You've Lost Me - Lando Norris
Pairing: Lando Norris x Reader
Summary: He let you slip through his fingers and didn't realize it until it was too late.
Warnings: Angst, language, some effects of depression, mentions of weight loss
Word Count: 10k
Comms: Here is my first F1 fic! I have been thinking about this for a while now and have been in desperate need of some more angst. So much so that I decided to write my own. I hope you enjoy, and I do not apologize for the pain this may cause. I am trying to figure out if I am fit for writing in this fandom. Note, this does not really follow real-time events. This is a work of fiction and does not accurately reflect any real-life human.
Part 2
10 years.
You had known Lando for 10 years.
The two of you had met when Lando was driving in Formula 4. It took him a while to catch your eye. He was a little awkward and didn't really have full control of his limbs, but when he got behind the wheel of the car, it was hard not to look.
You were in the garage three doors down, hands greasy and hair always up in a bun. Always looking older than you actually were, but had grown used to being around boys who resorted to stupidity to get your attention.
It never worked.
Your interest was in the cars. The dream - F1. The same as everyone else around you, just in a different capacity. You had your eyes set on becoming a performance engineer ever since your grandfather had been a part of Patrick Head's core team when Williams Grand Prix Engineering was founded back in 77'. When you came along as his first grandchild, he wanted you to be the one behind the wheel - so much so that he was also a part of founding the Williams Driver Academy. Little did he know, you only wanted to be under the car, not in it.
So when your younger brother was born, and then old enough to start karting, it thrilled your grandfather and opened the door for you to join your dad at the karting track. Spending countless nights with him in the garage, working on John's kart. The mechanics of the whole kart were so fascinating that it clicked almost immediately. Not much came naturally to you, but this did. Your dad noticed and started teaching you everything he knew.
That was only the start, only becoming more and more knowledgeable as you attended John's karting races and learning from anyone who would teach you.
With everything you were learning about the dynamics of the karts, you also learned early on that the boys would make a fool of themselves to get your head to turn. It didn't help that at the age of 10, you looked 12, at 12, you looked 15, and at 15, you had fully grown into your womanhood. Not that you cared, you just cared about the way the two-stroke engine sounded and how the gearbox shifted.
When your brother had been picked up to drive in Formula 4, the only person happier about it than he was was you. You had started to see your dreams become tangible. It was still far from the ultimate goal, but the knowledge you would have access to would only better your chances of getting there.
You could remember it like it was yesterday - your first time in a Formula 4 garage. The smell of the fuel, the low hum of the engine. It was everything you had dreamed of to this point. The one thing you didn't expect was a pair of eyes locked on you as you took in every inch of the car your brother would be driving.
You didn't notice him, too engrossed in the beauty in front of you, but your brother did. Went and stood right in Lando's line of sight, causing the Brit to turn a shade of red that mirrored a boiled tomato.
That was the first of many encounters your brother had with Lando, none of which you knew about at the time.
You had always been so engrossed with the mechanics before and after the races that Lando never really found the opportunity to talk to you, only get caught staring by your brother.
It wasn't until Lando had won his 3rd race that you began to notice him, but not in the way he was hoping. You found him annoying - irritating at how good he was in the car. You didn't understand how he dominated so quickly. His car was decent. Carlin did what it needed to do to provide a car that was drivable. Lando just drove like he owned the track - and if you weren't so stubborn, you would admit that.
That is, until one hot mid-summer afternoon, the heat got to everyone. You were sitting under a tree, looking over different suspension options from the data your dad had given you for John's car. An apple in one hand, tablet settled on your knee, and scrolling with the other.
Someone made their way to your little hideout. You expected it to be your brother, so don't bother looking up. It isn't until you feel something tap your arm that you look up to find Lando sitting next to you, holding out an ice-cold water bottle.
"Gotta stay cool on days like this," he says, dimples making an appearance with his goofy smile.
You are frozen in place, then make a move to flip over the data you had been combing through.
"I'm not interested in any of that," Lando says, still holding a water out for you. "Came over to make sure you don't pass out from the heat." His voice cracks at the end of his sentence, causing you to stop all your movements and look at him.
His cheeks turn even redder, if that was even possible. He tries to cover it up with a cough that turns into a choke. This could not be going worse for him, so he thinks. That is, until you do the unexpected and laugh. A genuine laugh that Lando vows to try to elicit from you every chance he gets.
Even at 15, he knows there will never be a sound more beautiful than your laugh.
You don't say anything, but take the water from him and take a sip. You must admit, the water is quite refreshing.
"Thanks for the water," you say as you bring the half-drunk bottle down and wipe your mouth. You don't know why, but you offer him your half-eaten apple, and he chuckles.
Smooth, you think. Real smooth.
You want to bury yourself in the ground beneath you, but he takes it and takes a bite, returning the thanks.
Neither of you said much after that, just sat in a comfortable silence. One that neither of you was really expecting but didn't want to break.
That was the beginning of your friendship. Quite moments shared underneath trees. Little conversations on cars and tracks turned into conversations about school and growing up in a different world than most.
The two of you share a very similar dream of ending up in F1, and that has grown you even closer to one another. You would hide out in corners and under trees and watch replays of F1 races - both breaking down the different racers, tracks, and car setups. You shared a deeper understanding of the sport than most.
The annoyance you had once held for the boy turned into respect and a fondness you tried to swallow.
At the end of the season, Lando had become the F4 British Champion, and both he and your brother were on the road to F3.
In that final race of the season, Lando jumped down for the podium and immediately swept you up into his arms. You were surprised. Your dad was amused, and your brother was pissed.
Once the garages were cleared out and everyone was leaving to take a break before the work really began in Formula 3, John pulled Lando aside. Even with your little brother being 2 years younger, it resulted in Lando taking a punch to the face and your brother with a bruise to the stomach.
When you found the two of them, they were lying in the street. They were laughing about how this was both of their first fights and both of their lasts. You asked what they were fighting about, but neither of them said a word.
That winter was spent hanging out with Lando and his friend Max. Whether it was in a group or alone, Lando would try to monopolize your attention. Little did he know, you were trying to do the same.
The two of you started dating when he made his debut in Formula 3.
It was actually during the first race of the season. You were prepping John's car with the mechanics when you heard some chatter. Normally, you wouldn't be bothered, but you hear Lando's high-pitched voice mumbling something about needing to see you.
You make your way to the opening of the garage, where Lando is standing with one of John's mechanics, who fully believes Lando was there to check out the competition.
"Lan, you can't be here - you should be in your car," you say, pushing him towards his garage. John was already in his car, and so was everyone else, from your knowledge.
"Stop pushing me!" He says trying to stop, but is not doing a great job. Even at 15, he is smaller than most of the other guys - an insecurity he would never admit aloud.
"You need to go," you are now pushing his back like a little kid pushing something too big for them to move.
"I will, but I needed to talk to you first," he says, turning around and holding your arms to stop you from pushing him.
"Lando, we will talk after! You aren't going to make it for the race," you say. He ignores you.
"If I win this race, go out with me," he says too fast, you can barely make it out.
It shuts you up, and you freeze.
He looks a little flushed, and his boyish face is trying to stay neutral.
Lando, nervous as one could be - clears his throat and repeats himself.
"If..-when. When I win this race," his voice cracks, and you almost crack a smile. "When I win this race, I get to take you out on a date."
You are speechless. A million things running through your mind, but the only one you can hear is a little voice telling you to say yes. You open your mouth, but nothing comes out.
Lando looks at you as if you are holding the win yourself.
In the distance, there are people yelling Lando's name to get in the car.
"You need to go, Lan," you whisper. His hands are still holding your arms. They ease when you don't respond to his statement.
He feels the hope in him dim as his hands drop from you, dropping his eyes - looking anywhere but you. He begins to turn and walk back to his car when you grab his arm.
His head whips up to look at you.
You nod, not trusting your voice as it had already failed you once.
Lando smiles from ear to ear. One of the goofiest grins you've seen from him.
He doesn't want to leave you, but the yells for him to get in the car only grow.
"Go," you say while giving his shoulder a little push.
"So bossy," he responds, smile never leaving his face.
You roll your eyes and brush him off, heading back to work.
Lando drives like a maniac during that race, finishing with a sizable gap to the driver in P2. His team celebrates the win, your team celebrates the podium, and you try to keep your head on, knowing that you will be going on a date with Lando.
The boy who hasn't quite grown into his body yet, limbs looking a little wonky. The boy who will sit with you for hours watching old races and arguing over who the best drivers are. The boy who knows how to make you smile even when you are anything but happy.
It's Lando, the boy next door on the track.
Little did you know that that was just the beginning.
Over the next few years, you watched Lando dominate in Formula 3, then Formula 2, finally making his way to Formula 1. Your brother only made it so far in Formula 2 and ended up driving the same time Lando's friend Max did.
You also had worked your way up, actually came into McLaren 6 months before Lando did - working with the front suspension mechanics. In 2018, you moved closer to MTC, Lando following you without question.
When he started talking about moving to Monaco, you didn't hesitate; you just let him know it would be smart to keep a house in Sheerwater, as both of you would need to be at MTC throughout the year. He kissed your head and told you how smart you were.
Over the years, you had learned more and more about cars and worked your way up to become the right-hand to the performance engineer. You were quite literally living your dream.
Your relationship had also grown over the years. Lando had become home in a way you never thought imaginable. Providing a comfort you never knew possible outside the small town your grew up in.
You and Lando had become the perfect pair, both on and off the track.
On the track, he had been improving season by season. He was working his way towards becoming the WDC, and both of you knew it was only a matter of time. You had been absorbing anything and everything you could. It had helped you move your way up within the team, which is a huge feat in a world full of men. Mark Temple had taken a liking to you and had opened every door that interested you. For the last year, you had been working alongside Will - Lando's race engineer.
Off the track, the two of you settled into Monaco. It was a great place to be, and you loved how simple life became. You and Lando had built a rhythm - off-weekend farmers markets trips, evening walks, discovering local coffee shops and restaurants. Even in the chaos of the season, when the two of you were in Monaco, nothing else mattered.
The media had their own views on your relationship, as it did everything.
It was split on you and Lando working so close to one another, but their comments never phased either of you. You had kept your relationship professional on track and decently private outside of that.
On one side, they argued that partners shouldn't work so closely with one another and that it would cause tension in the garage. When you were chosen to become a part of Oscar's garage, Mark sat you down and asked if it would be a problem. He saw a growth opportunity for you in McLaren's second seat and wanted you to be a part of it. You told him the truth - that when you and Lando walked into the garage, you both knew your priorities. Part of it felt full circle as it took you back to your Formula 4 days.
The other side thought you were the power couple of F1. This one made you chuckle because everyone on the grid knew that title belonged to Charles and Alex. And rightfully so.
Your favorite side of media was the one that would spotlight a woman in the garage at an F1 level. There had been a handful of women who had paved the way: Hannah Schmitz at Red Bull, Christina Williams at Mercedes, and Laura Mueller at Haas, to name a few. And now, you.
As time progressed, so did your relationship. During the 2024 season, is when Lando and you started talking about getting engaged. No doubts, just a matter of when. During summer break, the two of you went to a jeweler in Monaco to look at rings, but Lando's mom had already given him hers.
Everything was perfect.
But perfect isn't real.
There had been a shift in that last third of the 2024 season when Lando saw the WDC slipping away from him. He began to do something he had never done before - retreat from you.
It wasn't fast or all at once. But the decline was steep.
It came in the little things.
You had first noticed it in Brazil when Lando finished P6. It was so small you had thought you had been imagining it.
When the race completed and everything was being packed up, Lando would come and find you. It was never something the two of you had discussed as a routine, it had just become one. Even after some of Lando's worst finished and DNF's, he would find you.
That day, he didn't. You had finished packing everything up without a Lando in sight. It was odd, yes - but you didn't think too much about it.
When you were finished with everything you needed to do before leaving, you made your way to Lando's driver's room.
You give a quick knock before opening the door. It doesn't matter how many times Lando says you don't need to knock and can just walk right in; you still knock.
"Lan, you in here?" You ask as you open the door.
Lando is lying on his couch, eyes closed. He doesn't move when you call for him.
You walk in and set your bag down. You go to kiss his forehead when he flinches. It isn't major, but enough for both of you to realize.
"Sorry, love," he mumbles. He goes to lean closer to you. You brush your hand over his forehead and through his hair, kissing his forehead again.
He lets out a deep sigh.
"Today was shit," he says - eyes closed again, finally taking in your touch.
You don't say anything and let him breathe, sitting on the ground next to the couch.
"This whole weekend was shit," Lando says. You can hear the emotion in his voice. "I feel terrible for the sprint, the whole team order fucked Oscar and turned me into a media show. Then today, I started on pole and lost out to Russel at the start and made mistake after mistake."
You continue to run your hand through his curls.
One of his hands plays with the sleeve of your team shirt.
"I failed today," he whispers, and you lean in to kiss his shoulder.
"You didn't fail today," you say, knowing he won't believe it, but he'll try. "You had a bad weekend; it happens to every driver. And before you say anything else, I am not saying that to make you feel better because I know it won't. I am simply saying it because it makes you human and like everyone else on the grid."
He let out another deep breath, not knowing what he would do without you.
"I love you," Lando says, eyes meeting yours. "So much."
You give him a small smile.
"And I love you," you say, cupping his cheek. "Now, can we go home?"
Lando nods.
By the time you guys left the paddock, that weird feeling that had settled into the pit of your stomach had completely disappeared. But that was the first of many. Little pockets creating holes in your relationship without either of you realizing. A snag on a sweater that you don't notice until it becomes unrepairable.
The next race, he found you like normal. But that routine began to fade, alongside many others.
Over the final races of the season, you had seen a bigger shift in Lando. Pulling further and further away from you. That moment when he looked you in the eye in his driver's room and said 'I love you' felt like a lifetime ago, and it had only been a month.
When he finished 10th in Qatar, that pit turned into a sinkhole.
The two of you left separately after that race, retreating alone to the same hotel room. But only one of you returned. Youâd texted Lando several times, even called him twice, but didn't get a response from either.
You slept alone that night. If you could call what you did sleeping.
When he finally did come back to the hotel room the next morning, he brushed past you without saying a word. You follow him into the bathroom, where you find him washing his face.
Leaning against the doorframe, you watch him. Wanting to say everything and nothing all at once. You settled on three little words.
"I missed you," you say softly.
Lando lets out a little chuckle. Not one that is endearing, one that carries a chill that surfaces your bones.
"How could you miss me when you were texting me every five minutes?" He says with a bite that will for sure leave a scar. He mumbles, "Fucking suffocating."
You're taken back. He continues getting ready, and you make the decision to retreat.
It is not often you take a step back; you never really feel like you need to. But this is new for Lando. In all the time you have known him, he has never spoken to you like this. Has never made you question your worth. Or question anything that came to him, really. You were too stunned to respond.
Heading to your luggage, you begin to pack your things. You try to shake it off, tell yourself that this weekend was particularly hard for him. It was, it really was, but you also know that doesn't give him or anyone the right to talk to you like he just did. You're in shock.
After zipping up your luggage, you debate whether you should tell him that you are going to head to the MTC. He is headed back to Monaco for a few days, and that was your original plan, but plans change.
You are about to head out when you call him.
"I am heading to MTC," you say. He is still in the bathroom. You get no response, and you hesitate for just a second.
"I love you," you say just above a whisper as you slip out the door. You don't know if he hears you, but you don't say it any louder. The door shuts, and you are on your way.
Lando is still in front of the sink when the door closes. His heart feels like it's going a mile a minute, yet he still doesn't feel a thing. He said something to you, but he doesn't remember what it was. What he does remember is that he heard you say you were going to your shared house in Sheerwater. That was not the plan; you were supposed to fly back to Monaco with him - spend a few days hidden in your home before the last race of the season. Lando would be lying if he said he wasn't excited for the time alone.
The next few days are a living hell for you.
You begin to overthink everything. Giving Lando space was your conclusion, but you missed him. You miss him even though you are mad as hell at him.
Your brother calls you shortly after you get home.
"Hiya bean," he says, and you can hear the smile on his face.
"Hey John," you say, trying to sound as normal as possible, but he sees right through it.
You feel his shift before he speaks again.
"I'm fine," you say too fast. "Work has been crazy."
"Don't lie to me," he says.
You swallow as you try desperately to hold back the tears that are already sliding down your cheeks.
John whispers, "Talk to me, please."
You don't even know where to start. When did it start? Was it really that night after the Brazil GP? Or had it begun before them?
The truth is, you don't really know.
Your mouth opens to try to explain what is going on, but nothing comes out. Seems to be a theme lately - very unlike you.
In the softest tone he can muster up, John asks, "Is it Lando?"
You nod as if he is standing right in front of you. He knows you're nodding.
"That fucker," John starts, and you finally find your voice.
"He is just having a hard time," you say, automatically defending him.
"I told you not to lie to me," John says through gritted teeth.
You end up telling him everything, from the pit in your stomach started to your last encounter. John listens to every word you say.
"I don't know what's happened. It's like I don't even know who he is anymore. I don't know what I've done," you say. You are now sitting on the ground, legs pulled up to your chest.
"You didn't do anything," John says. "This is all him."
"I want my Lando back," you sniffle, and John is boiling over with anger.
"I swear the next time I see him, I am sending him through a-" John is on one now.
"No," you say. "No. No. No. It is okay. This will all pass."
Your brother says your name, "You know I can't just let this go."
"Just let me figure this out, okay?" You say.
It takes you another 15 minutes to talk him out of getting on the next flight to Monaco, but you finally get through to him. The call finishes with you reassuring him that if things keep going this way, you'll tell him.
You spent the time in Sheerwater going over every little detail of the past season to see where you felt like you could have done something that maybe Lando's actions and words could be justifiable. You found nothing. Nothing that was even remotely close to justifying his actions.
When you get to Abu Dhabi, you have McLaren put you up in your own room. It isn't your favorite but feel like it is the only thing you can currently manage. With having your own space, you are able to avoid Lando.
Avoiding isn't the answer, but neither is confronting him before the last race of the season. So you wait.
It's raceday, and you are in Oscar's garage when you feel someone come up behind you. You don't think anything of it, continuing with your work. A few moments later, there's a light tap on your shoulder. Turning, you see Lando standing there like a kicked puppy.
You take your headset off and look at him. His hands are fiddling with something. He doesn't completely meet your gaze initially, but then raises his hand and finally looks at you.
It's an apple.
You stare at it, breathing deep to try to regulate your nervous system. It takes you a minute, but you take the apple.
"You haven't answered any of my calls," he says softly, so softly you almost miss it. Your eyebrows furrow.
"I've missed you," he says, and his eyes finally meet yours for longer than a glance. His words spark hope in you.
Your eyes stay locked on his, and you can see that he has no idea the pain and suffering you have been in since the last time you saw him. That hope dims.
Before you can say anything, you are being called to strategy.
"I have to go," you say.
"Come home with me after the race?" Lando asks before you turn to leave.
You pause and tell yourself to not overthink this right now. So you settle for a little smile and nod.
"Of course, Lan," you say, releasing a breath you have been holding for the last week.
He smiles and pulls you in, kissing the top of your head as your arms wrap around him. Your hand comes up to the back of his neck, giving it a little scratch before it comes down the curve of his neck, over his shoulder, then sweeping down his back to tap on his hip three little times. You have been hugging him like this for as long as he can remember; it's one of his favorite things.
You let him go and give him one last smile and nod before heading off to your meeting.
That race, Lando dominates.
His side of the garage is full of celebrations and excitement. Meanwhile, Oscar's side was a little more dim - finishing P10 was not the result anyone wanted. The car failed in more ways than anyone anticipated, which you know means more work for you during the break, but that can be a later problem.
You have more meetings than usual after a race due to all the complications, and don't end up packing up till well past midnight. Everyone is exhausted, including yourself.
Walking out, you peek into Lando's driver's room.
"He left a while ago," you hear. It comes in a soft tone.
Oscar's leaning against the wall across from you. He is showered and has his backpack on.
You nod, not trusting your words. You look away from Oscar and stare into the empty room, tears falling. You feel stupid, which is not easily achieved.
"You are welcome to fly back with Lily and me; we have plenty of room," Oscar says. He hasn't said anything these past few months, but he is quite observant. He has seen the way Lando has been treating you, neglecting you. You had thought you had hidden it well and that it was only behind closed doors, but no. Oscar had slowly been watching you fade away right in front of everyone's eyes.
"It's okay, I will just head back to the hotel and head out with Lando tomorrow," you say. Both you and Oscar know Lando's jet is already halfway to Monaco now. He always leaves right after a race.
Your driver gives you a soft look, and Lily peeks around the corner.
Your eyes meet hers. She gives you a small, knowing smile. Not one of sympathy but one understanding.
You nod, "Okay, ya. That would be great." Your voice doesn't sound like your own.
The ride back isn't as bad as you thought it would be. Neither of them presses you on the whole Lando situation. You end up sleeping for most of it, which helps even more.
When you land, you thank them.
Lily gives you a hug, squeezing you a little extra.
"We are here if you need anything, and I mean anything," Lily says and gives you one last squeeze before letting you go.
You head back to your apartment in Monaco, knowing Lando is likely still out and will remain out. When you get there, it hits you how long it has been since the last time you stayed here. Everything is pretty much the same, just some minor changes here and there.
Walking into your shared bedroom, you feel like a ghost. This, once used to hold such warmth, now gives you the chills.
You walk around and take in the space he's been living in. You end near the dresser and see a little velvet box sitting next to a few of his favorite watches. As if your heart beat any faster, it tries to.
Skimming the box, you pick it up and open it.
It's THE ring. His mom's ring. Well, sort of.
It is the stone from his mom's ring, but set in the band you had chosen in that jeweler's office a lifetime ago. It is truly stunning.
After staring at it for longer than you should have, you set it back exactly where you found it. If you had found it 6 months ago, you would be over the moon, but now? Now it is just a reminder of what used to be.
When you wake the next morning, you're still alone. You wait for Lando to return, but he doesn't.
You want to call him, text him, but his words from the last time stop you - suffocating.
After a week of partying, Lando returns to the apartment in Monco.
You are sitting in the kitchen, drinking tea - one of the only things you have been able to stomach these past few days.
He walks in and goes straight to the fridge, not saying a word to you. You watch him, not knowing how much of this back and forth you can take from the man.
Finally, you speak up. "Congrats on the win." Your voice sounds different, weak.
"Shit," Lando jumps and spills the drink he was holding. "When did you get here?"
"You're gone a week, and that is what you ask me?" You look at him.
"It's a valid question," he says. Guess he forgot all about the ask to go home with him after Abu Dhabi. If Lando were honest, he'd forgotten a lot about the last week.
"This is my home too."
Lando just nods. He goes to grab a towel to clean up the mess he made.
"How long are you planning on staying?" He asks. And you see his jaw flex - an indicator of his annoyance. You try not to think anything of it. You try not to think about how you had gone from being a joy to a burden.
"I thought it would be nice to spend winter break together," you say. "Like we planned." The second statement was quieter, unheard by the man in front of you.
He lets out a deep sigh, then pinches the bridge of his nose.
You want to bring up the apple and how he asked you to come home with him just a week ago, but that Lando seems long gone in this moment.
"I already made plans with Max; we leave later today," Lando says. You try to swallow the lump forming in your throat. Seems to be a skill you have developed recently.
"I thought you would want to relax, so I didn't bring it up," he says, then goes on about how it is going to be nonstop and not the kind of trip you would enjoy. You know he's just saying these things because he forgot about you while planning them.
"Lando," you say in a last-ditch effort. "What happened to us?"
He finally turns to look at you. Lando chooses to not see your tired eyes or how your clothes no longer fit like they used to. They swallow you a little more. He tells himself your changes are from the end of the season.
"We are fine," Lando says, "Everything is fine."
He leans down and kisses the top of your head. Your eyes close. You don't remember the last time he actually kissed you. It's been too long to remember.
You put on your best fake smile and nod.
Lando says he has to pack and leaves you to finish your tea.
He leaves without a goodbye, not that you ask him for one. You shouldn't have to, but then again, he shouldn't be leaving.
You have no idea how long he will be gone. You wrestle with trying to reach out, but figure it is useless. He hasn't responded before; why would he start now? Plus, with what Max posts on his stories, you can see that Lando is having the time of his life. So why would he want to hear from you?
You are a few days in when there is a knock on the door.
Dragging yourself to the door, you open it.
John is standing there. The second he sees your state, his heart breaks. What has happened to his older sister? The once so strong and independent girl in a garage full of boys and men, now looking sickenly unwell.
"John?" You ask, not believing it is him standing in front of you. "What are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here?" The anger builds in his voice, but it doesn't come into full fruition because seeing you in this state breaks him more than he anticipates. You wrap your arms around yourself. Before you know it, John has you wrapped in his arms.
For the first time, you let everything out. All the pain and suffering you have been carrying for who knows how long. It all comes out. Little do you know, John has to wipe the tears streaming down his face - not just yours.
When you finally calm down, you pass out from exhaustion, and your brother stays with you, holds you while you sleep. And you do sleep.
You wake to John talking on the phone with someone, but don't hear much of his conversation. He ends it when he sees you sit up on the couch.
"Who was that?" You ask with a yawn.
"It was mom and dad, they are making the trip here," he says. You are about to protest but he stops you.
"Bean," John uses the nickname he gave you when he was just 4, "You missed Christmas." You didn't miss Christmas; you had days before the holiday.
"No, I didn't," you protest.
"You did," he says softly. "It is December 27th. Mom has been trying to get a hold of you for days. They went to look for you in Sheerwater, and I came here. You had everyone worried sick."
The guilt of missing your Mom's favorite holiday sinks in.
"Don't you dare feel guilty for this, you are hurting, and no one has seen it, do not carry this as well. But Bean, you can't keep living like this. You are not you. You deserve so much more than this."
"He's all I know," you say softly. So softly, he barely hears it. You hate feeling weak, but right now you don't know how to feel anything else.
John shakes his head. You know he is right; you have been living without him for so long now.
Your parents arrive later that day. It is nice to have your family around, and it shows you aren't alone in this, even when you feel like you have been for so long.
Over the next few weeks, you make the hardest decision you have ever made.
With the help of your family, you packed up everything you owned from the Monaco apartment. It looks odd, closets being half empty. As your family packs your things, you take little moments to rearrange things to make it less noticeable. Not that Lando deserved that, but the more time that stands between now and the next time you see him, the better.
Once everything is packed up, you give the apartment one last look over the place. A place you once called home, now just another memory. You want to feel something, anything, in this moment. But you're just numb.
Once you leave, you send Lando one last message, then block his number.
You spend the rest of winter break at home with your family. You don't see it at first, but your mom ensures you are eating regularly. John takes it upon himself to spend time with you - it makes him nervous to leave you alone for too long. And then there's your dad. He is the only one who gets you out of the house. He'll take you out on walks. Sometimes the two of you talk, sometimes you two walk in silence. Eventually, you start to talk about the upcoming season - at least what you know about the upcoming season.
Going back to MTC was actually easier than you had expected. The time spent at home was life-giving and needed. It was the first step to bringing you back to who you were.
On the other side, Lando was slipping further and further into a life he had no control over. It has become one party after the next after the next. Each day blurred together, but it all felt so good, so he never felt like he needed to stop. Nothing was holding him back. Everything was better than ever.
While you were coming back to yourself, Lando was slipping further and further away from who he was.
When the season started, you did everything in your power to stay invisible to Lando and the new world he was living in. On race weekends, you made sure your schedule never overlapped with his. Any meetings you had to be in the same room with him, you always entered last to be unseen and left first to never be noticed. It had only taken you a couple of races for it to become clockwork for you. It was best for everyone.
Oscar was the only one to notice. He always noticed. He respected Lando on the track and from a racing standpoint, but when it came to his personal life, Oscar could never understand how someone could so seamlessly cut another out of their life.
Everything changed when Lando started bringing someone new to the paddock. A beautiful girl named Magui. A model that the media was saying Lando met in Monaco. They are saying he has been seen with her dating back to 2023 that was just surfacing now with her arrival. That was well before things started going south in your relationship. You had deleted all of your social media after that.
That first weekend she was there was one of the worst weekends of your life. Oscar had found you in a utility closet, on the floor, curled up in a ball.
Later that weekend, Oscar approached Lando.
"I see you brought someone new to the paddock," Oscar tries to say it casually, but it comes out with a little more bite than he anticipates.
"Yeah," Lando says with a smile. "I'll have to introduce you to her; she is pretty great."
Oscar has to bite his tongue to not curse out Lando right then and there.
"Actually, you know what would be great? Since Magui doesn't really know anyone and this is her first weekend, do you think you would introduce her to Lily?" Lando sounds so sincere in his ask.
Oscar scoffs, and Lando gives him a defensive look.
"Look, she left me," Lando says, referencing you. "I made the choice to move on."
This has Oscar breaking out into a full-on laugh.
"Right, right," Oscar says, "Yep, she left you." He mutters.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Landos' voice begins to rise.
Oscar shakes his head no. "You are insane if you believe that she left you. If you took two seconds to look around, you'd see."
Lando's blood began to boil and he felt his ears getting hot. He thinks Oscar is the one who is insane.
Oscar is done with this conversation. "No, I won't be introducing Lily."
Oscar walks away with an orange, not sparing Lando a second glance.
The tension between garages grows as the season progresses. It affects every single race weekend. The media team has spun it to look like there is just growing tension for the driver championship, but it is really too early in the season for that to be 100% belivable.
You see the toll it takes on Oscar and your team. It is the toll you have been feeling for almost a year now. You are causing more damage and you are done standing around watching it all crash and burn.
It leads you to Andrea Stella's office with a letter of resignation. You were planning on stepping away completely. It had all become too much, proving it was no good for you to be there on race weekends. This leads to a two hour long coversation resulting in you staying with the McLaren team, but ultimately stepping down from your dream job.
You immediately return to MTC. The rest of the season seems to cool down a little, enough for it to look like things are back to normal. You really hope they are.
It takes a minute to settle into not traveling on race weekends. You have noticed a decrease in your anxiety. Although you aren't in his garage anymore, Oscar calls you frequently to get your feedback on the weekend and how to improve in the next. It was nice to see how even though he wouldn't say it, he was still checking in.
There was one race weekend when Lily came and stayed with you. She couldn't make it to the full race weekend and had work she needed to do for school. So she came seeking company in you. While she worked on school, you worked on data.
The WDC comes down to the final race of the season. You don't want to go, but seeing Oscar's chance of winning slip through his fingers, you feel like it is the least you can do. That and the fact that you were asked to come back by Andrea. You didn't really have a choice, but in your mind, it was for Oscar.
You show up during qualifying. You didn't mean to end up in Oscar's garage, but one thing led to another, and you find yourself standing there with a tablet looking over his setup. You try to remain hidden from Lando's side of the garage, but you go to tell Oscar something at the exact moment Lando's head turns.
There's a small gap in the way the garages are set up, only big enough to see the head of the other driver. Lando looks over and sees you for the first time in months, almost a year.
Lando doesn't know it at first because it immediately feels like suffocation, but it's the first time he has felt alive since who knows when. His hands come up to his helmet - he needs to take it off, he needs air. He needs to get out of the car; he needs to see you.
There is a huge shift in Lando's brain, like he has woken up from a deep sleep. When he sees you, Magui isn't a thought. His only thought is of you and him under a tree with apples and telematry. It's the first time he has felt your absence.
What happened? He needs to know why you left. He begins to make his way out of his car, but he is being pushed back in as the beginning of Q3 begins. He barely hears his race engineer.
He looks back over, but you're gone. He tells himself that if he just finishes qualifying, he can get out of this car and find you. He has no other thoughts except that.
You don't hang around after you figure out Oscar's set-up. As you make your way out, a hand stops you. You look up to see Cisca.
"Hi," you say politely. It takes everything in you to not run. But she's not the one who hurt you. She looks at you with such sorrow that you have to repeat to yourself to not break. She pulls you into her arms and holds you tight.
"I am so sorry, sweetie," Cisca says after a while. You pull away from her, shaking your head. Before you can speak, she continues.
"I don't even recognize him; he has changed so much over this last year. It breaks my heart because I know I've raised him better."
"I know you did," you say. "Despite everything, I still remember the boy who found me under the trees all those years ago."
Cisca smiles. "I miss our boy."
Your heart breaks all over again, hearing Lando's mom say 'our' when it has been so long since he has actually been yours. But it shows you how you are not the only one that Lando has hurt in the process of becoming who he is today.
She brings your hands up with her own and kisses your fingers. As she does so, something catches your eye.
Your head tilts to look at the ring on her finger. There lies the ring you found on Lando's dresser in Monaco. It isn't on her ring finger, but she is wearing it, which means it is no longer on Lando's dresser in Monaco.
"Ahh yes," she says. "This."
Cisca doesn't say, but she took it back when Lando started bringing Magui around.
"I hope he is able to make use of it someday," you say, and you find yourself meaning it. Maybe your healing is progressing.
Cisca shakes her head no. "Oh no, this really belongs to one person, and I am afraid he broke that beyond repair."
You feel your eyes well with tears as the ache in your chest grows. You try to give her a smile but fail.
Cisca cups your cheeks, "You are a beautiful young lady. I hope you find the love you deserve someday."
She is practically in tears when she lets you go.
After qualityfing, Lando looks for you. He checks all over, asks everyone he sees. Everyone has the same answer: that they haven't seen you. It gets to a point where he is getting dragged out of the paddock and is foreced to retreat to his hotel.
Once he gets back to his room, he needs to understand. he opens his phone to the last message you sent him.
He stares at it and doesn't even remember looking at it in the first place - I'm sorry I wasn't enough.
Lando doesn't sleep that night, which is not what is needed the night before the final race of the season, where he could very well win his first WDC. Instead, he goes over every memory he has of you.
The first time he saw you - he can remember that with minimal effort. Your days in F4 together. You getting the first break into McLaren. Buying a home in Sheerwater and then another in Monaco. You finally getting your dream job, and him screaming it from the rooftops. Him taking you to the jeweler that Nico recommended to get his mom's old stone fitted to a band of your choice. You didn't know it back then, but he was so excited when his mom gave him her ring. He didn't have a single doubt about you and wanted to drop down on one knee right then and there.
For the first time, he remembers retreating from you. He doesn't remember every detail, but enough to see that although you are the one who left, he led you to the door.
The second Lando sees it, he breaks.
It all comes back to him at once. When he first started pulling away from you. He was so in his head about how bad he was doing on the track and the pressure he was under that he blocked everything that was non-essential out. He didn't realize until now that you were included. He remembers when you came to find him in his driver room after a particularly hard race because he didn't seek you out like he typically would.
His mind flashes back to how he started leaving right after races, not even thinking about waiting for you. How you would call or text him, and he would ignore every single one of them.
His heart sinks as a dull pain rises when he remembers calling you suffocating in some random hotel room after Qatar. You didn't even fight back, but why would you? He finally sees how he has so masterfully removed you from his life, so much so that you had lost the will to try.
A hand comes up to try and soothe the pain that is welling in his chest as he thinks about approaching you in Oscar's garage. He's asked you to go home with him, then proceeded to leave without you. He doesn't even know how you got home. It's like that moment never happened.
It isn't until he remembers how you looked the last time he saw you that tears begin to form in his eyes and his breathing gets shallow. You didn't look like yourself, and he had the audacity to say that everything was fine. It was far from fucking fine.
You had been there, by his side, for his entire career. And when things got tough, as they inevitably do, instead of turning to you like he always did, he turned away from you.
Oscar was right. He cut you out of his life.
Not only that, but he also brought someone else in. He met Magui sometime in 2023 when he was in Monaco, and you were in Sheerwater, had a group of mutual friends. Nothing ever happened then, but when he was on his bender, they reconnected, and Lando thought it was easy. She had her own life, he had his. It was easy.
Now he lies there, the night before the biggest race of his career, wishing you were next to him. Is that something he can even wish for anymore? Does he still hold that right after all he's done?
The next morning, Lando gets to the paddock early. Earlier than most of the team.
His hope is to see you. He knows you are always one of the first ones there on race day. When the team starts trickling in, and you are nowhere to be found, he starts to worry.
He sees Oscar walk in and head over to his driver room. Lando follows him.
He follows him in and closes the door.
"Lando? What are you doing here?" Oscar says, tone colder than Lando likes.
"Where is she?" Lando asks. He doesn't expand, he can't. His throat already feels like it is closing.
"Why would Magui be in here?" Oscar pushes, knowing that is not who he is referring to.
Lando inhales sharply. He doesn't feel like he can even say your name without breaking into a million little pieces.
Oscar takes one good look at Lando and can see the man has been through it. Not that he should care, but he tries.
"She'll be here for the race," Oscar says.
"I know, but she's usually the first one here," Lando's voice trails off.
Oscar sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. He was not expecting to have this conversation with Lando, let alone before the last race of the season.
"She's no longer my race engineer," Oscar says softly. "Hasn't been for months."
"What do you mean?" Lando's beyond confused.
Oscar gives Lando a look.
"I am not doing this right now," Oscar retorts.
"Osc, please," Lando begs.
Oscar rubs his face and falls on the couch with a deep sigh. "She was going to quit altogether. She was fully ready to walk away completely, but Andrea talked her into staying. She just couldn't be in the garage anymore, so they worked out a deal where she works from MTC. She's still my team, just doing a lot of the remote development."
"But she has worked so hard to get here; this was the ultimate dream," Lando says - his voice began to rise. He was getting flustered.
"Being here was killing her, Lando," Oscar replies softly. "She became a shell of a person, trying to make herself so small to not be seen by you, that she just couldn't take it. Then you started bringing someone else around...She just couldn't."
Lando feels that ache in his chest begin to creep back in. His left hand comes up to rub his fist against it. Oscar didn't say it directly, but Lando knows - it was him who was killing her.
"This was her dream job," Lando whispers again.
"Lando, I need to get ready. You need to get ready," Oscar says as he stands.
"And she'll be here today?" Lando asks, ignoring Oscar's attempt to move on from this conversation.
Oscar nods.
The small gesture gives Lando a sliver of hope, not that he deserves it.
Lando preps for the race and heads into the garage. When he walks in, his head is on a swivel, eyes searching for you.
You do a good job of hiding, you should, considering you've done it for so long. Someone from Oscar's team seeks you out, needing some final input. You move to the monitors and check it out.
The second you're done, you begin to head back to your corner. You believe you're in the clear and glance up. Instant regret fills you as your eyes meet Lando's.
He looks at you like he did back when you were 15 - full of hope. Only this time, you can see the realization in his eyes.
You turn away before he can see the tears fall from your eyes. He doesn't deserve to see you break. You hate how he still has the power to make you break.
Just because he doesn't love you anymore doesn't mean you don't still love him.
You think you're fast enough but Lando catches the quickest glimpse of your tears.
Lando begins to take a step in your direction, the world around him falling away. Before he can get too far, there's a hand grabbing his arm and pulling him to his car.
"Two seconds, I need two seconds," Lando says, pulling away from the grasp he's in.
He runs after you.
You are get halway through McLaren hospitality when you hear your name. You hesitate but don't look. You can't look.
"I'm sor-" Lando begins, but he is already being pulled back to the garage.
He wants to fight everyone pulling him away from you, but he knows he has a job to finish.
Lando's only focus during the race is getting to the end. If he gets to the end, he can get out of this car and find you. He needs to find you.
58 laps later, Lando gets the radio message that he is the Driver's World Champion. For a moment, you fade. Lando embraces the fact that he has just achieved his dream.
When he gets out of the car, he is embraced by everyone under the sun. His whole team greets him, who are then followed by his parents. It's right before his mom's hands hit his face that he gets a glimpse of the ring, your ring.
The desire to find you rushes back to him.
Cisca's hold on his face softens when she sees the hope that fills her son's eyes.
"She's here, Mom," Lando says. It's like he can breathe for the first time.
"Oh, sweetie," Cisca says and rubs Lando's cheeks. The look in her eye is one of sympathy.
Lando's hope falters.
Cisca pulls her son into a hug.
"I messed up," Lando says through the tears.
To anyone looking, this looks like a sweet moment. But the two in the embrace, it's heartbreak.
"And I don't think I can fix it."
"My sweet boy," Cisca wipes the tears from Lando's cheeks.
"I broke her."
Before Cisca can respond, Magui has appeared and has her arms wrapped around Lando.
It takes him a second, but with all the cameras, he wraps his arms around her.
She is going on about how proud she is of him and how he is so deserving.
She pulls back only to put her hands on his face and pull him back in for a kiss.
When he breaks apart. He gives her a small smile. His sight shifts slightly past Magui to a familiar figure.
To you.
You are standing there, watching the moment. The moment the two of you had talked about endlessly. His ultimate dream.
Lando's hands drop from Magui, and he is about to make his way to you. Before he can, a hand comes up to the back of his neck, where his curls fall. Magui scratches his neck as she brings her hand down the side, over his shoulder, and down his back, only to give his hip a squeeze.
It seems way too intimate to him, and he wants to pull away. His eyes lock on you again. You are looking at the hand on his waist.
Lando's heart breaks once again.
He blinks and you're gone.
He's the Driver World Champion. He is living his dream.
He should be full of joy and celebrating to his heart's content.
But he can't, because all he feels is the loss of you.
Final Comms: Thanks for reading my first fic on my side quest account! I hope you enjoyed this (even if it did hurt your heart a little). Let me know your thoughts! And as always, thank you for your love and support đ¤
Part 2
