sunflowersandbluebirds

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

I am quite frankly a little sick of the comments about my attitude and myself, when others continue to be disrespectful to me. I am ‘sassy’, I don’t accept feedback. That is complete rubbish. When I finally start protecting myself, my energy, my time, my mind - this shit gets thrown my way. This is why I don’t talk to colleagues. This is why I am skeptical of everyone. This is why I don’t trust people. Say one thing to my face and then another behind my back. Wants to be best friends with me and secretly whispering about me.

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

I feel like I am pretending. The reason I am finding all of this is so hard, is that I’ve set up this false life with all these markers that I know what I am doing. I am not good at this. I don’t feel like my life is genuine. I have a kitchen table with chairs. I have a couch, carpet and coffee table. I have a coffee machine. My home office set up. Bookshelves. A car. A rental house. Society tells us we need these things and I’ve gone after them, but it feels laborious with the upkeep. I struggle with the day to day management of my life and home. I struggle with basic communication. I struggle with the pre-conceived expectations of what life is “supposed” to be that I am trying to live upto.

What is it to be authentic? What is it to be genuine? I’m learning it is stop to be such a people pleaser. Deal with the reality of today, not what I expect it to be. Deal with what’s in front of me. The more I try to control my reputation, my life, my emotions – the less control I actually have over them.

I don’t want work to be my whole life. I want work to be the thing that helps me live and do the things I want to do, I don’t want to live to work. Maybe that means returning to Sydney to be with my family, not miss out of things.

It means painting, it means drawing. It means playing the violin, guitar and piano. It means learning Gurmukhi and embracing my Punjabi Sikh heritage. It means dressmaking, embroidery, crochet. It means gardening, growing and plants. It means cooking for nourishment and pleasure. It means taking care of my skin. It means taking care of my body. It means exercising for health and for fun. It means hiking, it means swimming. It means fucking about and fucking up, not being so perfect all the time. It means stop pursuing professional and educational achievements for a while. It means being okay with being mediocre. Mediocrity is not the devil. Hukam is the goal and Hukam is whatever I want it to be.

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

It has been a hard couple of days, this weekend I haven’t left the house, not even just for a walk. I’ve struggled to get out of bed. It took so much effort to shower and wash my hair. I go through this often enough in my life, but it’s been a while since this has happened. I wasn’t eating yesterday because I could not, I didn’t have the strength to make anything. 

In terms of what I need right now, I need a checklist of easier meals to prepare so that I actually eat. Ways to get out of it. They are locked somewhere in my brain, I do know this information but just can’t access it.

[aspiritualwarrior]

If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person. then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.

Harbhajan Singh Yogi (via aspiritualwarrior)

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Sibling relationships

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/12/why-does-my-younger-sister-hate-our-older-sister

[macrolit]

To be kind is more important than to be right. Many times, what people need is not a brilliant mind that speaks but a special heart that listens.

F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940) American writer (via macrolit)

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Old jobs and new job

After leaving my last job, I feel like I should be a little nervous about starting my new one in a couple of days. I wasn’t doing well in my last job and I left, they were not supportive and I was running myself down. I don’t know why I fought for my job when they tried to fire me. I ended up quitting two days later.  I was struggling being a lawyer and I didn’t know what I wanted. The job I had before that one, was pretty traumatic and the assholes at that job can all suck it. (They were awful, they cost me another role only two months ago.) But at my last job I needed support and training, which they knew before they hired me, but then they took that off the table. I took that job because I was looking for any job. I didn’t really care about working there, I just needed to work.

This new role though, I love the people and the culture already. I’ve meet three partners, a senior associate and the HR lady - all so nice and lovely. I think the two partners I’ll be reporting to will push me to be the best I can be. In my first role as a lawyer I had superiors like this - people who pushed me to do my best and brought the best out of me. I still talk to some of those guys - from 2 years ago. I also did everything and more to get this new role. I flew to a different state to do the second interview (on my own dime), I maintained a positive relationship with the HR lady so she was on my side and I gave them examples of my ability to draft (which they didn’t ask for). 

I maintained positivity and enthusiasm for this role. I didn’t have to fake it once, I was genuinely excited at the prospect of getting this role. I waited by my phone for four weeks, I did not let it out of my sight while waiting for their decision. The HR lady kept apologising for how long it was taking but she was excited to tell me when I got the role. I get the feeling she wanted me to get this role, after what my references told me. It seems like the universe gave this to me - I got a good referee (complete angel!) from that job with all those assholes, sorted all the transportation and flights to get there and went above and beyond to get this role.

The funny thing is that I am not nervous about starting this role. After two such sucky jobs, you’d think I’d be jaded. Though, I’m actually more excited for any role that I’ve ever gotten. For the first time I know what I want, what I am worth, what I can contribute and that I am actually a good candidate to have in a law firm. Four firms requested interviews with me, in a market that is notoriously bad for juniors right now. And this firm is wanting to train people, I confirmed that with them multiple times. I did not fluff my abilities at all - as evidenced in those draft subs I gave them - and told them while I have some knowledge, I am looking for more training. 

I kicked ass in getting this job. I was one of two people they wanted and they chose me, the out-of-state candidate. B*tch, I’ve already won. And the thing is, I’m not the kind of person who has ever celebrated their own achievements, but this - this I will and have been doing. Because, it doesn’t feel like a miracle that I got this. I did everything to get it and the universe responded to give it to me. Moving for this job has made leave my family, which is what I needed. I get to be independent, rely on myself and prove to myself that I can take care of myself.

I’m not nervous, I’m exhilarated. 

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Denied pleasures

It is amazing how I denied taking part in things and denied myself simple pleasures because of what other people - mainly my sisters and other bullies at school - would think of me. Feminine things were always considered conceited and shallow (see internalised misogyny here). I read this comment online about Elle from Legally Blonde and how she was able to prove she could overcome any thing she set her mind to without completely changing the femme things about herself. I’m certainly no fashion merchandising major, (and that episode of The Office (US) where they slam Legally Blonde is coming to mind) I do like this about heroines in media.  Maybe, in some ways I am a basic b*tch for liking romantic comedies and chick-lit, loving Beyonce, wanting to have good skin and wanting children. But I don’t care, people who think that of me can f*ck off really (who doesn’t love Beyonce??). 

I do have some alternate opinions from basic b*tches, my favourite Austen is Persuasion, not Pride and Prejudice. I prefer the US version of The Office better, but I didn’t like Jim that much. I’ve always hated Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Ariel from The Little Mermaid. I remember watching these movies in the cinema as a kid thinking it was creepy that these girls had to be away from their families and change themselves to be with men. I did dream of Belle’s library and I loved the water, so I thought it was insane that Ariel wanted to give up being a mermaid.

This is now a rant about Disney, which this wasn’t supposed to be (fyi my favourite has always been Mulan). It’s just that for years, it was popular opinion to hate mainstream things and be alternative, and yes I grew up during the phase where being emo was considered cool. Most people who were emo during those days were just struggling to find themselves. But, that whole hatred of things in the mainstream really affected a lot of people and kept them away from discovering themselves and things that they loved. To make a light-hearted example, I ‘hated’ Harry Potter because everyone was talking about it and I wanted to be different. This was around the time when the first movie was coming out. When my Mum did buy me the first book however i LOVED it. (Still do! Still obsess about it, and will be seeing the play later this year). 

To make my point, in a round about way, when I started ignoring what people thought and started thinking for myself - some people did not like it. One time when I was teaching my Mum sudoku, my sister told me I was being high and mighty. When I began to love Parks and Recreation, said sister wouldn’t watch it (because it was mainstream, because I watched it) despite being an avid fan of The Office. Now, the same sister wants to watch The Mindy Project, which is definitely mainstream and a show that I have already watched.  My point being that a lot of people deny themselves basic pleasures and connecting with other people because they’re afraid of being judged because they’re afraid of being judged. Like, I crochet. I don’t care that crocheting may make me look like a spinster in my twenties (and I can go into a whole feminist essay about the use of derogatory stereotypes to marginalise and oppress women, but I’m not). I am open about everything and have developed a thick skin. No one has the balls to give me sh*t anymore about the things I like, perhaps because I am now in my twenties and I give off a IDGAF attitude now.  But indulging in ‘silly’ things, making my own items, reading chick-lit and watching mainstream TV shows makes me happy. It gets my mind off of things, my past, stresses of my job and family. I mean I’m an immigration lawyer with a parent having multiple heart surgeries, I have a lot on my mind. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to care about other people’s judgement. When life has dealt you a whole lot of sh*t to face, you become more resilient.

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Expectations for myself

With mental illness never not being a part of my life, I think I have to reevaluate the expectations and goals I have for myself. It is not possible for me to do certain things. It just isn’t possible. I can’t do anything and everything I put my mind to and wish for. 

I don’t get a do-over in life. What happened when I was a kid, happened. I can’t erase it. Now it is time to accept that and adjust my perspective to achieve some stability in life. In my employment, in my housing, in my finances, in my mental health. 

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

No such thing as motivation

There is no such thing as motivation for me. There is no spark that will set me going, no quote or person that can get me moving. It is a quiet sort of nagging that tells me to do something, but yet I don’t because ‘I haven’t the motivation to start yet.’ 

It’s not about getting the motivation to start. It is about starting and getting the darn thing underway and by the time your in the middle of it you realise that you need to finish.

Be what you think is perfect, or as bloody close as you can get to that image of perfect. Always keep trying to get there - because it constantly changes. The constant strive for self-improvement doesn’t make you weak, it means you are aware of things about yourself you want to change. The willingness and strength to follow through each time will make you great.

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Always be gracious

I’ve always been in two minds about how to act in life. If I’m too caring people will take advantage of me and I embarrass myself, if I’m too hard people think I’m a bitch and I embarrass myself. 

Putting it all into perspective, it is always better to be kind. Why do I be like the people who hurt me and dismissed me? I thought that’s how people act and that I should be like everyone them because they were bigger and more powerful than me, and I wanted to be strong and powerful. 

But, why do I want to be like the crowd? Deep down, I’ve always thought this but I’ve suppressed it thinking it was better to blend in so that nobody thought I was different from them. Though, the best people I’ve encountered in my life have been the people that never did. 

All of the women and men I admire are masters of their own lives and have done extraordinary things. Past bosses, current mentors, artists, writers - they are all creators not followers. And I want to be unique. So while seeking guidance is always well and good, I need to trust in myself that I may sometimes already know the answers or can find them without anybody else’s influence.

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Be apart from the competition

Being exceptional is going to take dedication and self-belief. Self-doubt is always present and I need to push through it. Things always seem so overwhelming when I think about all the things I need to do. But, I need to start somewhere and while I might not be able to move fast and get things done as soon as I like, I just need to start. 

The book I’m reading is saying that it is not enough to be passionate and remain conventional. It says in order to implement your passion and enjoy your career, you have to distinguish yourself. You need to stand out.

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Goals

1. Get another job

2. Commit to lifestyle change through diet and exercise regime

3. Move out

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Choosing the right path

I’m often in two minds about who I want to be. Not just two minds, multiple minds, there are so many types of paths I can choose to follow.

Career

Should I pursue staying in not-for-profit work and working for vulnerable people? 

Or, should I try to go corporate? Have some job security, fit the family dynamics and have money to be safe and secure?

Or, should I try for government jobs? Try to be someone important and effect real change in the world?

Each has their pros and cons. If I was a truly selfless person I would stay in not-for-profit, no question, and that’s where I am in my mind to be right now.

However, corporate is becoming an option to get real training and support from a company that is willing to invest in me. I’ve never had that before. Going corporate would potentially allow me to see the world and travel. Not-for-profits will always have funding issues and I would always be staying in something small. 

I’ve always wanted to work for the federal government, but after what I have seen them do I don’t think I could live with myself.

I’ve always wanted to do something, and be someone who is, honourable. My dream job at this moment, would be a UN fieldworker. 

Lifestyle

I’ve always wanted to be someone glamourous. I’ve always thought that meant to be fashionable, beautiful and effortless. The thing is though that I have never been glamourous. I’ve always felt out of place wearing makeup, having my hair done or wearing high heels. 

This always makes me question why I try to aspire to things that are beyond my reach. Like government jobs and corporate jobs and NFP. Like why I went beyond my reach to become a lawyer. 

I’ve always wanted to be something more than average, I’ve wanted to be the best. That’s private school competition for you. I expect perfection from myself but I have often fell short. 

I didn’t get in the 90s for my UAI, I only a Credit average for my law degree not a Distinction average, I got my drivers licence on my second attempt.

I’ve muddled my way through my life. 

I’ve decided though that I am going to be happy. I don’t know what that means or which path I should take. I do know where to start though.

[sunflowersandbluebirdss]

Beginnings and Endings

When you can’t rely on yourself, how can you expect to succeed in the world?

I read an old Chinese proverb today, “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the next best time is today.”

I want to be happy for the first time in my life. No negativity. No excuses.

I know what I need to do to be happy. I need to decide who I want to be and follow that path. The first thing I know that will make me happy is to be healthy. I am not going to let anything hold me back from achieving the things I want to do in life.  

I want to have something for myself. I’m worried about somebody finding this, but perhaps one day when I trust someone enough I will show them these posts.