48 hours later and having had some time to process, it still does sting but I can understand it as well. You are always allowed to call off any relationship for any reason, and it is honorable to tell the other person if/when things are proceeding at a pace you are not ready for. For those with mental illness, seeing your partner shining bright and vibrant can be incredibly triggering to all of the negativity you hold inside, and that can shine a spotlight on the things about yourself you desperately want to change. Sometimes no one is wrong, but it is better to be apart anyway, because while you make the effort to improve the things you hate you may feel the need to shoulder it alone. You may feel the need to improve as an individual before being able to improve as a partner. And such partnerships require you to be okay sharing the ugly parts of yourself- and if you cannot become vulnerable in this way, then perhaps it truly is best for you to split.
I’m not angry. I am sad. But I will be okay, because I know it was nothing that I did wrong, and nothing that he did wrong, simply that being happy with me and seeing me comfortable in my own skin showed him how much he wasn’t happy with himself, and he wanted to fix that before he committed longterm to anyone.
And in the end, I hope he finds the answers he needs. I hope he is able to make the strides he wants. I hope he can dig deep within himself and make peace with whatever he finds that he can’t change. I hope he can change what he is able to, for the better.
These 6ish months have been the best relationship I’ve ever had. The most satisfying, the most fulfilling, the most fun. He will be a hard one to follow. But I think, in a way, we showed each other what we yearn for both in a partner and in ourselves, and we enabled each other to heal from certain traumas that were on our backs as burdens.
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