Susi Milligan

Unearthing Potential Through Love

[susimilligan]

Center of Gravity

I’m riding on the back of Brad’s motorcycle through Kenyan backroads in a rare moment of being alone together and the beauty of the moment consumes me with gratitude. I am grateful God has blessed me in this moment for so many reasons but in particular because Brad is more relaxed in Kenya, he smiles more, he moves more easily, though at times he is still stressed when we are together. I feel the conflict of the two emotions in him as I hold on riding on the back of the bike. 

  As we move over rugged terrain, it is revealed to me how being the passenger on the back of the bike is a metaphor to my role in our marriage in so many ways. The biggest way I see is that I must align my center gravity to Brad’s. When I’m riding on the back of the bike, his center of gravity keeps the bike steady, if I’m leaning side ways or back, it throws him off and he has to constantly readjust. But when I’m aligned with him, the ride is smoother, we get to where we want to go with greater ease. 

It also makes me realize all that he is doing to keep us going in the right direction, upright and safe. He is constantly, instinctually, and intentionally thinking of how to lead us well, considering my needs of safety, comfort and enjoyment, because that is the kind of guy he is. 

  I typically live somewhat unintentionally, mostly in an reactionary state. So if I was always on the back of the bike it would look like, never holding on, leaning every which way to see all the monkeys in the trees, the kids on the side of the road, and the amazing landscape. I don’t look ahead to the washed out road coming up or pay attention to my driver until we are on the washed out road and I have to cling to him for dear life. 

  No wonder our relationship stresses him out! As I long to better understand Brad and our relationship, this feels like a new layer of awareness for me. Its probably obvious to everyone else but its a big aha for me in this moment. While the feminist in me shouts, “you can be the driver!”, this metaphor seems the better fit for my relationship, the nature of who we are, who I want to encourage Brad to be,  and where we want to go. 

That ride was two weeks ago. For the last two weeks, I’ve been asking myself daily, how do I align my center of gravity with Brad? It helps me see where he is, what he might need in that moment or that day so I can take an intentional step towards him rather than a distracted step away. Things have been so crazy in the last two weeks that its hard to tell the impact, and I’m certainly not perfect with it, but it feels like the right direction.

[susimilligan]

Changing My Glasses

I have had the same conversation with a few people recently. I’m not sure how it gets started but what they have in common are the following statements:

I challenge the belief of God because...

The church has done so many terrible things both in the act and in the response

If God was so good why would he let so many terrible things happen

I don’t feel God

I don’t want to be “hoodwinked”

I would believe in God if

he showed up

I experienced something that defied all logic that helped a large group of people

I wondered the same things. I was waiting for God to prove himself to me. I was waiting for him to show up. And then with the simplicity of a question and the example of daring faith, my position of waiting changed to pursuit. Someone asked me what I believe, I saw the way they made bold choices because of their faith and I really wanted to find out the answers for myself.

I changed my perspective, I put on new glasses. I began reading more about who God is, I actually read the Bible!? I asked questions and while I have terrible control issues, I tried to be open to what I heard. The result: The world has changed completely for me. I walk in a freedom of being loved, a weightlessness of understanding who I am, a freedom from control because of forgiveness, all from knowing God more.

God pursued me, gave me opportunities to know Him. But until I began to pursue Him, I couldn’t see where, when, how He showed up.

In the beginning I’m not sure I was fully convinced. So I adopted the question: What does it hurt to believe? Did I hate to be wrong so much that I would sacrifice eternity? I was hurt by the church, by people who were supposed to be Christian but did not love well. My walls were way up. But little by little they started to fall.

I changed my glasses to see all those who hurt me in a new light that provided me freedom from the weight of carrying that pain.

If you are reading this and your guard is up, you are worried this is where I begin to tell you to believe. You don’t want to be told what to do. It turns you off and shuts you down.

I know I can’t convince you but please know this, I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry for the wall that needed to be built to guard your heart. I’m sorry that it may have been me that caused some of the pain.

While I believe the Holy Spirit lives inside me I can still be selfish and controlling and desire to be “right”. And I am so very sorry. I ask you to forgive me. Not for me, even though I so desire it, but for you. Forgiveness frees you from the burden of carrying the pain and suffering and I want that for you. I want freedom for you.

The greatest freedom happened for me when I changed my glasses. I went from waiting and carrying the weight and pressure of expectation and standards that were beyond me to living in a freedom of being loved and cared for. Living well loved is a freedom unlike any I could have imagined. I want that for you.

I encourage you to stop waiting, change your glasses. Pursue God. He loves you.

[susimilligan]

Tango

I would never consider myself a dancer. I barely have a beat. But about ten years I decided I really wanted to learn to tango. I as planning a visit to Argentina and it seemed immensely romantic to me to travel to Argentina and go to a milango and actually tango, not just watch.

I signed up for lessons and invited my boyfriend at the time. He agreed and I was thrilled. With great excitement, I entered the class room. I have a tendency to move into new situations with blind arrogance, I have no idea what to expect but I think if I go, try hard, push hard, I can do anything. I’m like a bull in a china shop, or so it feels at times. I barge my way through with good intentions and then stop to realize I’ve left a trail of brokenness behind me. And so it happened at tango class.

If you’ve ever watched Tango, you’ve probably seen how the partners glide across the room with graceful limbs extended and dramatic flair at times. The partner’s bodies are synchronized in every way, the slightest movement of the head, hand, foot is together. Its beautiful. Its delicate. Its connection.I wanted that. But I didn’t realize what it would take.

That first lesson the instructor gave us some basic steps to do on our own. Ok, I thought, I can move my feet well enough, I’m off to an ok start. Then we had to do the steps with a partner. I was with my boyfriend and instantly, things changed. I thought I was doing everything correctly and was trying to get him to do it my way. I was trying to lead because that is what I do. He knew that wasn’t quite right but was trying to work with me but getting frustrated because that wasn’t working. He asked me to stop leading so we could try to make it work. I tried but my body and mind didn’t really know how. I was so practiced in leading my own thoughts and body, I really didn’t know how to allow anyone else to lead. It was an awful first night at tango lessons.

We fought afterward and questioned whether we should go back. I still wanted to but he wasn’t so sure. The next week we did in fact go and things were a little different. This time, we switched up partners and I was able to dance with others that were experienced and some who were not. There was one older gentleman who had a great grasp on the dance. It was clear he had been doing this a long time. Dancing with him meant he was the leader. No question. It was amazing. All I had to do was surrender to his lead and we tangoed me across the room and it felt like I was actually graceful for once, not the bull in the china shop. I felt alive and lovely, moving with ease, my whole body changed from rigid frustration to peaceful fluidity. Wow!!

A light bulb went off for me. All my leading, pushing, clumsy determination was so unnecessary. Why was I pushing so hard if it could be so marvelous in the surrender? It was a metaphor for my life, my relationships, my work. I fought to lead but why was I fighting so hard? Control. I wanted it because of past loss and pain I didn’t want to experience again. But what I didn’t realize was that by trying to white knuckle my life and the people in it, I was creating the exact scenario I was fearful of. Ugh.

Realization is sometimes the hardest step in change. You see yourself with clear eyes for the first time and after the adrenaline of the aha moment wears off, you (I) see how it wasn’t anyone else’s fault, it was me all along. Oy that stinks. That moment happened again this morning (10 years later), on the floor in my bathroom. I was listening to a worship song called “And We Dance” by Bethel Music. Listen to it. So good. From the beautiful words of the song, it painted a picture of the singer dancing with God and made me remember my aha moment from Tango lessons. When I surrender, I find freedom, grace and beauty in the experience. What a stunning picture to fix my eyes on in such a time that all I want to do is control.

Dear God, you are the ultimate dance partner. You lead with kindness, strength and grace. I never have to wonder what our dance will be like when you are my partner, because I know it will be exactly what is right for me. I surrender Lord. Let’s dance.

[susimilligan]

A different way

A couple different friends in turmoil reached out recently. 

What an honor to be called upon. 

Not because I can solve problems, but because I know the One who does. 

I can pray, I can listen, I can share my experience. 

But in the end, I will always send those who ask, back to the One who 

Gives the path to unfathomable healing, forgiveness, and grace. 

The One who has turned my places of despair to joy, 

My desperation to wisdom, 

and my blindness to sight. 

He always gives an out, a different way.

[susimilligan]

Quick to Listen

Brad and I are out together with our son Luke who is two and a half. Brad has just made a noise about to say something but held himself back.

I’ve heard that noise before. It is usually in response to my parenting of Luke and means "I’m not going to say it now because you’ve told me its a bad time, but I want to discuss an idea on parenting that might generate greater results.” Brad is kind and thoughtful and well intentioned but what that one sound means in my head is “You’re doing it wrong again and I know a better way because I’m smarter and can always see what you can’t and did I say it before? - You’re doing it wrong!”

I hear that noise and I see red. 

And all the times I’ve heard it before I’ve lashed out, sometimes attempting to calmly respond but still using words with venom. But this time I stop myself. I take a breath and attempt to breath in God and make a better decision about my response. I make a choice that isn’t based on emotion, because I’ve done that before and it has lead to a breakdown in communication and feeling terrible.  

I don’t FEEL like letting this go and choosing an alternative approach but I chose to believe in God and His alternative to the situation until my heart catches up. So I pray to God to give me the words my heart doesn’t feel. We have all been there. That point that we can realize we are about to go down the wrong path AGAIN and this time, we want to do it differently but our emotions get in the way. They lie to us and tell us we are owed better because we just KNOW that other person has wronged us.

But God is pretty clear about this one. James 1:19 (NIV) My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

What if I was quick to listen in this scenario? Would I hear, that Brad stopped himself from speaking at a bad time? Would I see that he is really trying and remember that each suggestion we have talked through calmly before has helped me a ton? Would I be able to put myself in his shoes and give him the benefit of the doubt on his intention to help rather than jump to the conclusion that he is accusing me? Would I avoid being angry, which I hate to be? It consumes my mind and energy and puts me in a bad mood.

I think yes, all these things that I want to happen would. But it is only by God’s grace that I would first stop to listen. So this is what I pray for. God, grant me discernment to understand when I need to slow down, listen and truly hear what is happening with your heart, not mine.

I tried it. I took a deep breath, I prayed for God to give me words through grace. I calmed down and when I was done working with Luke, I said to Brad, “I know there is a way I could have done that better, do you think we could talk about it when he is napping later?”

Brad smiled and said yes. Later we had a productive conversation and I wasn’t angry, he felt heard, and I was open to trying something he brought up. It actually worked. And we are stronger for it. Now if I can just do it again next time...

[susimilligan]

The Best Changes Don’t Happen Overnight

How many times do I think, God just change this right now! 

But He doesn’t.

WTF?!? Yup, I acronym curse. 

  But then when the anger, fury, angst, subsides and I’m able to listen. 

What is happening? Why won’t you change things? Why is this thing the same?

Then I understand, because listening to God is more of an awareness and understanding of how God created the world, not always the talking cloud. And I see - I may not be ready for the change. My heart wants it desperately but will my life be able to support and love immediately in the change? Does my heart need to change first?

Then I see, in my life how slow changes have prepared me for the life I lead now. They have given me the ability to adapt to things I could have never loved through before. Change takes a lot out of me emotionally, physically and spiritually.

The best example of slow change is loving Brad. Our approach to relationships is often in opposition. In opposition, our needs aren’t met and its often a battle of wills.  

But God has done a work in me, far greater than I could have ever done myself. He has taught me that love is a choice. It may be a passion for the first bit, but it is a selfless choice for the long run. An everyday choice that gets easier because my heart becomes his heart and I evolve into someone who loves the way Brad needs me to love him and he evolves into someone who loves me the way I need to be loved.

The change is slow, but generous when surrendered. And as my dad says, "when you stop to look up, you’re on the other side.” As a result, I’m wiser, changed, alive in a new experience that I have overcome only by Grace. I am so grateful the journey, the challenges that happened to help me learn, grow, evolve. The me I am in Grace. I’m no longer desperate but willing to wait for the change. Because the joy of the journey in change can be far greater when learned slowly than if it happens overnight. God knows this. He knows my heart.

So when I am desperate for change, I still cry out but the question is more often “show me.” the action is more immediately surrender for one small step than one large change. And that is a beautiful thing.

[susimilligan]

My Psalm 3

The way you provide is amazing. Your plan for me plays out in ways I could never have planned myself and are perfect. 

When I couldn’t imagine a job that would work, you created it. 

When the money was running out and you had me focus on building people up rather than look for a job, you provided. 

You challenged me with giving and then replaced the money in one week. 

Who does that!? 

You do. 

You’ve built a trust with me so that I no longer worry about where and how. 

Even the worldly things that I long for you’ve provided, just to be generous. 

You are an amazing God. 

Thank you.

[susimilligan]

My Psalm 2

You make me fearless. 

Knowing that you are with me makes me brave. 

Knowing that you aren’t just watching me step off the cliff, but you jumped before me and are at the bottom. 

Even if the bottom is the worst thing I’ve experienced, I know you can make something good from it. 

 You alone can triumph I’ve tried to fit, succeed, go big, all on my own. 

 There are times when things worked out, but most of the time they didn’t. 

And when they worked out the way I wanted them to, it never resulted in the joy I was expecting. 

 Until you. 

 I started to shut up and listen, 

 Ask for forgiveness of my need to control, 

 And take leaps of faith when you called me. 

And I learned how to trust you So that I could be fearless, 

So that I could love well, 

So that I could experience a freedom in life from the worry, striving, fear. 

Thank you God.

[susimilligan]

My Psalm 1

When I determined intellectually that I believed you were the son of God and you had to suffer and die so that I could be saved - because I needed saving - I didn’t realize all the glorious things that would happen in my life. 

I didn’t realize that knowing you helps me to see the world for what it truly is.

I didn’t know that understanding you meant understanding myself and the people around me more clearly. 

That through that understanding grace is possible because you gave me grace first 

Thank you for showing me fearlessness and giving me a place to put my fear

Thank you for giving me a heart to love beyond selfishness and the patience to come back to it when I am selfish You are an amazing God. 

You give me ceaseless forgiveness that I can’t wrap my head around 

Provision that defies logic 

Miracles that surprise and amaze me 

And even in my darkest and challenging times you give me joy and peace 

Please don’t stop calling to me. 

Amen

[susimilligan]

Change

We were sitting at the breakfast table this morning and I looked out to see a white field and a very faint horizon. The clouds are coming in over the mountains and we are preparing for another snow. Unlike snow in October, I’m ready for this one and feel its timeliness produce far less stress. The subtle horizon made me think about change.

Maybe it was the realization that this snow is not going to rock me as much or the landscape of Montana is really taking hold in my psyche, but something about the horizon and its slight difference in color between the land and sky started me pondering change.

So often change in our lives can be subtle, like this mornings’ sky.  Small changes over time often go undetected and don’t mess with our sense of balance or routine. Good small changes, like implementing healthy eating one meal at a time or incorporating more gratitude in life one thank you at a time, can grow to improve your life in the long run without too much pain or disturbance.

But in the same way, small negative change can be deceitful and alter your life in severely negative ways. How many times do we think, "just this once" about something that we know isn’t great for us and that decision to do it again and again gets easier. Small choices like lying to a spouse/yourself about money spent or one more beer before you drive, could lead to big credit card debt or a DUI (or worse).

As I write this, I’m reminded that big change never really starts big. Its always a series of small choices that lead to an inevitable point of clarity. Like a clear horizon. The dramatic difference between land and sky is like the clarity you get during big change.

Big change is always a learning opportunity, because the vast contrast of before and after change makes you see things differently. Just like the sky on a clear day.

I may be reaching here.  But as the new year approaches and I inevitably begin to look at the future and dream about the year I want to have and the changes I want to make, I find myself wondering, what small choices have I made this year that have been good and bad? What big changes might be about to happen? And what small good changes do I want to start?

[susimilligan]

No Mommy - Me Do It

That is Luke’s favorite new saying. He is exhibiting his independence, his will and starting to take control of his own life. He is exploring to see if he can accomplish things on his own. Sometimes this statement is then followed with "Mommy help.” But more and more as he grows and learns, it is not. Recently, my little guy who wouldn’t go further than he could see us started exploring places on his own. 

  As I work through a current conflict in my life, I realize I am doing the same thing with God. Over the last couple years, I’ve lost some good habits of staying close to God. It’s not something that happened overnight but a slow evolution. With all the change over the last year, I’ve been mostly in reaction mode and gotten into some bad habits of trying to tackle life on my own. “No God - Me Do it.” I’ve stopped prioritizing the time with Him to prioritize Luke and Brad. My mistake is not realizing that to prioritize my guys and have the strength and wisdom to love them well, I need God’s help. “God Help.” This is causing me to get stuck in the same conflicts over and over and succumb to the same lies. 

  The repeating conflict has made me desperate. It is a good reminder to me, that I need God to help me find my way out. I need him daily for strength to overcome conflict and survive even the smallest questions in my life.  I need Him to love better, I need Him to be in balance and prevent my world from going out of focus. I’ve got to do more than wing it with God. I’m reprioritizing, building back some good habits, and taking leaps of faith to find again the balance of life in this walk with God and so grateful He is there every time I say “God Help."

[susimilligan]

Four Years Ago Today...

Four years ago today, Brad and I got married. Four years doesn’t seem like a long time but our marriage has gone through a great deal in a short period of time. Multiple moves, job loss and change, good friends moving, infertility, birth, depression, change in faith, travel, parenting, selling property, new location, building community - lots of life’s biggies. 

  I love Brad. I still get excited to see him when he walk-in the door, hear what is on his mind, and explore and appreciate things together. But if I’m honest, life has been pretty challenging the last four years. I thought I was good at change, I’m not. We have had ALOT of change. 

I thought life would be a little easier in relationship, someone to share things with, its not. I’ve come to understand, relationships don’t complete you as much as they fine tune you. All my rough edges are being worn down in relationship and while that is a good thing because I long to be smooth and shiny, it doesn’t always feel good in the moment. 

  But the big thing that has kept us moving forward towards better moments and I pray always will, is our choice to love. 

We have all the negative experiences that every couple does but it never goes that long before one of us choses to let go and act loving towards the other person. We step outside of our own selfish rights/needs, pity party, frustration and into an act of selfless love and kindness. Most of the time the act is small; sitting close, listening, asking a thoughtful question and waiting for the answer, or even doing the dishes. 

For me, those small acts of love usually take prayer and Holy Spirit power because I am stubborn beyond reason and get in my own way. God is generous in those moments and shows me how allowing him to work through me can change any difficult situation to one of love and kindness. If God can change my stubborn heart, he can change anyones. 

  I’m so grateful for Brad. He instinctually loves me well. He amazingly thinks about me first most of the time and is so thoughtful about his actions. He is an amazing gift to me as I bumble through life acting first and thinking later. I know it won’t always be this much change and struggle and I am hopeful for those days. But for now, I am extremely grateful that I have a husband that continues to chose love even when its hard and a God who makes it easy to chose love despite my own self-righteousness.

[susimilligan]

Big vs. Small

I can do the big choices to love pretty easily. I can move across the country, give up a high paying job, and live far away from friends and family to love better. These are the choices that make look me look like a loving person and help me feel valuable as a loving person. But it is the little everyday choices to love that I most struggle with and seem to make the bigger impact. 

When Brad is battling with the depression and I am having a hard time myself, I find I use the excuse in my head that I don’t have to be kind or caring or loving to him right now because I’ve moved to Montana, sacrificed, and am struggling myself. I think because I made those big choices to love, I should get to coast for a while and he shouldn’t need me.

  Sadly, life and love doesn’t seem to work that way. At least mine doesn’t. Even if you threw me the most amazing surprise birthday party, I would still get annoyed if you don’t put your dishes in the dishwasher after.  Rightfully so, my husband needs to be loved well and my 15 month old, well he is by nature one big need. 

I’ve had a wake up call recently when I heard Brad express the same need for the umpteenth time. He wasn’t whining, he was lovingly expressing a hurt and need. A sort of light bulb went off for me when I heard myself think, “how many times is he going to say the same thing?” 

I had been missing the point of the conversation each time he had told me. Rather than think, how can I love him better? I thought, “why isn’t it enough that I did all these other things to love him and he still needs more?” Pour me, I have to do one more thing for my husband.

  Then the lightbulb went off.  This is where God has had the biggest impact in my life and transformed the way I think and act. Before God, I would continue thinking this way until I blew up at Brad, building resentment and expecting him to fix himself. But now that I know God, I’ve seen the truth in the situation: - Brad’s need is going unmet and I have the power and opportunity to meet it - Loving him this way doesn’t have to mean hardship for me 

- I’ve been given Brad as a gift and helping meet his needs can be one of my greatest joys 

- If Brad were to find another way to have his need met, it might drive him away from our relationship 

So i dropped the pity party, well, mostly.  And adopted a new set of questions for my opportunities to love: 

- What does Brad need to feel loved today/right now/this week? 

 - What does Luke need to feel loved today/right now/this week? 

- What would it take to make that happen?

Then I try to listen and say “yes", when opportunities arose or I needed to plan something to happen. 

  I need to change somethings and I realized I had a goal: to love Brad in a way that he doesn’t have to have his needs unmet again.  I’m happy to report, with some challenges, I’ve gotten some positive feedback and affirmation that my small choices are being felt as love. Brad came back in to the house after finding a love note I left him in the car today and gave me a grateful kiss. i could tell he felt loved in a way he had been missing. 

  I’m going to attempt not to miss out on the small choices to love. They can be the most rewarding :)

[susimilligan]

May my words be a gift

My bible study recently started a forty-day word fast avoiding words that are judgmental, critical, sarcastic, negative, complaints, and gossip. The big running joke is we will be a very quiet group. 

  We’ve been reading the first few chapters of “The Forty-Day Word Fast" by Tim Cameron and I’ve been anticipating another tried and failed fast. Lent was a huge struggle for me to give up sugar and I sadly got wrapped up in my control and avoided walking with God in the process. I’ve been falling into lies I thought I had defeated but as I learned in the garden this morning, some roots run deep and those are the ones that hurt your back. 

I am worried for this fast that I would make it for a few days with it top of mind and then, as usual, fall off. I’m feeling stuck in my relationship with God. I’m avoiding spending time with Him lately and trying to stay as busy as possible. It is impacting my life in negative ways and I was hoping this fast would help me get into better habits of saying Yes to God when I feel called and even make him more top of mind. 

In Bible study this morning we listened to a talk by Florence Littauer discussing the impact of our words and focusing on the fact that our words can (and should) be gifts, little silver boxes with a bow. The story she told had an impact for me and repositioned the experience of the fast from avoiding the negative, to taking action on the positive. That I can do! 

Giving gifts to people in encouraging words is something I truly enjoy doing. The thing I like about it most is that I get to think about who they are and what I truly appreciate about them, to better understand how God has created them and attempt to affirm for them what I hope they already know. If they weren’t aware, what a treat to help them see something God has made them to be (at least for me). 

So watch out friends, I’ve changed my perspective on this fast and made it more of an opportunity to share with people the encouragement I feel from them. The next forty (now 37 days) will now be lots of fun for me and I’m hoping the enjoyment of it will impact my decision for saying yes to God more often.

Prayer: God may my words be a gift to those who hear or read them. May they be your words of encouragement. I pray with the help of the Holy Spirit you remove the negative words from my mouth and help me create sincere, loving words of encouragement. Thank you for this opportunity to know you more.

[susimilligan]

The Fear of The Ask

I am leading a mission trip back to to Kenya and I have been putting off posting the raising money part of the trip. I hate to ask for money. I think its because I am put off sometimes when people ask me to give. Why is that? When I really stop and think about it, it’s actually an honor to be asked. It takes courage and vulnerability to ask someone for something. You run the risk of being rejected. But more importantly you have an opportunity to experience something beautiful and rewarding. 

  But there are so many opportunities to give. I think part of the offense I feel sometimes is guilt of not giving to everything. I’ve really struggled with this and have for a long time. I have an underlying fear I could give everything away and have nothing or that my money won’t go to where I want it to. Once a woman on the subway asked me for money and I gave her an apple that I was going to eat. She was so offended that I would give her an apple and not money she threw the apple away right in front of me. I was appalled and I’ve been using that as an excuse not to give to people who ask me for things on the street. 

  But I wrestle with not giving because Christ calls me to give what I have and in return He will provide for my needs. 

  Luke 21: 1-4Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. And he said, “Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

And he has provided for my needs in HUGE ways and small ways over and over again when I’ve taken a leap of faith and given. I’m embarrassed to think about how petty I am and how much I’ve missed out on when you’ve asked me to give when you were running a race to cure a disease, gone on a mission trip, started in the mission field, or fought to keep a mentoring program going. I know first hand the amazing reward that is in store for me when I leap, even if its only for a small amount. I become more invested in your story of making a difference when all I can do is write a check. I see the progress you’ve made in the lives of others and the difference it makes in your life. You are happier, more fulfilled, perhaps you even understand God a bit more through your experiences and asking. This makes me super happy. 

So don’t stop asking and I pray now that I will reflect on this conversation with myself and give joyfully. 

  2 Corinthians 9:7 Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

And at the same time I’m confident in a God that has given me the opportunity to ask you to support my trip to Kenya. If you have the opportunity to give, I’d love to share this experience with you in a more invested way. I’ll share photos and the experience of investing in lives that matter with the children at Rehema Home. I help to convey as much as I can the struggles you are helping them overcome and see the opportunities you are giving them through investing in my trip. If you feel called to give, you can here. 

  If this isn’t right for you, I trust you will find the right opportunity to give and feel the reward that awaits you there.

[susimilligan]

Declaring Love

I’ve been putting off writing and in prayer this morning I felt the following conversation. 

God: What Do You Want People To Know? 

Me: That I love you. 

I thought saying “I love you” to God was hokey and weird when I first started going to a non-catholic church. There was a song with the refrain “I love you Jesus.” and I remember not even singing it because it was so strange to me. But now I get it. 

  Matthew 22:36-37 “Teacher, which commandment is the greatest in the Law?” Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 

I’ve done a lot of thinking and talking about what love is, but I had an insight in writing “I love you"; declaring love is also an immensely powerful act.

When was the first time you told some one you loved them? Maybe you said it first and were nervous because you weren’t sure they would say it back. Declaring your love for someone makes you vulnerable. Vulnerability makes you susceptible to greater hurt but also to greater intimacy and deeper love. We don’t gain great love without being vulnerable.

I haven’t been posting my writing. I wasn’t open to being vulnerable in the last 6 months. I think this move and all my life changes made me raw to emotion and vulnerable in ways I couldn’t control. I wasn’t open to intimacy but I’m starting to let go… slowly.

Declaring my love for God makes me strange to some people. It makes me vulnerable to contradiction and ridicule. But it also creates opportunity for God to express His love back.

Like being told “I love you.” God’s love fills me with excitement, passion, confidence, peace, hope, energy. There is no other motivator that moves me when I am standing still, inspires me to love others, helps me make the hard decisions, and makes me overcome my fears for posting about my love of God. 

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

It was an extreme step to declare His love for me, that his son should be tortured and die so I can have eternal life. And not just eternal life but hope and guidance for living the challenges of this life. So today I declare it again in vulnerability and confidence, I love you, God. 

[susimilligan]

Hello January

So here we are. A year of big changes, bold choices, and testing things out behind us. One of those choices, living on a ranch in rural Montana through the winter, has been the big question for me. How will I do? What will it be like to live in bitter temperatures, heights of snow, and seclusion?

It’s Monday, January 2 and its -15 degrees outside and snowed 5 inches yesterday. But I’ve learned its not the snow and cold to worry about on the ranch, its the wind. It’s not windy today, thank you God, that means the drifts won’t grow and make the driveway impassable. We can still get out if we need to! Even if I don’t go out that plays a big roll in my mental health.

Unlike last week where it got up to 40 degrees, the temperatures look like they will stay in the single digits or negatives. So I’m creating alternative plans to avoid cabin fever. But its bigger than that. I’ve been dreading January because its the month between Christmas and our trip to Florida in February. We don’t have anything major planned and I get restless in January.

For most people its a time to plan, kickstart new behaviors. I’m thinking I should not just avoid cabin fever and muddle through January, but see if there is a way to thrive and begin to get excited about January in cold weather.

How do you do that? 

  I have no idea so I’m going to Pray: God, you have placed me here for a reason. I suspect its not just to see if I can survive. Reveal to me how to move in your grace, energy and wisdom. Show me how to use my time, talent and energy to thrive for you in January.