confessions of a medic

I'm a medic. I made this blog to get my emotions out and help with my SI and depression. I don't except anyone to read it or care. Just a platform to talk.

[persefoneofsaturn]

all standing in front of a broken flowerpot

Elain: So, who broke it? I’m not mad I just wanna know.

everyone glances to each other

Azriel: I did, I broke it-

Elain: No, no you didn’t. Cassian?

Cassian: Don’t look at me. Look at Amren.

Amren: I didn’t break it.

Cassian: Huh that’s weird. How’d you even know it was broken?

Amren: Because it’s sitting right in front of us, and it’s broken.

Cassian, leans close to Amren: Suspicious.

Amren: No, it’s not-

Feyre: If it matters, probably not, but Rhys was the last one to use it.

Rhys: Liar, I hate gardening.

Feyre: Oh really? Then what were you doing by garden?

Rhys: I like smell the flowers and sunbathe in the afternoon. Everyone knows that Feyre...

Azriel: Okay let’s not fight, let me pay for it, Elain.

Elain: No, Az. Who broke it?

Cassian, lowers voice: Elain, Nesta and Mor has been awfully quiet-

Nesta: Really?

Mor: Bastard.

all start fighting

Elain, drinking tea with Nuala and Cerridwen: I broke it. I tripped and almost fell, so I kicked it. I predict 10 minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good, it was getting a little chummy around here.

[gidgetcooper]

I have memes for thirsty cockroaches

[suicidal-medic]

I’m around a lot of medics, firefighters and police officers. One of our policies is that suicidal people cannot refuse EMS. I always disagreed with this. I always felt like we as humans have the right to deny medical treatment, (which we do) but that doesn’t apply in the case of mental distress. Patients get put in a emergency detention order, where they’re taken into protective custody.

I believe we as humans have the right to deny medical treatment including suicide prevention. We have the right to end our own lives.

[suicidal-medic]

He makes me feel like shit. I know he's gaslighting me 99.9% of the time. He has me so in his control that I honestly don't know how to tell him he's gaslighting me without him spinning it back on me and making me believe that he's not. He tells me Im disgusting, he says Im lazy, He thinks Im not worth his time. I know he's toxic for me but I still go back to him. Anytime he calls, anytime he texts. I’m there. 

[suicidal-medic]

I don't know what happens that makes me feel like this. Sometimes I sit in bed and I wonder what it would be like to end it. What would my funeral be like? I wonder who would show up. All of my Ems family would, I like to think that. My family I'm sure. Im not sure about anyone else. Im always trying to decide on a suicide plan. How will I do it? I have so many options, so many things I have access to its crazy. 

I saw my executive director today. Dressed in his Class-A for a company photo where we all looked nice. Last time he wore his full uniform was for a previous administrators funeral. He still had the black band around his badge. And all I could think about was, that's how he’ll look when I kill myself. 

[suicidal-medic]

My supervisor is one of my best friends. He’s there for me through everything. My dad hasn't been the biggest supporter in my life, but my supervisor has became that father figure in my life almost, he answers all my life questions. He knows about my depression. He went to administration and told them I needed help. Part of me is grateful and part of me feels betrayed that he would go behind my back like that. 

I’ve been hoping someone would help me for years now, I guess I finally got what I wanted. I think I was always worried someone would think I was unfit to be on the truck. I was worried I’d lose my job or something like that. Hopefully this goes well and I can keep on working. 

[suicidal-medic]

The night was a couple months ago. Beginning of the year, maybe around Christmas time, it’s all a blur now, I don't really remember. We get called out to this residence on the north side of town. Comes out as a high priority call, police is already on scene. We’re first responding for a paramedic unit. We get on scene and I’m thinking it'll be pretty basic, my partner and I will be able to clear the call pretty quickly and cancel the paramedic. Its night time and I can’t really see anything. next thing I know, a police officer is banging on my window, telling me we need to get into the house right now and we don't have time to get an equipment. That’s odd cause PD doesn't really freak out on calls like this. My partner grabs our monitor and I grab our red bag. I walk into the residence and find our patient. 

The guy is maybe 30, I can't really remember the details. All I remember is seeing this guy drenched in blood. He had slit his throat from one side of his neck to the other. Cut both jugular arteries like he was cutting through butter with a hot knife. He was still conscious, how was he still conscious? He wasn't breathing through his mouth anymore, he was breathing through his trachea, this guy basically just made a tracheostomy for himself. 

He lost so much blood that he was the color of a white sheet. You should've seen the bathroom, it looked like something out of a horror movie. He had a towel around his neck to prevent further blood loss. Maybe that's how he survived, he clotted off his neck to prevent blood loss, I’m not sure. It took so many medics, fire fighters, and police officers to get him out of the house. I’ve never seen so many agencies work together for someone like that. 

We get him into the truck, no one can get an IV on this guy, he had so much blood loss that it made it almost impossible. Only one more option at this point, they put an IO in him, conscious IO. My paramedic failed to administer lidocaine to this guy, which made the IO that more painful. Hearing this guy scream out of his neck was traumatizing. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. 

Its not the trauma of the call that keeps me up at night. While we were moving the the patient to the truck. All I could hear was the patients mom on scene. Screaming to her son how much she loved him, how much she cared for him. How she would never stop loving him. She was crying so much. All I could think about, and this is why the call has stuck with me so much, was because all I could imagine was my mom, when I attempted suicide, hearing her cry out for me, and for the paramedics to take care of me when I had slashed my wrists open. 

[suicidal-medic]

I stay up all night, tell myself I'm alright

Sasha Sloan

[suicidal-medic]

I never really know where to begin when I start to type one of these. 

My coworker got engaged today. She’s engaged to this beautiful police officer from the town we work in. They had a huge event, in the local park. Catered, a bunch of my friends were there, fellow coworkers. All the units/ambulances got to go over to the event to congratulated my coworker and her girlfriend/fiance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so so so grateful and happy for them. 

However, all the people who got invited, haven't worked at my job as long as I have, haven't known my coworker as long as I have. She always made me feel like we were really close friends. It just makes me upset because I didn't get invited.. I always feel like I'm never really welcome. I never get invited to events. I never get invited to weddings, get togethers, anything. It’s always been like that in my life. I’m always everyones second choice. 

I don't have a friend group really. I don't have a circle of friends I can connect with and always do everything with. I feel like everyone has that except for me. Thats so depressing, to be alone all the time. I’ve always been alone. Hopefully one day I won't be alone anymore. 

[suicidal-medic]

I’m mostly starting this blog because I need somewhere to anonymously post things about my job. I’m a paramedic, I’m 21, I’m suicidal. I don’t expect anyone to follow me but I guess this is where I can get out my thoughts.

[lady-medic]

“When you step through those doors, you better be ready. There are no re-dos, no second chances, no repeats. You have entered the arena and it’s just you and your patient, and you need to be sure that every decision you make is the right one. Just breathe, don’t let your training fail you, and know that in this story, you’re the hero.”

[public-service-central]

Patient Assessment

In the field 

In-class scenario

[freshontheambo]

Me: *asks patient what day it is*

Also me: *is on 2nd night shift in a row and has no fucking clue what day it is*

[imforeverjustyours-deactivated2]

Aftermath of a bad call. Now he’s going to clean his rig, relive the call while he writes a report, and then go do it all again. Shoutout to our EMTs and Paramedics who do this day in and day out.