#house log

[bigsciencybrain]

House Log: Day 36 -

Oak trees drop more acorns than I could possibly have imagined. Sometimes they roll musically down the roof and ping off of the gutters, but mostly they’re annoying.

The squirrels have begun nesting in an attic space. As they are not rats and are unlikely to chew through my walls to eat my peaches, I’m adopting a live and let live strategy until spring. At that point, I will have them blocked out and the goddamn oak tree trimmed back so the furry little motherfuckers have to really want to make that leap.

Unexpected bills (heating oil WTF??? I was not prepared) mean waiting on furniture and stuff so I still have no couch and no area rugs. Dante doesn’t mind. He’s mastered the art of sliding around corners on the hardwood floors. Kaylee just stomps around like a small, angry, stompy old lady cat and refuses to come down the stairs.

I have yet to try my wood burning fireplace. Although, with the cost of heating oil, that may happen sooner rather than later.

It doesn’t really feel like it’s mine yet. And when I catch myself enjoying it, I have this weird knee jerk response of feeling guilty about enjoying it. IDEK on that but I’m assuming it’ll go away.

[supervisormi]

Somehow writing makes me feel at ease, I should do it more often.

I went to my house today to feed the dog as usual and also checked the room I have to clean. A little downer is that I kinda have to classify the things before throwing them, I can't really throw them away mindlessly, also I need to throughly ventilate that room. As soon as I came out I had to sneeze a lot, so dust and rat odor are pretty much a problem.

As I told my therapist, is not that bad, I can do it little by little, I'll take the time to prep merch and work as usual first.

Also going to my friend's house made me feel a little more motivated about fixing mine, her parent's house is beautiful, they designed it very thoughtfuly. I hope I can achieve something close and comfortable.

The merch also came out very cute, I was very happy for expending time with her like before. Doing things together with her is nostalgic and invigorating, she has a patience that makes me feel at ease. I want to be a little like her too, I think she's what I always envision as a beautiful person from tales and fantasy.

[supervisormi]

I've been insanely anxious and depressed (not as much as I have been but quite a lot for my situation rn) tbh not having the house ready is kinda tormenting me, and tomorrow will be 4 months since my dad had that stroke.

I want normalcy, I want my house ready, I wanna live alone and comfortable, I wanna be at ease.

I feel like then I will be able to miss and mourn him correctly somehow, alone at our house, feeling like I accomplished our wish to have a normal and happy home. I wish again we didn't argue so much about it, that I was more patient. I still feel so so so guilty for all the presure I made him shoulder by himself.

Sad songs about solitude remind me of him, I do know I could not make his loneliness go away. I wonder if he would've rather died than having me leave the house like everyone else.

I still remember when he told me "That's how one dies little by little" I know he was being manipulative but I also know he meant it.

Grief is so mean, I can't make it go away, all of this is normal. It just hurts a lot and I want to have a place to be by myself.

[movemetocheck]

House Log: Typical

Today’s activities have only been slightly above what I would consider “normal”. Waking the young master has become more of a chore in recent mornings. Judging by the state of his sheets, he hasn’t been sleeping well at all. I’m surprised that I haven’t had a gun drawn on me yet (again). I give it time, when the nightmares have reached the point of being a tolerable, he will wake and scream my name to come protect him. I will, as I always have. After all, if I can’t ease my young master, what kind of butler would I be?