It is about time that I finally face the facts. I have come to realize something rather important to those who actually care and are interested that pertains to exactly what is going on.
Since my first roleplay account on Tumblr, supercilious-ruler; a Loki blog that got somewhat well-known for an interesting twist of a post-Avenger but pre-Thor: The Dark Worlds Loki, that my enjoyment of Tumblr has been slowly but surely declining with time. It was not the fact that I was swamped with threads because (not trying to sling mud at other roleplayers out there) while other roleplayers found it difficult to handle such a number of threads I thrived on it. It was not even the steady stream of hate that I ended up getting after I reached about nine hundred followers, even though it did succeed in dampening my spirits after a while. Roleplay partners came and went, in-character relationships came and went, but I am someone who can easily separate in-character emotions and relationships from my own personal life. Yet still, something was slowly zapping away my desire to be active in the roleplaying community, though at first it was just the Avengers fandom. At first I simply thought it was because I was getting bored of my muse after playing them for so long, and my muse himself was completely fine with sharing the lime-light with another muse that I had wanted to test out.
So, in came philanthropic-pariah; my own personal take on a post-Avengers Tony Stark, and he was a near instant hit. At first I kept the fact that I was also a Tony Stark a secret, but as followers rolled in and I spent more and more time on Tony rather than on Loki people began to notice a similarity in the writing style. Finally someone messaged me anonymously on my Tony account and basically accused me of stealing my own writing style, though at the time they did not know the Supercilious Ruler was also the Philanthropic Pariah.
The jig, however, was up. –
Honestly I realize I could have lied about the fact that I was the mun of both blogs, stages some whole confrontation between myself and I, change my writing style and simply go about my life. For, while I still enjoyed being Super, I was enjoying myself more as Pariah. I thought it was because the muse was simply more fun to be: He was fresh, he was new, without the baggage of several failed relationships that were (at this point) flaunted in his face via anonymous messages on a daily basis. I really do not mean to quote a song but I truly could have had it all, in a sense. But I didn’t lie, because honestly why should Ihave to go through the fighting with myself over my own writing style?
So in the response to that anonymous accusation I basically came out and said that the reason why the writing styles were the same was because I was the mun of both blogs. Instantly people were near flocking from my Tony account to my Loki account and vice versa. And then, slowly, my enjoyment began to get zapped away once more.
Again I thought, because Pariah was getting up there in followers and the hate was still readily flowing where Super was concerned, I simply needed a new page to get my brain refreshed and ready to reply to all that I needed to. And it worked, to a point. I made new accounts, some that people knew of and some that people didn’t. I even made a blog specifically for where I would post drabbles that I was writing, because I did write a lot of drabbles as another way to keep myself enjoying my roleplaying experience. But now, with so many pages, I was finding that if I did not create multiple new pages my enjoyment would get zapped even quicker than when I had only one blog.
I thought, at the time, it was because things in my actual life were going to shit. My home life was suffocating me, my romantic life was causing me nothing but agony at that point, and my school work was suffering due to medical issues. So I decided that, until I got my real life together, I would put Tumblr aside. I deleted all of my blogs, even my personal, and for several months focused on myself for once. I kept in touch with good friends I had made, and when my life finally began to settle down and I switched from schoolwork to an actual job I realized that I missed roleplaying. I attempted old flames at first, even going as far as to attempt to re-join GaiaOnline, but in the end it all came back to Tumblr. I made notyouraveragemuses, my multi-muse blog, in hopes that maybe this way I would enjoy myself more and not have what happened before happen again. I had let people get me to believe that it was because I was spread too thin, even though I had everything mapped out and was able to flood dashboards with reply after reply so long as I wasn’t interrupted or my mood did not go from a five to a one in mere seconds. But maybe, just maybe I thought, this would be better.
And in a way it really was, I absolutely love the convenience of a multi-muse blog. However, almost instantly I realized that I was still losing my desire to actually be active, this time even quicker than before. I lost my desire to keep up with muse pages, I was losing my patience with those I roleplayed with, and it got to a point where after replying to a few people though I suppose you could call them favorites I would have no desire to reply to anyone else. It simply was not there.
The past two months, April to May, were the absolute worst in recent history where my Tumblr life forced its way into my real life. I suppose it was only so bad this time around because I had not fully recovered from all the shit that happened way back when in my Tumblr baby days, on top of the fact that my mother was still taking my engagement and moving out very poorly. I nearly lost friends in both April and May, some of them I almost lost more than once, all of them are dear friends. I will admit, one of them I may have even had romantic feelings for (I really don’t feel the need to remind you all every single time that I am in fact polyamorous and I am in a mutually open engagement so I am not going to go over that with you all AGAIN). Through all of this I had one single saving grace, someone I have met on Tumblr and basically was the only one fighting to keep me sane even when I had given up on that prospect. –
I realize that there is a lot of stuff that most of you don’t know unless you were indeed following me way back when I was only the Supercilious Ruler, and there’s still a lot of stuff that you don’t know if you do not know me personally. However, for people who do know me, they understand what I mean when I say I was saving so many other people that I was near killing myself. And I will openly admit that, many times from the middle of December to near the beginning of June, I was very tempted and very close to doing just that. This is all my own business so I won’t go into detail, but the fact of the matter is that I have a nasty habit of helping everyone else, and I do mean EVERYONE else, before I help myself. To the point where I have no time for myself. Add to that dealing with people accusing me of dropping threads and blocking them without saying a word and the hate I was getting for this thing or that thing, I really was in no mood for Tumblr’s shit. Through all this, all of the shit I allowed myself to be dragged into, there is only One Person who would actually sit and listen to me. And I mean actually LISTEN to me, not just hear me and do whatever they wanted to do, but actually LISTEN to me. They took time out of their own life to help me with mine, and I dare say it is because of this person that I am still alive. And no, I am not going to say who this person is even in private, because of one of the very reasons I am to the point where unless it is a select five or six people I do not enjoy my time on Tumblr.
But I am getting off track. The point is this person helped me realize that I was basically allowing Tumblr, roleplaying, and other people to run my life. I was so busy trying to help everyone, please everyone, that I was running myself into the ground. Literally. I was not sleeping, I was barely eating, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that I was practically wasted every other night just to actually get myself to sit down and actually write replies and get them sent out (I don’t need to explain that to people, if you know me then you know my writing habits) on top of doing it in order to avoid exhaustion and dealing with the stresses of other people’s stress. They reminded me that I am human too, I’m not just some robot programmed to work and work and work and get nothing out of it. And that’s what roleplaying has become for me, for the most part: work. Because if I didn’t get all my replies out in a timely fashion I would get messages ranging in rudeness, or people would flat out unfollow me, or claim that I was ignoring them. The list really does go on. And on top of that, all the insecurities of actually being ignored by other people (I’m not naming names) even when I clearly see that they are asking for starters or replies or plotting or what-not.
I had forgotten that roleplay is supposed to actually be fun. And it IS fun for me, Writing is FUN for me. I enjoy the character development, the interaction, the plotting, all of it! Heck, I write things solely for other people for my own amusement more-so than the amusement of others. But I was so run down that I forgot how fun writing could be.
This one person, one out of everyone that I know, was the person to help me realize this. That I needed to make this fun again.
I took my hiatus originally due to work reasons, and then it was extended because of the fact that I have been spending a lot of time with family due to an aunt being very ill, but I now find that I cannot come back to Tumblr without changing something drastic. It’s not taking on fewer roleplays or having a multi-muse blog verses a single muse blog. It’s not changing fandoms.
It's the people. I really hate saying this because I always try to be as polite as possible even in the worst of situations, but it really is the people. And it's not even friends verses strangers, because even a stranger can be a friend after the right conversations.
No, it's the people. People who seem to forget that the internet is just another extension of real life. People who, no matter how old they are, allow themselves to be reduced to immature brats when it comes to something that is supposed to be for fun. How anyone could allow such I will never understand, but what I truly cannot forgive is that so many allow it to happen. They even will stoop as look as the people around them.
I'm not going to name names. All I know is that, from the same circle of people, there has been endless amounts of drama. Drama that branches out, drama that hurts people who are not even involved. I did not come to Tumblr for drama. I came here to have fun and to keep my writing skills fresh while I work on my own things. However, it seems that I can't even do that where certain people are concerned. So I am through; I am through with the childish drama and the games, through with being dragged into things that have absolutely nothing to do with me.
I am through.
I will be staying on Tumblr, yes, but I will no longer have a purely roleplaying account. I may still roleplay from time to time, but it will be on my own terms. No more trying to please everyone, no more fighting between my real life and people on Tumblr complaining non-stop about how I run my own blog. No more immaturity. No more, no more. No more. My new Tumblr is already made, I will give it to those I want to give it to. I will be on Skype from time to time, but I am going to go back to actually enjoying my time.
