Super Isaiah

Diagnosed AuDHD. I think gender is a stupid social system that ultimately just oppresses people. I try to care for anyone I talk to even if I don't share their perspective, if I say something rude then I apologize. I'm not really a rebel I just am not compatible with human society so I come across that way.

[superisaiah]

I wrote a poem about the experience of being GNC.

I don't do a lot of poetry but I just have been working on this for a bit. It uses gendered terminology to express the experience because I didn't want to make the poem explicitly abolitionist, I want anyone who has experienced what it's like to not fit the roles placed on them to be able to understand the poem.

The Doll and The Girl

A poem by Isaiah Coe

Button-eyed was a construct of fabric and thread,

but unideal a product, it was bound to be shred

Just a simple mistake,

a factory defect,

an erroneous plush form,

a non-conformed reject

Its dress was pristine, polite, pulchritudinous,

but the doll was a boy, which we're quite told is ludicrous

The toy is mistakenly sent off to shipping,

the boy doesn't break even when drawn to ripping

Reaching destination,

a festive location,

a free gift for children,

a charitable donation

It's their school's new event for this coming holiday

It's their goal to attempt to give something for play

The kids, free to seek, to pick and obtain,

any one toy to keep and to have to their name

Many toys of all kinds, one by one get selected,

But the boy doll entwined in a gown sits rejected

They say "this one's ugly, this doll is a freak!"

Until one girl, who wonders, "what if he's just unique?"

The girl takes him home, alone to a shack

An overgrown grove suggests dough is in lack

It's apparent a parent has fled for the flask

And the one left remaining, refraining to ask

Whether their daughter

has relations

worth depending on,

or friends there

Never dare thought her

class estrangement

could extend beyond

shortened hair

All that's pretty or prissy the girl tends to not like,

but the doll, this odd boy, a heartstring he strikes

To the rough, violent, tough, riled self seldom smiling,

the stuffed silent soft-styled felt felt beguiling

This comfort becomes her most favorite of toys,

his dress was a beauty not common for boys

Despite their contrast the kinship was strong,

by being outcast he made her belong

Because though, just for this, she was hurting enough,

she could know, just like him, she was worthy of love

[superisaiah]

When existing as a hyperfeminine male online, people seem to present you with 3 options:

- "so masculine that you're confident enough to wear a dress!" (No thanks I'm not feminine to be masculine lol)

- femboy/"sissy" fetish (oh boy, being objectified and treated like my femininity is a gimmick or degrading, on top of the creepy sexualization)

- "trans girl in denial" (way to patronize and try to invalidate my entire life perspective and feelings regarding gender)

Gender nihilism is overall an ignored perspective but even when it IS acknowledged, it seems that people only accept gender nihilism in "androgynous" presenting males, like "oh the only way for a male to say no to gender identity is by being androgynous you can't be super feminine and not do gender identity"

[superisaiah]

Thing that sucks so much is how formative deltarune was for me like Ralsei's existence as a character might literally be the reason I didn't off myself so trying to ween off it now that it seems to be a coin flips chance from feeling incredibly invalidating to me is extremely difficult. It's like probably my core special interest, at least UT/DR as a whole is.

It's like, needing to acknowledge and appreciate the role these games have had in my life, but be holding on loose enough that it won't destroy me if things go in an unideal direction for me

Like emotionally I'm doing really well, I'm no longer in any anxiety from it, but it's still quite a process of learning to let go of something that's been important to me for almost a decade.

[superisaiah]

the tralsei stuff really is strange because there's so much proof ralsei is just a feminine guy. he says his proud of his face, even while knowing it's reminiscent of a male character. he thinks he's cute. blue's shoes (gnc male) are ralsei exclusive. the latest update he/him'd him. everyone in this fandom can accept susie can be a king and a prince and still be a woman but their minds break when a boy is a princess. it's just ...?????? c'mon people

this is kind of turning into a vent but while i really think most of the stuff for galsei is being misinterpreted (voucher scene especially -- blue and pink are kris' colors, trans flag is blue pink and white) i am worried that toby might see the fandom's hype over it and think "oh yeah... yeah this is a good idea!!!" ugh i hope it doesn't happen. it's a punch in the face for me too

The thing is, subtext-wise, I understand why Ralsei's arc resonates so much with trans folks because I myself deal with pretty intense gender dysphoria (it's much easier now that I'm not suppressing my interests outside when I'm around my dad) and it's been a very similar experience to Ralsei's arc in many ways.

But I think some people are confusing a character being highly relatable to trans folks as proof that that character must be trans. Plus as mentioned the character is just as relatable to people like me for the same reasons.

At least the people arguing using subtext are better than the people saying "dress and liking being called princess = trans girl"

[superisaiah]

I found this new dress at Goodwill!!! It has a little stain but it fits me well and it's so pretty I feel like a princess ^^

[superisaiah]

One of the most frustrating things with the tralsei situation is that there's all this super pretty art of a the character I've felt represented by for 8 years wearing pretty outfits that are styles I like.. but then they're all having him be transfem in the art.

Obviously I think fan artists have the right to do what they want in that regard it just sucks for me it's like a punch in the face. It's like "here's the character that made you feel okay about wearing dresses and expressing fem as a male dressed in your favorite kind of princess dresses. Oh btw the character is a girl in this art".

It's like, a character being so perfectly resonant with the feelings and experience of your soul but then it's like 'actually you don't get to feel that way since you're not identifying as a woman'. If I wanted a girl character to relate to I'd watch Tangled lol. (or really, any story with a feminine girl that has audhd vibes)

(obviously I don't think they were thinking that when they made it it's just how it feels)

[superisaiah]

Heyo (⁠＾⁠∇⁠＾⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠♪

I just came across your blog while scrolling through the Ralsei tag!

I totally get where you're coming from with your feelings about trans Ralsei- people are giving you a hard time over nothing, looks like! You're clearly very respectful towards everyone and are happy when they're happy...

Anyway, I myself am SUPER happy at the prospect of trans Ralsei being a thing, but I also would find myself somewhat sad if it ended up being so binary in execution. I want Ralsei, ideally, to be someone who's more genderfluid/gender ambivalent in execution with this arc, ultimately feeling free to call themselves whatever they want at any given time, and wear whatever they want at any given time with both treated with a similar lack of gravity to trying on different hats... but we'll just have to see, I suppose!

But although I obviously can't speak to all of your experiences as though they are my own, I just wanted to say I relate to and was emotionally moved by your posts about how gender is treated in an ideal world. I identify myself as non-binary for convenience, but I am often sad that we are all imprisoned in a world of "2 main genders and 3rd other gender" mentality. I'm tired of being made aware of my otherness every time I am around others- cis or otherwise. I just want to exist as me and be defined by more than my physicality, but we're in a world where people boil us down to our appearance out of convenience. Heck, half of the time (and since I was a child- I never grew out of it!) I wish I was just a cute or cool non-human creature thing, like Ralsei! I just don't have interest in this gender stuff outside of subverting it at any given opportunity, and feel like I'll always be trapped in my body by merit of knowing how I'm perceived by everyone around me who's also trapped in this gender-endorsing world. The idea that people are genuinely empowered by their gender at times is a wild concept to me- I emotionally can't fathom it, but I'm happy for them when they attempt to explain it to me, I suppose. I only feel empowered when I am away from any gendered situation and am able to feel like something else entirely.

Sorry for rambling- keep on being you, whatever that is! I don't care- I just care about your personhood! I wish everyone else also didn't care, but I suppose we can't have power over that, despite how much sense it'd make, huh? :')

I love your pretty dresses! Take care!

People give me a hard time because I am admittedly often annoying about my special interests. Speaking of being annoying about interests, here's my biggest issue with gender fluid Ralsei: Do you know how how people often imagine/depict it?

They'll depict it as Ralsei in a butler outfit = "boy Ralsei", Ralsei in dress = "girl Ralsei".

Seems kind of neo-gender essentialist, no?

Not trying to disrespect your view on it. I'm just saying that's why I don't like it. And also why I don't like a lot of this stuff, because even if the theory has other evidence, it feels like ultimately there is this sense of "dresses and feminine expression are for girls" that come along with it.

That's really my perspective on social gender as a whole lol. It all feels really reductive to the human experience. It feels like a harmful system, honestly.

Anyway I agree with wanting to be non-human. It's a common thing for autistic people lol. I want to be either a sheep, a bunny, or a sea slug. Perhaps a sea bunny.

I appreciate you being chill. While I won't ever be considering myself through the lens of gender identity, I can understand why people do cause it would make social engagement easier.

And thank you ^^ most of them are thrifted.

[superisaiah]

as someone who's having to leave tumblr entirely because of the new developments, as someone who's selfshipped with Ralsei for a solid few years now, as someone who saw a lot of myself in him, as someone who also had been saved from really bad mental health by Ralsei pre-chapter 5, and especially as a gnc male, I just want to say, thank you for wording a lot of the opinions I have but much better than I ever could. It's nice to see that at least I'm not the only one struggling with this, even if we do have some differing views on things. Thank you for helping me feel like I'm not crazy or that my feelings are invalid. Thank you.

If it makes you feel any better as of now Ralsei is still canonically a guy, and imo transfem theory only has a coin flip of a chance.

[superisaiah]

Princess, prince, queen, and king should all be gender neutral words. I realize now that honestly the words I don't have a problem with, just the genderization.

Normalize calling your male s/o "my queen" when he's looking elegant or your female s/o "prince charming" when she's trying to woo you.

She is small in stature? Short king. He is pretty and gets along with animals? A disney princess.

[superisaiah]

What are your fav shipping dynamics besides ones like ralsusie?

To be honest I'm not actually much of a shipper. Before deltarune I didn't ship anything, but ralsusie seemed so peak and GNC that it shattered that lol.

Other ships I think are fun (but not close to the level of ralsusie for me) are like, Kris x berdly where it's one person who's a ragebaiter and the other is easily ragebaited lol.

[superisaiah]

Not my favorite but I like this one alright

[superisaiah]

Oh sweetie. I hope you figure it all out sometime soon, and can find your peace.

If you're referring to the notion that I'm a trans girl, I already figured it out. I'm aware that if someone sees gender categorization as real and good, then I would fit a lot more into the social notion of "woman". I'm aware that, if I agreed with that perspective on gender that many hold, I would identify myself as a woman.

But I don't view it that way. I see people as people. I see gender as made up. For me to identify as a woman would be like if I were to identify as Hufflepuff.. why would I identify with a made up notion? Why would I define myself by a vague social categorization? I'm Isaiah/Izzy. I am a Christian. I am an artist, a musician, I like fashion and pretty things, I like to nurture and take care of people. Those are things I define myself by.

Physically, I am physiologically male. That is something I am content with the reality of, but does not define who I am, in a vacuum it's as important to my sense of self as being right handed is. While I've felt some body dysmorphia in the past, I couldn't care less about trying to alter my sex or my appearance just so people see me as being the "woman" social category.

If someone wants to identify as a gender be they cis or trans, they should have all the freedom to do so. I will even respect their belief and refer to them as such when talking about them, but ultimately the fact remains that I am not going to see people as "men" and "women" I'm going to see people as people. Male and female are procreational and biological terms, they shouldn't be social.

The only reason I even bother to say I'm male, is because this social system of gender has made that into an important part of my life story when it shouldn't have made a difference, because the system of gender has made it so everyone holds opinions about me relative to the notion of me being male and treating me by those notions.

This idea of pushing everyone to have gender identity, to make a big part of their self image be how they categorize themselves within that social construct, is only hurting people. If we just let everyone be themselves as people, that would be better.

To you I'm probably a "trans girl in denial", to conservatives I'm a "confused man who should be ashamed of himself" if I agreed with either worldview I would agree that's what I am, it's not like I'm unaware of it, it's a perspective thing. to me you guys all are obsessing over something you make up in your own mind. Gender is a scam, the system is inherently damaging. So maybe you can "figure that out soon".

[superisaiah]

This is super random but I just wanna let you know that your blog has made an extremely positive change on my mental health, thank you so much for just being yourself. I feel a lot safer with my identity now because of you. at first I kind of looked at your blog as a joke because I thought you were kind of schizo for your ralsei takes and how angry you were, but the more I looked at your blog the more I became hooked because I discovered how much I relate to your worldview. you are an amazing person. sorry for the glaze I just felt like thanking you for making me feel better about myself and my personality

Frankly I'm aware that me caring so much about whether or not a fictional character continues to represent my experience with gender is very silly, but if my rants happened to have any positive influence that's great.

Ultimately my goal is to do for others what Ralsei did for me as a teen, be it through my own life or from fictional characters I create. So it makes me happy to know I'm accomplishing that for some.

But yeah I ultimately acknowledge that really the way someone chooses to write a fictional story is not really a worthwhile cause for disdain. But when a fictional character's existence helps save you from suicide, you naturally grow a (admittedly unhealthy) attachment to said character.

I've mentioned wanting to shift this to being a fashion/art/game dev blog primarily but I keep finding people saying stuff on Ralsei that makes me want to say something when admittedly I probably should just leave the subject be at this point lol.

We're all just doing our best.

As a side note maybe my DnD character will die tomorrow in which case I'll be coming up with a new pretty & fem DND character concept to cosplay lol.

[superisaiah]

I also see people point to Mettaton

besides being a functional non-entity in Deltarune (just some dialogue from "a nobody" at the Blook house, and Spamton taking over a crude rendition of his NEO body), he's yet a third type of GNC man, the "larger-than-life pretty 70's-80's glam rocker" sort, if that makes any sense

Mettaton is a trans man rep, explicitly choosing to be a guy, so he's like, even further on the "finding identity in being a man" scale than blue. Mettaton is the type of GNC that doesn't just accept being male but explicitly finds identity in being a flamboyant MAN, that's a core part of his identity.

Mettaton is like the opposite type of GNC male from what I am lol. But he's iconic in his own way.

[superisaiah]

People really can't comprehend the difference between having a deep, well written, main character that perfectly represents a group of people, vs having a random temp side character that represents said group but without any of the same depth or sympathy towards their struggles.

(yes this is about the "blue is right there!" response to people being sad about the possibility of losing Ralsei as GNC/gender nihilism rep. You can like the idea of Ralsei being trans if you want but stop acting like you can just replace Ralsei's iconic place in the GNC community with a temp side npc)

[overfedvenison]

Like yeah, it should be intuitive that losing a main character (Possibly the only GNC main character in a western production) is kind of... You can see how some people would be disappointed, even if it's the right move for the character But, I also think people seem to see... Different things about Blue, right? Like, to me - It's clear that while he is extremely GNC, what he's representing is sort of a very specific old-school gay and stage identity. He is specifically tied to stage performance, he is in a relationship with Yellow (A cowboy, another very old-school gay way to present) and he is presented as an older, wiser figure. The whole 'stage crossdresser' thing is something which emerged in many cultures and goes back hundreds of years, so it makes sense to choose that as an older voice who guides others. Now, that has a lot of value! I respect that kind of representation a lot. I like Blue as a character. Heck, I even feel strongly he will be back (Notice how he never interacts with Ralsei one-on-one. Blue should probably do that! Ralsei of anyone needs someone like Blue to guide him) Buuut. That is a WILDLY different sort of presentation from Ralsei, you know? I feel like there is actually not a lot of overlap between people who see themselves in Blue and people who see themselves in Ralsei. One of the reasons Ralsei resonates so hard with select people is that his androgynous and often-feminine presentation is also entirely casual. It's not something you are inherently putting on as a stage identity (Though it can be, Ralsei does like being a rock star) or for a special occasion, Ralsei could just wear a ribbon because he wants to do so. I feel like that is one of the parts people are seeing themselves in. ...Actually, I feel like the closest we have to a non-trans Ralsei experience otherwise is probably Orange. She's an extremely GNC girl who's struggle is that she is trying too hard to define herself and follow a set path, and that this causes her distress, so she learns to just organically be herself. I recall, I've had to have that same kind of talk she has with Susie with some people finding themselves.

[superisaiah]

To copy and paste what I said somewhere else,

For me Ralsei's GNC rep is so incredibly deep with how he represents things like suppression, self hate, self neglect, denying what he wants, and the struggles to break out of a role given to you, all without that actually being made about the construct of gender overtly, rather being as things GNC folks will deeply relate to but through a lens that we can neatly seperate from the personality aspects of his rep, he's soft, nurturing, wears dresses (at least since ch 2), ribbons, has very feminine interests and mannerisms, etc.

He doesn't seem to overtly take on the notion of 'man identity', instead having being a guy as a thing he is fine with but doesn't care about. I tire of this idea that the only kind of GNC male is when a guy is "confident enough in his masculinity to be feminine" or some crap like that. I'm not "confident in my masculinity" I'm just me, and me happens to be extremely 'feminine' by social notions. I don't need to twist my femininity around and act like It's some kind of 'man femininity', my femininity is just like the femininity of the gals I know, cause they like me are people, not everything has to be separated by genders.

I'd go as far as to say there will never be a better character to represent not conforming to the social construct of gender than Ralsei. If he ends up not representing that, then I don't think there'd ever be a rep that can replace it lol. Like, you'd have to make an OC that's basically just like Ralsei in characterization and arc in order to be as good a rep for this kind of GNC

The problem is that the kind of GNC I am, is the kind that is basically parallel to the trans experience down to experiencing intense gender dysphoria growing up, but ultimately rather than transitioning, deciding I think the social construct of gender is pointless and not using that system.

Because of that, it's extremely hard to find rep for my situation, since most characters with similar situations to me will just end up being trans, which feels like it just further pushes the idea that you have to use gender and you're not allowed to opt out of that categorization system.

I just want to be able to be myself without having to use the concept of gender identity to excuse it (I know that's not the intention but that's how it feels like to me, like I have to excuse the fact that I am very similar to what people expect of women because "woman is my gender identity" rather than just being able to exist as myself.

[superisaiah]

People really can't comprehend the difference between having a deep, well written, main character that perfectly represents a group of people, vs having a random temp side character that represents said group but without any of the same depth or sympathy towards their struggles.

(yes this is about the "blue is right there!" response to people being sad about the possibility of losing Ralsei as GNC/gender nihilism rep. You can like the idea of Ralsei being trans if you want but stop acting like you can just replace Ralsei's iconic place in the GNC community with a temp side npc)

[superisaiah]

Is it so much to ask for there to be a canon relationship in popular media where the guy is like a soft feminine girl and the girl is like a strong masculine guy?

A nurturing male in a pretty dress who looks like how people expect a girl would x a tough woman in a stunning suit who looks like how people would expect a guy to.

But like, it's not t4t, it's just a gender nihilist GNC couple.