"self love is an ocean and your heart is a vessel. make it full and any excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. but you must come first." -@beautaplin ———
i don't know about you, but self love has always been a process. more times than i can count, i've found the shadowy figure lurking around dark corners and in quiet moments, waiting to pounce and take me out... is me. i am caught off guard when the harsh, haughty eyes in the mirror belong to me. i preach the words of self love and yet am still startled when i discover the voice of my dissenter is my own. i ache to lean into to my vulnerability and authenticity knowing, theoretically, it is beautiful and strong... although never fully trusting it will hold if i close my eyes and commit hard to a trust fall. ———
it is only in extreme humility, the moments i would never have chosen, that i find myself forced into a crux: open handed acceptance, or resistance of all that i cannot control. confession: i don't go down easy and prefer a defiant, isolating, alienating, profane form of resistance. it lasts for a minute, but my exhausted collapse isn't too far behind. ———
weirdly, it's in this white flag surrender space i find freedom to be myself: all my chaos, all my deal breakers. all my irrational requests, my too many hopes and my history of heartbreak. the desires that contradict. the fears that keep me captive. the extra lbs that find their way back to my middle when my mind quits metabolizing my anxious chatter. making up without making plans. crappy first drafts. lame email correspondence. the shaky first day at a new job. skinny pants that sometimes fit. netflix marathons and the recipe that didn't turn out right. the tipsy tirade just because feeling felt good. bad news at the doctor. hula hoop contests. watching the sun duck down under the horizon, missing the sunrise because it happens too early. the beautiful, the bad, the ugly, the irrational, the ambivalent, all of it. ———
it all belongs. make it full. ———
why is self love so hard? why do we loathe things in ourselves we would love in our friends? how do you work through these things?