Sunshine

23. Bisexual. Biracial.

[sunshinepd]

I talked to my dietitian from home care yesterday, and she’s very concerned about my food and fluid intake, and how they’re both so low due to not being able to get things and keep things down. She wants to open the discussion with my doctor about a possible feeding tube (I think an NJ is what she has in mind) as I wait for my internal medicine appointment. 

I don’t have a problem with the feeding tube itself, I think I’d benefit a lot from it. My problem lies in the fact that while parts of my disability are very visible, my illnesses are not, and having it become that visible takes something away from me that I might need. My illnesses are mine, I can keep them hidden, tucked away for only my eyes, least I decide to show someone else, but with this, I lose that.

[sunshinepd]

me: sends a message

fp: doesn't reply

me: thats ok!!

fp: is online and talks to other people and doesn't reply to me

me, grossly sobbing on the floor: that s !! ok,,ay !,

[yourthoughtsspace-deactivated20]

[quietbpd]

i don’t know how to love non-obsessively

[m86-deactivated20171116]

tired of obsessing over people that aren’t obsessing over me! who lives like this

[bpd-boyle]

i, too, wish i wasn’t so angry, and yet

[aninnerconflict]

events and emotions: repressed as soon as i stop experiencing them

[bpdshitposts]

Me: I’m feeling like shit today :cc

FP: That sucks.

Me: Validation level 0%. Splitting iniciated.

[infernalbpd]

me: isnt showing every symptom, severely, all day, every day

brain: 

[sunshinepd]

She also told me to go to the ER (meaning call 911) if the chest pain happens again :/

[serotnin]

how come even when i’m productive i feel like i’m faking it and lying to myself

[sunshinepd]

I went to the doctors today and we talked about a few things:

Since my vomiting/nausea/throat issues are just getting worse, she’s referring me to an internal medicine specialist here who will hopefully have some more ideas. She also said I should take my Metoclopramide and Zofran together all the time to hopefully lessen my symptoms. We’re keeping me on the subcutaneous fluids for the time-being. 

She ordered an echocardiogram (April 19th) for my tachycardia and chest pain. She’s also referred me to the internal medicine specialist for this. She told me to go off my Arthrotec for a few weeks in case my stomach is causing my chest pain, not my heart.

She switched my Abilify to Seroquel.

She’s keeping me on Butrans instead of switching me to Fentanyl, hopefully, I’ll be able to afford it with my insurance change. 

[sunshinepd]

I went to therapy yesterday and for the first time, I brought a topic up to talk about. We talked about how, as a disabled person, people constantly interfere and try to help me with things I’m capable of doing and/or am already in the process of completing, and how I’m unable to speak up for fear of harassment/abuse. Also, we started talking about my problem with identifying myself as biracial, and the blowback I receive from the people around me. We didn’t get very far into it, but I have some questions to think about and we’ll continue next session. I finally asked if she was lgbt+ friendly and she said yes, so I feel much more comfortable talking to her about me being bi and nonbinary.

[sunshinepd]

Just threw up so violently that I threw up blood, nbd.

[ocean-butch]

thank god i’m gay, cause girls are hot af

[c-teardrops]

I want to be someone’s favorite person to talk to.

[sunshinepd]

brain: here's a good memory with someone who ended up really hurting you

me: why did you bring me this

brain: just because