Letters To The Universe @sunnysidesutch - Tumblr Blog

January 15, 2024 8:56 AM

To Whom It May Concern,

Today is my sister's 26th birthday- the first of 4 of us to be born, with me following behind her 2 years later. Of course, I sent her a cliche, long text message involving my everlasting love for her and my gratitude towards all that is yet to come for her.

As I sit here, switching sips between my probiotic peppermint tea and my morning matcha, I cannot help but realize the parallels of life. Of course, realizing that life is a never ending repetition of itself is something I do every day (and i say this in the lost painfully literal way possible).

Following my emotional, annual, lengthy message to her, I shared '26' by Paramore with her- a song from their resurgence in 2017. It doesn't require a deep dive to realize that it is about Hayley's feelings of seeming small, defenseless, and hopeless as someone she loves crunches her down to almost nothing. Within this pain, there is a revival in realizing that, sometimes, holding on to hope is all you need to get yourself up and out. I shared this with my sister because I have lost count of the times she has let men minimize her and emotionally and mentally squish her down to nothing. To be honest, I have lost track of the times I let this happen to myself, as well. I think I tell my sister things in hopes that she will listen and out of fear that I am just looking in to another mirror, another parallel in life.

This whole interaction was upwards of maybe a 10 minute back and forth text conversation, but of course, I will sit and ponder it for, probably, the rest of the morning. It is incredibly devastating to want the best for the people you love while simultaneously watching them commit to the complete opposite. To say that I fear getting sucked up in to the tornado that is our long line of finding comfort in similar family trauma is an understatement. Just like Hayley, I find it incredibly terrifying to let go of all that is so familiar, and I know for a fact that my family has all felt the same emotional chains on their feet that have kept them planted in the same spots that get them nowhere.

I wonder when my sister will learn, if ever.

And even more terrifying, I wonder when I will learn.

If ever.

xoxo

#towhomitmayconcern #writing #journal

December 28, 2023- 2:01 pm

To Whom It May Concern,

I am at a loss for words, but not really. I’m starting to think I am back to just not wanting to see what spirals around my head on paper. Writing it down brings life to it, but I am exhausted by the tantalizing thoughts that fill this space beneath my thick skull.

New Years is quickly approaching, and I find myself almost in the same spot as I was this time last year. However, I no longer have one of my bestest friends and the friends that accompanied him. I didn’t realize setting boundaries would mean they are no longer a central part of my life. I don’t know what’s worse- setting boundaries, or going back to the same person that crushed me like an empty aluminum soda can.

I’m sure I shouldn’t have gone back so quickly. I wanted things to be different, to be slow. However, I am feral before I am a woman, and lord knows crawling back under him was something I grew to want again.

“I got the things I wanted, it’s just not what I imagined.”

I do not know what I was really expecting out of every choice I have made this year. I’m disappointed with myself all around the board. But who should I be upset with? The person who assisted in my gaslighting, myself for allowing it to happen, or the other person, whom I loved dearly, that could no longer handle me along with all of their mess? Is it even worth being upset with anybody at all? I want my best friend back, but not at the expense of him hurting. As much as he pushed my buttons, we always had a great time together; except towards the end. It was nice feeling like a little village, all of us together. Now, it’s just back to “me and him”- 3 words that make sense to maybe just me.

I simply need to understand that I cannot have everything I want in this world. I want my lover. I want one of my bestest friends back. I want to learn piano and the guitar. I want to keep up with writing and read more books. I want to get into making crafts I can sell on the side. I want, I want, I want. Overall, I had a wonderful year of feeling every emotion, and creating beautiful memories and trying to do right for myself, but that does not mean I can’t still be lost in the fog of it all. I am grateful I had a year of fun with my closest friends, I owe them everything for keeping me grounded in a time where all I wanted to do was fall apart (and, I did. A lot). I wish every year could be like 2023 as far as where I went and the fun things I did that did not always revolve around getting hammered. I’m grateful that I found the courage to seek out help for my sanity- therapy and medication. The two things I had always dreaded the most were actually the two things I needed more than anything (well, therapy is nice, but I was definitely given advice that threw me off of my course. I’m working on it). It was nice to feel peace amongst my sadness, and it was nice to be so loved. However, I am still ending this year with a boulder on my chest, and I cannot breathe. I hope 2024 brings abundance, love, light, happy moments, and new adventures into my life and everyone around me that I love so very much.

Xoxo

#towhomitmayconcern #writing

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Growing up in the world

is just navigating inevitable heartbreak

and beautiful glimmer moments.

I can tell by my 7 year old sister crying by my mother's sadness.

I can tell by the tears that stream from my grandmother's face-

a woman who has never shown an ounce of weakness.

I can tell by the loss of a 16 year old boy

a son, a cousin, a nephew, a human being, indefinitely gone too soon.

There is beauty in sadness,

for my sister watching my mother's sadness in real time

hopefully teaches her that it is okay to be vulnerable

and, although the feeling of watching someone you cannot help

cuts like a knife with no safety guard,

I hope it teaches her that it is okay

to not know what to do other than love the other person.

Sometimes, that is all they need you to do.

The beauty of watching my grandmother

break through her stone-cold persona

feels similar to a relief.

Even the strongest people grow weak.

The horrible beauty in the loss of a wonderful boy

is knowing that he is no longer hurting.

The worst that was yet to come, has came and left

and we are all still breathing

and loving a boy who deserved painless peace.

You cannot have beauty without pain.

You cannot have the gold without the black.

Inevitable heartbreak and glimmering moments are all that we have in this life.

I don't know if I will survive all of the heartbreaks

that I still have trailing close behind me.

However, as long as I grow wiser

and find something to love within all of the turmoil

I guess I have no choice

but to be beautifully, brokenly okay.

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#LetterstotheUniverse #writing #poetry

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I am hardly ever right about the future, and I am very grateful for that. I hope that means that, although I am so convinced I will find myself 60 years old with nothing but regret and a tiny apartment, my life will be full of everything beuautiful.

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#LetterstotheUniverse #writing

what should've been said November 1st

It's November, and I can feel the air turning more frail- a magnitude of a difference from October's crisp. I can see my room lit up from how white the snow is outside of my windows. I can see all the layers I have to put on just to get a good night sleep. I can smell my tea getting cold on my coffee table, and I continue to see the road in front of me , like an endless tunnel. The path, once paved with beautiful, glimmering arrays of green and hazy pinks, now just looks... rotten? It looks rotten. The path to the future is in front of me, but it is so narrow when you really look at it. It is so narrow, and the longer it goes, the more twisted the ends of the trees become, as if they are curling into themselves out of timidness. The greens are shifting to a dull, dry, dim hue. As the road treads on, the life flees. I am not moving. I am just standing here, staring down this tunnel. "I can do this" is now telling me to grab the gun and pull the trigger.

You can't wipe the sleight clean of your life and start again. You can become as new as you want to, but your past will always live inside of you.

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#LetterstotheUniverse #writing

November 20, 2023 5:02 pm

To Whom It May Concern,

It has been some time. I still haven't figured out if I haven't written out of pure laziness or if I am just too afraid to face myself- once again. I seem to be having epiphany after epiphany, a never-ending string of realization. I am trying to be grateful, but I feel more stuck than anything.

Maybe I just don't have the guts to make my thoughts coherent. So many things have happened, that I don't even know where to begin. However, I do know this- I am tired of using everyone else's lives to dictate my own. By this, I mean, I am tired of comparing what other people have, don't have, have gone through, have not gone through, to myself in order to lead my way. On Friday, my mother told me, "I thought it would be a good idea because, when you'd talk about how you felt protected, it reminded me of Louie."

That was when I realized I have used the examples of others to instigate my nonsense for far too long. Regardless of how my mother felt towards my, used to be, stepfather, they are no longer together. Quite frankly, there are just the kind of mess I am striving so hard to avoid. Hayley Williams had been oblivious to Taylor York's love for her for YEARS, and hasn't been more comfortable in herself or her relationship since she finally embraced the fact that just maybe they were always meant for each other. I thought that was beautiful, but it is its own love story. That is not mine. Not everything has to mean something. At one point, not long ago, I thought otherwise. This belief created a lot of trouble in my life and a whole lot of guilt living inside my bones. I have learned that my life is my life, and just because other people realized that the love of their life was their best friend the whole time does not mean the same applies to me. Just because I have a connection with someone does not mean they are my soulmate. And, jesus christ, if some of the people in my family like hanging out any romantic partner I have- RUN!

Given the unfortunate chains of events in my life, I had realized early on that I did not want someone like my father. What did that mean to me? I did not want someone who spat anger and hate at me more than singing kindness. I did not want someone that wouldn't bat an eye to putting their hands on me. I did not want someone who never saw the wrong they did. I did not want irrational, unpleasant, and cold. However, in the midst of trying so hard not to gravitate towards that, I gravitated happily to people that were just as much like everyone else in my family. However, I want a happy, fulfilling life. I want a comfy home full of real love and safe communication. I don't want to carry all of the weight. I do not want to take care of a man my whole life. I do not just want a partner who shows no resemblance to my father. I want a life that shows no resemblance to the life of anyone around me.

I have cleaned house of everything I wanted from love and everything I was forcing it to be. The moments that are 'just like the movies' are nothing when they are manipulated. They are just another scripted moment that only looks good to the viewers. I want my own love, in my own way.

Maybe this makes sense, and maybe it does not. I am trying to pour from a cup with its lid stuck on tight. The only way for it to come out is by prodding minuscule holes into the lid, allowing everything to slowly trickle out. Once it is all out, then it will make sense.

xoxo

#towhomitmayconcern #writing #journal

🤍

#LifeinSeasons #photos #selfies #slay

October 17, 2023- 4:14 pm

To Whom It May Concern,

I am afraid I do not know what I am doing, and I am even more afraid of the fact that I have known this for so long. I wish you could see choices play out before you make them, and I wish you could take back the ones that did not go as planned. However, if this was the case, the world would never do wrong. There would be no room for growth or self awareness, but karma would lay dormant, hungry for slip-ups. Maybe, where I am at now, is not about figuring out what to do next. Maybe, where I am now, is about fighting for myself and doing what is best for MYSELF. I realize that, as of now, I let people's counsel lead my life, and I have spent more of this year allowing it than not. 23 was supposed to be my jordan year. 23 was supposed to be when I got it together, created a better life for myself.

I wish I didn't think so far ahead, and I wish the voice in my head did not convince me it was more logical than it actually is. I have spent so much time being afraid of what was to come- May 16th, September 16th, October 13th. Everything has turned out quite the opposite of my expectations, so I do not know why I am always expecting the worst. I celebrated the life of Tyler at the boys' house, something I had hoped to do, but was hardly expecting to come to fruition. It was nice, but I would be lying if I said I did not feel like an object at some point. I was just so happy to see everyone and be together again. Tyler really brought us all back together, and I definitely did not expect such a great night. However, I kept being told, "don't fall for it." That hurt. I would like to think I know better by now than to fall back into the trap of someone who I couldn't tell whose blood was whose on our hands.

I know better.

But, do I? I thought I knew better, but I let the world tell me how I should feel, and I took it and ran with it, convincing myself it was what I wanted. It was never what I wanted. Curious? Maybe. But what I wanted? Not at all. I wanted my best friend, and I was hurting at the emotional loss of the love of my life, and I was listening instead of thinking for myself. I love them both, but slightly differently. In a perfect world, this all ends well. I would love to think that, anyways. However, this is real life, and I would be insane to think that any of this ends cordially. However, a girl can dream.

xoxo

#ToWhomItMayConcern #journal #writing

please do not pry the optimism from my bones, for I have realized this sliver of light is all I have left

#LetterstotheUniverse #writing

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If one day you find us head-to-head

the last survivors of a metaphorical war

I pray you spare my life

and let me finish out my days

wallowing in self loathing

Because I know that is what I deserve

You see, you always knew how to hurt me

But I always knew how to cut you deep.

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#LetterstotheUniverse #writing #poetry #reflection

October 09, 2023- 4:37 pm

To Whom It May Concern,

I have grown irritable and exhausted- as if I could sink any deeper into this pool of pessimism and self-doubt. I went to the doctor on Friday. I told him that I am doing everything that I can. I take my vitamins- 11 different kinds. I go to yoga, I workout, I eat healthy. I let myself cry when I need to, although these days it seems these tears spill out of me more and more. I'm surprised I have any left. I told him that I write, but I left out the part where, lately, I'd rather sulk in bed with the sheets gripped tightly around me than allow my fingers to speak my truth onto paper. I don't know why I am so afraid of myself and the world. Although these thoughts fill my head like pouring concrete onto a broken road, I can't bare to read them.

After 20 minutes of listening to me talk about how living just seems more dreadful every day I wake up, he gave me an antidepressant to try. It has only been 4 days, but I am afraid they won't work. No amount of antidepressants are going to bring you back to me.

I am afraid that the world is out to get me. The last decision I made for myself was back in April, when I finally decided that no contact was what was best for me. I guess it wasn't right to do what I did- what on earth was I thinking. However, he made it all seem like such a dream- reassuring me every chance he got and reminding me of how you and I weren't in your cards of life, anymore. Some call it selfishness, disgusting, even. I would call it that. However, I would also call it being naive. I allow people to influence any sort of decision I make for myself and my life because I am so unsure. Every choice I have made for myself put me right back in the wrong side of the maze, but so does every decision someone else makes for me. Who am I supposed to trust these days?

Friday is Tyler's 6 year anniversary, and I have no plans to see anyone. I'm not comfortable with the way anything is. I'm not even comfortable in my own room anymore. I know I'm not deep enough to let all of the castles I have built for myself come crumbling down, but man does dosing it all in gasoline and lighting a match seem so excruciatingly appealing.

anyways, xoxo

#ToWhomItMayConcern #writing #journal entry

Shedding Skin

Shedding skin

is supposed to be a second chance

A trophy for growth.

To grow so much that you no longer fit

inside the new skeleton of yourself

To release what once was

and make room for all that is yet to come

But I have been shedding skin for 6 months now

just making room for what is yet to come

and looking under rocks for it

But I no matter how much skin I shed

the parts of me that hold your finger prints

Never fall off.

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#LetterstotheUniverse #writing #poetry

I don't understand how a heart can hurt so much, and it's only one sided.

you can't tell me you don't feel this pain, too.

#LetterstotheUniverse #writing #poetry

October 1, 2023- 2:36 pm

To Whom It May Concern,

October has arrived, and I have never been more terrified. I have always loved October- the way the leaves shift their shade and the air grows crisp. October has always been the perfect opportunity to embrace pumpkin spice and apple cider everything. However, almost 7 years ago, I let myself attempt to be the anchor for a family I would still die for to this day. I don't regret a thing, but it is terrifying to know that, this year, I will be celebrating a life that lives on beyond in solitude.

As much as I would love to let my words flood out of me like a broken dam, I am afraid that the release of the rapture will cause detrimental damage. Sometimes, no string of words sounds adequate enough to correspond with my emotions. However, it is October 1st, and I can already feel myself fighting for my life. So, I write.

I was driving home with someone who is very special to me. I was, mostly, silent- simply listening to his emotional rambling and his every other, "you know what I mean?"

Yes, I do know what you mean. I know what you mean, and then some.

Of course, we brought up Tyler. Everything always comes back to him, and I never mind. We talked about that night, but not in too much detail. Despite having everything unfold right before my eyes, I never did feel as though it was my place to mourn someone I wished I knew better. However, sentimentals and understandings came out of your mouth, and, for the first time, I felt truly acknowledged.

Despite my moment of weakness in sending him a SOS via the old facebook, you told me he knew how great my efforts were. You told me he loved me, and you knew that I loved him just as much as I love everyone else in that family. Reassurance I did not even realize I needed.

It was true, what you said. I did love him just as much as I loved everyone else. I did do everything I ever could for your brother, and it broke my heart knowing I was putting all my eggs in one basket, and I let Tyler slip through the cracks. Every so often, I think about that night and that day. It seems like a daily occurrence once October rolls around. It's as though I am living in the present, but the past flickers in front of my eyelids like a horrid film. If only Tyler came with us, like he was supposed to.

Watching a family lose a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, and a best friend is never easy. I will never forget going down in to that basement. I will never forget the way their mother fell to her knees in the driveway. I will never forget that I grabbed everything of my ex's that I could find before the cops searched the house. I will never forget going down to that police station or having hamburgers for dinner from McDonald's. I watched my ex mourn his bestest friend, and, despite not fancying them in the slightest, I sat next to him that night and shared hamburgers with him so he would eat.

October reminds me of a life that didn't get a chance to see how beautiful the other side of struggle was. This October also reminds me of a love that was so incredibly real and powerful- and how I no longer have that person I shared so much trauma with, and how he is spending it with someone else.

I will always want the best for the man who was supposed to be my forever, and I will always remember October as a month of great loss and strength. I would love nothing more than to sit curled under my blanket until the frosty chill of November arrived. However, the world keeps on spinning and the days don't stop for anyone. So, as long as this heart is still beating, I will hold my memories close, and I am going to live.

Here's to getting through October. And, Tyler, wherever you are, we miss you dearly, buddy.

xoxo

#ToWhomItMayConcern #journal #writing