this is a journal @sweetly-softly-sadly - Tumblr Blog

112718

10 more days.. but these days were not bad... in fact, they seem to be going pretty nicely despite my break down.. your voice is so calming and wonderful.

I think you told me "quiet down baby" when i got excited.. but i know my mind plays tricks, and you don't even remember saying that, so.. no need to get so worked up over it.

110118

What's to say? I fucked up. I always fuck up. I'm no good. Useless.

Shouldn't have done it, and I know. Yet I always go to you, cause I need you, I need you to care..

102818

It's tough. Liking you.

102618

Nowadays it just feels like we let the clock run and we waste all our precious time.

102418

Will you ever know how beautiful you are to me..

You're good enough .

Always have been.

Wish you could see me through your eyes.

102118

How are you so addicting when all I want to do is push you away?

Ugh.

Intoxicating laughter that pierces right into my heart.

102018

Life is too short for me to keep things to myself.

Confession.

After long deliberation, I am finally writing this. I don't know when I'll send you the, link, if I ever do, but here you go, my confession. A lot of the other stuff is jumbled, impulsive thoughts. I wanted to share this with you because it is an accurate description of my feelings. I like you, Kiril. I like you. I like you and I hate that I like you because I tell you all the time that I don't and I judge others that do and I feel like I shouldn't even like you because it won't ever happen.

But

I like you.

God it feels so... scary.. to write that. I am terrified. Some topics get serious here. Some are more about me than you but still, you should know them.

I like your laugh, and the way you never cease to make me amused. I like the sound of your sleepy voice on a late school night and the rush of excitment and nervousness i feel when I put your phone number in my phone. I like the way you say "yeah" when you wake up at the sound of me calling your name. I like that we are so similar yet have led totally different lives thus far. I like when you send me photos of you, not solely because you look beautiful and I can gush, but because you've given me a piece of you which you don't seem to find comfortable with considering your lack of photos. I like hearing about your day and how you slept with your puppy or your adventures at work and how you are an absolute monster who eats the breadsticks wrong. I like the idea of me meeting you one day and going out together and doing all the things we enjoy, or escaping together, or just simply holding your hand while we do nothing and lie there. I like that you're still too shy to say my name , how you'll speak different languages for me or listen to me as I butcher them terribly. I like how you laugh at my dumb jokes and make me feel warm and safe and happy and level headed. I like how you make me feel whole when I am empty and make me feel important from just a few words. I like that you give me the time of day and you listen to me and that you promise me we can make it work even when I'm difficult or we get distanced. I like how you've never given up on me. I like that you make me feel even when I am numb, make me feel happy, make me feel sad an angry, you make me feel so many things and I like all of it. I like that you came into my little unpromising life and made it so much better than you can ever know.

The list could go on and on. I've never been able to express these words to you, but now is the time. All of the "I don't knows" were really me hiding these feelings from you.

#confession #101918

101818

The motivation to do these is fleeting the more that we don't speak. Please come back to me. I miss you so so very much. I want to hear your voice again. Please don't leave. I would be very sad. I'm so sleepy as I write this..I wish you were by my side, so I could hold you. I remember once when I was sick you mentioned cuddling.. and i said I didn't like it, and you said you'd just lie beside me then. Ah. My heart.

101418

We are on the phone currently. You're sleeping, I think. Or just really quiet. I missed your voice. I missed this. The jokes and the endless laughter. I missed you. I love you, K.

101318

I don't know why I lied, but I figured it was better to give some fake reason that was better than the real reason why I was sad. I don't want to lie to you but.. i guess that's how things are sometimes. I just lie. And feel guilty about it later. I'm sorry. You're the only person I have any feelings for. Ugh. And I'm not even good enough for you.

101218

There are some days when I can not face you. Where I can not be me. I have only found motivation to change because of you and even then, I still haven't. I wish that.. i was not me. I wish that you saw the side of me everyone always fell in love with. It's 12:22 am. I miss you. I wish i was different. I wish I was better. My heart hurts. And i can't understand why. You said you wished I'd had someone to support me, but never offered your support. Why not? I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

101018

Hey, did you know you're today's date because you're 10/10 (; NAh but anyways. I think we might call today. We are supposed to in roughly 40 minutes, but I fear you are sleeping. Our conversations stay casual but there are minor implications of something more. Dare my thoughts be perceived in one way that is not what is really occuring? Should I be confident in myself, or what? I don't know what to think, but I will not ruin a good thing as long as it is still good. Ah. I've been hating my weight more but doing nothing to keep it in check. It's unfortunate. I want to look nicer before you meet me. But I don't have self control. I have bad habits to work on. Hopefully I can fix them soon. For you. For you. But not just for you, for myself too.

100918

Yesterday was so hectic, and I just forgot to post. I miss you these days. Even though you're here, you're slipping. Leaving. Escaping. And i need you. Dammit. I need you so so much. Please don't leave me? You're so much in my simple pathetic life and I need you okay? When you finally read these, please understand that. As of this day, you are what I think about 85% of the time, and that is an accurate number, I mean that. Fuck. I love you, really. I truly do. When you read this, hopefully you already love me too. But maybe not. Agh. I just. Fuck. Please don't go. You said you'd try and make it work when we had our little bump in the road. I'm counting on your words. Thank you for trying for me.

Lost

Maybe I'm

too quick

to let

my thoughts

take over,

but this is

the endless cycle

with you

that

I don't think

I'll ever escape.

You'll never love me the way I want you to. I'm just a sad pathetic excuse for a human. Better left off dead. I'm sorry. Sorry that I'm useless. Sorry that I'll never be the thing that you need. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anyone. My impulsive nature will be the death of me. I hurt now. I wish I had your comfort, but I won't ever earn that truly. It feels like I can't breathe. Why do I hurt so much? Please help me. Please take away my pain. Please tell me its okay and reassure me. I wish that you loved me. I wish I wasn't a fuck up. Fuck fuck fuck. I am worthless.

You'd never love me.

#100718

100718

A silly remark

under

the influence

and now

the world

comes

crashing down.

I said some things. I said some things that I wish I'd kept to myself a bit longer. You make me feel like I'm floating. You do. You make me feel like, maybe I'm not on cloud 9, but that I could reach it. I'm not quite.. in love with you yet. But my affections are deep. And maybe I'm just real confused at the moment. I do not want to be someone to repeat mistakes. I just... agh. It usually works. I usually convince others to fall for me. But you . I can't read you. I wish that I could.

One day. Maybe.

100618

Could I

cradle your heart

in the palms

of my hands?

Would you let me

show you

how

you should

be loved?

Today you said you've been wanting to die a lot lately. I understand that. I understand. But I need you to live. I need you to live and to smile and to be happy . I need you to thrive. To push through. I need you to, I need you. I can't lose someone else. I can't lose someone that I love again any time soon. I just can't. I love you more than you could ever understand. Platonically and romantically. I wish I could do more for you. I wish I could give you the words you need to hear without being self incriminating. I wish i could be honest with my feelings, but I can't. Not yet. God. I hate to see you like this. I wish that I could just... make it all go away. I would take your pain if it meant you never suffered again. I'm sorry I'm not better.

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this is a journal