Monday 10th May 2021: My Brain...
I haven't been feeling the best lately due to having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), depression and anxiety... I've been having strong and powerful suicidal thoughts and visual thoughts of how I will do it. Its that powerful, I can not handle it anymore. I've also had a few triggers that have made me feel so anxious and depressed.
I had my psychologist appointment and he was concerned once again and took me to E.D.(Emergency Department).
I had to wait for someone from the Mental Health team to come and see me which was roughly a 5-6 hours wait. When the person arrived, we had a chat and she could tell I was extremely upset with the treatment I got from the nurses at E.D. plus what was going on in my head.
My boyfriend was there also and had a chat with the lady who came and saw me from the MH team. My BF help me make a decision and I said I needed help and I will go to Kerferd (Psych Ward) to get the help I need. I had to wait about 4 hours for transport and didnt get to Kerferd until around 2am the next morning.
When daylight hit... at about 8:30am, the nurse come and did the usual "check on" patients and the nurse introduced herself and their was also a uni student. I was told that I was going to be seeing a psychiatrist and see what treatment I will be getting and how long I'll be in for. I was in there "voluntary" so I could leave whenever I wanted too. I got told that I would start a antidepressant and go home Thursday (today).
I found that complete unhelpful... Cried most of the day because I knew it was because of my age and what mental health condition I have. The nurses did try to help I know that but having one day to do treatment didn't sit well with me and I knew the stay would be pointless due to how my mindset was and still is.
I ended up going home that night. It was so pointless and I felt I was wasting their time and also someone who needed the room could have had it, someone that doesn't have BPD, someone who's mental health was more important.
It was made pretty clear that people who have BPD, will have no hope for the future and its just a continuous circle that can not really be helped but only doing intense therapy for the rest of our lifes.
This experience has pushed me down more further and its going to take a bit for me to get back on track again.
If you suffer with BPD/EUPD. Please know that I've got you! You are beautiful and amazing. Don't doubt yourself, you've got this. Stay strong and fight. Its can be exhausting, I know. You are enough and your life is worthy. I love you!
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