really want to do that anymore. “ mm, i think you might be overastimating the power you have over me ” he teased, even though she was absolutely right. satsuki wasn’t admitting to that and he felt rather playful -- perhaps because of how happy he was, how light he felt since he got everything off his chest. a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips at her reaction to him moving closer. he was going to kiss her himself but satsuki wanted to see how long it would take for her to do it -- and it really wasn’t much. still smiling, he pressed his lips against hers, parting them slightly as he pulled tomochika even closer.

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electonequeen:

             tomo let out a quiet, short chuckle at satsuki’s response. of course she was expecting him to say something like that – but it wasn’t exactly a no from him, so she wasn’t giving up just yet. turning her face to him her lips curved, showing a side smile. “true, but it’s just the two of us now and it would make me very happy if you did…” she moved closer, bringing her hand up to softly brush the soft skin of his cheek. her eyes stared at his for a moment before her fingers travelled to his hair and the back of his neck. being extremely tender and loving, in hopes that would make him softer too.

“please? i like it when you are sweet” she confessed. he wasn’t exactly a hard person for her to convince, or maybe it was that tomo knew her ways. “i will say something to you in return, if you want. or i could pay you back with kisses too…” but a tiny part of her hoped he’d accept, mostly because she felt too much for him and it felt nice to finally be able to say it to his face. either way her other hand kept holding his as the other stroked his hair, not wanting to let go of their proximity.

            while he had been honest for a moment there and said something he never imagined himself saying, satsuki didn’t really think he could repeat it. or at least he thought it was rather embarrassing to do so. it was something that came out in the heat of the moment but this was a different situation. still, he had always been weak for tomo, it was hard to say no to her even if she was asking something like that. satsuki was conflicted, frowning for a moment as he considered her offer. hands wrapped around her waist, pulling tomochika closer to him. there was a hint of teasing on the tone of his voice as he continued. “ i do want to make you happy but you ask too much of me ” a smile tugged at the corner of his lips, eyebrows raising slightly as he looked down at her.

           “ you are signing yourself up for disappointement, shibuya. i don’t really do that. ” or at least that’s what he wanted people to think but, in the short time they had been together, satsuki had been sweeter than he ever had been to anyone. now he was joking, a playful and almost mischievous smile on his lips as he leaned closer to her, brushing their noses together lightly. “ you know, i could also steal those kisses ”

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electonequeen:

             she lost no time before pulling him with her, her free hand taking the keys and opening the door before closing it, turning to satsuki with a small smile once that was done. but she didn’t kiss him or came any closer, she was just looking at him – wondering if he was thinking the same thing she was. last time he was there they shared a private, sweet moment… even if everything abruptly ended afterwards. but it didn’t have to be like that now, and tomo knew none of them were leaving this time.

still quiet, she kept pulling him along until they were outside at her small balcony, sitting beside him. it was a beautiful night, and her eyes closed for a couple seconds as her body leaned closer, thumb softly caressing his hand. “the only good thing that has ever happened to you… that was very sweet.” still without opening her eyes, her face nuzzled his shoulder again. “would you repeat that again for me?” tomo tested her luck, really wanting to hear it again from him.

            satsuki took a quick glance around before going into her apartment, as if checking if anyone was watching -- not that it made a difference to him but he knew it did for her and, in so many ways, satsuki had started to worry about her more than he did for himself. with the door closed now, satsuki turned to her. he had been there before but, even if he hadn’t, he couldn’t be bothered to look around the room, too focused on tomo to care about anything else. he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do now, there were so many things he wanted to do that the blonde didn’t even know where to star.

            he allowed her to take him wherever she wanted, fingers still laced together as satsuki slightly squeezed her hand. he took a deep breath once they stepped into the cold night air again, letting it fill his lungs in a comforting way. he had always liked cold nights. he turned his attentiont o her again when tomochika came closer to him, almost blushing at the mention of his own words from before. it was embarrassing when she pointed it out. “ you heard me that time, i don’t need to say it again. ” it would take a little more convincing for him to do that.

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electonequeen:

              personally, tomo didn’t imagine she’d end up growing so attached to satsuki. sure he was attractive and they had something going on for quite some time, but feelings grew stronger and what she felt now was stronger than anything she’d ever felt before. she knew she loved satsuki, and now she wouldn’t have to push it away anymore.

tomo let herself enjoy the kiss and proximity for a little longer, slowly pulling back after letting out a short sigh of content, but she didn’t let go entirely. her hand went to hold his, fingers intertwined together. “that doesn’t matter. you’re here now…” her eyes went down to their hands like that, only to look back up to him with a smile curving her lips. “do you want to come in?” whether it would be getting late soon, tomo didn’t feel like saying goodbye yet – not after waiting so long for that to happen. they needed some more time together, enjoying the other’s company now that everything between them was clear.

             he never imagined himself liking someone as much as he liked her -- actually, like didn’t even seem like a word good enough to describe what he really felt for her. satsuki knew that it was love, even if he couldn’t say it out loud just yet. he had also never imagined she would feel the same way and he couldn’t help but think how lucky he was that she did -- and satsuki didn’t want to screw up the one good thing that happened in his life.

             he almost didn’t want to let her go, wanting to keep tomo close to himself for as long as he could -- but satsuki knew that wasn’t practical. the feeling of her hand on his was weirdly nice -- something he wasn’t used to but he knew he could be, in the future. a future where they would still be together and happy. the offer made satsuki smile ever so slightly, not even hesitating to accept it. “ yeah, sure. ” and for once, he didn’t really have any hidden intentions to go into someone’s apartment, he just wanted to be with her for a little longer.

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electonequeen:

             even if neither of them mentioned it, tomo knew. she knew how he struggled with matters of the heart ( or any that involved feelings, really ) and the things he said to her were enough – more than enough for her to accept him back. she knew he needed to have hope and someone who loved him unconditionally, and she was planning to be that person. now that he let her, she would make sure satsuki felt loved – as much as he deserved.

at his teasing she bit her lip, holding back a laugh. “shut up…” she stared at him for a couple seconds, shaking her head in defeat. “okay maybe one more–” with her hands moving to cup his cheeks she pulled his face closer, pressing a kiss to satsuki’s lips, letting it linger for a while before her arms fully wrapped around his neck, face nuzzling the side of his head with some strands of blond hair tingling her face. she took a deep breath, letting herself enjoy the proximity and his arms around her, hugging eachother tight. “thanks for coming back” the words were quiet but they came from her heart; missing him had been torture… having him back, like this, was more tomo could’ve asked for. the fact that he wanted her as much as she did was enough to make the redhead truly smile.

            satsuki never imagined himself falling in love -- not with anyone but, now that he thought about it, it made sense why it had been her and not someone else. tomochika was perfect for him in so many ways, even if sometimes he felt like he was lacking, like she deserved better. maybe she did but, for him, she was the best thing he could have ever hoped for. she understood him somehow, knew what he needed -- and that’s why he wanted to be better for her, to be the person she deserved to have around.

            he knew she wasn’t going to say no and, letting out a quiet chuckle, he brought her closer again, pressing their lips together and daring to deepen the kiss ever so slightly -- if he did any more than that, it would be hard to stop and, weirdly enough, satsuki didn’t really crave that kind of intimacy at that moment. he wanted more than that, something special. he still held her close after the kiss was over, nuzzling into her hair and taking a deep breath, letting her scent fill his lungs. “ you don’t have to thank me for that. ” coming back at been a selfish move on his part, or at least satsuki thought so. for once, he was doing something to make him happy, running after what he wanted. “ i’m sorry it took so long. ”

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electonequeen:

             maybe it was what both of them needed. to feel some relief after all that, to give themselves ( and their thoughts ) a break from having to put everything into words. tomo knew satsuki was a man of action, the things he said to her that night being more than the redhead would’ve ever expected. she showed no resistance when he pulled her body even closer, fingers tangling on his hair as they normally did when they kissed… to think they kissed before, but none of those held as much meaning as this kiss did. she could feel it, and was sure satsuki could too, from the way he was holding her and his lips brushed hers – so gentle and sweet, all his small touches making her feel butterflies in her stomach, and weak knees. as cliche as that could’ve sounded, it was the pure truth.

maybe she should’ve cared more about the people walking by, kissing him like that right in front of her door. but those thoughts didn’t even cross her mind, way too focused in what was happening at that private moment with him. tomo allowed herself to enjoy the kiss for some more time, pulling back only when it was necessary. although it didn’t last much, her lips quickly pressing against his in a small, sweet peck. she then smiled breathlessly at him, staring to those green eyes she so much loved and was craving to see. “i could really kiss you all night” but they still had to talk, didn’t they? as tempting as it was to just keep doing that.

             satsuki didn’t think he could properly put his feelings into words, no matter how much he tried. he had always been the type to show through the things he did and not the things he said and yet, he had done his best to try to say something, knowing she needed to hear. after everything he had put her through and all the doubts, she DESERVED to hear it, even if it wasn’t all that much. maybe one day he’d be able to say the three words he never thought he would but satsuki didn’t feel like he was ready to do that just yet, he just hoped she could understand that. that she would wait for him just a bit longer and accept what he could give her now. he held her close to him, not wanting to let go even as he parted the kiss.

            the blond couldn’t care less about the people walking past them, even if perhaps he should -- not for him, but for her. however, he didn’t really think about that in the heat of the moment, simply acting according to his own needs -- and the need to show her how he felt. she hadn’t stopped him either so satsuki didn’t worry about that for more than a second before he fell deep into the kiss. with her words, he let out a quiet chuckle, licking his lips. “ well, i wouldn’t say no to that if you wanted. ” he teased, playful smile back on his features. “ it is very... very tempting ”

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electonequeen:

             to mention the other guy was something she needed to do. despite knowing it wasn’t right, tomo used him to forget about satsuki, and even when nothing happened between them… it worked, for a little while. truth was her feelings for him were too strong to cover them up with a lie, she knew it and felt he had to, too. now that he said that, it was easier for her to admit the truth.

             the kiss caught her off guard, not expecting it yet. but it felt as if a huge weight was taken off her chest, returning the kiss as her heart started beating faster than before, a smile making its way to her lips. she smiled in the middle of the kiss and after he pulled back, arms wrapping around him to keep satsuki close to her too. “please…” he was unpredictable and stubborn – drove her crazy more than once. but he also was caring and had a good heart, tomo knew that. their eyes met for a second when she opened them, whispering her next words. this was their private moment, the one they were meant to have after so much time. maybe it was selfish, but she wanted no one but him to hear it. “you already are” she meant it, happiness showing in her eyes when she cut the small distance again, going for another kiss.

           he wished she hadn’t mentioned him but satsuki had expected -- well, he wished the other guy hadn’t existed in the first place. satsuki was conflicted about the situation, between feeling angry and jealous at the thought of her with someone else and feeling like that guy was better for her than he could ever be. it was a thought that haunted him often, even if satsuki wouldn’t say it out loud or admit it to her.

            satsuki didn’t know what to say. for a composer with such beautiful songs, he surely had ran out of words in front of her more often than not. it was unusual for him, but it was something he was learning to accept. he hoped that kiss would show how he really felt for her, how deep those feelings were. he pulled her closer, an arm wrapping around her waist as if he was scared that she was going to disappear -- this was too good to be true, after al. satsuki didn’t want to get carried away with it; for once, his kiss had no sexual feelings behind it -- all he wanted was to show her that he truly did love her. while it was deep, it was almost chaste before he pulled away slightly. although they were outside and there were people walking by, satsuki felt like they were the only two people in the world, as if there was no one else that mattered but them. he was almost grateful to her for kisisng him again when words were failing satsuki, putting all the things he wanted to say into that kiss and hoping she would understand.

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electonequeen:

             tomo knew that. in fact, they knew the other extremely well. the same way she could see his negative comments coming, this came as a huge surprise for her. his behavior was different – his words too. satsuki apologised to her, he came all the way there to see and talk to her… it meant something, and both knew that. when it came to moments like this, she could almost feel her own emotions extremely high and expectant in almost an anxious way, waiting quietly for a response. with satsuki, she needed to hear him saying it.

there it was. tomochika pictured that moment in her head, but hearing it from him was even better. her gaze lowered, the hint of a smile showing on her face as she spoke. “you know… he’s not a bad guy. he’s funny and treats me well…” her eyes then went up again, meeting his. “but he’s not real. and he’s not you.” she smiled at him, hesitant when giving a step forward, closer to him. “you are the one i want”

           it had been surprising to satsuki how much they learned about each other, how much she had gotten to know him despite how he had always been. despite how long it took for him to show glimpses of the person he truly was, even if satsuki didn’t believe there was anything good about him. and yet, even if tomochika knew him, she had never seen him this way -- no one did. everything was new about this situation, to the both of them. maybe that’s what made him so nervous. he wished she could understand what he wanted to say without needing the actual words but, after everything, satsuki knew she needed to hear it and he didn’t blame her for it.

             as hard as it had been to say things like that, satsuki couldn’t help but feel relieved now that he had finally gotten those words off his throat. he rubbed the back of his neck, waiting for her reaction. he hadn’t expected to hear him talk about the other guy and oh, how much he hated it -- he hated because satsuki couldn’t help but think the other was better than he could ever be, but he wasn’t giving up. he was ready to say something else before she continued and the blond was quiet for a moment. he couldn’t help but come closer, cupping the back of her neck and pressing their lips together, eyelids fluttering close. after a moment, he broke the kiss, resting his forehead against hers and keeping her close. “ i can be all of those things too, tomochika. ” or at least he could try his hardest to be, that’s what he planned.

[stxxllar-blog]

electonequeen:

              with the type of life she had, tomo couldn’t allow herserlf to think too much of matters of the heart. sure, she had a boyfriend before satsuki and she knew what it was to be in love… but he was different from everything she had ever felt, from everyone she met. tomochika was used to look after herself – but thinking back at the moments before he left, she couldn’t deny she felt protected by him – even if satsuki didn’t seem to acknowledge it.

she knew they couldn’t be friends. tomo also knew that wasn’t what he wanted either. but the possibility of satsuki wanting something more with her, something serious was always so far away, that the redhead almost thought it would be impossible. she convinced herself of that. he didn’t want love… or at least that’s what he always told everyone, her included. but despite it all, her mind seemed to cling to the tiny hope that maybe, maybe he came back for the same reason she didn’t want to let him go. “just tell me…” she could feel her heart beating faster, words struggling to leave her lips as part of her was a bit scared to hear him say it. because if he did, it would change everything… it would make it real.

           he didn’t really have anything stopping himself from dating other than the own barriers he created for himself. while he had been with his fair share of people, satsuki had never dated anyone in his life -- most of the time he wouldn’t even sleep with the same person more than once, simply to avoid them creating any attachments or illusions about what their relationship truly was -- or rather, the lack of it. but tomochika was different, she always had been.

          satsuki couldn’t imagine himself being friends with a lot of people, let alone her. what he felt for her was too strong for that. although he didn’t blame her for not knowing what he wanted, considering how big of a change this way from everything he had always been before. satsuki said a lot of things he didn’t really mean, mostly because he was trying to convince himself that it was true. or perhaps tomo was just special enough to change his mind. satsuki stuffed his hands into his pockets, as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. he seemed almost nervous -- and he was. “ do you need me to? ” he didn’t blame her for wanting to hear it either, not with how he had been before. after a pause, he let out a quiet sigh. “ i want more than that. i want to try. ”

[stxxllar-blog]

electonequeen:

             despite satsuki not knowing, he was definitely one of the only ones who had as many chances as he did. tomo believed in second chances and tried to look for the good in people – but she wasn’t willing to sacrifice everything for just anyone. somehow, satsuki earned that. she couldn’t even think of when her feelings for him grew so much… but they did. it was consuming and reckless – that’s why he was so dangerous for her. 

his response came as a surprise to her, eyes opening wide at those words, almost as if her heart stopped for a second mostly because tomochika didn’t have to question it to know it was true. he really was saying that to her. “i… ” she didn’t know what to say, clearly not expecting something like this from him, who always pushed people away… it was something big, and it sounded almost like a confession. although she was still confused, not sure of what this meant to him – to them. “what do you want me to say? i can’t go back to how things were, satsuki. and i don’t think i can be your friend either…” not when she felt so much for him. especially not when all she wanted to go was jump into his arms and kiss him.

           in a way, they were both special to each other. he was the only one she had given so many chances to and she was the only one he had ever been scared of losing. actually, tomo was his first in many ways. the first woman he had ever done more than just have sex with, the first one to see a different side of him -- the first one that had made him feel this way, that had made him fight for his happiness for once. the happiness he never thought he deserved....

           he could barely believe the words that came out of his lips, hearing them in his own voice but still feeling like it was a stranger saying. still, they were honest. perhaps it was exactly that feeling that made those words so true. maybe he should have continued, said something else. instead, satsuki was quiet for a moment, watching her and waiting for tomo’s reaction, as if that would give him any idea what to say next. a friend. did he even have any? probably not. but that was definitely not what he wanted from her, not what he was expecting from this conversation -- satsuki wanted something more. “ really? ” he could almost laugh at that idea -- but perhaps that was just a reflection of his nervousness on that situation. “ i don’t want a friend, tomochika. that’s not what i want us to be. ”