Jul 24, 2023
You know that Spanish guitar music I really like and can't find? I figured it out. It's lute music.
-my dad, 12/28/2016
seen from India
seen from T1
seen from Canada
seen from Netherlands
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Kazakhstan
seen from Japan
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Spain
seen from United States
seen from T1
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from United Kingdom
You know that Spanish guitar music I really like and can't find? I figured it out. It's lute music.
-my dad, 12/28/2016
I know I'm not any special from another people losing a parent, but is hard to explain how intertwined my life was with him and how painful our last months were. We couldn't part away and I was getting strained and unable to grow up and feel like I had my own life at 28. I felt too guilty to leave home and him alone, I wish so bad that what I have now I could have him with him alive. I loved him so much and it was painful for both of us, really really painful, it was as we were one and the same. It was no life for him too, to give all his happiness to me and dedicate himself that way.
My dad's biggest gift to me, aside of the love he professed to me his whole life (in all the ways he could manage, my dearest) is the knowlege of picking good friends. He told me to love people who didn't neccesarily need to be with me at all time but who really offered help everytime they could. The times he scolded me for not appreciating people enough, he was totally right.
I know so many lovely people, all different but all very sweet to their core, helpful and understanding. People who as soon as they can they will run to you to help, to listen. People that from other countries offer me to be just on call so I am not alone.
Everyday I wish to just be as loving as them, to learn from the good things they do and from the beauty they hold.
Today I wish I appreciated my dad enough, but I think I did in a way and I hope he knew. Little christmas for the two of us and being the first person to clink glasses with every year, it held more love that I could ever express.
It will never be the same, but is okay, I can bear for everything he put his whole being into, just so I could live a little better than him. To have a life that held more love than his. Even when he had nowhere to learn from and little tools, he did so much.
It really was enough dad, you were so much than enough, I hope you can know.
Merry Christmas to us again, I'll keep moving foward with you.
I've been insanely anxious and depressed (not as much as I have been but quite a lot for my situation rn) tbh not having the house ready is kinda tormenting me, and tomorrow will be 4 months since my dad had that stroke.
I want normalcy, I want my house ready, I wanna live alone and comfortable, I wanna be at ease.
I feel like then I will be able to miss and mourn him correctly somehow, alone at our house, feeling like I accomplished our wish to have a normal and happy home. I wish again we didn't argue so much about it, that I was more patient. I still feel so so so guilty for all the presure I made him shoulder by himself.
Sad songs about solitude remind me of him, I do know I could not make his loneliness go away. I wonder if he would've rather died than having me leave the house like everyone else.
I still remember when he told me "That's how one dies little by little" I know he was being manipulative but I also know he meant it.
Grief is so mean, I can't make it go away, all of this is normal. It just hurts a lot and I want to have a place to be by myself.
Last night as I was half drifting into sleep I kinda dreamed about my dad's voice talking, telling me he will always stay with me, i think he kinda said he understood I was sad but I shouldn't feel lonely because he will always be with me.
Lately I have a hard time watching any video with his voice in it, is almost as I'm scared of hurting if I hear him. I kinda fear of listening to him.
The dreams are different.
Also he spoke in a third voice as he always spoke to me when he was trying to console me. I miss him but I wanna be strong for him too.
We are reaching november and today my dad's lawyer said the insurance company finally offered an agreement about his leg injury.
I fought with him so much because I didn't want to wait until november to fix the house because I was going mad with the ceiling falling off and the rats roaming and having no comfortable way of bathing nor cooking like a normal person.
I feel like I could have just wait and maybe he wouldn't have died because I feel the stroke was caused by stress. I feel so stupid because maybe I lost him for money and two fucking months I couldn't wait.
I know is not true but it feels so bad to think about the things that could have been. I wish I did better just so he could still be here.
Today I bought an Entei card because it reminds me of that time my dad rented the Pokemon 3 movie.
I still feel a little guilty because I left him alone that same night to go to a carnival with my sister.
The carnival sucked ass, I got sick and spent the whole next day puking.
Yet I remember watching that movie while sick very fondly.
I miss him so bad. Is hard.
Dreamed about dad again.
Was some impossible future where he was alive but we then were back to present reality.
I asked him why didnt he take his meds
He kinda made fun of it saying "If I had known...!" very nonchalantly.