shake it out

alexander / 21

[sunwieldsmercy]

already ten days deep in november 

why has this year happened so quickly

[sunwieldsmercy]

loving somebody and wishing that you didn't has got to be one of the saddest things in the world

[he4vyrain-deactivated20200904]

Seahaven - Plague 

[grimm-j0ws]

Visit Original Link

Am I the only one or am I just one of many? Because I need to know just how far you spread this suffering.

[sunwieldsmercy]

basically

[sunwieldsmercy]

everybody wants a reason for everything. it's so much easier with someone or something to blame. i've always struggled at the root of the problem. has it been absence or my constant lack of defense? i've never spent a lot on finding a remedy, i guess that i figured it hurt for a reason. i guess that's why i always turned to writing it down. i think the thing is that i shut off from everything. from friends and family and my own ambitions. sometimes things happen and you can't do anything. plus i'm the only one who deals with it anyway. i don't need opinions from those never a part of it. don't need them pointing out my problems, they're mine. don't need reminders, i know better than anyone. i know i should have moved on ages ago, been happy already, but it's never been that easy for me. or maybe it was me that made it so hard. i know i've only tried a handful of times to sever this thing torturing me. it never got me anywhere, with anyone. but looking back i may not have tried hard enough and it is my fault. maybe i never tried at all.

[ianplatero]

[sunwieldsmercy]

and all that you are is much more than what you call your worth you're who this is for, you're foremost don't forget, i love you

[sunwieldsmercy]

you taught me a lot of things. mostly about what it meant to feel shameful and cheap. something like the heartbreak of being addicted to cigarettes. because when i smoke i taste death and feel death and i smell it too. you taught me what it really felt like to be alone and missing and out of place especially when the air was heavy with smoke and i kept trying to keep my head up just to catch some fresh air, trying to make heavy lungs lighter. i have been writing letters in my head about the taste of youth and silly recklessness knowing that this has all just turned into cigarette burns across the pavement.

[sunwieldsmercy]

my blog is four years old and i've not grown at all

[pieceofgold]

Oh, I was … I was at home watching TV. Some nature program about elephants … and Skyler and Holly were in another room. I can hear them on the baby monitor. She was singing a lullaby. Oh, if I had just lived right up to that moment… and not one second more. That would have been perfect.

[sunwieldsmercy]

she goes distant in january. 

“you haven’t been happy in months,” she says.

”i don’t know what’s wrong with me,” you say.

“i feel like a bird in a cage,” she says.

“nothing i once loved makes me happy anymore,” you say.

“you need to go to the doctor,” she says.

“i feel like i’m losing it,” you say.

“we need to get out of this city,” she says.

“i feel like i’ve got a demon in my head,” you say.

“what do you need me for anymore?” she says.

“i feel like i’m already dead,” you say.

“you’re so selfish,” she says.

“don’t leave me,” you say.

don’t leave me, don’t leave me, you don’t leave me, don’t you leave me, don’t leave.

you hold her hand and say, “ok, ok sorry, so selfish, let’s go, ok let’s go. let’s just go, ok.”

[decemburrsuns-deactivated201409]

(I hide from everything)

[katez6]

[sunwieldsmercy]

sad / sad / sad

I am welcoming the New Year feeling sad and unusual. I am twenty years old and I don’t believe in love. I believe in poetry and the right song that breaks you every time it plays. The song that shakes you at your core and rattles your bones. I feel sad more often than I feel anything else. I don’t believe in burning love or the bits of it that can move you because nothing ever burned inside of me in the first place. I don’t find beauty in most things. I am the one that everybody hates. I am twenty and my mom still think that it is her fault that I am overwhelmed with sadness. But listen, this isn’t the saddest I have ever been.

[sunwieldsmercy]

been listening to sad songs again. trying to find happiness, wishing that all my hopes turn out right. trying to find warmth.. reaching for something in particular, but i can’t remember what it is i am reaching for. still trying to find the house i grew up in and now i'm having trouble finding my way back home. leaving is impossible when i know what i am leaving behind. i keep practicing my excuses.

[sunwieldsmercy]

Hear, here Ashley. Hear, here. We've just got to keep the dust off for a few more months, I think. And you're welcome for the advice. It's always nice to write those things because they're good reminders for myself as well. Be well, okay?

This has been lingering in my inbox for a year, maybe two? I need this now. 

[sunwieldsmercy]

remember those nights when i would drunkenly write poetry amongst the soft glow of my computer screen. remember when i thought i knew what it meant to feel. or when i prematurely searched for a way to live life. now i’m twenty and roughly 2,000 miles away from home and i have truly felt too much and lived life more than i could have ever anticipated. sometimes you can get a little too intoxicated on life. seven months ago i made a rash decision and i don’t think i will ever get out of debt with consequences. but sometimes you need life to shake you wide awake. i’m awake now. i never meant to sign up for this.