Lelia (misses Halsey)

✨ professional Halsey stan and social justice advocate ✨ Dancer and choreographer ~ She/Her Here in case Twitter dies (@sweetIikeh0ney_)

[tiredandlonelymuse]

GASOLINE and DRIVE

double feature. coming soon…

[sweetlike-h0ney17]

An open letter to @tiredandlonelymuse

Dear Ash,

Let me first begin by saying I love you and I’m sorry. Like many of your fans, I’ve been trying to find the words to articulate how devastated I am to learn of the intense feelings of loneliness, betrayal, and heartbreak that you’ve shared with us. It wouldn’t be right for me to claim I know exactly how you feel, because I can only imagine the pressure you’ve been under, especially these past two years as you’ve had to navigate your career and life-altering health battles. But one thing I can say without a doubt in my mind is that even if it might not feel this way now, there are millions of people who are cheering you on, praying for you, sending you wishes of good health and happiness, and wanting to see you thrive. Life has thrown you the most grueling and incredibly unfair obstacles, yet you still remain a beacon of hope for so many of us.

If you decide that his era is truly the end because it’s something you don’t love anymore, don’t have the energy for, etc. I understand. I can only imagine the physical and emotional toll that fame takes on a person. And I will hold close with me forever the memories of all the good times, the interactions that show how much you truly care about your fans, and the life lessons you’ve taught me. I have cautiously reminded myself for years now that what you have built won’t last forever, but the thought of it being cut short because of other people’s cruelty, unkindness, and lack of empathy absolutely guts me. The people who truly care about you always will — it’s not conditional. I know the weeds feel like they are all-consuming, but they are few and far between fields of flowers that extend for miles and miles.

It would be unfair of me to ask you to keep going for the sake of your fans — like you have pointed out, you are a real person with real feelings, not a character in a music video. Instead I’m here to reach out a hand and remind you that you are not alone in this. We have gone through many battles together, and this may be the toughest one yet, but your support system is here to catch you when you fall. Uplift you on the good days and the bad days. Cherish your art and remind you why you so graciously continue to share it with us. I could go on and on about the ways in which you have instilled strength in me over the years, as I’m sure millions more could too. All the letters we’ve written, the concerts we’ve attended — all because we know that you are made of some kind of stardust, and your presence in this world has meaning; the lives you have touched are forever changed for the better.

If you read this, let it be a reminder of how loved you are. I speak for myself and countless others when I tell you that I’m here to stay and have no plans on going anywhere. Because the bond you have curated in this community is unbreakable. As we approach this new era, I hope you don’t ever, ever forget how proud I am of you.

With all the love and gratitude in the world,

Lelia 💜

[tiredandlonelymuse]

Perhaps it victimizes me to admit that I am expertly betrayed. Easily taken advantage of. I am not a martyr. I am The Devil’s Professional Advocate. I will put myself in your shoes till my flesh melts with the soles. And in these trappings not made for me, my clumsy and stumbling gait walks me into gaping pits of disillusion. Bear traps set in a forest by those who know I will stop to admire the leaves and search for beetles on their backs who need rescuing. I suppose that I owe my survival to a magic trick I learned (earned?) when I was young:

“Leave your body, and go somewhere else.”

I became such a skilled dis-associator that I split in two. Peel myself straight down the middle like the plastic backing of a bandaid. Astral project into a timeline where I haven’t made whatever grave error in character judgement has landed me in my terrible predicament. I have been asked 100 times what the difference is between Halsey and Ashley and I have never answered honestly. The truth is that I built her, as a child, to protect the tender core that lies beneath. In a confusing chain of events, my maladaptive daydream became my full time reality. My armor can walk and talk and they look just like me. But you can’t hurt us anymore,

Because one of us is not real.

[sweetlike-h0ney17]

This one hits me down to my very inner core. Constructing a persona that is confident and calm and powerful, all while the girl on the inside feels like a fragile mess who will simply shatter at any moment. I wish I could be like who I present myself to be — she’s so much more put together and self-assured. Even though she isn’t real, I’ll keep pretending until the facade breaks.

[tiredandlonelymuse]

My therapist once told me, “You are the guiltiest feeling person I’ve ever met” and just to prove her right, I took it to heart. An astrologer said, “You have so much water in your chart. What is it like to feel the emotions of every single person alive, everyday?” and I wept because I sensed he was displeased. A teacher told my parents “She’s very sensitive. Far more than the other kids in her class.” I took my SATs at 9 years old, but they encouraged my mother to hold me back because of how my eyes glistened when I heard the word no. She told them to go to hell. So I cried my way through my education until high school when they said “You take everything so personally, you’ll never survive in a company environment. You wouldn’t make a good employee.” So I employed myself (out of spite or…necessity) and then later, I hired 200 people. A boyfriend told me “Don’t be so dramatic, everything isn’t a movie.” Fine, so it’ll be an album then. The doctor said “This shouldn’t hurt a bit.” I tread daily on a minefield that leaves me classifying the variations in footsteps, the tonality in voice, a change in breath. “Is everything okay? You seem mad” is my pledge of allegiance to this tightly wound bundle of flesh. I am cut open, butterflied and flayed, with every single nerve exposed like live wires and, yes, they all hurt to touch. Each interaction is a litmus test of how well liked I am, and therefore how worthy to live. I wake up every morning and the moral barometer resets, T-minus 12 hours to prove to myself that I am not the bad person I believe I must be. Sleep, repeat. An amnesiac nightmare. Prometheus on a rock and the gull in my guts is myself. I once envied those with greater armor, but not anymore. “Why do you care so much?” Guard yourself from the little grievances, but the shield does not differentiate. The space where I am vulnerable to the pain that passes through is an entry point for the microscopic good that others may miss. I live in technicolor torment. If I could do it over again and choose the comfortable grey, I would seize a knife and cut the little keyholes back into my every limb. So the light can get in.

[sweetlike-h0ney17]

Ouch. The feelings in this are so palpable. The visceral need to be liked, to not “fail”, and to hold myself to unrealistically high standards is a curse that plagues my every waking moment. It’s torture. To be liked is to be understood, and I desperately crave the love from people who understand me. They are few and far between, and I spend most days wondering why my brain isn’t easier to pick apart. More digestible to my peers. I can only hope that one day I, too, can let the light in and break the chains that have weighed me down from my first cohesive thoughts. Because I am growing far too worn and withered to keep trudging down this familiar path.

[tiredandlonelymuse]

gonna be a tough thing deciding which writing to post here and which to save for the records. lately i’ve been writing constantly from morning to night. not for any reason. just a compulsion. having conversations and my hands are simultaneously typing away in a world and ambience of their own. ambidextrous brain. master of none.

[sweetlike-h0ney17]

Bursting at the seams at the thought of getting h’s writing more often 🥹

[tiredandlonelymuse]

I am back, hello.

[sweetlike-h0ney17]

Quite literally the reason I jumped on this website I’m SO EXCITED!!! 🥰

[sweetlike-h0ney17]

Favorite moments from the Siriusxm Philly Union Transfer show

Pics by yours truly 💕