my name is tumblr @successful-millionare - Tumblr Blog

My fucking roomates iPad fell and crushed my little toe in the middle of the night in pitch darkness and this morning my can opener broke.

#fudge my chungus life

Going up to the clerk at an adult video store with both arms filled with extreme hentai discs but pronouncing futa like Spencer pronounced mutahars name during the mamamax controversy

#mamamax #someordinarygamers #I don’t know #it came to me in a dream #beatles reference

One time I smoked a shit ton by myself at 10:00 am and started thinking about that quote at the ending of Madoka magica that goes like "Don't forget. Always, somewhere, someone is fighting for you. As long as you remember her, you are not alone." And in my dumbass brain i thought “wow… Edmund Blackadder is fighting for me?” And the thought alone made me start sobbing and googling pictures of Rowan Atkinson through my tears

#the Blackadder #puella magi madoka magica #rowan atkinson #I really don’t know why im like this

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Actual convo between me and my two friends

Friend 1: heh yeah so my mom signed me up for therapy without me knowing

Friend 2: oh shit really?

Friend 1: yeah I saw the email when I was confirming my tumblr account

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A different convo between the same two friends

Friend 1 (cockily): I will now attack with my xerneas EX and you are now dead.

Friend 2: yeah haha, i am dead

Friend 1: haha… *knocks rhythmically on the wood while fake laughing nervously*

#I was sitting in while they both played Pokémon #but idk what they were saying #because im not a virgin

Theres a hurricane

#minefract

Hey hey hey, now we’re chalking

My advice as a doctor, if you’re worried about sodium intake just try and piss more. Your body pisses out sodium so drink a ton of water and piss. Go ahead and do it. Piss. C’mon it’ll be so funny and im your doctor with a medical license.

#im a doctor #minefract

Cheeseburger pringles gunked up my fingers now my iPads Touch ID won’t work

#Pringles #listening to the Ramones on blast #but I can’t turn it down because my gunk fingers #the Pringles took my identity away #please read that in the tune of the kkk took my baby away or it’s not funny #the ramones

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Update on life; I keep having dreams that im chandler bing from friends and I think that’s a sign I’ll be dying soon

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Hey squad i did not know chandler bings actor was dead i can promise tgat was not the meaning of my joke.

But wow holy fuck i fumbled this one.

#friends

Update on life; I keep having dreams that im chandler bing from friends and I think that’s a sign I’ll be dying soon

#friends #chandler bing #definitely a bad omen

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a symptom of being raised by a autistic mother is being brainwashed as a child into thinking hellboy 2004 is a good movie

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Another example is always being able to recognize actor Doug Jones by not only face but VOICE despite the fact that I never had an interest in a lot of movies hes in because my moms devout love for this man

#he feels like family atp #she follows him on every social media she has #my sister is the same way about him tbh #she met him and cried #Doug jones we love you

Actual convo between me and my two friends

Friend 1: heh yeah so my mom signed me up for therapy without me knowing

Friend 2: oh shit really?

Friend 1: yeah I saw the email when I was confirming my tumblr account

#felt appropriate to post here

Had an exhausting outing and came home wrapped up on the couch and fell asleep while it was still daylight. I woke up, now dark outside, with my roommate (the gay one) laying on me playing grand theft auto with their in game character dressed as childish gambino in the this is America music video swimming underwater with dolphins. As I blinked the sleep from my eyes i say “the fuck are you doing?” Which they respond, in an extremely defensive tone, “uhm im fucking training bro?”

#they sound like Jesse pinkman when they say this btw #minefract

My mom said I have to go into war unless a fat woman takes my virginity so fat women hmu

#250 at the least #it’s true and im not lying #ask my mom

Me: *points at symbol on a guys shirt that vaguely looks like a iron cross* ha i don’t think he should be wearing that

My overly literal friend who doesn’t fully grasp sarcasm: uhm I think that may be the Harley Davison logo…

The otherworldly being that’s been following us since we were young shakes its head in disapproval as it witnesses one of the only times my jokes failed

#minefract #I dont really know #im so funny

This is my impression of John Watson asking Sherlock Holmes what grade he had to repeat but Sherlock had the same education experience as me and neither are brits:

#bbc sherlock #sherlock holmes #thinking about bbc moriarty #I want him #I want him so bad #beatles reference

PMMM last three episodes

Mami Tomoe: Dead

Sayaka Miki: Witch Dead

Kyoko Sakura: Dead

Homura Akemi: I took her to my white room with floating paintings and circle couches and I freaked it

Madoka Kaname: (to homura) yoyr pruple like my mom

#puella magi madoka magica

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