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Utapri and the shared burden of dependency

Utapri asks "How do I grow if that growth is directly tied to someone else's?", and I find that fascinating. Is it beneficial or harmful to force yourself to grow? Should you push someone you care about, or shelter them? What does agency look like, with plurality?

Uta no Prince-Sama has a lot to say about identity, thematically relevant you could say since having a persona comes with being an idol (as particularly explored through Tokiya and Hayato)— but it takes that theme beyond, with its many characters who have, so to speak, a double. Stripping the metaphors away gradually until it culminates with Ai, mostly. To a lesser degree, many pairs of brothers are explored, living in the shadow of the other one way or another, the twins Syo and Kaoru, or Yamato and Ryuya, and Eiichi and Eiji, and Seiichiro and Ren. For every character, the road to becoming an idol involves immense growth. For our main pairs here, these doubles are characters who have intrinsically interwoven lives and identities, even sharing a body. I find the way that's explored in the several routes and medias interesting and surprisingly heartfelt, especially all the conflict between the duos, mixed in with all the care they have for each other even in their complicated and often resentful situations.

So I want to talk about the thoughts I had and do an analysis of sorts, with a focus on Natsuki and Satsuki but using Ai and Aine as the equally interesting foil. Their arcs are surprisingly similar, in many ways. Big Aine and Satsuki enjoyer over here!! Since what sparked this thread for me is the Natsuki & Nagi duet episode we'll also open with some parallels between those two, and do an episode deep dive~ Syo is also a guest start that becomes very relevant at some points. At the same time, I'll talk a bit about adaptation, and some differences between Natsuki's route and the anime. This is a big one, BUCKLE UP

Contains extensive and essential spoilers for Natsuki and Ai's Repeat and All Star VN routes respectively, as well as the anime's season 4, and VN mentions for Syo and Otoya. CW & TW for mental health discussion that goes into depression, violence and toxicity mostly, and allusions to suicide. But also SA, because of Satsuki's actions in Repeat. Disclaimer: We'll be discussing and deconstructing DID allusions and metaphors as they are presented in the show, what I will be saying will be about these specific characters and their specific fictional situations. I do not necessarily believe this to be true for systems as a whole and I should never be your sole source on DID or DID in fiction, but I do try to say when I'm speaking more generally and when the characters are the exception rather than the rule. We'll be exploring alters as people with their own character flaws, not all systems can be harmonious all the time and that's human. I also want to make clear that I do not believe I am perfect, or that this is the take on their characters or these medias ever! I love sharing my thoughts because it is that, sharing, and it is through the community sharing their thoughts with me that I am here too. Feel free to engage with my post critically.

I watched season 4 episode 7 Grown Empathy and it singlehandedly made me very interested in Natsuki's character and respect him, making me read his Repeat route afterward. I gotta say though, I felt that the anime had more subtlety and made more of an impact on me. So this post is gonna center around discussing this episode, fluffing it some with plenty of Repeat excerpts as support + show some things I noticed and liked, and then a mini Ai analysis and why his role was so important in said episode, then going into Satsuki and Aine parallels.

The one anime episode

One important thing about the duet episodes in season 4 are that they, in fact, happen in season four- this is late in the series, and the last anime season that came out. The blocks for character development had already been laid out for three seasons prior making them all quite nice brick houses already, so we catch them on the tailend of their character arcs here, we see that last push for them to have their arcs completely finalized in each character's duet episode, by introducing them to a character foil that both reflects them and contrasts with them. The duet episodes are a masterclass in character arcs. I'm a filthy skipper, I'm an otome player before I am an anime watcher, so I want to put you into my POV and jump straight into this episode without thinking about everything else about Natsuki first.

The episode summary goes like this:

Nagi persists to perform their duet project with musical instruments: Natsuki playing the violin while Nagi plays the viola. This causes Natsuki to start recollecting unpleasant memories, prompting "Satsuki" to step in.

Basically, Nagi has less of a filter and confronts Natsuki a lot, asks him to give more decisive answers and be less of a sheep, for lack of a better word. When Nagi asks for him to play the violin when they meet for the duet project, and then asks why not when Natsuki acts uncertain, Satsuki fronts and acts hostile. Nagi acts very pushy, but without knowing Natsuki's secrets, it makes a lot of sense— It comes from a want to have clear communication and a decisive coworker, as well as to not be pushed around with wishy washy-ness.

Nagi, the prodigy child idol. Natsuki was a child prodigy once too- it's what made him so anxious and defensive about his violin skills. They're character foils because where the fame and praise and trauma of being a child prodigy in the spotlight made Natsuki agreeable and seek to avoid conflict, Nagi is the reverse. He's serious and strict, and above all he's confrontational. Where Natsuki became even more avoidant after having been taken advantage of by people in the industry, maybe we can assume that Nagi may have become more confrontational to make up for people disregarding him because of his age, to be heard. What we're seeing clash in this episode is a nonconfrontational people pleaser man who goes along to others' wishes for general peacekeeping, and a confrontational boy who expects anyone he works with to have strength behind their choices. Let's remember that his boss is Raging- this is a cutthroat industry, and while Nagi lacks tact and delicacy, I want people to keep in mind this context both that this is a professional meeting and that Nagi's words really aren't mean yet, only direct.

Natsuki and Nagi are both bad at boundaries, it's just that while Nagi is bad at them in a critical more negative intrusive way, prods and pokes at sensitive spots, Natsuki is bad at them in a more upbeat and unaware way, is oblivious to them and doesn't listen to discomfort cues. Nagi gets the "stop hugging me and hanging onto me!!" experience with Shion being clingy to him, if you'll recall. Nagi having to be so direct makes sense, especially when you know as a viewer how Natsuki regularly disregards Syo's boundaries. Natsuki needs very direct communication when there's an issue, often even to be shaken a little unfortunately. Nagi and Syo actually do have some parallels, as we'll see later~

But yes so- Making Natsuki think about why he's blocking out some memories and feelings brings out conflict within Natsuki, and Satsuki immediately comes out to take over the situation.

After the first meeting that ends with Satsuki walking out, Satsuki says this, and we have our first hint that Natsuki and Satsuki's wishes differ. We also see how bothered Natsuki is that he doesn't remember why he quit the violin- at the holes in his memory. He alludes to his loss of memories again with Syo— It seems he's thinking very hard about it, about why he can't play the violin, why he feels the way he does and what to do about the duet.

I could yap so much about this specific scene- This scene, this bit, is what first caught my interest with Natsuki. He's not dense, and he's not as in denial as we first think- Now that it's been brought to his attention, he can't help but feel that something is escaping him. The mood is so… Introspective and quietly sad, it's surprisingly gentle for all the inner turmoil he was probably going through- how serious we rarely see Natsuki be. How he looked at his diary saying "Since everyone is working so hard, I'll do my best too!", and then he stares into the wall— And how when someone enters and says hey, his face completely changes into a smile to make pleasant conversation with him and underplay all his current worries. Others to Natsuki are escapism!! Smiling at others, having others smile at him distracts him from his problems! As he regularly expresses, others being sad is more upsetting to him than being sad himself. This moment is especially meaningful with what Natsuki says later this episode:

By spending so much time alone in silence, thinking, he's confronting himself and growing. He gets not one thinking scene, but TWO!! BACK TO BACK!! It's implied he spent all evening thinking!!!! This is serious to him.

"Thinking?"

He says this here after he gives Haruka his coat, after she asks won't you be cold. And Haruka tells Satsuki that he's the same later: both Natsuki and Satsuki are very self-sacrificial people. Satsuki devoted himself fully to protecting Natsuki, and Natsuki prefers caring for others than spend time within himself, so to speak. He likes being around others, noticing their needs, being the one to raise moods, focusing on bright happy things. When I say that Natsuki is a people pleaser, it's because like how he says here, others being happy makes him happy, others being happy is more important than him being happy, and maybe that's why Natsuki was fine to go along with just about anything Nagi wanted for the duet- which is what ticked off Nagi first. This self-sacrifical attitude they share is also reflected in how when Natsuki and Satsuki have a talk later this episode, the first thing Natsuki does is thanking Satsuki and apologizing to him, "I put all my pain on you", which Satsuki disagrees with, despite it not being entirely untrue.

BUT we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves!! So after the first meeting failed, Nagi did research into Natsuki, his history, so he'd be prepared to talk with Natsuki better. For him, it's a bit like a plot to unmask, as if Natsuki is trying to play Nagi for a fool. So he plays the viola to make Natsuki think of how good the song would be, maybe even almost as a sort of challenge- and then he asks again, hoping to get an answer, why not? Why not play the violin? And since he did his research, he knows what points to bring up to get answers. He asks about a concert and Natsuki again has no clue, and Satsuki gets triggered into fronting and this time it gets violent. Nagi taunts him, and it can be argued whether the table-shattering punch Satsuki gives was really intended for him or missed on purpose [This is something that can mostly only be argued in the anime- as he never lands a hit and usually mostly tries to evade, walk out or run away]. Either way, Nagi seems in control and almost jubilant, feeling like all the cards are finally on the table- but Satsuki walks out again. This time again he chooses to remove himself from the situation, nonconfrontation, after threatening Nagi so he would keep it a secret. Nagi seems genuinely surprised, and even worried, at how things end.

It's notable that Satsuki started fronting before his glasses fell from his face. When Starish puts glasses onto Satsuki after this, Natsuki doesn't front, we'll get back to that later. Satsuki also says that "he won't stand by and let Natsuki get hurt anymore", implying that he's holding onto fronting more here as opposed to before.

AND THIS!! THIS SCENE!!!! Made me lock in. Essentially, Satsuki puts his foot down and declares Natsuki won't be continuing the duet project on his watch, and Starish tells him to put more faith into Natsuki's strength.

Satsuki doesn't confront issues, not really- his plan is always to survive situations until he can get out of them, get out of them as fast as possible, and avoid them from every happening again or have conflict by isolating himself and Natsuki- nonconfrontation, despite the fangs. But that's what Nagi hates. Face these choices you have to make. You have to claim agency, or your music will lack something.

Satsuki's goal is to avoid conflict, it's why he closes himself off, why he wants Natsuki to do the same, why he monitors Natsuki and allows or disallows him to do certain things or keep certain company. It's why he walks out of upsetting situations, and it's why he tries to get Natsuki to stop the duet song or stop meeting with Haruka in the VN, because of the potential of hurt, because of his aversion to conflict or any possibilty of triggers. It runs against Natsuki— who wants to be open and friendly, who wants to befriend and get closer to people he likes, who wants to get stronger, who wants to challenge himself.

Speeding through the rest a bit, we cut to a scene of Natsuki giving his all on stage, and then him talking to Haruka in the vibe of a meeting, telling her he wants to play the violin for the duet, and how he wants to, essentially, face his issues more- and we see Satsuki shocked by this. Natsuki has proved Starish in the scene prior right, and Satsuki now has to reckon with that.

It's notable that both Haruka and Nagi tell him not to push himself too hard, either! It's not only Satsuki looking out for him. This is truly of Natsuki's own will, and we saw the whole process of him thinking through this, earlier, we know how serious he is about this, it's not a thoughtless whim.

We cut to Nagi getting told by Eiji to be more considerate, and we get more insight into how Nagi wasn't ill-intended. I want to remind here again that Nagi is a child star, still only around 15 years old in this episode— This is the environment he grew up in. Rather than being spoiled, I'd say it's more accurate that Nagi asks nothing short of excellence from his projects, from himself included- and when he saw a problem with his coworker, that he couldn't play an instrument he was incredibly good at for his performance for an unknown reason, he came at it from a business perspective rather than an interpersonal one. How much has the industry asked of him? We know Raging's bar is very high and unforgiving. The betrayal Natsuki faced is something that Nagi should have become wary of as well: in this industry distrust is safety, the same thing that makes Satsuki so intense (distrust) is what makes Nagi look deeper into Natsuki's words and choices. Nagi is unpleasant, but he's earnest and faces issues head-on, nothing he does is deceitful, he just thought he had to twist Natsuki's hand by unburying some history to have an open conversation- something that Eiji reminds him was clumsy at best.

Then, we see Satsuki at night finding Haruka to tell her he'll allow Natsuki to continue the duet project.

And so then at the next meeting Natsuki declares wanting to play the violin to Nagi, but Nagi turns it down, sensing he was "half-hearted". Keeping Natsuki's feelings in mind more yes, and putting his own on the table as well, saying that the project is important to him so he wants to do it right. He wanted to sing and play with someone fully set on giving the best performance- he wants Natsuki to sort himself out first, wants both sides of his coworker to want to work with him on this. Personally, I think this was great growth from Natsuki and Satsuki already, but Nagi is nothing if not a perfectionist I suppose.

And then it's Satsuki's turn to think and confront himself. We see one first scene where Ai interrupts Satsuki's moment, sensing he wasn't Natsuki, and when asked how, he says this.

Then Ai tells Satsuki to take care of Natsuki's feelings- Something that Satsuki reflects on in the next scene: What are Natsuki's feelings? Has he been respecting them?

He also tells us what happened with the violin and concert- His violin instructor he felt very close to stole Natsuki's original song composition and took credit for it, and the betrayal shattered Natsuki. Satsuki recognizes that Natsuki's grown past what he wanted to admit, and he ends the scene recognizing how much support Natsuki has around him- support besides just him, just Satsuki.

The thing about dissociative identity disorder is that it is yes dissociative- It categorizes and isolates memories, puts it behind walls for an alter to keep safe. The burden of trauma becomes shared- and this is why system is a fitting word, because alters tend to have a role, they're meant to support one another and make surviving and thriving easier. It's a very existential disorder to have by design, once you learn of it there is a lot about yourself to think about and reevaluate, and even moreso ask yourself- how do we go from here? The answer is different for every system. But we can understand how… Important this is. And how terrifying rethinking it all must be for Satsuki. Of course, plenty of alters don't make protecting each other (or in this case the host) the whole purpose and meaning of their life, but Satsuki has very much gotten it stuck in his head that that's the only thing he exists for- the only thing he should do or think about. I felt a lot for Satsuki this episode because Satsuki, who in his own words "knows what Satsuki needs the best" gets told and shown that no, he didn't understand Natsuki- and that's like world-shattering I need you to understand, for Satsuki that's saying that he's been going about his life's goal the wrong way and that he's been wrong about one of the most fundamental things of his world view, INCREDIBLY upsetting and humbling. He becomes lost. How do we go from here? Natsuki's being confronted by his trauma and they both have to reckon with things changing. This is something that Utapri wants us to sympathize with, that ultimately Satsuki was misguided but he's a very hurt and lonely person who did his best, and who was never allowed to be loved himself, always the guard dog that only came out for the unpleasant things and never to experience the nice pleasant sides of the world.

Case in point, after reflecting, the next scene is Satsuki and Natsuki meeting in a nice sort of headspace dimension at the beach… Put a pin in that, beaches are important to Natsuki and Satsuki- and Ai and Aine for that matter. They talk, and Natsuki speaks with clarity as if he knows everything, a stark contrast to Natsuki having no knowlege of Satsuki and his trauma prior. This is where he apologized for pushing his pain onto Satsuki, and this is where Natsuki says what's in the screenshot that opens this post: While you [Satsuki] were taking care of things, I was asleep somewhere warm, free of worries.

The transition of Satsuki talking with Haruka to Satsuki talking with Natsuki happens almost seamlessly, but since the next scene is Natsuki waking up (taking some time before putting his glasses on, calmly), we can assume that the Natsuki-Satsuki conversation happened during his sleep.

He says this below, and then Natsuki perform their duet song Grown Empathy together, and then roll credits… Ah yes, and one last shot of his journal that I'll show much later.

CINEMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STANDING OVATION!!! 👏👏👏👏

Digging into it

People tend to be very harsh on Nagi because of what happens in this episode and… I think that's missing the point. How insensitive of him! Asking him if he wants to play the violin? Doesn't he know all these things about his condition and life that Natsuki keeps a secret?! Natsuki 10 minutes later: "You're right, I'll do it, I'll play the violin with you :)"

Because while the episode definitely says that Nagi went about it in a very clumsy way, the episode is about how it's good that Natsuki received a push, that because of Nagi he grew, and that that growth is something that was good for Natsuki and that Natsuki wanted.

The whole episode's lesson is that Satsuki needed to learn to let Natsuki be more independent, to shelter him less, because he was tougher than he thought, or rather tougher than he clung onto. Satsuki is asked to grow in this episode as well, but the matter of whether or not to confront conflict on his own was Natsuki's choice to make, and one he took instead of having Satsuki restrict his choices for him. Natsuki did not mind playing the violin after thinking through it for some time. The song they sing is called Grown Empathy and that's after we see Nagi get told "be nice with the guy you're trying to befriend!! :)" and them working together and!! I think it's clear that we're meant to be forgiving and try to understand Nagi, especially since he tried to do it for Natsuki— Let's try to mutually understand each other, that's what Grown Empathy means, that's what happened between Nagi and Natsuki, and between Natsuki and Satsuki, and Haruka and both of them, even between Starish and Satsuki.

We'll be going deeper into it later, but both Natsuki and Ai's plotlines center a lot around the idea of not shying away from relationships even if they can hurt you, that they're still worth the risk of opening your heart to people and love, and that extends to Natsuki and Nagi too I think. Natsuki and Nagi both trying to harmoniously work together takes courage and strength, even Nagi had to be vulnerable doing something he's not used to- treating someone more with the attitude of a friend than a business partner, interpersonally rather than professional, feelings-led problem solving & communication rather than business oriented logic-led. That can be another parallel too, the way Nagi doesn't have friends and is bad at opening up. Nagi was clumsy in expressing & showing that he wanted to get along with Natsuki, and Satsuki was clumsy in expressing & showing that he just wants what's best for Natsuki. Natsuki had to want to get stronger, but Satsuki had to let go, too. The strength to face the world and being ready to love even if it means discomfort sometimes. This isn't strength that you nurture with your fists, but with your heart. As corny as that sounds, it's true!!

And even now the sunlit introspection scene is still my favorite, when he stared into the wall. It's just so… Real to me. Because Natsuki during the meeting just sat there and went "huh? Um that's…" and we see how being at a loss for answers really rattled him. He hates being helpless. And Satsuki jumped in at the first sign of the mildest argument like Natsuki is as fragile as wet toilet paper, exactly like in his words, "fragile delicate Natsuki". Honestly I'd be sitting in a room lit by the sunset while sad blues plays wondering why I have no control over my life too. Lowkey it must feel isolating to be so coddled to the point you don't remember things that you feel you should and people expect less of you even when you're trying your best not to be. Will he ever have agency? To what degree is he complicit in the sheltering he's being stifled by? My mind gets racing with such questions in this scene.

The feeling that an alter is sheltering you? That they're maybe holding back your personal growth, and that you have to come to a solution together? Incredible. It's an interesting scenario to ponder whether at face value or on a metaphorical level, Satsuki is an alter but he can also represent a family member, a friend, or a part of yourself that you need to soothe. A popular headcanon for Eiichi and Eiji is that faced with their father Raging's abuse, Eiichi as the older brother protected his younger brother so Eiji could remain more innocent and happier, and I could see similarities with Satsuki and Natsuki's dynamic then, although the more interesting part here is the overprotectiveness having grown counterproductive, in this case maybe more similar to Syo and Kaoru's dynamic, where Kaoru wants to shelter Syo because of his illness to the point of taking away from Syo a lot of things that give his life meaning to him. Personally, I can relate to having been made the caretaker of my brother, so I admit that I understand the mix of resentment and overprotectiveness Satsuki has with Natsuki...

But this, this specific dynamic Natsuki and Satsuki have, is a very fresh dynamic that I've… Rarely seen like this; it feels surprisingly earnest. Like okay, full disclosure, my favorite love interest in Destiny Ninja 2 that I was into at the tender age of 12 was Shiroya, the protector-persecutor alter being obsessed with protecting the host is a trope you can find here and there for sure— But this is the difference between Natsuki's VN route and the anime episode to me. In the anime, Natsuki's conflict largely remains internal and we get glimpses of it. In the VN same as in Destiny Ninja 2, the growth of the character comes from their lover being a support for him— something I'll talk about more later. But in the duet episode, it's all Natsuki. It's all Natsuki making steps from his own will after Nagi prompts him to think more about it. It's not a prop for romance, Natsuki's growth is given importance and interest on its own merit. It feels… Like it gives more agency to Natsuki and Satsuki, to me— This is something between them, Satsuki was making a lot of choices for the both of them himself, onesidedly, but Natsuki decides to go inward and confront these things that had been easy to ignore before. Why does he forget about events? Why can't he play the violin again? Why do his emotions lead him by the leash? This isn't made to be about Haruka and I love that, even when the anime does point out how important it is to have a supportive circle with Starish.

And then… It's tempting to assume they merged/fused, after all Haruka tells them they're the same Shinomiya-san to her and all just before, but… While they definitely merged in his route, here it almost feels like it's less that they merged, and more that just… Natsuki realized he has DID, and now as he said Satsuki'll "fall asleep" and take a rest for a while. Integration. And it's true, realizing you have DID is a very tumultuous thing, but it's also healing, it kickstarts a new journey of growth to work with your alters and realize new things about yourself. Merging often feels like it's considered the "natural conclusion" to the arc of a character with DID, the alter is "in the way", which is of course harmful and reductive, and rather unrealistic. "We'll be together forever" is a common line to signal merging in media, but integrating rather than merging is still in line with how they spoke to each other, imo. Natsuki's arc was reclaiming agency of himself by confronting his trauma and learning to know himself better, not by "growing past" or "beating" his DID. Satsuki is a misguided ally that Natsuki had never spoken to, not an enemy or obstacle.

And Natsuki drops hints that he very much remembers Satsuki at the end of the episode- it wasn't just a moment of clarity in sleep that he forgot like a dream. Why Natsuki's "I'm me" is such a mic drop moment is in good part because he's quoting Ai when he spoke to Satsuki, which implies that now he (faintly or otherwise) holds memories that were Satsuki's, the memories are now shared. He may still be in a hazy inbetween but slowly he is claiming full responsibility for his own pain and is proud of it, wants to take on that challenge and whatever it brings, and wants to ease Satsuki's pain too— He wants to be the strong one for a change. Having this last piece he needed given by AI— who had to learn much of the same lesson in his own route no less: to live and forge your own identity is to accept you will feel pain but that that is life and it is worth it. Crazy. Shakespeare…?

And then he namedrops Satsuki as Sacchan to further show he remembers him— But just how much does he remember? Did he remember all his trauma, will it come to him slowly, or maybe it's still a memory locked within Satsuki that he may or may not ever get? The ambiguity adds to it, I think, I love it. On my first watch I'd assumed Satsuki had merged and left more memory holes than not, and I found it crazy to imagine the aftermath of it where Natsuki doesn't remember a lot of stuff but Satsuki is just gone and this is his life now, and he feels so alone and meek but he is growing, he is growing………. Which is more than he was allowed to do for a long time, for what he's been hungering without knowing. For conflict and growth. The mood is bittersweet, to put it mildly.

It's heartwrenching!! It's a deeply human plotline! We've all had to struggle with facets of this, one way or another. We've been a Natsuki and we've been a Satsuki. Inside of you there are two wolves!! And you have to try to befriend both, try to inspire both to be healthier and happier.

And hold on hold on this is where the post truly becomes a clusterfuck, because I'll start referencing his Repeat route. I'll be quoting instead of using screenshots for mercy on the 30 images in one tumblr post limit, but I'm using the script translation by Shiningwonderland. And this is my general warning as well that we'll be getting into more potentially upsetting territory- But I try to warn for the more intense topics.

To start off, it's not only a theory but explicitly stated in his route that the trigger for Satsuki fronting isn't the anime logic of losing his glasses- it's losing his glasses and seeing blurry- It's fear, a sense of danger and being unsafe. That's the trigger, and doesn't it make so much sense?

Satsuki Shinomiya: "I appear when he is mentally burdened. I protect him from harm. The reason why I appear whenever he removes his glasses is because his heart becomes unstable from his blurry vision. He’s so sensitive that he’ll switch even from something like that."

So again, I want you to remember that when Satsuki doesn't front even when Natsuki takes off his glasses in the anime or in his route, it's not just because he decided so or because he found inner peace, it directly symbolizes that Natsuki is ready to face his fears. NATSUKI IS READY TO TACKLE A BLURRY WORLD!!! A world that isn't clear cut, black and white, where even good things like relationships may hurt, where even hurt is worth it and may even be valuable. Natsuki is ready to tackle a blurry world, afraid or unafraid, either way it has to be. Like Utapri is insanely good no???!!! Like hello????

In this way his glasses become a symbol of his clinging onto cushiness. This "clinging" is more implied in the anime, in Natsuki's "sorry I pushed all my pain onto you, I slept in here all comfy in the meantime", whereas it's very much more highlighted in the VN, with Natsuki admitting he was aware while Satsuki was fronting and saw everything he did that was wrong on his behalf but was too afraid to step in, and Satsuki's demeaning of Natsuki that doesn't go contested for quite a while because it only stops being true (later than) halfway in.

I like how complex Satsuki is, but he does feel in line with a couple DID alter roles, notably the protector and persecutor. The two being similar is more common than you think, the persecutor is even often considered a subtype of protector, because the label is more about effect than goal (but everything about DID tends to be very debated especially categorization, this discussion might be interesting to give a look to if interested. Again, doing your individual research is encouraged). But it makes sense, hear this— it's a very common attitude, it's not unique to DID alters at all, it goes like this: trauma happens -> seeing everything as a threat -> self-sabotaging because it's hard to open up again + stagnation and comfort feel safer than growth and hardship to get to a truly better place + if you're alone at least you can't be hurt + by focusing on his one only goal ever (protecting Natsuki) Satsuki gets a very black and white of "I am accomplishing my goal. This is good" vs "I am not accomplishing my goal. This is bad" that strips the complexity of things, strips away the anxiety of "is this good or bad" into certitudes, so you can have artificial stability & satisfaction and ignore the rest— feel safer. Which especially when you're in an awful unstable place it's a survival coping mechanism that works, right, but it becomes a hindrance when gaining better living conditions. So even though it's by harming the system and people around him and by talking down on Natsuki authoritatively, Natsuki's goal is protection.

SO AGAIN!! NATSUKI BEING READY TO TACKLE A BLURRY WORLD WITH NO BLACK AND WHITE!!! BEING READY TO LEARN ABOUT THE WORLD ANEW!!! It's such a huge thing man I love his arc. Satsuki is an alter who wants to protect the system and who does so in harmful ways because he's misguided about what safety is or how to achieve it. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. IRL too, the best way to deal with a persecutor alter is through communication, both you yourself as a system and others interacting with said alter.

What cuteness means to Natsuki & the importance of Syo

But okay okay don't take my word for it, about Natsuki wanting to grow stronger and more determined, let's get into the route. Natsuki's desire to become stronger was my favorite thing about him in the anime, and it only makes sense that it's my favorite thing about VN Natsuki too— But the VN makes Natsuki much more flawed, I think, and the ways that his desire shows are pretty different. My favorite thing about Natsuki's route in the VN is the importance of Syo. Hear me out-

So right away, during the classic Repeat parkour course that Shining makes his students do very early on, we get a lot of confirmation about Natsuki's fixation on strength. He has a strong desire to protect others (Like Satsuki in a way!) and he tends to sacrifice himself so Haruka doesn't risk suffering herself, early on.

"No matter what hardships we face I will always rescue you." / "What really hurts me is… I’ve made you worry about me. If only I was stronger… I wouldn’t make you worry about this so much. I can surely overcome any pain and hardship if it means sharing a dream with you…" / "I can’t do that. I can’t afford to run away… when you’re being held hostage." / "Because I’m weak, perhaps I may not be your knight. Please, let me pretend to be strong for you."

And when he gets hurt, gets shocked by anime-level dangerous electric eels, the route mentions how he has incredible pain tolerance and willpower. Like he says in the anime, even when he's the one hurting, others' pain is sadder to him, even if it's sadness on his behalf: "I’m all right. It was just a little shock… Nanami-san, don’t look at me like that."

Natsuki neglecting himself like that is why he needed someone who cared after him like Satsuki. Since Natsuki only focused on others, and no one focused on his own needs, Satsuki came to be to be the one to do so. It's ironic that Satsuki would be similarly self-sacrificial then for Natsuki's sake. A self-sacrifical ouroboros. Others <- Natsuki <- Satsuki <- no one...? It's unabalanced, it's no wonder that Satsuki was in such crisis all the time. Satsuki's central belief is that the world is too mean, cruel and dangerous for someone as nice and sensitive as Natsuki. It's why Satsuki acts the part of the villain "so Natsuki can remain safe".

But the point is, Natsuki admires and envies strength.

You know who is strong to Natsuki? Syo. You know who is weak to Natsuki, and Satsuki? Natsuki.

Natsuki Shinomiya: "But… Syo-chan’s so cute when he’s angry. He’s cute because even though he’s so small, he’s always giving it his best!"

It's subtle, but what Natsuki's saying here is that he admires Syo's strength of character. He admires that even though Syo is so small, even though he has all the reasons and excuses to be weak or fragile including terminal illness, instead he's brave, he's earnest, he's confrontational and gives his best to everything.

And who is that in contrast of? Natsuki. Natsuki wants to be and do all those things, but he doesn't have the courage to, yet. He wants to avoid and flee conflict instead, as we'll see.

"He’s cute because even though he’s so small, he’s always giving it his best!" To a degree, being cute to Natsuki is an affirmation to the exact thing that Satsuki can't believe: that you can both be cute and exist, that you can be cute and thrive, that you can be happy and whimsical and not get beaten down for it, that nice things can bloom and live even in a harsh reality, that you can be strong while still having weakness, that he doesn't have to become cold and closed off. Cute things are comforting and inspiring, they lift his mood, they inspire him to do his best.

LIKE???? ISN'T UTAPRI SO BANGER???? I feel like a tinfoil hatter but am I wrong? Utapri is so good aurgh don't mind me I'm having an angst attack. Being cute is inspiring to Natsuki because to him something being cute means that you can give your best even when you have things stacked against you, you can be small and still be strong- you can be trusting and not have that taken advantage of.

And okay, that isn't much to go from on its own about him and Syo, but then it loops back around to this scene below is what makes me ILL. ILL!!!!!! They brought this back in the most evil way. I'm not even sure how to build up to it, because of how huge that scene is… Satsuki interlude it is.

So, in the VN. Natsuki and Haruka get closer as you would in a shojo romance, but I'd say around the halfway point in his route which is pretty early, Natsuki confesses to Haruka. She hesitates but since idols dating is forbidden she pushes him away, literally physically, and with that gesture, from then on Satsuki starts fronting all the time.

Haruka cares a lot about Natsuki, and is worried about Satsuki as well, so despite everyone treating Satsuki like the devil, all scared of him, she repeatedly seeks him out and inquires about the both of them, making Satsuki gradually (after a lot of persistance) open up to her too. But where it gets dicey is that Satsuki is dangerous, Satsuki does hurt people. We'll go into it more later, but everyone is scared of Satsuki, and it feels over the top but it's justified at least in part, because Satsuki does get violent. Satsuki threatens assault on Haruka several times, including being wildly inappropriate with Haruka right after she just rejected Natsuki without her consent.

In this scene below, Haruka brings Satsuki somewhere where they can talk despite everyone telling her not to, and she tries talking but Satsuki pushes her to the ground and pins her down, as usual, and it's not quite.... gotten truly violent yet? But of course, there's an underlying threat all the way through, that he may or may not act upon but still threatens- and Syo comes barging in, kicking Satsuki off of her. Then this happens.

This scene is triggering for many people, and it was very intense for me as well. It's the final fight of the route so to speak, the apex of tension and conflict in Natsuki's route. And I want you to compare these two last moments I showed, these last quotes. Understand the earth shattering angst, the irony-

Natsuki admires Syo for being strong, something he laments that he wishes he could be to protect Haruka. "Even though he's so small, he's always giving it his best!" Even when the odds are stacked against him, he fights and he gives it his best. Even in front of Satsuki, terrifying Satsuki who can go toe to toe with Saotome in a fistfight, call thunderstorms and punches holes in the walls, Syo stands against him to protect Haruka from Natsuki, despite being so scared he's shaking.

WHILE PROTECTING HARUKA, THE VERY THING NATSUKI SAID HE ADMIRED SYO FOR IS SHOWN AGAIN. THE STRENGHT NATSUKI EXPLICITLY ADMIRED ALOUD IN SYO IS SOMETHING THAT NOW HAS TO BE USED TO DEFEND AGAINST SATSUKI. THE TRAGEDY. This is so significant- because as we'll show later running away is what Natsuki does, it's what he laments about himself, why Satsuki keeps calling him fragile and weak; Natsuki tends to run at conflict. He lets Satsuki deal with that instead, and to a degree he does so consciously as he admits later. But even when it's a losing battle, Syo doesn't run.

Syo Kurusu: It’s okay… I just want to say… do your best… Syo-kun faints. Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun, Syo-kun! Satsuki Shinomiya: He fainted after just one punch? What a weak guy…

That Satsuki spits on this strength of Syo's only drives home even more painfully how Satsuki doesn't understand what Natsuki values, just how much they are on different wavelengths, just how little care he has for how much strength is needed to even just stand in front of him without flinching, the way Haruka does as well.

You know who doesn't blame people and instead reacts with endless care and strength of character when someone triggers him? Syo. Syo got better at anger management in his own arc oer the series as well, he decided to grow and then he did. Yet another parallel and inspiration.

Falling to my knees realizing that by the logic of what Natsuki said about cuteness and still standing strong it also applies to Nagi. Might have been part of what inspired him to face his fears and play the violin, even... because of course, Nagi is the cutest in the world- and even smaller than Syo. Syo and Nagi are alike in many ways when you think of it, their very direct confrontational, rude blunt way to go about conflict.

Continuing some of my Natsuki-Syo thoughts because they're honestly a fascinating pair: My favorite thing about their dynamic thing is the insane mutual admiration-resentment. In Repeat at least, Syo resents Natsuki because Natsuki kept winning in competitions, and even when Natsuki suddenly stopped going to them Syo took it as a slight, wanted to be seen as a rival as much as he saw Natsuki as one. Meanwhile Natsuki wishes he could be as strong as Syo and ?? I guess it comes out as pushing his boundaries ceaselessly maybe because he wants to be friends and is scared of his rejection, and with Satsuki it comes out as aggression- Satsuki also crosses Syo's boundaries, with more menacing intent, nipping his ear and implying things threateningly against his consent (yeah you read that right), to the point that Syo is terrified of Satsuki. So it's this mutual insane admiration AND bitter envy scenario, with anger and fear mixed into it. Satsuki might also get extra aggressive with Syo because of Natsuki's admiration on some level- because if he beats down Syo, he 'proves' that no, willpower doesn't make you strong if you're weak- that way Natsuki stays reliant on him. There's something to be said about how Syo's treatment of Natsuki and Satsuki might be affected by that resentment he started out with, too. No one takes complaints against big cuddly bear Natsuki seriously, but Satsuki? He can treat Satsuki like satan and he does, Natsuki can be good and Satsuki can be bad in turn, Natsuki is hard to passionately resent, so fully demonizes "the other Natsuki" in turn, may be part of it on a more subconscious level.

So you know how Natsuki is always all cheery and hugging people, and he kinda uses friends and nice things to not have to think about bad things… He says it's upsetting for him to see people sad, conflict is triggering to him so he either avoids it or pretends he doesn't see it. Well, it's mentioned in his route that he hugs Haruka because he doesn't want her to be sad. And isn't Syo so often in a bad mood? We could link that to him hugging Syo the most, no? On top of his admiration for him, maybe Natsuki wants to lighten Syo's mood, and does what works for himself because he has trouble putting himself in the foot of others, besides wanting to ease others' loneliness. He might consciously or not be pulling a "It's against your will but I'm being so clingy to distract you from what's upsetting you".

Satsuki Shinomiya: That's why he doesn't want you to get hurt like him... He tries too hard to prove how much he loves someone. Satsuki Shinomiya: He knows more than anyone else how difficult it is to have someone believe you... Natsuki-kun... Is the reason why he's so kind and always hugs me because he doesn't want me to be sad...?

Natsuki likes cute things and Syo is confident in his masculinity despite often being gnc and happy in that, and both want to be strong... Natsuki wants to be as strong as Syo, Syo wants to be as good at the violin as Natsuki. Syo hates Satsuki, and resents Natsuki. The competition, the identity issues both ways... It's some wild dynamic to think about, but that's enough for the Syo interlude.

Digging into it cont., route ver

And so about strength and tackling a blurry world... Let's go some more into the trigger for Satsuki fronting and how that's shown through his route, and how his glasses are used as a symbol. A symbol for security, and thus also a symbol for sheltering, and growth when taken off.

That Satsuki starts fronting whenever Natsuki's glasses come off imo is a very good metaphor for how Satsuki fronts when things get rough, how he has a disadvantage and only sees a blurry world warped by his own flawed perception. Satsuki sees threats everywhere, because he only fronts when there are threats. He thinks the whole world is danger, because he's been trained to only respond to danger. He's dealt a terrible hand. He has a thankless role, both literally and figuratvely, where he gets to deal with all the bad stuff. The trigger isn't glasses or no glasses, but fear. Beyond Satsuki stating it, it's also confirmed by how Satsuki starts fronting even while wearing glasses sometimes, or how in the anime episode him being put back on his face doesn't make Natsuki front again. Sometimes the timing is subtle as well, the glasses only falling shortly after Satsuki starts fronting. In the VN, the second instance of Satsuki appearing is while they're playing water polo, and the game mentions how Satsuki was struggling to see in front of him.

And the first time Satsuki fronts, Natsuki was engaged in a literal fight to the death, with our darling academy principal Shining Saotome of course.

You'll notice, a lot of parallels can be drawn with this scene and the scene where Syo protects Haruka. It's interesting because this scene happens very very early into the route: Natsuki talks about wanting to be strong and shows his willpower here, but he can't fully stand on his own yet, shortly after this screenshot Satsuki steps in and makes the fight a draw.

Considering that the trigger is fear, it makes sense then, that it's possible for Natsuki himself to take off his glasses without Satsuki fronting. That it happens rather early in the route is impressive then again. By taking his glasses off while confessing to Haruka and remaining as Natsuki, he's being that strong person he wishes to be, who grew into himself confidently, not needing safety measures as much as Satsuki insisted. He's showing newfound courage and determination.

But by rejecting him, or rather because of the violence of the rejection, pushing him away, his glasses falling from his hands and breaking due to it, his symbol of safety, Natsuki is punished for that and thrusted further into his defense mechanism Satsuki than he'd been in a long time and goes dormant.

IT IS NOT HARUKA'S FAULT!! HIS MENTAL WELLBEING SHOULD NOT BE ON HER SHOULDERS! But trauma brain reacts intensely to rejection, and Natsuki takes that as his cue to peace out and never try anything ever again.

Prior to the confession in another chapter, Saotome essentially diagnoses Natsuki with having "someone else in him", if I recall right there was no name of 'gemini syndrome' used in Repeat, instead Natsuki calls it a split personality, though that may be a translation choice. For some reason, the rest of the characters really want Natsuki to not know about Satsuki's existence, seeming fearful of what could happen if he did. Certainly, learning that you have DID is a huge thing that often brings about tumultuous changes, but it very much doesn't feel like it's done for Natsuki's sake. Natsuki himself though ligers on the idea and voices that he'd like to look into it, even though the "diagnoses" Saotome gave everyone else were bogus. Like in the anime episode, Natsuki wants to know this about himself.

Because of this, he's brainstorming ways that could trigger this potential other personality in him to come out and thinks of removing his glasses. Haruka and Syo respond with panic, trying to say no no it couldn't possibly be that, at first, but since Natsuki is unconvinced it takes Syo literally threatening that he'd cut all ties with Natsuki if he took his glasses off for Natsuki to relent. Then they impersonate Saotome to tell Natsuki that the diagnosis was wrong.

NATSUKI WAS READY TO TAKE OFF HIS GLASSES… He's been ready to grow and become stronger for a while here, it's everything around him trying to shelter him, not unlike in the anime. Like in the episode, it bothers Natsuki that there may be things he doesn't know about himself. But at the same time, he was relieved when the impostor-Saotome said he didn't have DID after all. That this was the point where Natsuki stopped trying to get his glasses off makes me think there's still some trepidation, some fear enough that maybe he prefers ignoring, if people push him into an ignorance is bliss mentality.

On paper, this shift from parkour challenge Natsuki being bold and reliable to post-confession Natsuki running away from everything and shutting himself out through Satsuki seems weird and wishy washy, but I think what this might want to show is that from the get-go, Natsuki never lacked in strength, he always had that potential in him, but rather that he believes in himself too little- it shows a lack of willpower and trust in himself, rather than a lack of strength. He loses sight of that strength he values so highly, thinks himself incapable of it, so he gives up and retreats into himself. He needed Haruka to believe in him as his lover for him to find the courage to keep being strong- he needs people to believe in him. And so, the rest of the route is about inspiring Satsuki to trust things more, including in the strength of Natsuki, like in the anime episode. Natsuki needs Satsuki to believe in him.

Trusting Natsuki comes up a lot in his route. Trusting him to be strong, trusting that Satsuki isn't irredeemable like everyone says, trusting that Satsuki does have Natsuki's sake at heart, trusting that Natsuki will come back even if after the confession he stops fronting for months, trusting that he won't stand you up to the school dance and waiting until Haruka makes herself sick from the cold.

It's a plot point that Satsuki is constantly, automatically demonized to an intense degree. Even just after Satsuki's first appearance after the fight with Saotome, in which he didn't do anything wrong except have massive aura lol. So it's a very isolating situation, to get seen as a danger by everyone straight away, but...

Haruka Nanami: Yes… I’ve talked with him several times now, so I think he’ll understand if I try to be serious with him. Tomochika Shibuya: Are you actually going to try to talk to him one on one? Haruka Nanami: …? Yes, and? Tomochika Shibuya: No, no, no! What’re you going to do if he attacks you?!

It's a difficult position, because it's true Satsuki has shown a more than enough amount of red flags that you SHOULD be worried over even early on, especially if your friend is Haruka and showing little self-preservation and is a bit of a pushover. But also it is true that they've talked many times without it going… horribly…? Well. Sort of. But it is very true that he's getting demonized a ton. Everyone in the cast except for Haruka is categorically terrified of him. They tell her that he's likely to kill her, and even that he'd raze the academy to the ground. And this because…? Of the water polo? He did leave a dent in the wall from his throw of the ball, and he does act very hostile and threatens to kill people all the time including very publicly in the water polo, but their other interactions were private. Although, they would indeed see Haruka being upset and depressed after interacting with him.

Their fear and apprehension feels taken for granted by the writers. None of them know Satsuki, and he's judged very harshly and othered from the start. It's a vicious circle, because Satsuki does act in an untrustworthy way, but everyone's hostility towards him only stoke his own, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy of confirmation bias. He acts aggressive because he thinks the world is too mean for someone nice and cute like Natsuki, and that aggression is met with suspicion and aggression in kind, so Satsuki is reaffirmed in his belief that he and Natsuki can't be accepted by the world.

Where Natsuki is rather sheltered in the anime, in his route Haruka is very sheltered by her friends as well. Though it's honestly hard to know the balance that the writers intended, since you wouldn't typically make a love interest so... Despicable. They seem to think that Satsuki being "misguided" and "misunderstood" makes up for everything and still makes him likeable, near the end of the route Haruka even tells Satsuki that he has "nothing to apologize for". Satsuki, who threatened sexual assault on Haruka several times and was inappropriate with her and also Syo, Syo who Satsuki punched into fainting and being hospitalized. He has nothing to be sorry for, he's done nothing wrong, you say...? Ah but how could I forget, it's mentioned that Syo's injuries turn out to not be serious as he only has light bruises, "Satsuki-kun must have gone easy on him" they say, that means it's all okay. (sarcasm)

The route as a whole does feel like it's going for the "I can fix him" "only I in the world understand him, he is such a sad misunderstood brooding loner" type of romance and doesn't really have the concept of accountability, only "oh well, he's better now". Due to the several highly sensitive elements in his route, including his horrible actions and him having a disorder infamous for being demonized in media, I'm currently having to walk an insane tightrope of not demonizing Satsuki while not diminishing the very serious things he's done in Repeat, of saying how he needs support while making sure not to guilttrip anyone lest of all Haruka for not being able to provide that, the way that route does guilttrip. This is just a halfway point reminder to read my character analysis in good faith, and that I do not take the trigger warning lightly. Utapri's writing can be very clunky, including with these last points I discussed, but there's always conclusions you can make even for clunky choices, both in a meta analysis and in a strictly character psychology analysis. Despite it being such an elephant in the room, I'm trying not to go into details through this post to reduce the chances of being triggering and of inciting debate, but if you're curious about the specifics of these SA scenes I mention to verify my statements I can sadly only recommend you go read his route for yourself. I do not want to have to debate SA.

But ahh we are straying from the central topic of this analysis quite a bit, let's get back on track with more observations. Apologies for having to cram things into the same picture as again the 30 pictures limit forces my arm, but if you zoom you can note some of his famous "I'll kill you"s. Meanwhile the highlighted parts...

ANOTHER INSTANCE OF SATUKI NOT KNOWING WHAT TF HE WANTS! Isn't it vert interesting how he seems to flip flop? "Move aside. Actually, how dare you move away.", "Let me get into your space and touch you without your consent. Wait, how dare you touch me.", do you want to get closer or not? Do you want Haruka to get out of your sight or not?

What he wants I think, the common denominator, what makes him say and do things so threateningly yet panic when others respond in kind... is control. He has the control when he touches Haruka and jostles her around, but having her hand hold his arm suddenly feels intrusive because it's no longer him calling all the shots then. Demanding Haruka step aside is his plan, but when it feels like she's running away instead that plan feels less secure, she's moving away but not in the way not for the reason he wants, he feels something slipping through his fingers and he panics so he holds her back. Control is in fact a very common theme with him- He manages Natsuki and what he is and isn't allowed to do, who he is and isn't allowed to interact with and in what way, Satsuki wants a highly controlled environment and that's part of him being so avoidant as well, isolating himself and Natsuki so the environment can be more predictable. It just happens that threats is the way he gains, maintains and feels control. It's the same with the SA, as well. It's about power and control. Threatening others means he's controlling the danger in a situation, he is what others must fear instead of him being afraid of others, offense as defense. Though I do think with Haruka specifically, pride is part of it. Satsuki fears being unneeded and replaced, he fears being replaced to Natsuki by Haruka or by his new friends, but he also fears being replaced to Haruka by Natsuki too near the end of his route.

Satsuki once practices with Haruka, during which he harshly criticizes the song she and Natsuki wrote together from a highly technical standpoint. Haruka replies with "We created this together. I don’t think Natsuki-kun would agree with you…". Which I'll use as yet another point showing that Satsuki understands Natsuki less than he thinks. And since Natsuki has trauma from his more elite classical music days, I think this could be Satsuki recreating the past trauma of strict lessons and mindsets that Natsuki went through. Having the things abusers said internalized and pushing the system to keep believing them as rules is one of the things a persecutor will often do. Natsuki being as carefree and whimsical as he is can feel like compensation for a past when he was raised very strictly, but he never complains about something like that that I can recall, so this is just theorizing- All we know is that Natsuki likes freedom and creativity in music a lot, and only starts having fun playing the violin again when he starts playing and songwriting with Haruka.

Satsuki Shinomiya: What’s good about Natsuki, anyway? He’s sensitive and fragile… and he immediately runs away from pain.

Natsuki pushes himself practicing to the point of exhaustion several times, he has very high standards for himself, and like thinking through the whole night in the anime we see that he has a hard time locking out after locking in on an issue. Both Natsuki and Satsuki are very harsh on themselves, see themselves for much less than their good qualities. And while Natsuki exhausts himself being an elite musician, Satsuki exhausts himself doing everything for Natsuki when he fronts.

Onto the next point. By now, there's not much else to wrap up before we're finished talking about moments from his route, and since we're late in the route Satsuki reveals more and more about their situation. I'll be rapid firing a lot of quotes so you can hear things from his own mouth.

Haruka Nanami: Satsuki-kun, where and what were you doing up until now when Natsuki-kun was the dominant personality? Satsuki-kun makes a melancholic expression for a brief moment before he collects himself again.

Satsuki doesn't answer it above, but he inadvertently does later on when Haruka asks about where Natsuki is instead. Partly because Haruka earned his trust more, and partly showing again that he prefers when Natsuki gets focused on rather than himself.

Satsuki Shinomiya: He’s in the darkness. Answering with a low tone, Satsuki-kun’s face becomes stone cold. Haruka Nanami: Huh…? Satsuki Shinomiya: A deep… deep darkness… The abyss of consciousness… A loneliness no one could fathom. An escape from all the surrounding jealousy and envy, complete nothingness… A void. A closed-off world where voices from the outside world can seldom reach… Haruka Nanami: … Satsuki Shinomiya: … There is no explanation that I can give that could be understood by an average bystander… Is that enough for you? Haruka Nanami: … Yes. Thank you very much. Satsuki-kun looks like he’s hurt that I didn’t pursue any further. Will Satsuki-kun go back to that darkness once Natsuki-kun comes back? The thought pains me.

Satsuki repeatedly describes himself as Natsuki's shadow. Hence, he was never destined to stand in the light. "I’m his shadow… I’ve taken on all the burden for him this entire time so he wouldn’t experience it…"

Satsuki Shinomiya: ... I won't hand over Natsuki to you. Never... satsuki shinomiya: If I do, I'll... Haruka Nanami: Satsuki... kun? Satsuki Shinomiva: ... It's nothing. Satsuki Shinomiya: .. Don't come out... Do you want to be hurt again...? Satsuki-kun suddenly clutches his chest and his face contorts. Satsuki shinomiya: ... I won't let you get hurt. That's why I'm here. Satsuki Shinomiva: I'm the only one who can protect vou, for eternity.. Isn't that right, Natsuki..? Satsuki Shinomiya: Say I'm right... He murmurs to himself with a stifled voice. He looks as if he's crying...

Despite Satsuki doing his best to mask that, he is in fact a very lonely person. He wishes he could be known and cared for, too, somewhere in him that he doesn't like to acknowledge. Like near the very end of the route, which I'll show in the quote below right after the two next ones.

Satsuki Shinomiya: … I don’t need your pity. You should only be worried about him. Haruka Nanami: … Satsuki-kun, are you worried about Natsuki-kun too? Satsuki Shinomiya: I’m his shadow. Of course I’m worried about him…

-

I squeezes Satsuki-kun’s hand. Satsuki Shinomiya: What are you doing…? I’m not Natsuki. You should do this for him instead of me.

-

Satsuki Shinomiya: ... Maybe all I've wanted to do is to hold you like this, claiming that this is all for his sake. Satsuki Shinomiya: I... can't blame Natsuki. Before I realized... I fell for you too.... He looks at me in the eyes and gently kisses my forehead. He embraces me more tightly. Haruka Nanami: Satsuki... kun. My... arms hurt... Satsuki Shinomiya: I don't want to disappear... Haruka... I've actually always wanted to be with you... Even though he's so close to me, his voice is so faint that I can barely hear him. Satsuki Shinomiya: ... Can you be mine for just this moment? Satsuki Shinomiya: ... I want to keep you to myself, even for a short time.... He buries his face in my shoulder. I hear his breathing next to my ear, as if he's quietly trying to hold back his feelings. It's as if he's communicating to me with no words. Satsuki Shinomiya: Haruka... don't forget... that I existed….. This is the first and last honest display of emotion from this strong man. No, he's not as strong as he seems. Satsuki-kun is scared. He's scared that he'll disappear without a trace. That is the equivalent to death... It's nothingness.

He's very... Selfless in this, when it comes to Natsuki, despite the presence of jealousy too. The self-hatred is often palpable.

Satsuki Shinomiya: I see. I thought that you would say, “Please disappear for Natsuki’s sake.” Haruka Nanami: Why would I… Satsuki Shinomiya: I’m the one who has caused this situation. I say I want to protect him, and yet I’m putting him in danger. Satsuki Shinomiya: And yet… I can’t disappear. If I do that, who’s going to protect him?

There's some debate as to how exactly Nasuki felt towards Haruka throughout Natsuki's route. I think... It's easily confusing, but the truth of the matter is that it's complex, simple as. Haruka represents a turning point in Natsuki's life, one that can spell either doom or bliss with very little inbetween. She's a threat and she's salvation, and both Natsuki and Satsuki oscillate between fearing and craving that, despite Natsuki wanting to trust her and have good faith all up until the confession gone wrong. Satsuki explicitly says that his first thought on Haruka was that she resembled the teacher that hurt Natsuki, and he thought she'd be the same as her and hurt him too. Similarly to how Satsuki both prioritizes Natsuki's sake above all else and resents him a little for it.

Like... Earlier, the thing in the anime episode that really stuck out to me first is the point they made about how Satsuki DOESN'T know Natsuki by heart, he DOESN'T always know what's best for him. Of course that must sting so so much and be hard to accept and augh Satsuki wanting to UNDERSTAND what Natsuki sees in Haruka, because he wants to feel closer to Natsuki, and because it's hard to Not Understand who he should know the most. That plays into it, too. it's such a hodge-podge, but isn't that what makes him fun to dissect.

Satsuki Shinomiya: I'm Natsuki's shadow. I exist just for him. That's why I hated you. Satsuki Shinomiya: I felt like you were taking Natsuki away from me... as if I was going to lose my reason for being... Haruka Nanami: That's not true.... I open my mouth, but Satsuki-kun grabs my arm and smiles softly. Satsuki Shinomiya: But before I knew it, I was always watching you. You have endless faith in others, you're honest, and you're too nice for your own good. You always seemed so vulnerable. Satsuki Shinomiya: I just couldn't hold back from trying to protect you... I... must've been drawn to you.

-

Natsuki Shinomiya: I think, after that point, I couldn't trust people anymore. I loved you, but I couldn't truly trust you.

-

Satsuki Shinomiya: He’s been betrayed over and over… No matter how much he wants to believe in people, he’s unconsciously always on guard. Satsuki Shinomiya: That’s why he doesn’t want you to get hurt like him… He tries too hard to prove how much he loves someone. / Satsuki Shinomiya: He’s so weak… and is so quick to run away… Satsuki Shinomiya: And yet he pushes himself for you. He overworks himself all for… you…

Satsuki babies Natsuki, but it's out from immense empathy, shown here yet again.

And speaking of! It's trauma deets time. Again, Natsuki was very close to his teacher and he showed her his original composition, that she then stole and claimed as her own and got the credit for, traumatizing Natsuki.

The kanjis for Satsuki's name are 砂月. 砂 means sand.

Satsuki's very name is a symbol of the trauma that he is trying to burry. He was born because and for that trauma and he will never be allowed to forget about it. His name is a double edged sword, it is the hope and image of that sandcastle and it is the way that that sandcastle disappeared and left him too.

Satsuki's name represents that sandcastle I'm gonna lose it. It is SO explicit.

Satsuki Shinomiya: I’m Satsuki… I’m just a fleeting existence that will be washed away in an instant once the waves come.

Implying that Satsuki's beauty is in the moment he disappears is foul to me, but if I good faith interpret it... A sandcastle washed away by a wave, creativity and hard work all gone by the morning, like a swiped composition stolen away from you leaving it with nothing. In this way, Satsuki does represent healing: This sentiment of it's beautiful even when/if it leaves/because it isn't eternal, is in line with a core issue of Natsuki's, the problem he was having during this arc of his route: Natsuki has to enjoy making music, not just want the polished finished result of it. Music is beautiful because it's a temporary performance with a beginning and an end, and above all, it's an art that's fun to do. Like building sandcastles.

Trauma is a horrible thing, loss is heartwrenching, but it brought Satsuki to Natsuki, it enriched him and causes growth in him.

Satsuki Shinomiya: He’s more emotional than anyone… but he doesn’t know how to express that normally. Music is the only way he can express his emotions. Satsuki Shinomiya: I have taken on all of his negative emotions, and yet… Satsuki Shinomiya: When he met you, he changed… No, he tried to change. Despite being a weakling, he tried so hard to change. Satsuki Shinomiya: Can you believe that Natsuki…? Makes me laugh… Tears well up in his eyes as he speaks. He should be happy that Natsuki-kun is becoming stronger, but he must be lonely that Natsuki-kun is drifting further away from him.

-

Satsuki Shinomiya: Even so, maybe I wanted to keep existing until the end... Satsuki Shinomiya: I’m Natsuki’s shadow. I exist just for him. That’s why I hated you. Satsuki Shinomiya: I felt like you were taking Natsuki away from me… as if I was going to lose my reason for being…

And again I think maybe this is why I personally prefer the anime- because the anime is also about Satsuki fearing he's losing his reason for existing yes, but not because of Haruka- because of growth and Natsuki. Both are compelling in their own unique way though, of course. I personally just thing Repeat was much messier and laser focused on making Haruka the center of Haruka's whole world, which is interesting in itself too.

Satsuki Shinomiya: I was born solely to protect you from everything that could hurt you… And yet at some point, I… Satsuki Shinomiya: I ended up becoming someone who only brings pain and sadness to you. I am deeply sorry for that.

-

Satsuki Shinomiya: … Maybe I can leave him to you… I’ll give Natsuki back.

And it's a sad way to put it, but he does. He leaves to make space for Natsuki once more. Natsuki comes back for the final time of the route and he's here to stay, Satsuki having merged with him offscreen. And he does admit what I said earlier, that he was "conscious" while Satsuki was fronting, and had some level of resistance he could show. Hence that power dynamic for control that Natsuki and Satsuki sometimes have, and Natsuki wilfully using Satsuki as a way to avoid things. And again, you can see how his route places all the importance on Haruka as a lover.

Natsuki Shinomiya: I've been watching you this entire time. Natsuki Shinomiya: I pretended that I wasn't aware this entire time when I was trapped by the darkness. Natsuki Shinomiya: But... your voice cut through the darkness and reached me. Natsuki Shinomiya: Your confession... made me so, so happy. Natsuki Shinomiya: I wished to free myself and hug you tight... Natsuki Shinomiya: But... I was too weak to escape the darkness. Natsuki Shinomiya: Even though you said that you love all of me, and I feel the same way... Natsuki Shinomiya: I love all of you... My chest tightens just from thinking about you.... Natsuki Shinomiya: When I discovered that you feel the same way about me-that we're connected by the same emotions, I gained the courage to free myself from the darkness, and yet... Natsuki Shinomiya: I made you wait this long. I swore to myself that no matter what, I would protect you… Natsuki shinomiya: I'm so sorry that I'm like this... l'm...

And when I say he's nonconfrontational, that he runs away or goes along with things easily, etc... This is what I mean.

Natsuki Shinomiya: Haru-chan... I've always ran away from music and even myself. I would turn my back before even putting up a fight. Natsuki Shinomiya: But this time it's different. I've decided I'll fight for myself... and for you. Natsuki Shinomiya: I'm still scared, of course, but I have you... Natsuki Shinomiya: That's why I can fight with all my strength without holding back. I'll definitely make my dream come true! Natsuki-kun gently takes off his glasses. Natsuki Shinomiya: Wait for me. Natsuki-kun hands me his glasses.

And yet...

Natsuki-kun raises his face, his eyes shining bright. Natsuki Shinomiya: I won’t run anymore. There’s a strong will behind Natsuki-kun’s eyes that wasn’t there before. This is true strength. True kindness.

Wanting to be strong is the strongest and bravest thing natsuki could do. Satsuki's sacrifice is the bravest thing he could do, too, which is deeply tragic.

Natsuki's route is about having strength to stand on your own. Strength to stand earnest and vulnerable. Natsuki's route, just like Ai's, is about finding something worth fighting for, worth changing for, worth growing strong and free for. Free of limitations and trauma.

"You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on Earth. You are here to risk your heart." In one sentence, Natsuki's route:

Natsuki Shinomiya: But I wanted to protect you even if I may get hurt. I wished to be with you.

Love may end like that sandcastle but it's fine. It was there and it was beautiful, there is beauty in it It's about trauma and letting go. Having the courage to be open again after horrible hurt being done unto you. Having the courage to be cute and weak and trusting.

To love is to be vulnerable- to be open to feelings is to be vulnerable, to have the potential for hurt. Both Satsuki and Aine are people who recoiled from that, wanted to be protected from that fact of life, becoming closed off, and both Natsuki and Ai were the ones who wanted to become open again, to enjoy life fully, dragging Satsuki and Aine along kicking and screaming.

"Can you handle it?" "yes."

Natsuki became strong. They did it.

The Ai interlude

And hence what I meant by my title- Sharing the burden of dependency. The "kicking and screaming part", I mean. Because dependency is where Natsuki & Satsuki and Ai & Aine's relationships maybe most heavily differ, because Natsuki's dynamic is codependent whereas Ai and Aine pretty much don't want anything to do with each other yet are forced to be stuck to impact each other deeply, Aine being onesidedly, forcedly dependent on Ai.

But how do you grow, then? When someone else's sake is deeply intertwined with your own? It's harder to account for two, for two different set of needs and opinions and feelings, to act as if the same course of action is the best as both of them, that one's will is the both of theirs. Natsuki's route starts this dialogue, and Ai's route ends it. The solution with Natsuki and Satsuki is to confront things and talk it out and to agree on what's best for the both of them together, while the solution with Ai and Aine is to confront things and to agree to disagree and seek to be as separate as possible. The difference is that where Ai Aine can actually live separately physically, Natsuki and Satsuki will always have to work together. And both are okay, and both are valid. No duos are the same. Dependency, that's the burden, not each other. That is, sometimes, the shared weight.

Personally, I wouldn't like the conclusion of how Satsuki ends up much… If it wasn't for Ai.

If Natsuki's story is about the theme of "going through discomfort is needed for positive change but it's worth it", then Ai and Aine's story is about "going through discomfort is unavoidable to live life but it's worth it".

Ai's story in All Star is about fighting to be allowed to experience life, both the good and bad parts of it. Let me... Try to summarize and explain.

There's this sentiment from a show I really recommend called Pantheon: "Nostalgia is a virus".

Ai is a robot and artificial intelligence. He wants to experience feelings, he's a very curious person, and more and more he wants to discover what the world has to offer, what experiences he can have with Haruka's help. Over the route he... Falls in love with living, with what it means to have feelings and hold things dear instead of seeing everything coldly, singing with emotion rather than machine calculation.

But to understand Ai's situation, we first have to know Aine Kisaragi.

The elevator starts moving. I'm sure it's moving downwards. It brings us to a gloomy place. The professor touches the heel of his sandals, and a small light turns on, lighting the path ahead of us. We pass through a long corridor. Opening another series of locks, we reach a place that looks like a repository. A low-frequency buzz can be heard, coming from all directions. We quickly realize that the persistent noise is being produced by walls of computers, each as tall as an average person. "It's like a computer mansion," Shinomiya-san mumbles. Professor: Be careful not to step on that cable over there. It's quite literally a lifeline. Haruka Nanami: Ah-okay. Various cables are stretched out around our feet, all of them leading to one place. Haruka Nanami: Mikaze-senpai...? A single person lies inside a transparent case. Natsuki Shinomiya: He looks just like... Ai-chan…. Professor: The spitting image, right? He was the model, so that's a given. Androgynous and well-balanced features. White skin that looks almost translucent. And… Haruka Nanami: …Indigo-blue eyes… The person lies motionless with their eyes open, sightless, looking straight into the air aimlessly. Syo Kurusu: What... kind of condition is that? With his eyes open like that... he doesn't look like he's sleeping. Professor: Yes, it's different. If I had to name it... I'd say he is "closed off." Professor: This is Aine Kisaragi. My nephew, the idol who vanished. Professor: As well as… the one who is Ai's limiter. Haruka Nanami: Limiter? Professor: That's right. Most likely, he is the one blocking Ai from singing your song.

Aine was a rising musical talent, but he was very depressive. He got hurt so much by feelings- so much that he sort of noped out of life and got into a depression-induced coma? The details of how he got into a coma are left vague in Ai's route, (though I hear that in the anime suicide attempt through drowning are more explicit) but they make it sound like a choice. He just... Shut down. On the beach.

Which is also relevant because Ai's route has this whole Little Mermaid imagery- the fairytale one where the mermaid turns to foam after using her voice to protect her love. The little mermaid has a beautiful voice, but gives it up to experience life on Earth, to experience that world.... And he falls in love there. But ultimately she gives it up for what she thinks is right. In Ai's route, this motif comes in because Ai is given his first actor role, which is difficult because he's a robot who doesn't understand love, and The Little Mermaid is a romance. It's extra incentive for him to open himself to learning about feelings, and he grows more receptive and more understanding to it through the route, a better actor, who never once stops wanting to give the movie his best.

But yes, Aine is saved in the nick of time by his uncle, the Professor in charge of Ai's robot project, but he's still in a coma.

He didn't have any external wounds either. They examined his whole body and took all the measurements. It wasn't an organic problem. In other words. they couldn't find any problems within his body in itself. Professor: we concluded that he might be closing himself out from the outside world. Haruka Nanami: He is… closing himself off? The professor nods silently. Professor: Aine was an extraordinary person who was highly sensitive. However, that chipped away his ability to control that sensitivity significantly. A one-of-a-kind idol. Great sensitivity is the source of an idol's charm. But for him, it was agony. Professor: Human relations, abuse and slander, conflict and dispute. Additionally, when it comes to work, conditions such as budget and time influence a person too. When something can be handled easily, we might call it a pain and brush it off. But for him, each of these things became a burden he couldn't bear. "This is what society might call a 'weak' person," the professor adds with a bitter smile. Natsuki Shinomiya: ... Shinomiya-san lowers his gaze and crouches down, patting the outside of the case holding the body. Professor: Additionally, he was entrusted to act in a difficult role at that time. This might have caused quite a few problems. Even if such circumstances weren't the direct cause, he could have cut off his own emotions in order to protect himself from further shifts in his heart. That's what the professor thinks.

So fast forward a bit, Shining Agency sort of commissioned and funded a project to make a robot idol. The professor used it as an opportunity to model his nephew who... as far as the general public knows, went missing. Not officially dead. Ai knows nothing of this. Because again, the whole robot project is a secret to the public in the first place, and as far as the official reasons for the project goes, there's no mention of Aine Kisaragi. He's an experimental robot idol, and that's all there is to it as far as he knows.

During the route, Haruka makes Ai experience more and more emotions, which he wants, but experiencing emotions- especially love- makes him overheat dangerously. A meltdown does happen eventually- when he sings the song Haruka wrote for him on a beach after an aquarium date, staring at the sea, it makes him feel a lot.... Aine suddenly comes out, taking over Ai's body just to have Ai stop and have a meltdown that makes him shut down, saying "Stop feeling! Don't force me to feel!".

Ai Mikaze: No... Don't touch my heart!! Haruka Nanami: Mikaze-senpai—?! What's wrong? Ai Mikaze: "Mikaze….?" "Mikaze..." No, that's not me... "Aine... Kisaragi.. Aine..." Aine..? Senpai's expression distorts. Ai Mikaze: Stop... stop it...! I didn't want to feel any emotions anymore. And yet, inside my heart... something is stirring, it's all a mess... He grabs onto my wrists as he speaks. Ai Mikaze: I'm begging you... don't move my heart any more. Don't sing that song. I don't want to think or feel anything!

Ai stops being able to sing, after he wakes up. Sooo.... Haruka, Syo and Natsuki do some sleuthing and confront the professor. It turns out, for the professor Ai was mostly made to be used as a shock therapy, exposure therapy sort of tool for Aine- he made a mental connection between Ai and Aine and put a cap on Ai's emotions so through Ai learning and experiencing emotions, Aine would also slowly get reintroduced to them and get sort of mentally stimulated.

Haruka Nanami: But what does that have to do with Mikaze-senpai...? Professor: Just at that time, I was researching whether robots could develop emotions. Haruka Nanami: Was that the research that would lay tne roundations tor Mikaze-l senpai's existence? Professor: Yeah, that's right. I wanted to save Aine somehow... So I thought of connecting him to Ai. Syo Kurusu: Connecting... Aine to Ai?! Professor: Yeah. Ai would start learning emotions just like a newborn infant. I thought that might let Aine empathize with him. A way to make two hearts empathize with one another. Emotions that awaken in Mikaze-senpai's heart: and the resulting reactions in his body are quantified and sent directly to Aine-san's brain. That way, the events that Mikaze-senpar experiences can create empathy. Then, the president said to make Mikaze-senpai an idol. Mikaze-senpai started working in an environment similar to Aine-san—in the entertainment industry. Professor: Slowly, I'd make him experience emotions, one step at a time. If possible, I'd let Ai study positive emotions like joy and happiness. Professor: This world isn't just painful. It's a place where we can find happiness. If I could make him think that, then… Professor: … wouldn't Aine wake up? That's what I believed. Haruka Nanami: That's short-sighted… He speaks of our dear Mikaze-senpai as a tool, so I object.

So all the overheating preventing Ai to feel and live was actually mostly an effect of Aine's turmoil, of being forcibly connected to Aine and the pushback he offered. Ai would have no trouble learning and feeling as much as he wanted if it wasn't for the professor controlling how much emotion he's allowed or not allowed to come into contact with, because he's filtering them for Aine's sake.

When he brings you onto an elevator that gets you down, down, down into the basement and... There you see rows upon rows of computer towers, and at the center of them all, a pod- a coffin-where lays Aine-... The mood is very grave. Creepy even if poetic- The lifeline imagery, the everything, the cloning... Ai was created for Aine, as a tool for Aine, his purpose is Aine, and just the layout of the room already tells you just how much his literal life and identity centers around it- or is supposed to, anyways. By design. Aine's pods connected to Ai's computer towers because they were made and meant to be linked, holes driven into Ai's physical body to make place for Aine.

Professor: Even for us humans, among all of our emotions, affection is something complex and intense. Once again, the professor looks towards Aine-san inside the case. Professor: It entered Ai's system this year. It was too complex of an emotion for him to cope with, so he became unstable. Senpai previously complained about fevers. That must have been a part of it. Professor: Besides, Aine cannot cut off the emotions he receives through Ai. That's why Aine resisted. Professor: At the beginning of this month, when we brought Ai back to the lab, I was surprised when I saw it for the first time. It was definitely Aine. Natsuki Shinomiya: T-then, if we just separate them... At Shinomiya-san's remark, the professor shakes his head. Professor: …Except for that one thing, everything is going well. The fact that Aine is resisting in itself can be seen as proof that he's waking up. He then looks at me. Professor: I want to let Aine return. Let me keep them connected. Syo Kurusu: Hey... you mean...! Professor: I know that I'm not in a position to say this! I'm also very grateful since you all let Al grow. Professor: Please... It's a miracle that these two have aligned so well this time! The professor cuts Syo-kun off in a serious tone. Professor: Human life is limited. If I had to redo the process again from scratch, we'd run out of time. I can hear a distressed tone in the professor's voice and find myself unable to answer. Haruka Nanami: What will happen to Mikaze-senpai? Will he remain unable to sing like this? Professor: If he continues to overload himself with emotions in this state, the worst case could be that his system might crash. Haruka Nanami: So it's not just about singing... At some point, we won't be able to be together at all anymore? The professor nods. Professor: Can you take Ai into consideration and….. distance yourself from him? Syo Kurusu: You... how dare you...!!

The professor riding very thin ethical lines rn...!! Sounding like a desperate villain who lost sight of the path of light and is pushing things beyond reason...!! Ai might die the whole thing might fail but "Aine resisting could be seen as a good sign...!! Please let me keep them connected I want him to come back. Also stop seeing Ai."

Okay sure put the man who wanted to forget his past and stop feeling because it hurts too much and the robot who wanted to learn how to feel in handcuffs together, then what......

While this post is about Natsuki and Ai, Triangle Beat is real and Syo is important to both their characters for a reason. While Ai and Aine parallel Natsuki and Satsuki, Ai and Aine's story similarly parallels Syo's because Syo is terminally ill and disabled, with his heart condition that has put an early death estimate on his life and causes dangerous seizures. Syo, too, fights to live and experience what he can to the fullest. He was coddled and sheltered, hospitalized over and over again, to the point that Syo in his route fears Haruka knowing, and hates being treated like glass above all else, hates worry over his sake. Like with Ai, he was held back and isolated, with things and activities he cared about taken away from him, in order to "protect him" from his own condition, to prevent him from shutting down no matter what, regardless of Syo's own wishes. Syo and Ai also have very similar "i don't want to die!" moments...

Satsuki Shinomiya: … Don’t come out… Do you want to be hurt again…?

Aine is more like Natsuki than Satsuki, funnily enough since Aine's the one defensive and closed off. Aine fronts when triggered, too, and that trigger is emotions yes— but he's more like Natsuki, in that he wants to avoid and slumber when things get hurtful, again to Natsuki's own admission.

In Utapri's philosophy, both with Natsuki and Aine, what happens when someone is pushed beyond their limit is that they shut down, both emotionally and physically. They want to no longer feel and keep themselves in a comatose state willingly for example, their body shuts down into a deep, long and uninterrupted sleep. Or, they seek the comfort of darkness and oblivion inside themselves. Shutting the world out, in both cases, fleeing from it, needing a break. And Utapri is deeply empathetic to this metaphor for burnout and mental health issues, and in Natsuki's route it encourages you to try opening yourself again to life by warning what may happen if you cling onto closing yourself off, while Ai's route encourages you by showing all the rewards of opening yourself to what the world has to offer instead.

What happened to Aine was what happened to Natsuki, but then over his route... Natsuki became more like Ai. Because Ai, too, like Natsuki, like Syo, strives to be stronger, wants to hold onto life with his whole palms and not let go. You could argue all day which of them three represent this ideal the most, lives it out the best, but in my heart that title goes to Ai easily.

So what happens next? What does Ai do...?

Lots of turmoil keeps happening, but eventually Ai and Haruka find their way back to each other and Ai confesses to her. And he shortly has another episode, so Haruka ends up telling him about Aine because she's so so scared for him. AND HE GETS SO PISSED.

It all happens offscreen but he runs back to the professor's, confronts him, then goes into the basement to disconnect himself from Aine forcefully- Some internal battle we're not privy to happens where Ai and Aine interact- and in Ai's words, they eventually come to some understanding, after a while of being passed out on the floor... But this was never meant to happen, and by disconnecting like this Ai damaged his systems and triggered his security measures- and now all of his data/memory is being deleted with nothing anyone can do, and he has a limited time before he, or at least he as we know it, dies. Will they even be able to recover his system data? Not sure yet, but his memories are supposed to be an entire no-go.

Ai doesn't regret it, though. So he and Haruka enjoy the time they have left together... Lots of grief is already manifesting. And then comes the time for Ai to sing Haruka's song in front of an audience and win the contest, finally with lyrics, him finally being able to sing it with all the feelings it evokes in him.

Ai Mikaze: I don't want to disappear... I really don't want to disappear! I want to stay with you forever and ever. But... as long as I can leave even a few memories behind, that's enough. I'll leave the proof of my existence in you.

Winter Blossom, the song about snow being ephemeral, snowflakes melting, yet still being beautiful yes, the bittersweetness of it all. The song he wanted to sing so so much that he risked everything for it. For the freedom of singing your own song. As he goes up on stage he knows he doesn't have much time left, his body is already overheating from the strain of running himself- but he goes up, and he sings.

The little mermaid sings for his love and gets turned to foam... He comes back down the stage and he dies in your arms.

With the ocean in the background, the mermaid prince wishes for the heroine's happiness and offers her a song. This is the scene where he turns into foam and disappears.

He dies. He really does.

And then, well...! What happens depends on which ending you get but Haruka mourns him. He's gone, and his songs become less played on the radio after a while, and Haruka gets reminded of how everything fades with time, etc etc. And then, he comes back... A year later, or even more. After you'd given up on hope, but he's back, and the endings don't give you the opportunity to bask in that really, you get a sliver of him and the credits roll. You know that a happy ending is on the way for them together, and that's enough even if you don't quite get to see it. You have to trust that the good will come. Mourning him is inevitable and happens in every ending, every timeline, but in every timeline he does come back in a way, also. Things fade and things change but love once came and it will come back again.

The conclusion of the talk with Aine during the internal battle went something like "I'll be watching your song performance. Inspire me to want to feel again, maybe you can". The consensus reached with the Professor too being like, you have to give Aine time and he may recover eventually.... But that trying to force it was bad because it was just being destructive to both Ai and Aine.

Ai Mikaze: When I cut the connection, I met Aine. Haruka Nanami: You met him...? Ai Mikaze: Yeah. Deep at the bottom of my consciousness. He was afraid of waking up. Moreover, he is someone who is full of emotions. Ai Mikaze: That's why I told him that he should take good care of them, since they are what I had eagerly longed for. Ai Mikaze: Lastly, he promised to listen to my singing. I believe when he listens to that song, it will change him somehow. Haruka Nanami: So, that's what happened... Thank you for telling me. Ai Mikaze: I was truly born to sing. Singing was my life's purpose, and nothing but a means to achieve a goal. Ai Mikaze: But you know, my will to sing your song is the very first dream of my own. In order to achieve it, I needed a free heart. Haruka Nanami: Your own dream... Ai Mikaze: Now, I'm free! From now on, I'm free to feel and think whatever I like. Ai Mikaze: Finally, I get to live my life as myself.

-

Professor: Ai told me that we don't have to force Aine to wake up. He should have the strength to wake up by himself. He said: "What else can we do but believe in his strength?" —Can't believe Ai was the one to tell me something like that. Haruka Nanami: ...Mikaze-senpai told me that he met Aine-san. "Seems like it." The professor says with a nod. Professor: For humans, there are times when they want to run away and times when they want to rest. I became so desperate in my deed to save Aine, I never thought about everyone else's feelings. I hurt Aine, Ai, and also you. For that, I'm sorry. Everyone's feelings... Haruka Nanami: But... I believe that having someone who is waiting for you must be a truly wonderful thing. You wanted to help wake Aine-san, and I don't think that those feelings were futile. So please, just wait for him.

DO YOU SEE!! THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING SOMEONE WAITING FOR YOU! THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOMEONE CAN AND WILL. Natsuki "Please, wait for me to be ready.", Haruka "Please, wait for Aine to be ready.". Wait for him, believe in his own strength, in his own recovery.

AND DOESN'T IT ALL HIT SO HARD, KNOWING THAT AI TRULY REALLY DOES DIE FOR HIS FREEDOM AND DREAMS OF FEELING. To die for your love of life... Isn't that just the way. The Ai way, the Syo way, the way that Natsuki aspired to being strong enough for.

WINTER BLOSSOM being about the impermanence of things IS SO….. WAUGHH considering the whole disappearing thing... Also insane considered the ending in his route where they comment on the ephemerealness of idols and their popularity, how Ai's hit songs stop being listened to as much after a while, especially on radio, even while Haruka still mourns him and thinks of him all the time… Like snow melting. But it was still beautiful while it was there, it's still worth remembering, and Ai gets tribute memorial concerts.

He is the foam he is the winter blossom... He melts right after blossoming. Just like Otoya's cicada motif, digging through the Earth for a long time only to see the sun for a short moment before dying, the temporary nature of fame...

And yet. And yet.

As soon as he uses his voice, he's fated to disappear into foam. In spite of that, he continues to sing.

It's worth it. It's worth it to feel and it's worth it to care and it's worth it to live and to love.

So yes, beach imagery is important both to Satsuki and to Ai. One is sand and one is seafoam, meant to be washed away by the waves.

Snow White in the glass coffin in a deep sleep surrounded by people who mourn her loss, versus the Little Mermaid, because agency is the name of the game.

Indulge me a short Ai song rambling interlude...... My ultimate song I associate with Ai (from my Spotify Ai playlist hehe) is Reasonsnotto. The things around the song are already great, it has this jellyfish motif on covers and the album is named Nascet, for one. As someone once put it and I have never been the same, this song is 4 minutes of a robotic voice desperately trying to speak. Its voice modulates and screams and attempts to form syllables, words, sentences, fails over and over again but keeps trying, tries its best to be legible, heard, understood, it's a need and it's a struggle. And it's a fight of trying and trying. And then when you get to hear it, it's gentle, it's simple, and so so so emotional. Cathartic... He tries and tries, until it's able to!! Until it speaks the couple of sentences it wanted to say so badly, and things calm down for the finale.... And what is it that it says?

I am all that I've been / I want more than a moment / I want a future

This to me is the finale/climax of Ai's arc. Claiming his identity for himself even if it's hard, even if it's painful and he has to risk so much for it, it's his death scene, it's singing that song because music is the thing he was made for, the only thing he truly has, this form of expression, this form of experiencing and communicating emotion...! It's accepting that he's a robot but also not letting it define him, it's a part of him that has become his own will, it's his voice, not just Aine's.

It's not only this freedom, cathartic struggle and expression part of his arc but also his conclusion that it's all worth it if it's to live, to live now and have a future he can be happy with later. Reasons Not To, as in reasons not to kill yourself. Reasons not to give up. You struggle to say it, and to feel it probably, but "I want a future". Desperately. Wail with it. You struggle to parse the other things they say, the other reasons, but there's one that gets through crystal clear. You want a future. He wants a future. He wants a future!

I am all that I have been... I am more than my design...... I want more than a moment, I want a future...............

Thought having a robot boyfriend would mean he's immortal? Haha! Think again! His system is experimental and has 30 issues

If there is a time machine, would you rather travel to the past or the future? I prefer the future. I don't want to go to the past and I don't have that much past to go back. People may say time is finite, but I think good thing about time is it has an end.

THAT HE WOULD SAY THAT MEMORY IS PURE....? FROM AI MIKAZE'S MOUTH? SORT OF LIKE THIS LAST SONG, THAT HE WOULD JUST CHOOSE..... ACCEPTANCE? AND SEE THE CARE EVEN IN THE WORST PARTS OF HIS LIFE, THE SHADOWS THAT HAVE LOOMED OVER HIM FOR ALL OF IT, THAT HE SEES PURE CARE AND BEAUTY IN REMEMBERING AINE...? Memory is pure... Aine memorialized with love, Ai respecting that memory, knowing of it now... I want more than a moment, I want a future...

Even his damn haircut is so meaninful. Why would a robot gravitate towards asymmetry? Did he choose it himself? Why that pick? Finding some satisfaction in what isn't symmetrical, isn't perfect down to measures, isn't in complete order 😌 breaking out of bounds and expectations, just a little... Ai, choosing an asymmetrical hairstyle, because it feels right despite it being wrong by any measure, because he likes it, and because he's taking control of his identity.

-Abruptly stops laughing to lean into my seat, hands folded to look serious- How fucked up do you think skipping childhood to go straight into being the most knowledgeable and competent person in the room would fuck someone up. Ah... What's that I smell? Could it be a Nagi parallel? Child star that has to be locked in to be respected and handle his contracts to not be taken advantage of?

We're almost at the finish line stay with me

Natsuki is in a similar situation as Aine, even if Natsuki's want of bravery is contrasted with Aine only wanting a moment of stillness and comfort, where they needed someone else to live, in that way. The difference though, is that Aine needed more time, whereas Natsuki needed more freedom. Natsuki, like Ai, had to want to change himself first, badly. Aine did not, like how Satsuki did not, and both wanted to keep the status quo. Whereas Satsuki is forced to adapt, Aine is allowed to recover at his own pace, if he ever does.

Whereas Satsuki, merges, fuses, opens himself to Natsuki fully- Aine separates, disconnects, retreats into himself, finding his own agency that way. Both find peace within that.

If Natsuki's route is about how being pushed out of your shell a bit can be ultimately good for you long term, Ai's route is about how much harm it can do to have change and growth and recovery pushed onto you against your will or capabilities.

Ai's story is also about strength. About doing what's important to you even if it turns you to foam. About growing into yourself and becoming strong independently, while reaffirming your own identity and right to take up space, right to have wants, right to be yourself and be someone with your own individual thoughts. Both Natsuki and his endless quirkiness, and Ai, born for the sake of someone else. Both Satsuki, who is his own person, and Aine, whose needs and feelings should be taken into account too. There is no shame in growing strong, healthy and happy while relying onto others. This is simply the path Natsuki and Ai vehemently wanted to take. We were shown a desire for more independence and self-sufficience, and the way that affected the ones closest to them for the better or worse.

Where Ai and Aine's relationship differ from Natsuki and Satsuki is not just one of them who's unhappy or held back by the current arrangement, it's both, it's mutually detrimental in this case. DID systems work in the opposite way- not that things are all rosy of course, but like Satsuki with Natsuki, DID systems are meant to protect themselves, to be more functional, stronger together, or rather giving each other the baton pass. Natsuki and Satsuki rely on each other willingly and find safety and comfort in that, Ai and Aine very much do not.

I'm getting pretty far from my trying to keep DID in mind so here's my take with Ai, if I had to strictly see it as a DID narrative: Fronter Ai and memory holder Aine, pretty much. Aine being mostly dormant and even when he fronts Ai doesn't notice it until other people tell him that he's been becoming someone else- Ah, another parallel with Natsuki: people around them knowing of their condition but not wanting to tell them right away, controlling if they have the right to now or not. And then, Ai violently lashing out when learning about his systemhood, and ultimately landing on acceptance and living separate but happy lives. If we made that fit irl, I suppose it'd be... Trying not to share everything with your alters? Live your own lives whenever you front and being content and fulfilled with that, I guess? Which I'm less familiar with the logistics of, but I'm sure can be doable and something that works for some systems. Or, with a more potentially triggering angle, it reflects an experience a lot of systems have had to go through- having the "original" alter be seen as the ideal end, and alters being treated as a means to "get them back", through therapy forced upon them. Alters having to learn that they're valid, beyond just being a role in the system, as a person- which isn't really something Satsuki got to do, honestly. Both Ai and Satsuki, though, had to tell people not to force Aine or Natsuki to front, for example. A lot of people find comfort in reaffirming their systemhood, while many like to have a more individualistic view of it, and both are valid as long as you find fulfillment and stability through it.

Both... are about integration, i suppose. I do find integration very interesting to explore as a moment in a life because identity crisis is one of my favorite themes- probably why I was so drawn to making this post.

Natsuki's route is sort of about a trauma relapse in a way I guess? But otherwise, integration is the whole narrative of it- making peace with your identity as a system. Meanwhile Ai sort of complements it, I suppose, with themes of finding your identity beyond your system. Of course, a balance of these is typically what's wanted irl.

And it's that importance given to alters' pov... How it comments on that very unique experience of, one being unaware of the other while the other is forced to experience things through that unaware other, and how isolating that is, how suffocating it can be if it's forced on you. Like roommates you cannot negotiate the presence of, or being on the lonely end of a one-way mirror you can't speak through.

I'm not sure how happy I am with Satsuki's arc closer being merging... But to me, what's interesting with how Utapri treats its DID cases and/or metaphors is that the alters are treated as needing growth on an individual level, even when it's hard to have growth that's fully detached from each other, and the pairs do end up growing together as well, but as easy as it would have been to make the "doubles" purely a tool, they were given their own arcs as well. It wasn't only "the original" that had a voice given to them, even if characters in the story did often want to take it away. Natsuki had to want to grow, and Satsuki had to want to grow as well. Ai had to want to grow, but Aine had to want to try also. Both Satsuki and Aine had the problem of, in a way, sticking tothe status quo and being unwilling to try to change. Utapri is big on the pain of having your identity tied with someone else's and having to work together to achieve an outcome that's healthy for everyone while retaining agency, thus we come back to the central theme of my analysis. Clinging onto comfort and status quo despite it harming you...

Rapid fire extra Natsuki thoughts:

We're done guys yay... Feel free to skip to the short conclusion don below, but hopefully this'll be about the only Natsuki post I'll make lol so let me throw at the wall some other things I found interesting in his route:

Like with liking cute things, and if I single an example out especially the bomb mouse at the beginning of his route (the first chapters do tend to be good at setting their characters and the basics of their arcs), Natsuki is perhaps to a naive degree optimistic. Seeing the positive in things, sometimes obsessively clinging onto them like with Haruka, is maybe a coping mechanism. He wants everything to be cute and aesthetic, like with his avoidance of conflict and automatic reflex to smooth things over, being a bit of a people pleaser that goes along others' wishes like in the collab with Nagi, the vibes of a space or person being at peace is important for him to feel secure, and he values that short term feeling more than problem solving things when there are interpersonal issues. So he pushes, and blazes ahead obliviously being very cheery, or he blinks and is confused, or Satsuki starts fronting.

On that front, his tendency to go along with others' wishes and anything happily... In a way satsuki is overcorrecting on that. For someone very selfless like Natsuki, Satsuki's presence is necessary to make sure Natsuki doesn't erase his needs entirely. But beyond asking Haruka for gestures of intimacy, Natsuki is so very resistant to the idea of having needs or having had sad things in his past that his brain had to have Satsuki so Natsuki could remain ignorant to them and keep living that way. Going along with things, like how he went along to people's wishes and schedules for him, like how it's implied he ran away after his teacher's betrayal and didn't try to get any justice at all. Satsuki's problem solving is also about running away and isolating yourself through the bad, after all.

Which is ironic yeah since Natsuki is very confident. He does like taking up space, he just needs that space to be something useful- he needs to be someone who'll cheer you up or someone who's useful by being good at music, and he needs reassurance that he's doing those jobs well, needs to believe it himself or he spirals. But for example, he thinks it's a waste to not show the charms that you have, like with his picking a sexy bathing suit for Haruka in Repeat. Maybe it's satsuki's protection that allows him to be so confident while never really getting hurt? Again, Natsuki's coping mechanism is ignorance: if he doesn't acknowledge Syo telling him to stop clinging or calling him cute, then things are okay.

Communication very important to him despite everything, and it's something he loves doing through music, it's when making music that he feels the most free in doing so. Satsuki mentions it in a quote way above, but here are some more lines he has that illustrate this also: "I don’t want to miss one note of a melody you’ve spun to life. I want to feel all of you. What you have here isn’t just music notes lined up next to each other. It’s your heart… I refuse to disregard it." "Feel me and my music… Go with your feelings and let the piano sing… That way, we’ll surely become one. We can communicate heart to heart."

He's obsessed with the idea of being relied on, (linked to, I imagine, his fixation on being strong, and his need to feel useful to his surroundings to feel secure in relationships, the way that the teacher wanted his song for herself more thant she wanted to keep her relationship with him positive. He was betrayed before so he needs to have proof someway somehow that he's liked), to a bit of a guilttrippy point. "Am I not dependable enough?" He says in Repeat in the forest, to have her ride on his back.

And then, he ofc has a big insecurity around loss and the past, regaining what was lost (Which is seen a lot in the gestures that he asks of Haruka, to be able to feel like she does like him- like calling him Natsuki, or like having her ride on his back or not refuse his touch). At the end of the day he does have massive enneagram 9 energy with everything he does… iykyk. Hmm, 972 tritype for sure imo

He cares a lot about symbolical gestures. And on that note: Names are a big thing to him. Seen especially in how in Repeat, he keeps asking Haruka again and again for her to call him Natsuki instead of Shinomiya-san, something she has a hard time doing because calling someone their first name is a huge show of intimacy, and Haruka is shy and likes taking such things slow. The first thought when this comes up is that he wants to differentiate himself from Satsuki, but by the time he shows this fixation on getting called his first name it's much before he shows any inkling of knowing about Satsuki- But being seen as who he is, him the individual before his family, and what I believe the most personally- like with being very touchy- it's a craving for intimacy. It's that need for intimate gestures that he shows with other things as well, I believe.

Conclusion

Do it scared if you have to, but do it. Bravery can't exist if it isn't accompanied by fear or risk. By god, be like Syo, stand for what's worth it to you, even if you have to do it shaking.

Even stars, even the sun will die one day. But sunshine, sandcastles, snowflakes, they're all worth living for.

This is a sentiment the whole of Utapri supports, recognizes and accepts: Nothing is forever, and there's beauty in that too. We're all in the present moment for the present moment, forever isn't needed, we're all just cicadas, just sandcastles, just snow, aren't we? We're beautiful. We don't need forever. The music is even more beautiful than kiss, come experience both with us, isn't it so nice to be alive?

The whole of Utapri supports the beauty in the lack of eternity, that is... Except Cecil. AND THAT'S THE TOPIC NEXT BIG UTAPRI POST SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!

EVERYTHING IN UTAPRI ALWAYS ENDS UP FULL CIRCLE!! TRUST TRUST TRUST!! YOU COULD EVEN CALL IT... AN ACT OF FAITH...! Start worshipping Cecil now, all hail Aijima

Personally, with DID narratives, I always recommend Moon Knight! This fansong for it, Man in the Mirror, is written by someone plural about the conflicting feelings while and after discovering you're a system, and I associate it with Ai and Aine a lot, it's even in my playlist for Ai. I also recommend this newer song, Personhood, that I associate more with Natsuki and Satsuki if I had to say. Ai was my hyperfixation for a while lol forgive my incessant rambling~ but I also greatly recommend Heat Abnormal if you want to get emo

Read the utapri VNs if this was interesting! Even Black Garden has stuff to say about the characters. I heart them all. I know Aine makes a comeback in After Secret, but I haven't been able to read it yet...

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