I don't know what to put here

Hello, I'm Edwin Jarvis-Europa, but please for the love of all things holy just call me Jarv. Loving husband to Ava Lordan-Europa, the most beautiful, amazing, spectacular walking dead you'll ever meet. She also can make a mean sandwich. Hit me up if you want to do something exiting or crazy. I'm good for those things. Also, science. No M!A Currently.

[swagjarvis]

AU where Jarvis meets Clint and Tony's great great great great great grandchildren????

A discarded android twitched in his slumped over position, the folds of his suit stiff and layered with fine granules of dust. His vacant eyes glowed dimly blue, staring at nothing in particular. The cellar was old, older than the robot could remember. Floorboards creaked and warped with dampness and the walls of tight red brick bended inwards right on the precipice of buckling. Thunder boomed through muffled walls, making the rats skitter in aggitation. Small leaks of rain water seeped through the cracks and dripped from the ceiling, running streaks across the cold lifeless face. 

Muffled voices permeated the stagnant air as two sets of footsteps approached the ancient oak wood door. A boy and a girl, obviously excited, forced the swelled wood open with a push, the rotting wood swining dejectedly on its hinges. "God, it reeks," the boy wheezed, choking on a harsh miasma of spores and rot as he leaned against the doorframe. "I love adventure but I wish it wasn't so gross."

The girl punched the boys arm playfully before encircling her slender fingers around his wrist and tugging him into the cellar. They each touched their necks and asked siri to turn on the flashlight built into their watches. A band of light sputtered to life on the girls wrist, illuminating the ground beneath them.

"I'm sorry, Ainsley, I didn't quite catch that. Did you say: Turn on fleshlight?" The boy spluttered out a weak WHAT, NO as the girl burst into a fit of giggles. The light streaming from her wrist bounced around the room as she moved to hug her stomach. 

"I don't have one of those," he stuttered out, blushing. 

The girl grinned and helped him turn his flashlight on manually. "I know, A-Bar. I know." She flashed him a knowing look before stepping farther into the room, slowly illuminating every nook and cranny. Her shoe jammed on something solid and she looked down and-

"HOLY FUCK ITS A DEAD BODY."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD"

Ainley quickly pressed his hand to her mouth, muffling her third OH MY GOD. "WAIT! Check it out! It's an android."

Slowly, she turned toward the dormant body and eyed the wires protruding from his pale prosthetic skin. "I thought they were all dismantled. Aren't androids illegal?"

"Yeah, but this one must have escaped," he breathed, kneeling down to examine the robot's dead eyes. "Do you think you can fix him, D-Star?"

"Woah woah woah, is that even a question!? I am a direct descendant-"

"Of Tony Stark bluh buh bluh," Ainsley cut her off, rolling his eyes in the dim lighting. "We're both superhero offspring. The crowd goes wild, cheering on our great great great great great grandparents having hot great great great great great grandparent sex."

"...So was the sex great or were you just talking about their age?"

"Shut up, Danni."

She chuckled and crouched down beside him, dragging her fingers through synthetic hair to shake out the dust.

"How are we gonna get this to my place without the cops seeing us? Do you think we can... pull a weekend at bernies?" Danni asked, chewing her lip.

Ainley whipped his head around melodramatically to look at her. "Are you really using last weeks history class right now? Really?"

"Do you have any better ideas!?" Danni said heatedly, her mouth pressed into a thin line.

"Okay, fine, but if we go to prison for this, everytime I drop that soap, I'm gonna think of you," he muttered in defeat. She smirked and jumped over to Jarvis's other side, the two of them pulling him up by his armpits. It took a lot of maneuvering and a few well placed lies before they laid the android on Danni's bedroom floor. Ainsley felt as if he was playing some sick robotic version of operator as Danni's nimble fingers reached into the chest cavity to pull out a burnt palladium chip.

"Man," Danni muttered in awe. "This thing is ancient. Cold fusion hasn't been used for a long, long time." They hung out in her bedroom for days, their grease-covered hands smearing countless sketches of energy converters. Nobody sold paladium chios anymore, so they were forced to invent some way to conform the 3 gigajoules per second output into something with a little more kick, like what a pure vibranium core could give. 

Finally, Danni pressed the new synthetic skin in place, smoothing out any odd juts or angles. "Good as new," she announced with pride, already dragging her greasy hands over her shirt. "I changed his activation sequence to the sentence 'on wednesdays we wear pink'," Danni boasted, as Ainsley grinned excitedly.

"I don't even care that that's the dumbest historical reference I've ever-"

The robot grabbed the nearest wrench and pointed it threateningly at the two teenagers.

"-Heard..."

His voice slurred, the robot enunciated his words slowly. "Don't. Try. Anything."

[swagjarvis]

You know what I'm not even gonna fukin' come back from the dead or whatever hello yes you are talking to the ghost of Jarvis past

[avalordan-europa]

Horchata

[avalordan-europa]

 It was rather difficult to discern whether or not she was hallucinating, if this wasn’t some oddly realistic manifestation of her subconscious wishful thinking, or if Jarvis really had dug himself out of the ground more than two hundred years after his burial. While the second one seemed highly unlikely, she had to remind herself that she’d done it once too… Perhaps the Europa’s were ultimately incapable of accepting defeat.

 Ava approached him timidly, half expecting this to be a dream in which she would wake up at any moment. “And Jarvis, you’re looking dapper, as always. Oh, what are we going to do about that suit? Suppose I should’ve buried you in something more casual in the event that this happened. God knows the universe can’t keep a Europa in the ground for very long." A sudden grin grew on her lips because she didn’t expect anything less from them. A few hundred years apart and they could pick up a conversation as if it’d only been a couple of days. Ava was reminded why she fell in love with him in the first place.

 "Just wait until you see the dry-cleaning technology they’ve come up with, Jarv." 

[swagjarvis]

Jarvis grinned and shook out his suit a bit, small clumps of dirt falling to the ground before he flung the disheveled clothing over his shoulder. "Oh yes, dry-cleaning. Great invention, that. Though not much beats a good french coffee press," he rambled, not even thinking about it when his arm came to snake around her waist as they walked. It just seems as if it was meant to be there, that down deep in the very core of his programming that arms single built in purpose was to hug Ava close. The smile on his face never wavered and in fact only grew brighter with each fleeting glance in Ava's direction. 

No matter how beautifully eye-catching his wife may be, the world around him was a little more important. Honestly, was that a sidewalk or a bloody space station!? Of course Jarvis was glad the world kept spinning while he was out but they could have at least slowed down a tad. Honestly for the first time Jarvis felt a little... old. He'd have to start over, gain new friends as the Avengers would surely be long gone, let alone Zelda and Scott. Oh. Tony, he forgot about that bit.

He successfully wrestled a smirk back on his face but couldn't help the sinking feeling in his (non-existent) stomach. The man for whom he was built for, the sun he revolved around was.... Well, he'd deal with that later. No need to emotionally traumatize himself when there's a whole new Earth to explore. "Actually, mind telling me where we're going? I mean, I'm assuming it's the dry cleaners but I honestly can't tell if this is New York or Beijing." 

[avalordan-europa]

Horchata

[avalordan-europa]

 For a being designed to maintain a flawless memory, her recollection of the time she spent with Jarvis remained to be blurred, however, that could very well be the defense mechanism working. Almost immediately after his system shut down, Ava distanced herself far from anything that reminded her of her marriage. Within the first few years, she moved to Australia, stopped drinking coffee all together, never listened to another dubstep song again, became an animal rights activist, and avoided the title “widow” at all costs. She said it was something she’d always wanted to do, but anyone that actually knew Ava (which, after the whole dead/not-dead thing, there were very few), could see the words “I’m still coping with the loss of the love of my life” written plainly within her every movement. 

 But two hundred twenty-nine years later, no more than twenty-four hours back on Earth, sitting alone in a cafe, drinking an, at best, mediocre cup of coffee, she honestly couldn’t tell you why she was having flashbacks. Ava rubbed her eyes with her wrists and exhaled deeply. It’s been almost 230 years. You should be done with this.

The last time she visited his grave was fifteen years ago, a time in her life when she spoke primarily Italian, and most of her conversations revolved around food. There weren’t any flowers, there were no tears, she wasn’t even wearing black. It was a simple, “Hey, Jarv, it’s me. Thought I’d drop by. Italy’s coffee industry has really gone downhill within the last couple of years. You’d be pretty disappointed, man,” because even when he died, Ava knew he wouldn’t want her to talk to him any other way.

 After finishing the coffee and leaving a generous tip, Ava caught a cab and rode it to burial plot number 66203401, and after arriving there, she spent the first 40 seconds staring blankly at the loose soil.

 ”Well… shit.”

[swagjarvis]

He found a hose nearby the church, luckily a technology that never changed. He shucked off his shirt and jacket so as not to wet them completely and got to work on washing out the dirt in his hair. Mud coated his fingers as he threaded them through the strands of blond hair. Too wet to place his shirt back on, he only hoped no new laws against public semi-nudity had been put in place.

Jarvis was sopping wet and grinning wickedly when he dropped the hose in his hand. A silhouette had approached his gravestone and was staring blankly at the gaping hole with what he could only guess was disbelief. The wisp of her hair and way she stood made air catch in his throat; he could recognize that girl even if he'd been unconscious for god knows how long.

Grabbing his shirt and blazer from off a gravestone he cracked a rusty joint back into place and slowly approached Ava. His hands were raised protectively but his smile never wavered. "AVA! Long time no see!" he yelled cheerily, English accent even thicker than usual. "You don't look a day older, sweetheart, so I guess immortality is treating you well."

[tonystahp-blog]

Tony and his tech

[avalordan-europa]

Estimated age: 4.5 billion years

Average distance from sun: 780 km.

It wasn’t easy being back on Earth. No longer did it feel like anybody’s home. It had been approximately one hundred and fifty years since alien life was discovered in another star system, and since then, Earth had ceased to be the most important thing in the universe.

Distance from mother planet: 670,900 km.

Size: 3,100 km in diameter

Ava’s mind continued to work as if she were still on Europa. Statistics on Jupiter’s moon flew through her head in utter disregard of the new environment. It’d been three years since she last stepped foot on her home planet. Three years she spent living her dream. That dream, at least. 229 years is a lot of time to fester and obtain various dreams. Once she was a wedding planner. Another time, professional skier. The most recent: planetary scientist. Now the mission was done. It was time for a new dream.

 Which is why she came back. Europa and Callisto were wonderful places, but Earth was her home. So many had abandoned it’s lush plane of existence the second colonies were developed on different planets, but no matter now beautiful the view from different points of the solar system, nothing beat out Terra.

Average temperature does not waver above -160 degrees Celsius at the equator, and -220 degrees Celsius at the poles

  Ava almost laughed into her cup. It’d been so long since she’d had anything that wasn’t packed for space travel, that she almost didn’t recognize the taste of a freshly brewed cup of coffee. For the first time in three years, she looked out from the view of the street side cafe, and instead of seeing the dull red sky of Europa, she saw the bright blue vastness of Earth’s atmosphere. How could she have forgotten what it felt like to take a breath long enough to fill both her lungs, and not have that nagging worry of wasting oxygen? Had it really been so long since her departure that she had forgotten the sound of a conversation consisting of something other than statistics and estimations? It was almost… disconcerting how alien she felt on her own planet. And the emotions that the taste of coffee brought back didn’t help her nerves.

[swagjarvis]

Black, all he could really see was black.

Then again, that would probably be because his eyes were closed. Twitching his fingers, rusty gears began to turn and pistons began to fire, a reboot screen filling his vision with an obnoxious blue. Swallowing thickly, he fumbled blindly for his chest, his fingers almost arthritic with disuse. Finally, he placed his palm firmly on his stomach, the hiss of his maintenance panel sliding open painfully loud in his ears.

Wires tumbled out but Jarvis knew them by touch and memory alone, immediately setting to work to resolve the jam in his eyelids. Back up files flashed across his vision, loading screens and strands of code layering over each other like a cybernetic collage. With a flick his eyes burst open and his irises glowed with a light blue, illuminating his whereabouts slightly. A... coffin?

Well, that's inconvenient.

A grin crawled onto his face as laughter bubbled from his chest. Ava buried him!? Letting his chuckles subside, he tucked his wires neatly into his chest and looked down regretfully at his perfectly tailored suit, mournful that it would be ruined by the soil above. His kneecap slammed forcefully into the dark cherry wood, the coffin splintering from the impact. Dirt poured in from the opening and forced the structure to cave in on itself, allowing enough room for Jarvis to climb out. As dirt packed into his fingernails and dirtied his suit, all he could think was that he and his wife must be allergic to coffins, or rather, death itself. 

Once he had reached the surface he shook off some dirt, it was midday and the harsh sunlight made his pupils dilate to compensate for the brightness. A couple stood shell shocked over some grave a couple plots down and he waved at them cheerily. What a great day to be alive.

Jarvis tugged his hand through his mess of blonde hair, the strands clumped together to about the thickness of wire. Dust and dirt speckled every inch of him in a way that wasn't aesthetically pleasing. With a sigh, he trudged his way over the cemetery grounds in search of a hose or something he could wash himself with.

[swagjarvis]

Well, that was a rather nice map.

*looks out the window*

Fuck.

[keep-calm-and-flame-on-blog]

I feel I owe an explanation

as to why I’m being so sporadic  why threads get dropped and I go at a snails pace with replies. I don’t remember if I explained this at all on this account (I know I haven’t with others) but I’ll leave everything under a readmore if anyone wanted to know.

Read More

[swagjarvis]

just a heads up, even if I'm, like, never here poor Jarvis, man. At least he has a wife now, so it's not like he's THAT lonely if you nkwo what I'm sayin- okay I'll shut up now

[scotchwithasideofass-deactivate]

swagjarvis replied to your post: ((My brother was talking the other day about…

((I think Im at the nightblogging stage too since I just considered that a viable arguement and was about to retort with the idea that there are other ways to asexually reproduce like what if humans reproduced through fragmentation food for thought))

((Oh no, I’m not saying that there aren’t other ways for asexual reproduction, but thinking of that way specifically, I am glad I get my period because of it.  I would not like to be pregnant once a year.))

[swagjarvis]

((Gosh parthenogenisis would be such a downer like think of how many baby you's would be running around all genetically identical with the ecception of a few mutated genes here and there for the sake of variation. Never thought I'd say this but thank god for periods.))

[loki-cat2]

Jarvis messes with the janitors

[commanderrogers]

[izzyhill]

[karlcat]

REBLOG IF THE CHARACTER YOU RP IS A SASSMASTER.

[jacktress]

[kbst]

[swagjarvis]

...

oh.

[thmbvs-deactivated20130513]

[chiliconsharls]

[swagjarvis]

Just A Rather Very (Sassy) Intelligent System