My Journey as a Subject: Discovering God

Here's a look at my journey of being a subject in my pastor Doug's dissertation. He's going to be a doctor because of me (and 19 other souls).

[subjectofgod]

Dad

On Father’s Day I told my dad the same thing I told my mom about needing to ask a certain number of people questions from Pastor Doug.  Here are the questions I asked:

What was your proudest moment?

Who do you hold the strongest relationships with and why?

How did your parents help to shape your faith?

How does your faith help you on a daily basis?

What helps you the most after a bad day?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

These questions were harder to get through.  My dad was very short and to the point with answering these questions.  I’ve tried my hardest not to compare the two questioning sessions, as they should be very much independent of one another.  Some things that stood out for my dad included how his faith helps him on a daily basis and what helps him the most after a bad day.  My father is just over 3 years sober and is regularly attending AA meetings to help him in that process.  He admitted that there was a large portion of his adult life in which his faith meant nothing to him.  However, the first steps in AA are to follow your faith and understand that God is who you ultimately rely on.  This is hard for me to grasp, as it almost seems like you have no choice but to cling to your faith if you want to move forward with the 12 step program.  It’s also based on the belief that you can rely on others, but ultimately God is the only one who won’t let you down.  I think that’s something that my dad taught me, but growing older I see that I can rely on others, and I can trust others, and I can give myself to others without the fear that they’ll let me down.  Either way, my dad’s faith plays a large role in his daily life, but it is seen only in his AA setting.  

Overall I’m feeling very stuck here.  It’s harder for the conversation to flow with my dad, and we have less to talk about with such different views and journeys in faith.  I’m praying for a breakthrough in the coming weeks so that I can fulfill the challenge which was given to me by PD.

[subjectofgod]

Mom

Last Wednesday I sat down with my mother and asked her just a few questions (I told her Doug is making us ask a few people this same series of questions but that we’re not supposed to say much more than that).  Here are the questions that I asked:

What was your proudest moment?

Who are your strongest relationships with and why?

When are you the happiest?

How has the church or God helped you in your journey?

What helps you most after a bad day?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Some areas that my mother and I share similarities are in our proudest moments, our strongest relationships, and when we are the happiest.  I was happy to hear that the church has helped her in her journey by proving that All means ALL, no one is excluded and there are no exceptions when it comes to God’s children.  By knowing when my mom is the happiest and knowing what helps her after a bad day, I think I can be a more helpful roommate to her.  

As I asked her some of these questions, our conversation moved even further into faith and what it means to us.  We have both been very involved and immersed in Abiding Hope for the past 22 years (that’s my whole life!), so my views are very similar to my mother’s.  We also are very similar in that we like to share stories, feelings, and bad days in order to move onto the next day.  I’m clearly raised by my mother, and being so similar is helping to move this journey along.  

[subjectofgod]

Getting Started

The past few days I’ve spent considering my subject, and who I’m going to be victimizing as I move forward in this journey.  Doug said to have picked my victim by Wednesday, so I technically have an hour and 10 minutes.  

My main thoughts when I come to this are fear, pressure, anxiety . . . Thinking about how much of a challenge this will be for me is scary!  I grew up looking at young boys at school or in movies and how they were taught to never cry, never show pain.  They were taught to be strong and to move forward with their heads held high.  This is all I can think of when I try to explain the vibe in my household during my developing years.  Don’t talk about it, don’t cry about it, and maybe it will go away.  This means that sometimes talking about deep or personal issues with my parents can be a challenge.  This journey is about those deep and personal conversations, this journey is about a challenge. 

I think my first step is to sit down with each of my parents separately and ask questions which will help us break down the walls that were built when I was growing up.  These questions will not intend to bring back old memories that are painful, but to help move us forward in our relationships so that we can continue to build what we have worked so hard to build in the past couple of years.

[subjectofgod]

In the Beginning...

Hello all!  My name is Elise.  A couple of weeks ago I sat down for coffee with Pastor Doug (although I hate coffee and never consume coffee as a tea drinker, it’s easier and much more American to say we sat down for coffee).  He asked me to participate in his dissertation, and me being a recent college graduate with no job (yet) and no idea what’d I’d be doing all summer, I gave a quick (with gusto) “yes!”, taking no time to consider what I’d be getting myself in to (this is DOUG HILL we’re talking about).  Nevertheless, I found myself in the Patio Room a week or so later answering my “interview questions” with the man himself.  He asked questions like: What gives your life meaning? What makes you happy? What is your journey in life? Tough, tough, questions for a 22 year old gal who just graduated.  But I answered to the best of my ability! Here’s what I said. I spent over 2 years of my life dedicated to a future in Physical Therapy.  I spent 150 hours shadowing pediatrics, stroke patients, student athletes, and inpatients.  I spent A LOT of money on applications and tests.  After months of waiting patiently for one, just one, acceptance letter, I got none.  And the feeling?  RELIEF.  Praise be to God that I didn’t get an acceptance letter (weird, hu?).  It was at this point I knew I needed to reevaluate my life.  I factored in months of reflection and hard work on my heart and soul before I’d have any idea what I’d want to do.  My parents would have to take out extra loans to support me (obviously I can’t work in such conditions), my brother would have to stop the path of getting his Doctorate, the cat would fall into a deep depression... I may never figure out what I want to do.  SO, I sat down in front of the mirror and I looked at myself and I asked “Elise, what’s the one thing in your life that’s give you the most meaning?  What’s the ONE THING that you’ve been most------” Joke’s on me, I didn’t even have to finish asking the question before I knew the answer (no loans, Adam can get his Doctorate, and the cat’s fine).  I took a chance and applied to Public Health programs (to get my Masters).  I only applied to 3 schools, and had faith that one of them would find me smart and interesting enough to accept me.  But, after spending time in Haiti, and after working at the West Africa AIDS Foundation in Ghana for 2 months, I seem to be a pretty good fit for Public Health school.  This is my journey in life.  In 3 years, I see myself starting a new job at a clinic in a third world country.  I see myself giving my time and energy to people who don’t necessarily need it the most, but who will be appreciative of my efforts nonetheless.  Growing up in Abiding Hope I’ve learned that we need Haiti more than Haiti needs us, and that goes for every country in the third world.  So, I won’t go to fulfill my needs, but to do what I love doing (how exciting, I figured out what I want to do with my life!).  This will give my life meaning, it’ll make me happy, and I know it’s my journey. 

I thought a lot about this journey until our workshop this morning with PD (I had leaky eyes the whole way there because I was so afraid of what PD was going to make us face).  Today we talked about ourselves, our upbringing, and our community to begin.  Abiding Hope played a huge role in shaping me.  It was the constant positive force through my childhood, through the teenage years, and through college.  The church got me through some of the best times and some of the worst.  The church held my family together and helped us function when it was time to be apart.  The examples I have to look up to in the church have helped shape who I am today.  We talked then about positive psychology, how helping others is the best known cure for depression.  We reflected on our strengths (mine consist mostly of wisdom and knowledge, to my surprise).  

And then we talked about God. Imago Dei, the Image of God, how we are ALL created in the image of God, regardless of class, gender, race, sexual preference, language, crimes we’ve committed.  Each and everyone one of us is a subject.  The moment you allow someone to objectify you?  That’s the moment you get rid of them.  This spoke to me!  We are all children of God, we are all equal, and we were created to bring new life.  

The most shocking portion of the day was talking about what the Western church has done to Jesus.  We’ve separated the Divine from Human, we’ve put Jesus on a pedestal and said “BE LIKE HIM HUMAN, EVEN THOUGH HE’S PERFECT AND HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG EVER AND SOMETIMES HE WALKS ON WATER AND MAKES BETTER WINE THAN YOU!!!!!!!” talk about dramatic.  Jesus was created as the model of what we should aspire to be.   We don’t have to be just like him, but we can aspire to have similar values, treat all our brothers and sisters equally, and spread the joy of life to all, just as Jesus did.  What a relief!

So, what’s the point?  The challenge given to us by PD is to chose one person and to focus on this person, to deepen our relationship with them, and to serve them and help them become the person God created them to be.  When I say it’s a challenge, I mean this is a challenge with a capital C for me.  I immediately thought to my biggest heartbreak.  Almost a year ago, a very important relationship in my life came to a halt.  My boyfriend, who I was very in love with and invested in, became a stranger.  We both made our fair share of mistakes and life changes, and we made the decision to go our separate ways for “some time to consider it all”.  Even so, I remained invested.  I spent day and night doing everything in my power to make sure that our time apart would be as short as possible and as enjoyable as possible.  I was happy to find that my efforts were successful, and that we started spending some quiet time together again.  My heart felt full, and I did everything to continue serving him and loving him so that nothing bad would ever happen to us ever again.  And then I finally took the risk!  I said “BABE, it’s time to try again, let’s do this.”  He was hesitant, but agreed and few weeks later, I was thrilled to find out he felt the same.  But, he felt the same with another girl.  I had turned into the dreaded “side bitch”.  It wasn’t me who he wished to try again with, and I was left to start over on my own.  So, after spending all this time and effort to serve him and to serve our relationship, the challenge from PD was real.  I eventually came to my senses and thought, “why refuse service to someone deserving just because one silly boy didn’t have the sense to see the angel right in front of him?”  A passage that came to mind is Romans 8:18.  “I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us”.

Immediately my head went to my family, people who won’t put you on the side.  So, my decision will have to be made in the coming days.  Who will my victim be?!  How will our relationship be strengthened in the next six weeks and how will I personally be strengthened?  Whatever the challenge, I, though nervous, am ready.  

Peace, Elise