Airless; Out of The Water
Characters: You x Chen
Genre: Romance, Slice of Life, Metaphoric, Angst, Drabble
My father used to go fishing every other weekend. He’d rise at four in the morning. Chop, chop, chop, goes the butcher knife against the wooden board. The kettle squeals in delight as its thermodynamic assignment concludes. I curl back into the comfort of softness and heavenly clouds disguised as earthly cotton and sheets.
But three consecutive knocks ramble against the doorway and I’m up on my feet, racing toward the bathroom to accompany my father on his road to recovery. After a week’s worth of holding back anger, pushing through ridiculous requests from superiors, and sleeping only two hours per night, it was only right to take the day off to recoup.
With a pail in one hand, and an extra net in the other, I waddle my way, trailing behind the middle-aged man. He had sure aged ten years in the short course of one. A worm squirms around between his scarred up hands as he fastens the bait onto the hook and lowers it into its demise.
A ripple appears amidst the previously unadulterated surface. And all there was left to do was play the waiting game. I tap my sandals against gravel as seagulls swish in aerial chase, seeking for the perfect opportunity to snag its prey without the wasted efforts of sacrificing a pawn piece.
The pole curves as my father leaps onto his feet, his spine arched back, feet in battle stance, reeling in with the purity of his muscles to come out as the final winner. A five-inch grey tripe sputters out of the water, thrashing from left to right at the utter shock of mere betrayal. I hold out the bucket to catch the fish but my father unexpectedly tosses it back into the ocean. Bathed in displeasure of its strayed meal, seagulls gawk furiously as they soar above my head.
“Papa, why did you release the fish back into the sea? Was it not good enough?” I innocently ask.
“Oh no. Just catch and release. Just for fun.”
“Yeah, don’t want to kill them. Just for fun,” he chuckles as he loads another bait and prepares for round two of his thriller game.
The worm wiggles in his hands.
I innocently continue, “You hurt them by tricking them into your grasps and then throwing them back to die a painful, drawn out death…”
The pole curves but he doesn’t move to get it.
Rain splatters along glass, dragging, dragging long streaks of vapor and distilled water before finally settling on the realization that perhaps, sometimes, letting go was better. Perhaps, today, things were different, bonds broken, and wounds resurface but once upon a time, we were all happy. Or at least, I was.
Flashes of smiles, laughter, sweet exchanges or little nothings, even the arguments and drama color my mind with rainbow merging into ash taupe. I lift the steaming mug against my lower lip, allowing my coral lipbalm to moisten the dry porcelain. A breath of steam vaporize into the artificially heated café.
Like a fish out of the water, I rub my still frozen palms against the circumference of the mug to steal its warmth. Never one to excel in socializing, I fidget left and right with my heart racing ten times the speed of normality. Would this end up the same as all the previous almost happy endings?
They’d hold my hand, sprinkle sweet kisses against my cheeks, one even said the prohibited three words, just to eventually toss me back into the ocean. Was I not good enough? Was it my fault? It must have been my fault. So I spent my time floating on the surface of the water, waiting to be caught, wanting to be caught. PICK ME! PICK ME! Only I am left. All my friends have found their happily ever after. So…pick me…Please…
“Hey, I’m Kim Jongdae,” the voice of an angel rings from my left.
My fingertips sting from my excessive grip on the heated porcelain of my coffee mug. Dumbfounded and still lost in my own thoughts, I stare up, dazed, at the handsome young man. The corners of his lips curl up into a chummy kitten smile. What cat doesn’t eat fish? I nod in acknowledgement and he proceeds to take the seat directly opposite of me.
“Sorry to keep you waiting, there was just so much traffic,” he withers in shame.
A red flag instantly hoists up. Being late on the first date and making an excuse – best to guard myself. Automatically, my arms wind around my cold body.
“It’s…it’s okay…” I stutter so as to not completely cut off my only chance at survival.
“Are you cold?” the man gentlemanly asks and begins to rid of his jacket.
“No, no, I’m fine,” I stand guarded.
“Hm…” he nods and rebuttons his coat. Clearing his throat, he flips open the menu, “You must be hungry.”
“Thirsty, if anything,” I mumble and curse my own desperation but the refined man throws me a sweet smile. He orders two Italian entrees, some wine, and quietly notes to the waitress to turn up the heat next to my seat.
As we wait for the dishes to be served, Jongdae initiates the familiar who, what, when, where, why introductory conversations of every first date. He was a vocal teacher, at a high school, located down four blocks from the café, and lived in a small but cozy condo by the sea.
“Do you fish a lot?” I hear my voice ask.
“Hm?” he stumbles at my random question.
“Fishing…” I murmur as I twirl spaghetti on my fork.
“Ah, fishing,” he observes. I hold my breath but brave a façade of indifference so that he wouldn’t know of my weakness. “Nope, I don’t.”
“You don’t?” I instantly reply.
“No. My neighbors do but I just don’t understand the whole fishing thing. I guess it’s calming for some but the whole thing of luring them with bait, mortally wounding them, and then tossing them back into the water – just for fun – is strange to me,” Jongdae casually responds as he slurps his pasta.
My brows cave and my shoulders loosen as I gaze admirably at the young man, before me.
Despite my determination to walk home, my attractive date insists on giving me a ride.
“No, it’s okay. I live just around the corner,” I make up the excuse and proceed to slide his jacket off my shoulders.
“It’s kinda dark outside though,” he hesitates as he motions for me to keep his jacket on. “Do you mind if I walk with you home…just to make sure you are safe?”
I shift my feet against the doormat.
“…and as a punishment for being late?” he adds and then jokingly remarks to lighten up the mood, “I must have lost a lot of points for that…” Jongdae scratches his head and sighs.
“No…I was just early…” Because I am too eager. The door opens, sending a gust of wind, as strong as sea currents, into the café. Shivering, I stumble backward and round my arms securely around my small form. Jongdae tells me to wait. My eyes follow him as he trails off to the counter. In less than five minutes, he returns with a steaming cup of hot chocolate.
“Drink this while you go home so you won’t be cold,” he instructs as he takes my hand and wraps it around the cup. I, inadvertently, shiver from the magical touch of warmth.
“Thanks,” I smile and dig in my pockets for money to pay him back for his kind gesture but he shakes his head. His eyes scan my guarded state with an ounce of sympathy and forgiveness. This is when they back off. Because I am inexperience. Because I am not popular, unwanted – a leftover. No one wants leftovers…
But he slips his fingers through mine and squeezes.
“Let’s go,” he encourages and half tugs me out the door due to my baffled state at his unexpected response. “It’s a little chilly now that autumn’s here,” he observes as he glances up to admire the fully circular moon. It’s frigid and light drizzles of Heaven’s tears coat my bare skin but Jongdae’s palm is warm and cozy. To swindle more of his heat under my possession, I shyly close the distance between us to a mere inch. But he surprises me by bringing my hand to rest on his chest. As gentle as ever, he wraps both his hands around mine and chafes invisible fire into my bloodsteam. I flush salmon rouge but hold my breath as to not let my fears ruin the moment.
“Good night. Sleep well,” the gentleman grins as we stop in front of my gates.
“You too,” I whisper with my head low, unable to command my confidence from beneath the waters.
As natural as ever, Jongdae loops his fingers through the valleys of mine, squeezes my minute hands, and leans in to plant a honeyed kiss on my forehead. I begin to see glittered stars and swirling cosmic remnants.
That night, for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep with a smile casted along my pink lips and his heavenly voice singing in my ears.
Drifting Drifting Drifting
The hook drops, immediately, I lung forward, surrendering myself to anyone – young, old, bald, rich, anyone. Just take me. I don’t want to wander alone anymore. The line reels in as I elevate upward…out of my comfort zone. It burns. Air escapes my grasps, my heart pulsates in paradoxical enrapture at being chosen and poignancy at the realization that it was over.
Mercury streams from by wound but finally being someone’s numbs all pain. I stare, unblinkingly, at my capturer. Eyes of lightning sparkle briskly in my direction as he chuckles in joy at his living trophy. Handsome, with a vocal of Heavenly Angels, he buckles forward to rub his human flesh against my scales.
Touch of love. A river cascades down my widened eyes. Finally.
Squeezing my body, he detaches the needle from my flesh. I mask a wince, not wanting him to prematurely see my flaws. The young man scans my body. Am I good enough? Enough meat? Big enough?
Snap. A flash of lightning blinds me as my capturer holds me up against him and grins for a picture. But just like all the other almost relationships, I was never good enough to be shown off in public. Just in private, as if we had committed a crime. An underground relationship.
My body throttles in mid air, begging to cling onto the last memory of his magical touch against mine before I am tossed right back into sea. Salted water infests into my wound like cancer cells. It stings, it stings everywhere. Instinctively, my fins flap around for a chance at survival. But my heart pauses. Scar after scar. Am I not tired? Gradually, the flaps subside and I sink into the very depths of the ocean – motionless.
I jolt up in bed, forehead lined in beads of sweat, heart pulsing in inhumane beats. The mellifluous melody of my phone drums against my mattress. Running my fingers through my damp hair, I reach out to scan the glowing screen.
Perhaps, it’s safer to lock my heart and hide alone.
“There’s always other fishes in the sea. Why cry for that one that got away?” a friend used to say.
“Haven’t you learned your lesson. Don’t fall for the bait anymore,” another advised.
And yet, with wound still fresh, I venture back to shore, swimming against the current to the blurry surface just for that one chance that someone would settle for me. Maybe I wasn’t as pretty as all the beauties of the seven seas. Maybe I can’t fill you up, but if you pick me…if you just…pick…me…I swear I will give you my everything.
“Hello?” I suppress the tremble in my voice.
“Hey,” Jongdae’s beamed, “I’m outside.”
“Outside?” I murmur as I knock my throbbing head several times and rummage around my vanity table for my glasses.
“Yeah, for breakfast,” he chuckles.
Blurry blotches sharpen into clear images.
Right, Jongdae and I had agreed for a second date…
But the wound…it still throbs…I place my palm against my chest, ridding of the jitters and shivers and bareness of my heart.
Jongdae calls for my name after a minute of silence.
“Oh, sorry! I slept through my first alarm. I’ll be down in five!” I answer as I scamper over to my restroom.
Still chuckling, my date jokes, “Guess we’re even now. Take your time.”
We stop in front of a typical Asian canteen. Jongdae orders as I pick a seat outside, decorated by the natural luminance of the morning sun and the soft laced shadows created by the tabletop umbrella.
“Did you sleep well last night?” my handsome date asks as we fill our stomach with yummy sandwiches.
Briefly, I pause. My eyes flash aquamarine, before, I force on a smile and nod. Jongdae narrows his eyes but brushes it off to rave cheerfully about one of his students who had auditioned to become a trainee for SM Entertainment. Instead of listening, I discover my attention zoned in on the glass fish tank, beside the restaurant’s kitchen, which housed an over abundance of captured souls desperate to just be chosen.
He walks me back home and presses his lips against the back of my hand.
We went on a third date, then a fourth, a fifth…I was sinking too deep, way too fast. He was perfect. Sweet, considerate, everything I ever wanted in my other half. But that dream…that hook against my jaw spread chains and shackles throughout my fearful heart.
His laughter colored my world with rainbows and sunshines; his hugs thawed out my frozen heart. But in the back of my mind…
Each time… I wondered…when…just when would it be our last? Just like everyone else, he was bound to get tired of me soon…
“Happy Two Month Anniversary, Jagiya!” I open the snapchat of Jongdae grinning cheesily into the screen.
With a fluttering heart, I automatically snap a picture of myself as a response but my thumb hovers over the send button as I feel the sharp hook sink into my flesh. Biting my lower lip, I deleted the picture and instead, simply reply with “Good Morning (: Happy two months!”
He shows up at my door with a neatly wrapped bouquet of my favorite daisies. His eyes glint in twinkling gold as they scan my lips for a kiss. Shyly, I plant a kiss on Jongdae’s cheeks as mine paint in rosy red.
“Are you free today? We haven’t had a date for over two weeks, Jagiya. I miss you,” a text read, a few weeks later. I could almost hear Jongdae pouting.
My heart skips a beat but my toes flounder two steps back, away from the blurry and deceiving surface of the vast seas.
“Someone must have hurt you deeply in the past,” my date concludes.
And I feel naked and torn that I was so readable to the naked eye. On reflex, I pull my hand away but he holds on.
“For a beautiful and intelligent girl, like you, to be so guarded…” his voice lines with a scintilla of sorrow. “I promise, I won’t hurt you.”
That’s what they all say.
“I can walk home by myself,” I almost wheeze as I back away further, choosing to be alone and safe than to jeopardize myself with the temptations of hope. Internally, I began to reprimand myself over and over again for the stupidity of agreeing to this blind date – this last step – before I sink into the depths of the Earth’s core.
No one wants to feel like they’re constantly at the edge of the cliff, with bare feet trembling on eggshells. I am ruined; I have trust issues. He deserves better.
“Hey. Hey,” he latches onto me and coaxes, “That was my fault. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”
“No, it’s mine. It’s my fault. I’m…I’m…” I babble as I feel my breathing hitch within my chest, a forewarning before an inevitable anxiety attack would ensue. Quickly, I bow and scurry off but the kindhearted caregiver chases me down. His fingers, meant to play various instruments, from strings, to brass, to flawless woodwinds, curl around my arm as if playing musical keys along my scaly skin. I shiver and swing him away in panic, like a fish betrayed and freshly thrown against pavement.
“Hey, hey!” his tranquil voice calls out as I continue to fight from his grasps. He tosses both arms around my trembling, heap of a mess form. I began to thrash around as a final means to breakaway. Even as his hook cuts along my throat, I’d rather die a free fish, than a caught prey. “Shh…shhh” he hushes and I finally realize the tears drenching my paled cheeks. “Shh…I got you…shh…tell me what is wrong…”
Nothing. Nothing is wrong! Just let me –
“I’ll protect you,” Jongdae promises, “Don’t worry.” He eases my cheek against his chest via his gentle taps against my slim jawline. I tremor as his fingertips graze against the weakest point along my throat, where scars healed upon scars. And I almost buckle under the suspense but the rhythmic beats of his chest coats my ears with much needed honesty and solace. Fearful yet hopeful, I peep my head slightly out of his caress. He surprises me by capturing my lips with his that tastes of shea butter and fresh spearmint. The hook. I held my breath as he moistens every crease of my flesh with an abundance of water and oxygen necessary for a fish out of water. Closing my eyes, I wait for the sharp pain of my inevitable fate under a traitorous love, but he surprises me with his gradual and delicate release that left my old wounds undisturbed and shielded. I blink as I gaze up with golden eyes of faith and wonder. His thumb strokes my doughy cheeks as he leans in for another quick peck, which causes my heart to slowly surrender; my body melts against his embrace.
“Whatever happened in the past, I will protect you from it. I won’t take you or your trust in me for granted,” he soothed my scars with his genuine words.
“You promise?” I quietly ask as the chains and locks slowly loosened against the metal gates of my heart.
His chin bobbles against the top of my head as he presses me tighter under his armored wings. “Promise.”
I lean closer against him as the ice melts from my stone heart to burble in fluttering beats.
“So will you give me a chance to love you?” Jongdae requests as he places his lips against my right temple, moistening my soul with endless delight and trust.
Airless, like fresh out of the waters, I nod. Just as it takes one betrayal to wound a heart, it only takes one pure love to heal a scar. For, in his promise, a fish didn’t need to toss herself into realms unmatched for her species, just to be chosen and loved. In his unconditional protection, he granted me endless oceans, freedom, and adventures but also a safe haven where I could call my “home”.
A/N: Hola my BunBuns, hope you liked that scenario! I wrote this back in September for @swaggypenguinz ‘s bday but didn’t finish it until like December. For some reason, every time I write Chen scenarios, I end up getting intense Kim Jongdae feels for like a week thereafter.
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