agape1 gaping, open-mouthed, esp. with wonder or expectation agape2 the unconditional love of God or Christ for mankind, “the love that consumes,” i.e. the highest and purest form of selfless love, one that surpasses all other types of affection [Greek]
I am empty. The peppercorn has left the premises and I am on my own. Every time my stomach cramps I am triggered anew. I sit outside my best friend's birthday party in the parking lot, in the rain, and can't stop crying.
I am full. It is a Thursday night and people have shown up to support me, and I will never forget that they did. I am full of the joy of doing what I love to do, I am full of the love of my friends, I am full with a particularly delicious pinot grigio that hits just right after weeks of no drinking.
I am empty. I am scared to try another time. I feel too old, too brittle, too sad. But I want to be full again.
I am thinking something like LISTEN as in, listen to your gut, listen to your body, listen to your heart, listen before you talk, listen to music and podcasts but also to silence and the sound of the crunching of snow beneath your feet in the cathedral of a forest. Another possibility along the similar lines: TUNE as in tune your heart to God's, tune in to what you are feeling, sing a tune in Glee, etc. And of course, words like SLOW and HEAL and TRUST and CARE all come to mind.
The Life of a Showgirl. I don't usually listen to Taylor Swift, but all my work friends are innnn to her. And you know what? This album is a bop! Current favs are Opalite and Ruin the Friendship.
annnd I stalled out LOL I don't know, life has been a little hard recently. My class has really lovely cutie kids but there are a few extreeeemely silly ones and one who has a super hard time self-regulating and I feel like there are a lot of demands being made of admin and therefore of me this year? Anyways, I do be on the struggle bus. The upcoming long weekend?
my husband and son
OK, will try to come back to this when I'm in a better mood!
(Like a week and a half later...)
I'm back!
4. DWTS, Wicked night! So freaking fun! I loooooove Dylan Efron, and Robert Irwin, and Elaine Hendrix!
5. taking your sick days when you're not feeling well. I haven't missed a day yet which actually must be some sort of record! But I'm unwell tonight and feeling good about being allowed to feel bad, if that makes sense.
6. Summer Fridays lip balm, and Charlotte Tilbury's Pillow Talk, which is about to be the first lipstick I've ever completely used up in my life!
7. when EJ requests certain books to be read (like Alexander and the Terrible No Good etc. or the Unicorns are the Worst series), AND when he spontaneously uses French words (like "C'est froid" or "dent!") AND when he starts to sing the French alphabet or All Hail King Jesus under his breath
8. omg and speaking of King Jesus, we may have actually found a church?!?! Eeeeeeek finally!
9. the chicken soup that jnils made tonight. So thoughtful and so delicious!
10. can't leave out the fall colours! Our hike last weekend and even the driver there was - chef's kiss!
How lovely that there are things I can actually write about!
I just assume there will be a partie 2 but not committing to it or anything, haha. Here are some things I want to remember about this summer so far:
the complete and utter peace and relaxation I felt with B on our little overnight getaway. If I had to break it down, it came down to 1) having zero responsibilities 2) walking a decent amount but not so much that my legs hurt 3) being outside in nature 4) reading! 5) not being on my phone constantly and 6) of course, the company! and maybe 7) the novelty, too
the cuteness of EJ constantly calling Odette's name to give her fun facts about animals and how he kept mispronouncing the spider as "brown recoosh" so she called it that too hahaha
going to Billy's show with my brother! And the time together afterwards. I basically love that in summer I actually have the bandwidth and desire to socialize with people!
The banksia will wait, and wait, and wait for this fire to come. Only with flames and smoke licking at everything around it will it open its valves and let its seeds be taken on this hot, burning wind. Only to black ground, only to ash, will the banksia give its seed. and only within this scorched wasteland can it survive and find a way to thrive. From beneath the carpet of ash - which the untrained eye would look at and see death - comes life, bursting free.
What I miss most is not any of the things I expected. It's having someone to talk to about our children. The hilarious things they say and do, the insights with which they blow my mind and the ways they change frequently and without mercy. I need her to help me process and deliberate and delight in. I want to laugh with her. To be awestruck with her. I want her to look at me in wonder, acknowledging what profound creations we have made together.
What I miss is having someone to look at in moments like these, someone who understands not just the talent or cleverness of our children but the wisdom, the immensity of feeling they hold within. Instead I marvel at them alone.
It's the first time I make the walk up the hill. So far I've had the quad bike to carry me but tonight Raff doesn't offer it and I don't ask. I just take one plodding step after another. And with each of these steps I feel a sense of achievement. It hurts, and I can barely breathe, but I'm going to make it. It's not going to kill me.
Sometimes I think it is helpful to catalog all the boring specifics of a random day. This can help with identifying pain points and what I might do to move my day to day just a little bit closer to ideal. So, without further ado:
6:15am alarm goes off, hit snooze - twice.
6:30am awake and doing ?? on my phone. just generally opening email, instagram, etc. and then closing them after a minute or two.
6:45am showering and getting ready - decided on ankle length green dress
7:00am making lunch/breakfast
7:15am scarf down two fried eggs and a piece of toast
7:30am off to school! Braid my hair and listen to a health podcast (Dr Mindy Pelz) on the way
8:05-8:35am plan the day because I didn't, then begin this post.
8:35-10:35am work work work! Including doing a bit of marking math, photocopying, texting people, sending some emails, getting centred with some breath work and reading the Bible, and of course giving multiple math lessons due to having a split grade
10:35-10:55am break! Listening to the rest of the podcast while checking email and printing the Summer Reading Guide in colour woohoo! eat a homemade dairy/nut-free chocolate chip banana muffin, some carrots and berries and grapes, super delish. go pee!
10:55am-12:15pm: teach teach teach! My bestie/work wife and I set up ancient civilization art centres and the creativity was flowing! It was so fun.
12:15-12:35pm: outside supervision. I got hit in the face with a soccer ball and the pollen sucks. :/
12:35-12:55pm: chatting with coworkers for 10 mins, then a quickie lunch in my room!
12:55-1:35pm: social studies looking at ancient methods of transportation and relating them to modern day
1:35-2:10pm: watching the Summer Reading Guide unboxing! I guess my genre is firmly Thriller/Mystery! If it ain't broke don't fix it!
2:10-2:45pm: more teaching lol plus tying up loose ends at my desk for tomorrow's plans...
2:45-3:50pm: pick up EJ
3:50-5:30pm: slog through a totally insane meltdown based around Lego/having to eat the dinner that was cooked which by the way was delicious and inoffensive (chicken skewers with veggies and pineapple) etc. This was for sure the worst part of my day. A website sent me an email the other day saying something like, "your five year old has outgrown tantrums, but blah blah blah" and I say to that, LIES.
5:30-7:00pm: try to turn things around with a jaunt outside to the tennis courts...it was fun! EJ is pretty athletic and it's so cool that he's able to like...hit a ball with a racquet, run to retrieve it, I just love it! Then we ran across three full soccer fields to get to a far off park (my watch: "you've had a DEMANDING day" haha my heart rate went up to like 150 from that mild jog in the heat and let's face it probably the stress of the previous hour and a half...) and EJ picked me a giant dandelion. It's so cute how he does that!
7:00-8:00pm hydrate, snack, bath, bedtime. At 8:00pm I laid in bed next to him and watched the beginning part of the SRG release. He was asleep by 8:20pm and by 8:45pm I was showering and winding down. Talked to jnils a bit, downloaded a bunch of books to my Kobo, and was in bed reading until about 10:20pm at which point I passed out! Fin!
Things that worked:
-even though I SUCK at caring about how I look lol it turns out that throwing on a dress and braiding my hair makes it look like I put a tiny amount of effort in? Or at least I get compliments like being told I'm beautiful and look like a princess! Which is great because I simply cannot be the sort of person who sacrifices any sort of leisure or sleep time for getting up early to put on makeup or do my hair, lol.
-getting a planning time payback. It always makes me feel way more relaxed. And to be fair, today is my easiest day of the cycle in any case.
-the 2.5 minutes of silence I forced myself to take. It helps my brain just settle the fuck down and all the tasks I've had cycling through my mind as open tabs I can just write down so I can actually close those loops!
-homemade snacks. It's annoying and sometimes I don't feel like I have the energy to make them, but when I do the payoff is fabulous.
-it's possible that eating eggs instead of all carbs for breakfast helped, too? I tried it again this morning and so far am feeling pretty good and level-headed.
-working with my colleagues. Honestly this is probably my favourite staff ever! Not only do I get to plan and co-teach with Odette every day but there is a core group of about four other teachers who I LOVE. They came to the show, they also love music and reading and positivity and it is just a whole vibe here. We're doing a summer book club! I can't even.
-getting outside. Even though my allergies are kicking my ass, fresh air and sunshine seems to be helpful for me and the little guy too.
Things that need some workshopping:
-EJ's picky eating. S O S it's so annoying. I can't remember being picky whatsoever, and neither can jnils, so wtf! Did we somehow bring this upon ourselves? I try to follow all the "rules" (this is the only thing for dinner tonight, you don't have to eat it now but if you're hungry later this is what will be offered, screens off, let's pray together and then eat, etc, etc. and still somehow we end up having a battle semi-frequently...whyyyyy)
-my complete current lack of motivation when it comes to actually getting school-related things done. Maybe I just need to live in this season and it's my body's way of telling me I can slow down and who cares? Lol. Anyway, these are the things I'm pondering.
-wait one more thing. How do teachers keep their desks organized? Because I try every year and I just can't do it haha.
The post-show blues, that is! jnils said he felt sorry for me because he could see them already starting to emerge, lol.
Here are the things I love about Glee:
how you need to be completely present in the moment. The next step, line, harmony, who are you passing the mic to, I love that nothing else exists beyond the world that you are pretending to be in
and speaking of pretending, I love being NOT myself, while also feeling the MOST like myself. What it says about me that I love to pretend to be someone I'm not and that I feel most like myself while doing that, I'm not sure...haha
let's be real, I do love me some applause and compliments, and my mom actually super earnestly said to me, "I always think to myself when you open your mouth for the first time at one of these shows, she has a GREAT voice" ...I can't remember my mom ever saying this in an earnest vs flippant offhand way? And it meant so much to me! The fam jam is so supportive and I live for it.
Glee people are my PEOPLE. I just love them all so much and feel so loved in return.
and finally, one of my coworkers said, "You look so happy when you're singing onstage" and that is the truth, it is my happy place! I think it is so cool that a group of human beings can come together, take notes written on a page and turn that into five part harmony with movement and storytelling...that act of creation is pure magic.
High: EJ looks at me first thing in the morning on Saturday, slowly smiles and sighs, "I just love looking at your beautiful face."
Low: He screams for five minutes straight because his dad dared to cut up his green apple to serve it to him instead of giving it to him whole (up until today he has refused to eat it whole and demanded it be sliced, of course), and then loses his mind when we tell him he either eats that or nothing for snack. Followed by an insistence that I told him to throw it on the floor. Because that's something I would do...
High: he finally learned to ride his bike (albeit with training wheels on it, but before last weekend he had zero interest or staying power to actually push the pedals around and propel himself forward, lol) and it's very cute.
Low: EVERY two minutes tonight he needs attention. He doesn't want to play or go outside and is exhausted, but also cannot just sit and watch TV. "I'm hungry." "I'm thirsty." "I need to pee." "I don't want this episode." All this while I'm trying to cook food for his picky self.
High: a trip to the grocery store where he was delighted by everything: "look at that GIGANTIC watermelon!" "WOW Mama look at this, what's this! What animal does ham come from? That is a part of a piggy's body!" "Are those TENTACLES?!" etc. He's a lot of fun to do everyday things with, except for when he's not.
my house. A colleague's burned down this weekend, which feels like it shouldn't happen up here, but it did.
my clothes and bed and just general belongings, see above.
despite a stomach bug hitting our household right in time for Easter, I appreciate the silver linings to that cloud, including lots of reading time!
Erin Condren launch day! Can't wait for it to arriiiiiive!
that every errand I did today went so much quicker than expected. I barely sat down before they were calling me for my walk-in chest x ray which made me feel guilty since there were like 10 people there before me...but I guess they had ultrasounds or something...
so long as jnils doesn't succumb he's going to make homemade chicken noodle soup which I'm looking forward to
a great support system! It struck me anew while making my parents a surprise 40th anniversary photo album that I am so blessed to love both sides of my family so dearly, and to genuinely enjoy spending time with everyone
living in a relative time of peace and democracy, again, what a blessing to be born in Canada into such privilege
Jesus' sacrifice for me.
and here is the Bible verse I spent the Lenten season memorizing:
Now this is what the Lord says - the One who created you, Jacob, and the One who formed you, Israel - "do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine." - Isaiah 43:1
at 1 in the morning! I basically never feel lonely except for when I’m awake in the middle of the night and it feels like I’m the only conscious person in the world. (A silly feeling of course, but present nonetheless!) Ezra puked spectacularly over five hours ago and he is snoozing away so I should be asleep too but I can’t! I must keep watch! And live to regret my inability to sleep tomorrow when I’m cranky af. Sigh!
There's a planner company whose products look right up my alley called MakseLife; they suggest a weekly reflection in these eight areas. While I would never be able to keep up with that amount of journalling (clearly), I thought I'd give it a go and do a quick snapshot of where I've been at in recent days!
Personal: the hardest category first, what goes in here if not health and wellness/fun and recreation? I got a haircut? What else - I've fallen in love with Gatorade Glacier Freeze Iceberg flavour, just pop it in the freezer for an hour or two to turn it slushy and - chef's kiss! Oh, and I also downloaded an app blocker and have gained back thirteen years of my life according to said app.
Health and Wellness: well. I thought I was over the lung stuff because I had one good day on March 1 and then proceeded to lie down all day March 2 feeling totally exhausted and depressed. BUT overall, I can do way more than I could. Like Thursday's very dance heavy three hour Glee rehearsal, and walking up and down the stairs without really thinking about it. I jogged to my car today on the opposite side of the parking lot and lived to regret it as my lungs are hurting right now while I'm passively sitting on the couch, but overall, the trajectory is headed in the right direction.
Fun and Recreation: as previously mentioned, my main form of fun and recreation is Glee of course! The last two practices I haven't been like a pale feeble version of myself, which we love. And I'm looking forward to book club with B. Plus I'm super into the Louise Penny book series and enjoyed the Severance/Traitors finales. Bachelor finishes tonight and then it'll just be me and Survivor hanging out.
Spiritual and Personal Growth: could be better, could be worse. I'm doing a Lent devotional that is a little dry and I tried giving up yelling at jnils for Lent, LOL. (He didn't notice.) EJ and I have been reading a kids' Bible together which is suuuuper cute.
Work and Learning: I lost a student and gained three new ones, spring fever hit and the class has never recovered. They are LOUD now. It's fine but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to summer already! My current favourite part of the school day is manie musicale. So fun!
Financial: eh. God provides what we need and that's all I gotta say about that!
Family and Relationships: this area is pretty good recently. I love my family, both nuclear and extended, and am looking forward to all the get togethers that usually happen in spring. Birthday dinners! Easter! Mother's Day! Last night we played board games and puzzles and I love this age of parenting too. :)
Physical Environment: ahhh my favourite area currently! We tackled EJ's room hardcore this weekend and probably got rid of four garbage bags worth of toys and clothes, which then had a trickle-down effect on the living room. His room feels sooo spacious and good.
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