momentary lapses in perception of out there
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Today's Document
Mike Driver

No title available
DEAR READER
Xuebing Du
dirt enthusiast
NASA
YOU ARE THE REASON
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
No title available
AnasAbdin
$LAYYYTER

pixel skylines

Love Begins
One Nice Bug Per Day
almost home
Sade Olutola
wallacepolsom

tannertan36
seen from Bolivia

seen from Türkiye

seen from Türkiye
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seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from Canada

seen from Malaysia
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seen from United States

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seen from Malaysia
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@superficially-secure-saturdays
momentary lapses in perception of out there
I am so incredibly attracted to you, and I'm so confused as to why. Someone re blogged a picture of you, and I couldn't help stare at it for quite a long time. After reading you're 'info' I honestly fell in love with 100x more. jpshfyugwdxsafr what the hell is going on with my heart? Ahaha sorry about how creepy this might sound, but you're beautiful xo.
Sudden onset Jessie attraction has been shown to occur among a small subset of tumblr users. I suggest you walk, but do not run, to your nearest dash board and start a fan blog. Sudden onset Jessie attraction exists as a subset of the broader Sudden onset Jessie appreciation. Symptoms of SOJ: appreciate include frequent checking of susesa, occasionally kinda message sending, reblogging and liking. Symptoms of SOJ: attraction include, in addition to SOJ: appreciation symptoms, daily checking of susesa, extensive explorations through archives, episodic hyper focused monoimage viewing sessions, and professing of attraction through fanmail and asks. Ask your doctor if you suspect you or a love one experiences either sudden onset Jessie appreciation or attraction
Who writes things like this? Like honestly who gets an ask like that and decides that's the answer to write. Like yes, obviously past Jessie, but it feels so out of left field now. Like psuedo confident, knowing the place I wrote that from, but also hilarious, perhaps only to me, but I feel okay with that. I write this response now for me, maybe me in the future, years from now stumbling over this post again, and seeing what I wrote once again after having long forgotten about it and cracking up over it in bed when I should have gone to sleep. This whole retrospective look on this blog has fascinated me. Like I get two views: my internal, highly distorted and blurred by time memory of that era, and the literal text (or picture) from that specific time. I like to see how I've changed and yet how I've stayed the same. I know I laughed a lot writing that, and now I laughed a lot reading that. I've spent a lot of time alone, and so my jokes, the vast majority of them at least, are for me, to make me laugh or smile or find the humor in something, to give me a little enjoyment when things feel so awful. But so often they exist temporarily, in the moment, and so get forgotten with the passing of time. It feels neat to have some on record.
spring swells
I used to go to this spot occasionally. It took about an hour and a bit of driving from where I lived, and so it felt like quite a trek just to get up there, a pilgrimage perhaps. I liked that spot, still do, I've posted a few pictures from there, even during different seasons. It felt special in a way, feeling so far away yet attainable. One had to have driven up over a mountain pass, a wild accent, complete with a switch back — a rare occurrence on the east coast — tall enough that the trees shorten and the wind hastens. And then you drive down the other side, winding down a ridge, and picking up a stream to follow it down, soon it merges with another, and after a few more bends, a bit of gravel sits carved out between the road and trees lining the stream. Park there, and then carefully descend the bank, and after only a few moments you feel as far away from the world as can be. The stream sounds mask the road sounds, making them feel distant, and from the river bed cars can't even be seen, so it hollows out this little hidden obvious spot.
Now I live right by there, just at the base of the mountain pass. I didn't realize till just now, but I don't really go back as much anymore, it doesn't feel the same...
balance perfectly, without autonomy
Holy shit this photo, my entire treatment of late has revolved around the term "agency" which feels distinctively linked to "autonomy". Complex ideas of gaining agency while also yielding to institutional and parental desires plays out sometimes hypocritically and sometimes paradoxically. Authority figures tell me what to do or perhaps more enigmatically strongly suggest what not to do. My own ideas of self clash against what rooms of experts advise me, with the new added constraint of financial pressure. This photo has aged well with me, coming into a more meaningful existence, both representative of a time since past and exemplary of recent struggles.
I just noticed that a lot of my stories begin with “I was really bored in a mental hospital once….”. I think I am okay with this revelation and commentary on living conditions of late.
Almost five years of mental hospital life later it has gotten so much worse... Or better, maybe better, but oh how I have stories...
If you live your whole life on a screen you miss something. I saw a flower the other day, it caught my eyes after hours of only staring at my phone. I knew it instantly. It was a purple that can't exist on a screen. A magnificent purple, just so, beyond the bounds of a limited color gamut. I knew that day, that some things you just have to see in person.
what theory did you like? why do you think you won't amount to anything?
I really like psychoanalysis, well like might not fit exactly. But, have you ever had a thing for someone, in such a way that you sometimes hate them, but yet you can't quite ever stop thinking about them? How they just feel right, even though they're so flawed in so many ways. It seems a little like that. I appreciate the recent queer theory adaptations of Lacanian psychoanalysis. It feels fitting. Lacan comes so from the sixties and seventies, and feels so male, so undoubtedly masculine; that permeates psychoanalysis to its core. Especially since he built upon the foundation of Freud, who many would agree had his own chauvinistic issues. But psychoanalysis as rote descriptor for emotional states seems to pale in comparison to psychoanalysis as a way of thinking. To paraphrase Victor Burgin, psychoanalysis has a way of folding thought back on itself — now stepping away from Burgin and into my own language — defying linearization, exemplifying and disentangling the complexities of thought and emotion, paying special emphasis to context and meaning. I like that. I like the subjectivity. "The subject is always right" ~ Lacan. There's something in the almost phenomenological prioritization of an individuals perception of the situation that just really jives with me. It contrasts sharply the empirical science oriented ways of thinking I brought myself up with, but those same ways of thinking also felt like they fall flat when applied to humans. It feels rounding. Like that if I can both think very logically and empirically like a scientist, and intuitively and mushily like an analyst I'll be more complete. 'Mushy' does really feel like the right word — regardless of the juxtaposition to the rest of my language in this post — because psychoanalysis seems to dwell and deal so much in the gray areas, the non-binary reality of human existence. The struggle of reading Lacan, the way he wraps his thoughts in layers, obfuscating yet also nuancing, appeals to the part of me that likes a challenge. I've given you a taste of the writing style in this message, complete with em dashed out side thoughts, and comma sliced elaborations. But Lacan has a way of doing it that feels almost hostile, no not almost, literally hostile, abrasive, like a cactus protecting the rewarding interior flesh by prickly needles and spines. It leaves me with a feeling of accomplishment for extracting any meaning, and conjures imagery of Hermione deep in the library trying to gleam some knowledge from an ancient tome, how one can read something over and over and yet still always glimmer out a little more. In derivative psychoanalytic works — that feel less opaque — I like hearing about concepts and connecting them to my life. My heart jumps a little at the new way of looking at an old feeling. Or perhaps the relief that whelms through me at understanding the possible implications of Desire in a new way. With all that praise though, psychoanalysis also feels remarkably useless too at times. Like I'm sure it informs my advice in late night text sessions with a friend, but yet also the language (of psychoanalysis) feels so abstracted away from regular language that a significant translating must occur before I can possibly articulate the idea in a comprehendable manor to my interlocutor. And perhaps that uselessness comes also from my relative ineptness with psychoanalysis despite all my reading. If I had to recommend something about Lacanian psychoanalysis — besides diving straight into Ecrits, since that has felt like such a slog, and although rewarding in a going-to-the-source kinda way, it also felt like a very slow way to learn — I'd recommend Lacan: Bolinda Beginner Guide. Lionel Bailey does such a good job of articulating the ideas, far better than any other book I've read on Lacan. My other favorite bit of theory is probably definitely Object Oriented Ontology. That feels even less practical, and although Graham Harman writes well, it is very much contemporary philosophy. Without Heiddegger OOO feels unbased, and reading his texts feels somewhere between a foreign language, being a toddler in a calculus class and epiphanic revelations. I'll leaving you with some closing thoughts, first one from OOO and then two on psychoanalysis: "The black of the ink pen and the black of the executioner's hood are not the same black, even if they are putting out the same wavelength of light" ~ paraphrasing of Merleau-Ponty by Graham Harman, GH: "because the object in question infects the color with its own atmosphere.""To illuminate from behind is to play without injuring the possibility for interpretation, without the stakes becoming too high, too concrete, too essential, nor, too abstract, too empty, or too distant." ~ Jamieson Webster"Psychoanalysis is a prism through which to diffract the psychical light, it doesn't show you anything that wasn't there before, but spectroscopy helps understand things better." ~ me
If you lived your life like you were one of your Sims, would you live it any differently?
Sometimes people tell me I have long legs. It seems like a thing people say to me. It always confuses me, confuses might not accurately represent the feeling, maybe confound, idk. It seems wrong. More than just seems though, I know my legs fall on the shorter end of the spectrum. Sure I probably have longer legs than some 5 foot oh girl, but I also measure eleven inches taller than her. Proportionally my legs measure shorter than average for someone my height. Yet people tell me differently. It seems odd that people make assessments about our bodies, mine specifically in this case, but I know this happens to more than just me. Like: 'who are you to speak as an authority on my body?' But yet they do. Maybe this stems from more than just leg length, but I can put my finger on this, on how people tell me things about my body that *are* wrong. 'Gaslighting' comes to mind, but my understanding of that word causes it not to fit just right. It carries a hostility, a manipulative nature, a coercive overtone that doesn't fit, even if that aspect of telling you lies as truths does fit.
I've had so many people tell me so many things about my body. How does one manage when so many of those declarations challenge one's own perception and sense of self?
Do you ever wish changing was as easy as changing?
It seems stupid to think I might ever amount to anything. Branches or reaches — no fuck this, I used to study theory cause i liked it. Or it did something for me, or it felt like the discovery channel for 28 year olds, or something. Just me saying I "liked" something seems like a stretch, and a bit of a lie. One of those lies you tell yourself. I've liked posts and contents but idrk about actually liking something. Liking something feels far more complicated. Liking implies some subjective favoritive position, some implication of appeal, some draw towards it. But to what end. How can one be hopeless and like at the same time. That seems paradoxical to me, suggesting some flaw in either liking or the state of hopelessneas. I have my chips set on hopelessness, so the flaw must be with "liking something". But perhaps that's the lie. (Side note for breaking E-prime, but such things happen in a ramble, a ramble trying to shirk any presentation or performativity) That perhaps my hopelessness has holes, gaps yielding a not all consuming all is lost. But hopefulness feels fraught, a fool's errand, a destroyer of something. My train of thought lost, the thoughts of a mental patient, back in the institution, an attempt at pushing out and finding a way, just brought me back here. Like a loop, one that will just repeat again if I try to find a life for myself. My toes feel cold. Some phenomenological description of my toes seems possible. Yet that of my wants and desires does not. Wanting feels so fraught, so intrinsically tied to liking, and so caught up in epochs of suppression. I can and have at times both could have whatever I wanted yet also nothing I wanted. This seems so tangled with aporia and contradictions that no rational consistent conclusion can be drawn from it. Idk, I just don't know...
It feels so odd to have no notes from this blog for ages and then suddenly have it get hundreds...
It might be heatstroke but I think I'm going to feint
I stay alive for like 3 people lol
I think four maybe five, but close enough
If you can’t have deep conversations with me at 1 in the morning, we are a no.
Or one in the afternoon, or over tea, or really whenever.
I just wanted them to acknowledge my doing something good
Somebody used a picture of my legs as their profile picture. So I messaged them, not to get on their case but just out of curiosity. Before I even said they used my legs in the picture, they blocked me — presumably because I wouldn't give them weight loss tips. I feel kinda hurt. Like I could have reported them, or gotten angry with them, or whatever, but I didn't. I just wanted to see what's up. Oh well.