āāāāsmile Ā that Ā had Ā been Ā sitting Ā so Ā comfortably Ā on Ā face Ā lingers Ā for Ā another Ā heartbeat, Ā and Ā then Ā another. Ā until, Ā somewhere Ā between Ā the Ā music Ā rolling Ā across Ā and Ā the Ā warmth Ā of Ā her Ā hands Ā over Ā his, Ā it Ā begins Ā to Ā soften Ā into Ā something Ā quieter. Ā something Ā that Ā he Ā doesn't Ā have Ā a Ā name Ā for. Ā something Ā that Ā lingers Ā beneath Ā the Ā surface.Ā Ā Ā
āāāāāāāāi'm Ā really Ā glad Ā you Ā said Ā yes Ā tonight.Ā Ā Ā
āāāāthe Ā words Ā don't Ā sound Ā entirely Ā remarkable. Ā they're Ā simple. Ā they're Ā honest. Ā the Ā sort Ā of Ā thing Ā she'd Ā always Ā said Ā to Ā him Ā without Ā thinking Ā too Ā hard Ā about Ā it. Ā so Ā why, Ā in Ā the Ā middle Ā of Ā the Ā dancefloor, Ā among Ā bodies Ā of Ā strangers Ā pressed Ā towards, Ā did Ā they Ā feel Ā so Ā different. Ā honey Ā browns Ā search Ā for Ā her Ā for Ā a Ā fraction Ā longer Ā than Ā they Ā normally Ā would, Ā as Ā though Ā the Ā answer, Ā like Ā usual, Ā might Ā be Ā somehow Ā hidden Ā there, Ā tucked Ā behind Ā the Ā familiar Ā curve Ā of Ā her Ā smile Ā he'd Ā spent Ā more Ā than Ā half Ā his Ā life Ā memorising. Ā mouth Ā opens Ā automatically, Ā prepared Ā with Ā another Ā terrible Ā joke Ā about Ā his Ā dancing, Ā another Ā exaggerated Ā complaint Ā about Ā having Ā his Ā full Ā name Ā used Ā against Ā him, Ā anything Ā to Ā keep Ā them Ā exactly Ā where Ā they'd Ā always Ā been.
āāāānothing Ā arrives. Ā the Ā silence Ā catches Ā up Ā to Ā him Ā first. Ā it Ā settles Ā between Ā them Ā without Ā notice, Ā without Ā asking Ā permission Ā and Ā without Ā either Ā of Ā them Ā rushing Ā to Ā fill Ā it. Ā and Ā that, Ā more Ā than Ā anything Ā else, Ā is Ā his Ā undoing. Ā because Ā silence Ā had Ā never Ā been Ā uncomfortable Ā with Ā her. Ā it Ā was Ā easy, Ā always. Ā his Ā life Ā always Ā held Ā space Ā for Ā aniyah, Ā somewhere Ā inside Ā a Ā meticulously Ā crafted Ā world Ā that Ā was Ā his, Ā she Ā had Ā her Ā own Ā corner, Ā so Ā much Ā so Ā that Ā he Ā gradually Ā stopped Ā noticing Ā where Ā she Ā ended Ā and Ā everything Ā else Ā began. Ā she'd Ā become Ā a Ā habit Ā in Ā the Ā gentlest Ā possible Ā way. Ā if Ā she Ā called, Ā he Ā answered. Ā if Ā she Ā wanted Ā company, Ā he Ā went. Ā if Ā she Ā look Ā over Ā her Ā shoulder Ā with Ā that Ā promising Ā grin, Ā he Ā was Ā already Ā walking Ā behind Ā her Ā before Ā she'd Ā even Ā spoke, Ā before Ā the Ā c'mon, Ā it'll Ā be Ā fun Ā could Ā leave Ā her Ā lips. Ā not Ā because Ā she'd Ā convinced Ā him. Ā because Ā somewhere Ā along Ā the Ā way, Ā she'd Ā become Ā the Ā easiest Ā decision Ā he'd Ā ever Ā made. Ā the Ā one Ā thing Ā that Ā require Ā zero Ā questioning, Ā she Ā became Ā a Ā home. Ā and Ā he Ā rarely Ā stopped Ā to Ā examine Ā the Ā feeling Ā of Ā home.
āāāāhands Ā remain Ā where Ā they'd Ā landed Ā so Ā naturally Ā against Ā her Ā waist. Ā not Ā possessive. Ā never. Ā just Ā ā¦ Ā familiar. Ā in Ā the Ā same Ā way Ā her Ā stealing Ā hoodies Ā had Ā become Ā familiar. Ā in Ā the Ā same Ā way Ā she'd Ā fallen Ā asleep Ā on Ā his Ā shoulder Ā more Ā times Ā than Ā they Ā could Ā be Ā bothered Ā to Ā count. Ā in Ā the Ā same Ā way Ā finger Ā found Ā each Ā other Ā crossing Ā roads Ā without Ā either Ā of Ā them Ā consciously Ā reaching. Ā it Ā had Ā always Ā been Ā like Ā this. Ā always. Ā so Ā why Ā ā¦ Ā why Ā did Ā it Ā suddenly Ā feel Ā like Ā he Ā was Ā touching Ā her Ā for Ā the Ā first Ā time Ā ?
āāāāit Ā wasn't Ā the Ā first Ā time Ā and Ā the Ā shift Ā of Ā thumbs Ā against Ā fabric Ā stills, Ā as Ā if Ā the Ā tiny, Ā subconscious Ā move Ā had Ā started Ā him Ā more Ā than Ā it Ā should. Ā optics Ā follow Ā it. Ā then Ā return Ā to Ā her. Ā she's Ā still Ā smiling. Ā still Ā laughing Ā at Ā him. Ā still Ā niya. Ā exactly Ā as Ā she'd Ā always Ā been. Ā and Ā there's Ā only Ā one Ā thing Ā that's Ā changed, Ā a Ā slow Ā ache Ā settles Ā somewhere Ā deep Ā in Ā his Ā chest. Ā not Ā sharp Ā enough Ā to Ā hurt, Ā not Ā gentle Ā enough Ā to Ā ignore. Ā people Ā had Ā joked Ā for Ā years Ā about Ā them. Ā constantly, Ā and Ā why Ā was Ā it Ā now, Ā in Ā a Ā haze Ā fuelled Ā of Ā whiskey Ā and Ā bad Ā decisions Ā was Ā he Ā realising Ā they Ā were Ā right? Ā because Ā there Ā wasn't Ā someone Ā waiting Ā for Ā him Ā at Ā home, Ā because Ā maybe Ā they Ā were Ā in Ā the Ā same Ā place? Ā emotionally. Ā he'd Ā responded Ā every Ā time Ā someone Ā placed Ā him Ā and Ā niya Ā in Ā the Ā should Ā be Ā together Ā category Ā the Ā same Ā way. Ā laughing Ā lightly, Ā rolling Ā eyes, Ā hoping Ā his Ā girlfriend Ā never Ā heard Ā those Ā words. Ā because Ā they Ā didn't Ā understand Ā niya Ā and Ā his Ā relationship. Ā but Ā standing Ā now, Ā in Ā a Ā throng Ā of Ā people, Ā for Ā the Ā first Ā time Ā in Ā so Ā many Ā years, Ā the Ā taste Ā of Ā whiskey Ā on Ā tongue Ā and Ā her Ā laughter Ā in Ā his Ā ears.
āā what Ā if Ā they Ā understood Ā it Ā better Ā than Ā he Ā ever Ā had Ā ?
āāāāchest Ā tightens, Ā not Ā because Ā the Ā idea Ā feels Ā wrong, Ā but Ā because Ā it Ā doesn't. Ā and Ā that Ā terrfies Ā him. Ā throat Ā bobs Ā with Ā a Ā hard Ā swallow, Ā dark Ā eyes Ā drift Ā across Ā her Ā face Ā with Ā an Ā attention Ā he'd Ā never Ā allowed Ā himself Ā lately, Ā catching Ā details Ā he Ā knew, Ā but Ā somehow Ā missed Ā despite Ā seeing Ā her Ā nearly Ā daily Ā for Ā most Ā of Ā his Ā life. Ā the Ā warmth Ā still Ā colouring Ā her Ā cheeks. Ā the Ā way Ā loose Ā strands Ā of Ā hair Ā catch Ā the Ā lights Ā strung Ā across Ā the Ā dancefloor. Ā the Ā tiny Ā crease Ā beside Ā her Ā mouth Ā whenever Ā she Ā smiles Ā at Ā him, Ā specifically Ā at Ā him. Ā as Ā though Ā she'd Ā worn Ā that Ā smile Ā so Ā often Ā it'd Ā become Ā permanent. Ā how Ā had Ā he Ā never Ā ā¦ Ā no. Ā maybe Ā he Ā had. Ā maybe Ā he'd Ā just Ā buried Ā it Ā so Ā deeply Ā beneath Ā years Ā of Ā friendship Ā and Ā other Ā relationships Ā that Ā he'd Ā forgotten Ā this Ā feeling Ā had Ā ever Ā existed. Ā maybe Ā everyone Ā else's Ā jokes Ā hadn't Ā planted Ā the Ā idea. Ā maybe Ā they'd Ā simply Ā been Ā pointing Ā at Ā something Ā he'd Ā spent Ā years Ā unable Ā to Ā see. Ā and Ā all Ā it Ā took Ā was Ā a Ā relationship Ā ending Ā fight Ā for Ā him Ā to Ā realise. Ā ć Ā yeah Ā ā¦ Ā ćĀ Ā Ā voice Ā leaves Ā him Ā almost Ā quietly Ā enough Ā to Ā disappear Ā beneath Ā the Ā music. Ā it's Ā unfamiliar, Ā softer Ā as Ā fingers Ā flex Ā against Ā skin, Ā moving Ā her Ā closer Ā without Ā the Ā realisation Ā of Ā doing Ā it. Ā ć Ā me Ā too. Ā ć Ā nothing Ā witty Ā follows, Ā nothing Ā playful. Ā just Ā the Ā truth, Ā simple Ā enough Ā to Ā embed Ā a Ā fear Ā in Ā his Ā chest.Ā Ā Ā
āāāāsurroundings Ā blur Ā together, Ā life Ā continues Ā around Ā them Ā but Ā he's Ā paying Ā no Ā attention, Ā just Ā background Ā noise, Ā like Ā tv Ā static Ā and Ā none Ā of Ā it Ā reaches Ā him. Ā his Ā focus Ā is Ā just Ā her. Ā just Ā the Ā warmth Ā between Ā his Ā hands. Ā just Ā the Ā impossible Ā awareness Ā that Ā she's Ā standing Ā impossibly Ā close, Ā by Ā his Ā own Ā doing. Ā the Ā movements Ā of Ā drawing Ā her Ā even Ā closer Ā are Ā natural, Ā so Ā much Ā so Ā he Ā doesn't Ā realise Ā he's Ā done Ā it Ā until Ā the Ā small Ā distance Ā has Ā disappeared. Ā breath Ā catches, Ā she's Ā always Ā been Ā closer. Ā just Ā never Ā like Ā this. Ā or Ā at Ā least, Ā not Ā like Ā this Ā for Ā years Ā now. Ā honey Ā eyes Ā lift Ā to Ā meet Ā hers, Ā and Ā for Ā a Ā fleeting, Ā dangerous Ā moment, Ā the Ā rest Ā of Ā the Ā world Ā disappears Ā entirely. Ā there Ā isn't Ā music, Ā there Ā isn't Ā people, Ā or Ā a Ā fight Ā he'd Ā spent Ā all Ā evening Ā trying Ā not Ā to Ā think Ā about. Ā there's Ā only Ā her. Ā looking Ā back Ā at Ā him. Ā his Ā chest Ā tightens Ā again Ā with Ā that Ā thing Ā he Ā can't Ā name. Ā not Ā because Ā he Ā wants Ā to Ā let Ā go. Ā but Ā because Ā he Ā doesn't. Ā because, Ā for Ā one Ā selfish Ā moment, Ā holding Ā her Ā like Ā this Ā feels Ā painfully Ā right. Ā and Ā maybe Ā it's Ā just Ā the Ā alcohol Ā but Ā the Ā realisation Ā lands Ā painfully. Ā cruelly. Ā not Ā like Ā lightning. Ā but Ā like Ā the Ā shores Ā of Ā capri, Ā quiet Ā enough Ā that Ā you Ā don't Ā notice Ā it's Ā rising Ā until Ā you're Ā already Ā standing Ā knee Ā deep. Ā he Ā looks Ā away Ā first, Ā because Ā if Ā he Ā doesn't, Ā he's Ā not Ā entirely Ā sure Ā what Ā he'll Ā find Ā if Ā he Ā keeps Ā looking. Ā a Ā quiet Ā breath Ā escapes Ā him, Ā almost Ā becoming Ā a Ā laugh Ā before Ā dying Ā somewhere Ā in Ā his Ā chest. Ā ć Ā one Ā more Ā song Ā ? Ā ćthe Ā question Ā is Ā no Ā more Ā than Ā a Ā murmur, Ā body Ā tucked Ā down Ā to Ā whisper Ā into Ā ear. Ā hands Ā never Ā leave Ā waist. Ā because Ā he Ā tells Ā himself Ā that's Ā where Ā they Ā belong, Ā where Ā they've Ā always Ā belonged. Ā and Ā it's Ā only Ā after Ā a Ā moment Ā that Ā another Ā thought Ā follows, Ā quieter Ā still. Ā maybe Ā they've Ā never Ā belonged Ā there Ā as Ā friends Ā at Ā all.
