Bad trip I couldn't get off
And maybe I bit off more than I could chew
And overhead of the aqua blue
(The kids aren't alright- Fall Out Boys)
If I want to touch him, Iwaizumi thought, so be it, just touch him.
"You still haven't gotten over the habit of buying a bunch of ready-to-eat food for the whole week, have you? Cooking one proper meal will kill you or something ?" he asked, his voice monotonous through the speaker, a very Iwaizumi Hajime kind of tone. He always tried to be polite to everyone, but at the same time, Iwaizumi knew he didn't want to.
(It's a relief to think about the fact that, Oikawa was the only one who knew all this about him)
"Yes, sorry for always being a clumsy person, sorry for always being wrong, Mr.Iwaizumi" Oikawa sighed. Iwaizumi was in his dorm in Irvine, and it was dark now, the sounds of the city rushing in to fill up the empty room. Oikawa, on the other end of the line, was far away in Buenos Aires. Suddenly Iwaizumi realized how much he missed hearing this teasing tone so close to his ear.
"But you know, Iwa-chan. Time is treasure, and money. I want to focus all my time on volleyball. If not, why could I still standing here?" Oikawa exhaled. Iwaizumi didn't say anything approving, but he let out a small, complacent hum.
"Well, I guess you're not wrong" Iwaizumi sighed, more helpless than in surrender. He wondered where Oikawa was. He didn't hear any other sounds around him, maybe Oikawa was at home. "But I mean, you need to balance your life too, Oikawa. I don't want to go to your funeral yet"
"It's okay, it's okay. Everything's fine, Iwa-chan" Oikawa boasted "Recently, I've improved my reaction speed to the ball from one second two to one second. Sooner or later I'll get to play oversea"
"You talk like a clock or something . It's awful" Iwaizumi said bluntly, and Oikawa let out a disgruntled cry. Iwaizumi could never understand it, but Oikawa once said that he liked the calculation, because he wanted everything to be perfect, and loved the feeling of the ball reaching the palm of his teammate in the right amount of time. He liked it, when everything was in order, his lips parted, counting the passing moments. One, two. A pass is two seconds. The jumping block is three seconds. Fast pass is one second five. "I remember when I was in high school I was influenced by you too. I kept counting one, two before I jumped. Not so much now, though"
"You can use that habit for many things Iwa-chan, in normal life, for example" Oikawa hummed. "Like the three-second, and five-second rule. Do you measure anything else like that?"
(If I want to touch him, Iwaizumi thought, so be it, just reach out)
(It's only three seconds)
"No, nothing," he lied. Oikawa fell silent, an invisible nod that both of them understood. Oikawa then tried to convince him of his habit of shopping for ready-to-eat food, the health benefits of a box of dried sardines, and told him to buy presents for their parents, the next time they would return to Miyagi.
(Not just three seconds anymore, Iwaizumi thought. It's thirteen hours now, do you have to be so far away from me?)
Fall to your knees bring on the rapture
Blessed be the boys time can't capture
On film or between the sheets
I always fall from your window
To the pitch black streets
They were sitting together in class, their desks by the windows, and when the glass is pulled aside they'll be able to have their own cherry blossom branch. The branch seemed to have grown in a different trajectory than the others, hanging down from the window of their third-floor classroom instead of floating in the pale blue sky like others. This was Oikawa's favorite lunch spot, Iwaizumi remembered. Though to him it was nothing more than a nuisance, as cherry blossoms always covered his lunch box.
"Not again!" Iwaizumi let out a disgruntled groan, clutching his head as a peach petal fell straight into his bowl of soup. It was springtime, and his mother had prepared a squash soup for him, which she said was perfect for this weather. Anyway, he couldn't eat it anymore now. "I'm so sick of this place"
"Sometimes we should just enjoy those small moments in life, Iwa-chan" said Oikawa intelligently—something Iwaizumi detested. "You'll miss this all later, when we're not here anymore"
Oikawa's statement made them both fall silent for a second, even though Iwaizumi knew it was just a frivolous but factual remark. They both knew what was coming, though both avoided it like a giant elephant in the room. They were in their final year, the college entrance exam is approaching, and then they would have to find their own way. Though it sounded shallow, Iwaizumi hated thinking about those things, about what school he's going to, where he's moving to, the things he often called "adult worries". He wanted his life to be just like it was then- only him and Oikawa, the volleyball team, school, dinner, and the desire to become stronger. Thinking that all of this would eventually end made him feel both frustrated and heartbroken, like a child who lost his favorite toy he was holding in his hand.
"Have you thought about where to go?" It was Oikawa who asked, ending the silence that hung between them. He knew Iwaizumi didn't want to stay in Japan- he said that Tokyo was too complicated to live in, and he didn't really want to continue his career as a volleyball player. As usual, Oikawa always knew what Iwaizumi was thinking. He wasn't sure why either.
"For the time being, I'm considering between California and Brazil, or Korea. They have a very good university program, and the scholarship amounts are also very high" Iwaizumi said. Oikawa replied with the sound of bread crumbling in his mouth. What is he, six years old? "But anyway, I want to choose the closest place to Japan. I also have to calculate how long it is from the airport to where I will live and which country is the easiest to issue a Visa"
"I mean, you can just go where you want. There's no need to think so much. If you want to go---- then just go" Oikawa explained calmly. A hand tapped on his chin, and Iwaizumi's eyes widened, as if surprised, before that expression slipped from his face. Looking calm, Iwaizumi shrugged.
"And what can guarantee that, there will be no risks if I just go where I want to go, without any consideration?"
Oikawa smiled. Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes, he didn't understand, couldn't understand. The midday sun shone on Oikawa's face, a glimmer of light, winding through the air.
"Because no matter where Iwa-chan is, I'll be there to find you whenever you need me"
Surviving in California wasn't easy for Iwaizumi, even though he never wanted to admit it. After being encouraged by Oikawa that year, Iwaizumi decided to go to Irvine, and signed up for a small volleyball team while waiting for the results of his college entrance exams. At that time, everything was still easy. He lived in a small apartment, the window overlooking the street, watching the flow of people. His apartment was a five-minute bus ride and a ten-minute walk from the gym. Everyone was friendly to him, every Friday they would go to party at the restaurant just down the street. California was so similar but also so different from Japan, especially when you place Irvine next to the Miyagi. The night in Irvine was always alive, in a sense that wasn't very pleasant to him. How can one sleep in a city like this?
"You can never actually separate the night and day here" another Japanese guy on the team told Iwaizumi. Apparently his name is Takehito. "It's not easy to live here, Iwaizumi" Takehito said while packing things from his closet into his personal bag. He applied for leave to return home. "I'll just go back to Japan. My parents said it's okay, and everything will be fine. I'll give it a try there" then he gave Iwaizumi a rare smile "But one day, I hope I will see you on TV"
Iwaizumi found himself different from that moment, from the day Takehito returned home, until he received an invitation from Birtwistle University, for a scholarship to the athletic training department. But studying was no way easy, and Iwaizumi had to move from his tiny apartment with beautiful windows into the school dormitory in the city center. His classmates were not very friendly. They were taller, and harder to approach. They didn't try to talk to him. It took him twenty minutes to walk from the dormitory to the nearest restaurant. Weekends were no longer a concept to Iwaizumi, as he spent almost all of his time at the library, and the chatty calls between him and Oikawa dwindle before disappearing altogether. Currently, they only call when there was a need.
Suddenly, Iwaizumi realized how great the distance between them had became. He could no longer reach out and touch him, one, two, three, and his hand reached Oikawa, and Oikawa turned to smile at him, like a strip of spring sunshine. No, that had gone too far, and Oikawa was on the other side of the continent. There was no way Iwaizumi could reach out to touch him anymore. Not just three seconds. No more feeling the warmth of his flesh, like one reaching out to touch the sun. Just a palm filled with air.
"Iwaizumi-san" someone called out, causing him to flinch. Iwaizumi looked up, it was Ushijima. He looked even taller than when he was in high school, even though he was already something different from them then. He almost forgot they were at the park chatting after meeting Ushijima's father, not having time to regain his composure until the other handed him a can of Pocari sweat.
"You got heatstroke? Your face looks a bit tense" said Ushijima, very casually. Iwaizumi never thought he was that kind of caring person. "If you want, we can go home"
"I'm fine, thank you" Iwaizumi nodded politely and popped the lid of the can. Its sticky taste was so familiar, it made him smile a little. "In high school we used to drink this like it was water, so nostalgic"
"You're not wrong" replied Ushijima. It seemed that what Iwaizumi said also made him think a bit. "Miyagi sure is amazing"
Iwaizumi was silent, because the other was right. There was something about Miyagi that always held him back, even though he was an ocean, and twenty-two hours away. Relaxed days, without thinking about the worries of adults, a volleyball on his shoulder. Peach blossoms outside the window of their classroom in Aoba Johsai. His training shoes were lying next to Oikawa's, and they were sprawled on the floor, drenched in sweat. Oikawa reached out his hand to touch the sunlight as if it were something, and his face was disappointed as if he wanted to hold it tightly in his hand. Iwaizumi didn't know why he remembered that scene now. Oikawa's hand clenched, sunspots dancing across his face.
Iwaizumi realized he could never forget that face.
"Do you want to go back to Miyagi, Iwaizumi-san?"
I'm not passive but aggressive
Take note, it's not impressive
Like you're dumping your purse on my bedroom floor
We put your curse in reverse
They were sitting side by side in the shade of Kitagawa Daiichi High School's gym, and Iwaizumi remembered that at the time, Oikawa was crying. His face was flushed red, buried in the collar of his blue-white jacket with their middle school logo on it, his eyes puffy, tears streaking down his cheeks. Iwaizumi sighed, pulling out a handkerchief. He was already too used to this.
"Listen, everything's fine. We'll do better next year" Iwaizumi said, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible, thrusting the towel into Oikawa's hand. With the stubborn expression still on, Oikawa blew his nose. "Shiratorizawa is strong, but they're just a team like us. Just practice and we can beat them. So stop crying, okay?"
"I can't accept it...." Oikawa sobbed, his face buried in the handkerchief "Unacceptable....we practice until it's dark....every day.... only to lose..." He pouted "It's not fair"
"I know, I know" Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. He, honestly, didn't feel as miserable as Oikawa was feeling right now. I mean, last year they lost to Shiratorizawa too. The year before... and the year before that, as well. It was humiliating to think about, however, Iwaizumi didn't think he had the need to show it out like Oikawa, so he kept quiet. But Oikawa seemed to have something else in mind, so Iwaizumi saw him look up, his eyes shining like stars.
"Listen, Iwa-chan. Do you know what the summer solstice is?" Oikawa said. Seeing him shake his head, Oikawa let out a sigh.
"The summer solstice is the beginning of summer in the northern hemisphere. Which means it's the only day of the year where the day is longer than the night. It's the longest day of the summer" he explained, scrutinizing Iwaizumi's face. Eyes shining, it was hard to believe that Oikawa was in the ninth grade, the province's best second passer, and the captain of the Kitagawa Daiichi volleyball team. He looked just like a kid.
"That means, on this day we have more time to play volleyball, the longest day we can practice together in a year. So from now on, we will play volleyball a lot on that day, and then we'll get better. And then, we'll defeat Shiratorizawa, okay?"
(At that time, his way of thinking was only enough to deceive children. However, Iwaizumi still wanted to listen to him. He still wanted to believe)
"That's a good idea, Oikawa" Iwaizumi exhaled, grinning. Oikawa nodded.
"Then promise me, that we'll spend the summer solstice every year together. And we'll get stronger. We'll be the strongest pair in Japan!"
Oikawa held out his hand, and Iwaizumi waved it at him, a habit of theirs.
And it's our time now if you want it to be
Maul the world like a carnival bear set free
And your love is anemic and I can't believe
That you couldn't see it coming from me
"I can't make it this year" one day when Oikawa called him, Iwaizumi lied.
He didn't have to turn on the video mode to picture Oikawa's face right now. He must have been frozen in front of the phone, arms crossed over his chest, eyebrows furrowed stubbornly—the kind of Oikawa Tooru expression he used to make when he didn't get what he wanted. Then Iwaizumi would have to coax him with some reason that would be able convince Oikawa, hopefully, so that he would just let it go and forget about it. He was so used to this scenario.
"I have a particularly important test. You know, I'm in my fourth year, my final year. I can't miss any chance to graduate" he lied again, the words overlapping, he knew it was all a pathetic counter-measure. "That's why I'm not going back to Miyagi. But Ushiwaka will go, I guess"
"I don't care about Ushiwaka at all, are you crazy out of your mind??!" Oikawa hissed from the other end of the line in displeasure. His voice was shrill, filled with anger, and Iwaizumi understood why. "We already didn't come back last year, Iwa-chan. And the year before as well"
"What's the point of coming back there?" Iwaizumi sighed "We've been gone for four years anyway"
"Well, we should go back to watch this year's Seijou match against Shiratorizawa. Go back and have a beer with Mattsun and Makki. Go back, and have a surprise party to congratulate Yahaba on his promotion. Let's go home, back to our old practice room in Aoba Johsai, Iwa-chan" Oikawa explained. Iwaizumi admitted that all of the reasons Oikawa listed were valid, but he couldn't let himself give in.
"I'm so sorry, but I can't miss the exam this time He sighed. Somehow, Iwaizumi had a feeling that Oikawa didn't believe him. He always knew when he was lying, but despite that, Iwaizumi was still here. He really didn't want to see Oikawa. At least, not right now.
"I see" Oikawa hummed, then sank into a thoughtful, silent silence "It's just...."
"It's just that I feel like you're so far away from me, Iwa-chan"
Consciousness slammed into Iwaizumi like a bullet train, and he felt his hand freeze for a moment. No matter how much they both avoided it, despite the fact that they already knew it was true, Iwaizumi- like Oikawa- never wanted to admit, that their relationship wasn't what it used to be. They were different. They were adults, with adult worries, and Iwaizumi had forgotten how close Oikawa felt to him, as well as the love he had never expressed. He didn't want to say it, nor did he intend to say it. He just wanted to keep Oikawa there, close enough for Iwaizumi to see him, but far enough for Iwaizumi not to touch, to not need to touch him.
It was him who pushed Oikawa away, but as a natural reaction, he wished Oikawa would come closer to him, once again placing his hand on his forehead, laughing into his throat. As a natural reaction, he avoided Oikawa, but he was the one who craved him, more than anyone.
"Stop saying things like that"
Iwaizumi was silent. His lips pursed.
"I don't want to hear you talk about such things anymore" Iwaizumi repeated. "Our relationship--- it's fine. We're grown-ups, Oikawa. We're not two eighteen years old anymore. We don't have to stick together all the time. So-- you don't have to, think about me so much. Just let--- let things be. I'm just one of them people in your life"
Deep down inside, Iwaizumi knew Oikawa wasn't wrong. He knew it all- about the short, awkward conversations, about the calls that dwindled and stopped altogether. Suddenly, Iwaizumi wondered how his old self would feel. If he went back in time, and told eighteen-year-old Iwaizumi that he didn't want to be Oikawa's best friend anymore, he would probably punch him in the mouth and call him an idiot. That's what Iwaizumi was, he was an idiot. He knew his eighteenth self would reach out to touch Oikawa and hold him tightly in his arms with all his might, but now, he wouldn't allow himself to do that anymore, wouldn't give himself the right to that anymore.
Oikawa didn't say anything. He hung up, and Iwaizumi couldn't reach him until a week later.
And sometimes I just wanna sit around and
And let your dirty sadness fill me up
They were sitting next to each other on Aoba Johsai's gym floor, it was the summer solstice of their senior year in high school. The two had been practicing all day, just like the promise they had made to each other, so Iwaizumi thought his poor back was falling to pieces as he collapsed onto the wooden floor. Oikawa was sitting up straight, thinking about something. He was always thinking about something, it was weird. Iwaizumi reached out, his fingertips touching Oikawa's shirt, the white and blue plaid uniform shirt worn over the years. At that time, Oikawa was still very close.
"What's wrong, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa asked with wide eyes. Outside the door, dusk was slowly falling, signaling the end of the longest day of summer, and also the beginning of summer.
Iwaizumi felt his mind relax at that thought.
"Nothing" he grinned, exhaling. He didn't even know why he was so happy. "Suddenly I feel happy because summer is coming"
"You've always liked summer, haven't you, like a child" Oikawa made an innocuous remark. Iwaizumi glanced at him, and Oikawa seemed to falter. "Okay, me too, fine, I'm sorry" the brunette exhaled, surrendering.
"But this summer is the last summer I'll be able to practice with Iwa-chan. It's sad to think about, to be honest"
Ever since they were two kids, Iwaizumi and Oikawa have always loved summer. Iwaizumi was born in June, a month before Oikawa, so his mother made a joke that they were the children of summer. Iwaizumi remembered that they were both very proud of that, a childish pride. But for him and Oikawa, summer is the season of freedom, no school, no homework, the sun is always overhead and a big field with a ball for them to play freely. Summer is the season to rest and do what they want, the blue on the back of Oikawa's shirt when he jumps for a serve, the sticky taste of Pocari sweat dripping down their throat, Oikawa's hand holding his, sweaty, but never letting go. It is often said that high school is the spring of life, although Iwaizumi still stubbornly believed that it should be summer.
"That's not wrong" Iwaizumi exhaled. "We trained really hard today, anyway. Even though I don't think we'll ever face Ushiwaka again" he pretended to stick his tongue out, shaking his head. At the thought of that name, Iwaizumi was bored to the core. They had haunted each other for years now, it was finally time to let go.
"Actually... that's why we don't need to practice today. But for some reason I still wanted to call you over"
"You're too cheesy" Iwaizumi laughed. The setting sun poured into the gym, licking his shins.
Oikawa did not answer. Iwaizumi jerked his head up when he didn't hear him reply, with a laugh, or perhaps an exclamation, as his talkative nature often did. But nothing came. Oikawa said nothing, and when Iwaizumi tilted his head to look at him, he saw that Oikawa's face was red.
(Don't say anything, he thought. Please don't)
"Perhaps because...." Oikawa hesitated. But then he squeezed his hand, his eyes wavering.
(With each summer, you'll get further and further away from me, thought Iwaizumi. So don't say anything. You know that's better for both of us)
"Perhaps because today is the longest day of the year, that I can be with Iwa-chan" continued Oikawa. His eyes filled with tears, like that day when he cried after the loss, and Iwaizumi comforted him, the day they made that promise. A promise for the summer solstice, a handshake at dusk, a handkerchief, a smile. Iwaizumi remembered those things as clearly as if it were yesterday.
"One day in a year may sound like a big deal, but compared to our whole life, it's merely a second" Oikawa laughed. "So if it's just for a second, can you stay with me?"
On the summer solstice of 2023, Iwaizumi did not go to class.
The previous call between him and Oikawa kept Iwaizumi miserable for a week, as he deserved. He tried calling him many times but couldn't, all his messages went straight to voicemail. No calls from Matsukawa and Hanamaki- maybe Oikawa didn't tell them. He spent his days buried in blankets and survived on fast food and water. The hum of the air conditioner was the only sound he could hear these days. Looked like his utility bill will increase. Iwaizumi couldn't care less. He deserved it.
The clock showed nine o'clock in the morning. Iwaizumi turned on his phone, realizing that today was the summer solstice, he had almost forgotten about it. June twenty-two, the text on his screen appeared. He sighed heavily, and was actually about to go back to his sleep, until someone knocked on his door.
"The utility bill isn't due today" Iwaizumi called out, his voice slurred, tired. Damn, he hated this dorm.
There was silence on the other side of the door. And then, Iwaizumi's eyes widened.
"If you don't open this door, Iwa-chan" the voice said, "I swear, quite seriously, that I'll kill you"
I think you're my best friend
Don't you know that the kids aren't al, kids aren't alright?
It was like a shock, and suddenly, all the sounds in the world seemed to have returned to him, crashing into Iwaizumi's room like a giant storm. The sound of the city, the music outside the window, his TV crackling, his heart pounding. Iwa-chan. Its tone was painfully familiar, nostalgia exploding and rattling in his chest like a chemical reaction. Iwaizumi mumbled, getting out of the blankets and crawling up, heading for the door. His hand was cold when he placed it on the doorknob, and for a minute he wondered what it would be like if he hadn't opened it. But he knew this time, he had to do the right thing after all the mistakes, so---
(Three seconds, only three seconds)
Oikawa's arms wrapping around him, and the scent of shampoo in his hair smelled like cherry blossoms, his body warm, his shoulders lightly shook as they collided. Oikawa was like a hurricane hitting right in his little room, and it really scared the hell out of Iwaizumi with what all this could do, but at the same time he thought he'd never been so happy. Turned out that's all it took. It only took three seconds to reach him, three seconds for his mouth to open and call "Oikawa!", three seconds to dial the phone, thirteen hours to get to Buenos Aires. That's all, but he didn't do it, never had the courage to do it. Perhaps he was never as brave as he thought.
(If I want to touch him, then I would just reach out my hand like I'm touching the sun, reach out for three seconds)
"Iwa-chan" Oikawa, just like his memories of that year, bursted into tears on his shoulder. His hair was shorter, and he was taller too, sturdier, tanned and certainly more handsome than the last time they'd seen each other three years ago. But in his eyes Oikawa would always be just Oikawa, he was Kitagawa Daiichi's Oikawa with the blue uniform, Aoba Johsai's Oikawa with the jade teal flag on his back and the crown on his head, the Oikawa who had always reached out to him.
Don't you know that the kids aren't al, kids aren't alright?
"Iwa-chan, I've been thinking a lot about what you said. About us becoming adults, about how we don't need to stick together all the time. I asked my mom about it and she said you'r enot wrong" Oikawa said. Iwaizumi brushed the wet hair from his cheeks. "But, I still don't want to accept it. I thought about it, and I realized that one day a year isn't enough. So, can't you stay with me for the rest of our life?" He sobbed "You said that you're just another person in my life, but I don't think so, I don't allow, will never allow you to say that. Iwa-chan to me, is the most important person, the bearer of the warmth that is warmer than anyone, the one who holds me tighter than anyone, so you can't say that, you can't ever say that, understood?"
With just those questions, Iwaizumi allowed himself to pull Oikawa closer. This time, he allowed himself to hold him in his arms, the gap he had tried to fill but never dared to. This time, he allowed himself to smile. Suddenly he remembered that last summer solstice of high school when he and Oikawa were sitting next to each other in the gym, and neither of them wanted to go home. They ended up sleeping there too, only to be scolded by their parents the next day. So childish.
"I promise," he said, his voice echoing from the past. "But, I also want you to know that I love you. And that's why I've been avoiding this since forever. So if anything happens, it's your fault" Iwaizumi said nonchalantly, though his face was red, deliberately ignoring the fact that he had just confessed his love so blatantly.
"Fine, Iwa-chan" Oikawa laughed. And then Iwaizumi suddenly felt so relieved, to be able to hold the summer of his life.
(Iwaizumi realized that "I love you" only takes three seconds to say.)
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