April 24th, 2015
Springtime.
They say it's a time of renewal.
Renewal, rejuvenation, rebirth, and a bunch of other lovely things.
Including love.
Funnily enough, I haven't found it yet.
Or maybe I have and I'm just too scared to do anything about it.
Too scared to go out and get it.
Though, I'll be honest; I have thought about it before. The idea has crept up on me one too many times, over one too many sleepless nights, whether I wanted it to or not.
It's getting increasingly more difficult to refrain from asking it.
And so sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I just can't help but wonder...
What would happen if I told him?
Would it really be that bad?
Is it really as big of a risk as I think it is?
Apparently, my friends don't seem to think so. I can't even begin to count how many times Mich has caught me staring at Jason in the school hallways, or how many times she's tried to casually talk to me about him over lunch, get me to admit it, get me to do something.
It used to get on my nerves, the way she would just pry into my life without warning, roughly ripping me away from the safe and comforting world I had spent so long crafting inside my head.
But now...
Now it's been so bloody long and I'm starting to grow tired of my own careful ways. I'm starting to grow tired of the stagnant state he and I have been trapped in ever since that cool February afternoon. I'm starting to grow tired of the way he's constantly so close but yet so far away.
I'm just starting to grow tired.
Too tired.
Too tired to even change the subject when my friends all come together to playfully tease me, or when my mom asks me why I'm smiling down at my phone so hard. Too tired to keep up my facade.
Now I'm just...
Now I'm just so bloody desperate to get rid of the sinking feeling I get whenever I realize that we aren't as close as I wish we were.
It's not enough.
And sadly, wishing isn't enough either.
But I do it anyway because it's all I have.
Breathing out a heavy sigh, I avert my gaze away from the pretty pale blue sky above me and down onto the dandelion in my grasp, closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath before letting it out a mere few seconds later, causing all of its leaves to blow away into the cool, thin air.
I really wish Jason would like me back.
And then, almost as if on cue, my brief moment of solitude is cut short by the sound of the front door opening, and I open my eyes and look over my shoulder to find...
My mom.
She doesn't seem to notice me right away; she's too busy trying not to trip in her high heels as she walks a little too rapidly down the pathway, muttering a string of profanities to herself as she runs a hand through her freshly curled blonde hair.
"Hey, watch your language!" I say, flashing her a small smile so she'll know I'm partly kidding.
She lets out a gasp when I say that, actually stopping in her tracks for a moment to stare down at me with wide, confused eyes, "Jesus christ! I didn't even see you there." She laughs, "Anyway, sorry. I'm just...I'm late for work!"
"Well, you better hurry up and get out of here then."
"Yeah, you're right." She nods her head and turns on her heel to resume walking, "Okay, bye! Love you! See you tonight!"
"Love you too!" I call after her before turning to stare back down at my now completely bare dandelion.
She seems to notice it, for some reason, and stops in her tracks yet again just to nosily ask, "Hey, what'd ya wish for?"
I just shrug my shoulders then, looking back up to face her with a wistful smile on my face.
"Well, if I told you...it wouldn't come true."
And I really really want it to.