End of 15x03 but instead Cas rips into Dean like a savage, and Dean feels like a piece of shit (for my mental health)
Dean doesn’t know how he ended up here. He remembers one loss after another; but eventually they blurred together into a shit storm of grief and loathing. Self-loathing. And an inexplicable hostility for his once best-friend.
“The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this; something always goes wrong,” Cas says. Dean doesn’t look at him. He isn’t really listening, either. He just knows that the more Cas tries to explain, the more he feels like punching his own fist through a wall. They had a plan. Why didn’t Cas just stick to the damn plan?
“Yeah? Why does that something always seem to be you?” Dean says. He doesn’t know why he says it. Normally, Dean would regret saying something like that the second it left his mouth. But today, as he stares back at a stunned Cas, he feels nothing. Its hard to feel anything these days.
“You used to trust me,” Cas chuckles, devoid of humor, “give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can hardly look at me.” Dean looks deliberately into his eyes, as if to prove him wrong. Cas seems to take that as a challenge. He continues, saying, “I betrayed my people for you, Dean. I fell from heaven, gave up my wings. I have killed for you and Sam. I’ve died for you. And for what? So you could treat me like I mean nothing to you?”
“You still blame me for Mary,” Cas says. Dean feels his stomach twist into knots at the mention of her name. He clenches his fists, and is unable to deny Cas’s statement. “I know I made a mistake by not telling you about Jack. But I couldn’t have predicted he would do that to her. I didn’t know what not having a soul would do to him. Sam was soulless, and you didn’t give up on him either.”
Cas might be right, but Dean can’t change how he feels. Even if Cas didn’t mean for any of it to happen, Dean can’t even look at him without thinking he could have done something to prevent it.
A silence hangs in the air as Dean sneaks a glance up at Cas. They catch each other’s eyes; and in that moment Cas sees something. A persistent, deliberate emptiness.
“You blame yourself, Dean” he says quietly into the space between them. Dean immediately crosses his arms, defensive.
“Excuse me?” Dean says. There’s a threat in his tone.
“You always do. You just can’t take it this time, because it was Mary.” Cas sighs, as if thinking that he should have realized this a long time ago. “You finally had your mom in your life, and you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you admitted you felt responsible for losing her.”
“Fuck you, Cas. I didn’t know about Jack, I thought we could trust him! You, on the other hand-”
“I trusted him too, Dean!” Cas interrupts. “It was a mistake, but I did.” Cas pauses, and sizes up Dean’s closed off posture. “You know what, Dean? I’m starting to sound like a broken record just trying to talk to you. I’ve really tried, but you don’t want to listen.”
“You’re right, Cas. I don’t.” Dean says. Because knowing he’s being an asshole, has never stopped Dean from being an asshole before.
Cas lets out another unamused laugh, as if he would expect no less of Dean Winchester.
“Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say,” Cas says. He starts to walk towards the steps that lead out of the bunker. Dean’s almost glad to finally get out of this dead-end argument, when a horrifying thought pierces his mind.
“Where are you going?” Dean blurts. Cas turns back towards him. The look on his face is enough for Dean’s fear to be confirmed. Cas is leaving him again. Dean feels his heart sinking into his stomach. Its the first real thing Dean has felt in a long time.
“I am a celestial being,” Cas says. “I have been on this earth since the beginning of time. I dedicated my life to my work as an Angel, until I gave it all up because I believed in you.” With the floodgate now open, Dean is starting to feel the regret, and some more self-loathing, set in.
“Ever since then, I have been nothing but loyal to you and Sam,” Cas continues. “There were times I could have returned to heaven and regained their trust, but I didn’t. I chose to stay here, and help you. Every time.”
“I know.” Dean says, feeling tears he didn’t anticipate well up in his eyes. He keeps them at bay.
“No. You don’t. To every other angel or demon you find out there, you are a blip. You have existed for only a minuscule fraction of time, compared to us.” Cas pauses, assessing Dean. “But to me, you were different because you were my friend.”
Dean opens his mouth as if to speak, but closes it a moment later.
“So excuse me if I don’t want to stick around for the sole purpose of being your punching bag,” Cas says. Dean feels those last words like a knife in his chest.
“I think its time for me to move on,” Cas finishes.
As Cas leaves, Dean feels like he should say something, anything, to stop him. But nothing comes out. Mary is gone, Jack’s gone, and now Cas too. He finally drove away the last person he had in his corner outside of Sam.
And if Dean is honest, the only thing that keeps him from begging Cas to stay is the feeling that he deserves this.
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