diary

logs of a very normal human

[supervisormi]

I know I'm not any special from another people losing a parent, but is hard to explain how intertwined my life was with him and how painful our last months were. We couldn't part away and I was getting strained and unable to grow up and feel like I had my own life at 28. I felt too guilty to leave home and him alone, I wish so bad that what I have now I could have him with him alive. I loved him so much and it was painful for both of us, really really painful, it was as we were one and the same. It was no life for him too, to give all his happiness to me and dedicate himself that way.

[supervisormi]

Thinking about friends and their sweetest moments this year

A and Y came straight to the hospital when my dad had the stroke, they held me really tight and told me I could go and stay in their house for all the time I needed. Even as busy as they are they try to know about me the same as A parents, C called and had a long talk with me about our dads and L came to check the house and see if it can be fixed.

B reunited with me a week after and aside from gifting me a beautiful ball jointed doll he prepared a gift box with some teas and sweets which I found sooo cute I still have it on top of my PC.

B and T stayed with me as much as they could in call, collected a bunch of gifts that some I still dont know what are and want to send to me in january. We watched and played a lot of things this year and every single day they talk to me so it's hard to remember all they do for me! I really love them very much.

M and his mom send all the support they could, she even send me money, he was very strict about convincing me that nothing that happened was my fault. He helped me last week to move a lot of trash and material from my house so I can fix it.

V and O added their trinkets into the gift bundle and sended the sweetest words ever, even as I don't talk much to them they really reached out.

A came to go out with me and see some chinese bazars as always, helped me to print merch at her house and gift me a beautiful handmade sketch book, her new passion about the rosalia new album was charming as it was fun.

All my old anime convention friends reached to me, some where with me at pride parade, they all were very kind and reminded me of how old interests were really fun and silly. Even F who is now living in Japan talked to me to check how I was doing.

They all are sweet people at their core. Is all that's important.

[supervisormi]

My dad's biggest gift to me, aside of the love he professed to me his whole life (in all the ways he could manage, my dearest) is the knowlege of picking good friends. He told me to love people who didn't neccesarily need to be with me at all time but who really offered help everytime they could. The times he scolded me for not appreciating people enough, he was totally right.

I know so many lovely people, all different but all very sweet to their core, helpful and understanding. People who as soon as they can they will run to you to help, to listen. People that from other countries offer me to be just on call so I am not alone.

Everyday I wish to just be as loving as them, to learn from the good things they do and from the beauty they hold.

Today I wish I appreciated my dad enough, but I think I did in a way and I hope he knew. Little christmas for the two of us and being the first person to clink glasses with every year, it held more love that I could ever express.

It will never be the same, but is okay, I can bear for everything he put his whole being into, just so I could live a little better than him. To have a life that held more love than his. Even when he had nowhere to learn from and little tools, he did so much.

It really was enough dad, you were so much than enough, I hope you can know.

Merry Christmas to us again, I'll keep moving foward with you.

[supervisormi]

So, my sister a nephew came back from my other sister's party and she decided he "behaved too badly" enough to slap him across the face. Hard. Not that any kind of slap was better.

I just can't phantom how after all what happened this year this is the outcome she thinks best. I feel sad at my core, I remember all the distasteful and painful things that happened in my family and think "how is it possible we can't escape from this?" and wonder why did she do it. Why.

He's an already difficult and depressed kid, and I see myself in him. I don't make the best decisions neither, I try to compensate with the money I earn for things that maybe can make him happy because I'm too lazy to actually give real quality time. And I can't help to make anything better for him, both his parents don't care.

I just wish people stopped having kids they wont take care of.

I wish people weren't this selfish.

I wish they accepted they can't love instead of lying at an attempt of not being lonely.

I can't wish they die, because last time I did my dad died by some awful coincidence.

I feel myself so full of contempt and grief.

-

I will go back to my own home tomorrow, no matter how dirty the house is. I must make my own space so things are at least a little how I want them to be.

I don't ask for much. I wan't a normal life without this venom plaguing my life.

[supervisormi]

Somehow writing makes me feel at ease, I should do it more often.

I went to my house today to feed the dog as usual and also checked the room I have to clean. A little downer is that I kinda have to classify the things before throwing them, I can't really throw them away mindlessly, also I need to throughly ventilate that room. As soon as I came out I had to sneeze a lot, so dust and rat odor are pretty much a problem.

As I told my therapist, is not that bad, I can do it little by little, I'll take the time to prep merch and work as usual first.

Also going to my friend's house made me feel a little more motivated about fixing mine, her parent's house is beautiful, they designed it very thoughtfuly. I hope I can achieve something close and comfortable.

The merch also came out very cute, I was very happy for expending time with her like before. Doing things together with her is nostalgic and invigorating, she has a patience that makes me feel at ease. I want to be a little like her too, I think she's what I always envision as a beautiful person from tales and fantasy.

[supervisormi]

I've been insanely anxious and depressed (not as much as I have been but quite a lot for my situation rn) tbh not having the house ready is kinda tormenting me, and tomorrow will be 4 months since my dad had that stroke.

I want normalcy, I want my house ready, I wanna live alone and comfortable, I wanna be at ease.

I feel like then I will be able to miss and mourn him correctly somehow, alone at our house, feeling like I accomplished our wish to have a normal and happy home. I wish again we didn't argue so much about it, that I was more patient. I still feel so so so guilty for all the presure I made him shoulder by himself.

Sad songs about solitude remind me of him, I do know I could not make his loneliness go away. I wonder if he would've rather died than having me leave the house like everyone else.

I still remember when he told me "That's how one dies little by little" I know he was being manipulative but I also know he meant it.

Grief is so mean, I can't make it go away, all of this is normal. It just hurts a lot and I want to have a place to be by myself.

[supervisormi]

Last night as I was half drifting into sleep I kinda dreamed about my dad's voice talking, telling me he will always stay with me, i think he kinda said he understood I was sad but I shouldn't feel lonely because he will always be with me.

Lately I have a hard time watching any video with his voice in it, is almost as I'm scared of hurting if I hear him. I kinda fear of listening to him.

The dreams are different.

Also he spoke in a third voice as he always spoke to me when he was trying to console me. I miss him but I wanna be strong for him too.

[supervisormi]

We are reaching november and today my dad's lawyer said the insurance company finally offered an agreement about his leg injury.

I fought with him so much because I didn't want to wait until november to fix the house because I was going mad with the ceiling falling off and the rats roaming and having no comfortable way of bathing nor cooking like a normal person.

I feel like I could have just wait and maybe he wouldn't have died because I feel the stroke was caused by stress. I feel so stupid because maybe I lost him for money and two fucking months I couldn't wait.

I know is not true but it feels so bad to think about the things that could have been. I wish I did better just so he could still be here.

[supervisormi]

Today I bought an Entei card because it reminds me of that time my dad rented the Pokemon 3 movie.

I still feel a little guilty because I left him alone that same night to go to a carnival with my sister.

The carnival sucked ass, I got sick and spent the whole next day puking.

Yet I remember watching that movie while sick very fondly.

I miss him so bad. Is hard.

[supervisormi]

Dreamed about dad again.

Was some impossible future where he was alive but we then were back to present reality.

I asked him why didnt he take his meds

He kinda made fun of it saying "If I had known...!" very nonchalantly.

[supervisormi]

On today's realizations (tbh it was like two days ago)

I did lost the person I love the most.

Well, "lost" is a weird word, he is still with me in other forms.

A few monarch butterflies have crossed me in very particular moments. I'm not much of a believer, but they feel like he is truly making himself present to gently wave and say he's watching us do our best.

He still is a gentle man, as always , the butterflies look so cheery in a vibrant way that remind me of him. He had such a childish manner of going around that colorful butterfly seems funnily right.

And so going back home in a car today, watching the city and neighbourhood made me feel like I was surrounded by a unusual love. I wonder how a person manages to make himself be everywhere without actually being here. With no shape you still do a great job being unmistakenly you.

Is not just seeing memories in places, is like seeing the world with beauty that is just possible after being raised by him. Is so endearing it turns the fact that I was born in this place a miracle. I'll stop wondering why I was born, even if it makes me sad realizing this is what it took for me to understand.

[supervisormi]

Supervisor Mikon

Like the character I'm writing, I'm gonna use him as pseudonym

This will mostly work as a diary, maybe some things are too heavy for my regular tumblr account