it's 4am rn and im tired but i just wanna address, like, every single person who didn't get a chance to know me as i am now, and had to know an apollo that hated himself and made it everyone's problem, including the people that loved him the most
fuck, im sorry. i genuinely fucked up a lot of good shit in the past and it is all almost 100% on me.
i hurt people that loved me and drove them to cutting contact with me, i hurt people that loved me and still wanted to stay in touch with me and drove them away completely. i hurt random strangers online because of all the chronically online hateful incel shit i posted when i was actively on here
man i sucked as a person and i don't know if i stopped sucking or if i just started roleplaying as a good person or what, but i feel like things have gotten a lot better
for one i don't want to die every single day anymore, for two i don't think im unlovable anymore, and for three it seems like i'm a better person than i used to be
i guess it was because of a lot of little changes, hrt, cutting my time online, talking to real people in real life, working more on my art and selling my art, being less of a hermit on the internet and finding my people on other platforms, accepting love from others instead of actively trying to make them change their mind about me, etc
one kinda roleplays as a good person until it works. i guess i apologize a lot more sincerely nowadays instead of begging for forgiveness like i used to do every time i fucked up. i guess i also make a greater effort now, i guess i also swallow my shame and pride and try to connect with as many people as possible. seriously, i've made friends at the fucking bus because they pointed out my tenna itabag and i just HAD to get their instagram
i guess i'm just sad about everyone who had to know the little asshole i used to be and not the apollo i am now. i still have a long way to go and i don't feel like im perfect but i've gotten better, i wish i could apologize to everyone one by one but i just have to say a general "i'm sorry" and hope you can all apply it to whatever you feel fits, whether it's big or small or whether you forgive me or not, i just want to say i genuinely am sorry.