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Why thinking I am special almost shipwrecked my faith...

I have a confession to make, when I was really young I used to dream that I was actually part of a royal lineage and one day these fancy people were going to track me down, rock up at my school in a big helicopter, and tell me that I was actually next in line to be king of some far off distant land. They would then whisk my family and I away and everything would be sunshine and rainbows as we lived out our days in a fancy castle eating roasted Wild Boar and Nutella Mascarpone Chocolate Tarts to our hearts content. Yip, just like Princess Diaries, I am ashamed to admit it, but it is true.

You see I had developed an unhealthy attitude that I was special, that I was destined to make a difference in the world, to mean something. We all want to believe it, and we lavish it on those we care about. Parents tell their children that they are the most special and precious thing in the world. Is this wrong? No, definitely not but unfortunately when unbalanced all it inspires is a spirit of entitlement and an expectation that if I am special then I must get special treatment.

You see because I believed I was so special I began to believe that I was God’s gift to the church, that the depths of my gifts were so special why can I not be in leadership? Impacting others for God’s glory, I mean seriously.. do you not know I am destined for greatness? My life is supposed to matter for something, all you are doing is holding back God’s special one... Dude, I am like His favourite! When it suddenly occurred to me a while back that in essence this was the attitude of my heart I felt very ashamed. I mean who am I to assume I am special, and yes I might be special (to my mom) but does that entitle me to be treated differently? To be treated nicer? To have a more kind or easy lot in life? Um... NO! No wonder we walk around so grumpy and angry that we might have drawn the short stick in the “easy life” contest, it’s is because deep down we believe if I am truly special then I deserve special treatment, I deserve to be happy and have pretty things because yes, I am special!

The problem is though that the picture in the Kingdom of God is in fact the exact opposite.. Yes don’t get me wrong, please do believe you are special and that you are a royal nation, a holy priesthood, but make sure you also believe that it doesn’t entitle you to an easy life. In fact if entitles you to a very difficult one, that is why Jesus said “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

The danger of believing I was special literally almost shipwrecked my faith, I mean i couldn’t understand why when Jesus loves me so much and when my beloved Mom and Gran made sure I knew I was special to them was life still so difficult. I expected the ‘special treatment’ according to how I wanted it, when I didn’t get it I missed the blessings that God did send because I was too busy grumbling so much that things always seem to have so much opposition.

I wanted the special treatment because in my flesh I wanted to be comfortable, and happy and have nice things to make sure I stay happy but again the truth in God’s Kingdom is the exact opposite. Consider James 1:2-4 when he said:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

You see it isn’t special treatment and a nice cushy existence that brings us happiness. It is trials of many kinds. Those trials hurt, yes, but the truth is we have need of endurance. Only once we have persevered will we be mature and complete. The truth is one day we will get special treatment but looking for that special treatment and for things to be easy in this life will only result in disappointment and heart-ache. If God gives it to you, good, if not, good. I believe we need to get to a place as a people who believes that in God’s eyes we are special, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made and that we are destined for doing great things for His glory but that this doesn’t exempt us from having a tough time, that everything will be easy. In fact if we live out this belief in our identity in Christ we will have the toughest time of all. Thankfully though our joy will then not be swayed by circumstances, and according to James our joy will increase the tougher it gets.

Lets not look for easy road, as someone once said, “If a path leads somewhere and doesn’t have any obstacles on it, it probably goes somewhere not worth going.” I am special, and so are you but lets remember to stay humble, that in ourselves there is nothing good (that is in our flesh). That we are in essence, just a clay jar holding a treasure so insanely Beautiful and so Majestic. Lets put less emphasis on how special we are, and more on how Special He, Jesus, is.

Sonship

I was doing a search on adoption quotes for #WorldAdoptionDay yesterday and I cam across a quote that literally blew my mind and opened up Ephesians 5:1 on a whole new scale to me. Here is the quote:

"It is not imitation that makes sons. It is sonship that make imitators." Martin Luther

So why did it blow my mind? You see God has really been taking me through the grinder lately and focusing on bringing a healing and recalibration in how i see myself in Him and how i believe He see's me, basically my identity. Because of various circumstances growing up I carried an unhealthy view of my identity into my adult years, but through some loving father figures and some eina 'klapuccinos' with them :) God has begun a work to heal these cracked lenses I have been looking at myself and other through. At first I wanted to fight, you see the way I observed how to deal with conflict as a young boy was if there is a perceived threat you hit hard and you hit first, incapacitating the threat and thereby averting any further conflict.

This filtered into most of my interactions with people, for example I would be corrected on a piece of behaviour that might not have been appropriate or fitting and instead of taking it calmly and adjusting I would perceive it as an attack, a threat that needed to be fought and nullified. This helped me to lose friends and win enemies. I began to view a correction or discipline as an attack on my character which often left me with feelings of loneliness as I tried to separate myself from any potential threat by avoiding family and friends and by keeping everyone at an arms length, never allowing anyone close enough to penetrate my walls of protection (read seclusion).

You see I was living like an orphan. Perceiving rejection, but rejecting first before I could be rejected. Then God began to shine a light into my heart, as father figures began to speak truth to me over a 10 year period, it started on a couch in Anthony Meek's living room. It was tough, there was tears, weakness, it was foreign, it was vulnerable, i hated being vulnerable, i tried to fight it but who can stand against the power of God, against the loving patience of His saints, against the shear redeeming force of His love? Like Jacob wrestled with God, I attempted to wrestle although in my case it was not for blessing, but rather to remain comfortable. To not face the pain or heartache, to leave it buried, trying to convince myself I was ok all the while having it fester beneath the surface. I believe most people know where they need help or breakthrough but never take hold of it because there is something in our nature that once we are uncomfortable, even in pain, we will fight to stay there.

So because I was viewing my identity in God through a cracked lense I began to 'approach' Him as my lense believed was best. I read Ephesians 5:1 which says to be imitators of God... Cool, I thought, I an do that! So I set about trying to imitate God with every fibre of energy and zeal with in me. The trouble is I was trying to become a son through imitation, obedience and zeal which in itself is works and a serious lack of faith. It is an attitude of having to earn my sonship, my adoption as God's son when in fact He was calling me to faith, faith that I was already His son, that my identity as His child was secure and not based on works. I was trying to live out the first part of Ephesians 5:1 without considering the second part. Yes, be an imitator of God, but be an imitator AS beloved children and not SO we can be beloved children. I can imitate God, because I am His son. I am not His son because I imitate Him, there is a massive difference. "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Ephesians 5:1