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The Happiness of Pursuit

In the matter of two weeks, my life has changed. 

I’m not going to get into details, but Saturday, January 16th was the day everything made sense. It was the little things and the moments you had with friends that just made me feel so whole. That day I finally realized what makes me happy the most. 

It’s dancing. It’s singing. It’s random surprises at a bar. It’s leading. It’s everything around. 

It was the following day that I decided to watch the movie, “Hector and the Search for Happiness” where my thoughts pretty much made full circle. A quote that stuck in my head and I believe it will stick for a lifetime was

“We should concern ourselves, not so much with the pursuit of happiness, but with the happiness of pursuit.”

Pursuit is defined as  the action of following or pursuing someone or something. I’m pursuing a better me. I decided to start eat healthy. Go back into the gym. Get into running. New Year, Same Me, but New Body. 

I think this year will be good to me. I’m finally feeling like I’m pushing myself to live my full potential. 

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After today’s 6 hour car ride from Butler, PA to Sayreville, NJ, I have realized what makes me happy: Singing, Dancing, and Traveling. 

Why the hell am I an Engineer? 

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So my sister from another mother tagged me on an instagram post. 

It was a poetry line from a book, and it read, 

“She was the most beautiful type of broken I’d ever seen in my entire life and even though her heart was in pieces, she deserved to be loved.”

At that moment, when I woke up and read that post, my heart cried. 

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I feel like I always start these blogs by saying, “Wow...it’s been awhile since I’ve written here.” 

Well, it’s true. I haven’t been writing because well I thought I was living life in order to make me happy. I guess I failed at that. 

The travelling is great, but it’s the other reasons why I’m failing at making myself happy. So although I’ve been acting on my feelings, I tend to forget that I’m happy when people are happy. I don’t think I’ve been doing a good job at that part. The whole making people happy portion. 

There will be those people who will just say, “Do whatever makes YOU happy, not what makes OTHERS happy.” But that’s when I know when you don’t understand me. Seeing people smile inside is what gets me off. It’s my high. It’s even a bigger high when I’m the reason for their happiness. 

So I’m a complete fool because I don’t know what I want and I’m making two people unhappy. They both want me to be happy, but I think I’m just too damaged and heartbroken to even try to be happy. Cause when I see the good in things nowadays, I always find the bad which makes me crumble it into pieces to prevent myself from feeling even more. 

I feel like I’m always making mistakes and I don’t know what to do anymore so I just lay in bed crying or going out to hide the pain from thinking too much. I’m dying here. It hurts too much. 

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Ranting....again.

I avoid the subject of family because well, it’s not really a good part of my life. 

But after seeing pictures today, I just felt really ... i don’t know... hurt. 

I hang out with Champ’s family ALOT because I just feel I need a “family” sometimes to talk to or vent to. 

Maybe my dad didn’t tell me? or maybe I was just not invited. 

I don’t know, but here I am thinking that 5-10 years from now, everything would be squashed and I was going to invite EVERYONE to my wedding cause who the hell cares because family is family.

But I guess since I’m my mother’s daughter - I get this automatic assumption (maybe idk..this is me ranting) that I want nothing to do with these family events. 

IDK like i said, maybe my dad just avoided telling me and my brother about anything, but people have my number or FB messenger - right?

Oh well. Here I am getting all depressed again and crying when it’s not even my problem. Well it kinda is cause this just means lonely Thanksgiving and Christmas parties til whenever I get my family.

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Remember Sunday

Do you ever just watch a movie not knowing what it is or what it is about?

It was my last night in Germany and I wanted to stay awake so I can beat jetlag (SPOILER ALERT: I did not beat the jet lag). So I logged on to Netflix Germany and decided to pick a random movie so I can watch it. 

I chose, Remember Sunday. 

I’m a sucker for these romance movies, but this one within the first 15 minutes had me balling. There were scenes in this movie that just made love feel so genuine. To me, it’s a beautiful thing when a director captures genuine love. I don’t know what was in the German air or maybe I was coming off some menstrual cycle, but this movie got to me. 

In my previous posts, I posted all these .gifs I found on tumblr about the movie. Those scenes were the ones that got me. 

“Sometimes comets are thought to be lost. And they come back into orbit. Scientists find they weren't lost at all.They’re found”

In that scene, the main woman character, Molly, requests that she wishes she could just freeze that moment. In reality, I feel most of us want to do that. Freeze that special moment when you have with a special someone. You just wish to embrace it forever and cherish it. 

The last thing I posted was a line from that movie, and it went like, “Is it possible to fall in love with someone every single day?

Whether you put in the effort in a relationship, I believe it is possible to fall in love every single day. It’s every laugh, smile, hug, kiss, hand holding, phone call, text, and tears. Love is not magical, it’s work. It’s constantly putting effort to support one another. To me, that’s how one can fall in love with someone every single day. Cause the moment you find that someone who’s willing to put so much effort into you as you do for them, you’ll fall in love every time. 

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Is it possible to fall in love with someone every single day?

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This movie is simply everything to me. 

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So I epically suck in trying to write about my life. I should though because I need to remember the little things and how my thought process was at age __. 

Which brings me to that subject - I am finally 25. Well I’ve been 25 for over a month now, but I hit that milestone. So what do people at 25 do? Nothing. I can rent a car without paying the dumb underage fee (which my company waives for me). Also, my car insurance is supposed to be lowered - which it did not. Yes, fuck you AAA. You suck. What I loved about my 25th birthday is that the ratio of girls went up - FINALLY. Big thanks to my lovely SDA girls who came out to celebrate my 25th <3.

My last blog was about me and travelling. 

Orlando was absolutely incredible. I went to visit my friend Nina and her husband Rich. I both know them from Stevens, so it was a nice little reunion. But man, that whole Disney experience was absolutely incredible. I hated the humidity, but I felt like a little kid and it was mindblowing. I now see why people are crazy about Disney Parks because you seriously feel your dreams are coming true the moment you step in. 

I also went to St. Maarten with my friends from high school and that trip was fantastic as well. We visited surrounding islands, St. Barts & Anguilla. It was awesome because it was the first time I went on a trip with my high school friends (minus Chetna - that bitch always tags along with me). But it was nice because it just seemed like an adult vacation and WE TAUGHT AUDREY HOW TO SWIM (Well....back stroke, but that’s the first step). 

To finally update you on my next whereabouts: IM GOING TO GERMANY. Well, I wish I was going back to the motherland, Munich. I’m heading to Frankfurt, Germany because I was elected by my boss/managers to be part of this Project Execution Academy. It’s a 2 year program where I go to some place around the world every 3 months and learn ways to become a better project manager. I graduate the program in 2016. EXCITING STUFF. 

Lastly, I finally bought my bow and arrow and I’m finally on my archery game again. Granted, I only went once this spring, but I hope to go more. Sayreville has a free archery range where people can practice, so that’s where I’ll be this Summer/Fall. 

Thanks to those who still read this blog <3 ! IT MEANS ALOT !!

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I am absolutely in love with this rendition of this song. 

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Travel Travel Travel

Can’t you tell I am so pumped to travel this year!

Okay, I’m doing a project near Pittsburgh, PA, but I can’t travel so much because I’m going to be working that 12 hr shift Sunday - Saturday life. BUT, I am travelling alot for leisure this year. 

So April, I’m going to Orlando to visit one of my friends from college. During that trip, I am also going to see my grade school friend, my high school friend, and lastly my godsiblings. In May, I’m going to Denver to see my two amazing friends from Portland, Oregon get married. Which btw, I get to be reunited with all my friends I met in Oregon and we’re gonna have the BEST TIME EVER. Lastly, I come back to NJ and right away leave to go to St. Maarten with my close friends from high school. 

I am so thrilled to have so many opportunities to see the world, but I am so thrilled to share these experiences with people who are so close to me. I saw this thing on Facebook which really made me realize the bigger picture of everything and it was a picture that said, “Everything changes when you realize that everything that's happening to you-- is happening for you.”

Take whatever life throws at you cause I guarantee it’ll make you a better version of you. 

<3

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Waiting for my control valve to be removed from the pipeline

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So I think I'm actually feeling happier now since I came back. Well, I did come back during the holidays which to me is supposed to be a symbolism of family get togethers and other things, but my family situation wasn't the best. 

But I'm laying here on my bed and just blasting my music through my Bose speakers and I'm just genuinely happy. Just smiling. It's been awhile since I have felt alive since I was dead when I came back to the East Coast. 

Alot of things are contributing to this happiness. I think as you get old you really understand how it is to live life to the fullest. Not the college definition where you smoke weed or get black-out drunk.

It's that feeling where you tasted an excellent meal. It's that feeling where you spend hours playing games with your close friends and getting excited over a cooler of Mike's Hard. 

I think it's time I should stop feeling so shitty about being happy because I deserve this feeling. I deserve it all. 

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The Life of an Engineer

So, I'm not going to explain much. Just a quick update on my life. Back in the first 2 weeks of February, I finished my first turnaround/relife project in Terrell, Texas with the Instrumentation dept. It was pretty cool cause this time I was on hands on with things. Loop checking transmitters and installing probes for vibrations.

So what is loop checking? As defined in some engineering forum I found, it is a "pre-commissioning activity which is initiated after installation of instruments at x location to y location instruments or systems. Loop checking is basically done to ensure the instruments installed at x and y location has continuity signal with each other potential's."

Mind blowing, right? Yeah...not really to a common person, but to me it means alot that I'm learning alot. 

Anyways, want to hear a mindblowing thing? So I was talking to my boss over the phone about approving my expense report (LOL anyone who travels for work knows this struggle), then he goes and says, "Cianyl, I have to ask you a question. Don't put too much thought in this, it's still in the air, but I just wanted to hear your answer." So here I am thinking, "Ohh he's going to ask me to be a mentor to the new ESDs (the program I'm in)." So I said sure, go ahead. Then he goes, "How do you feel about moving back to Hillsboro, OR?"

Mind blowing, right? I just moved back and then I might move back to the West Coast again. I told him I didn't mind, but I would rather finalize and talk about something like that closer to July (my end date to the ESD program) because I'm not ready to think of something THAT BIG right now. He respected my answer, and we hung up. 

Big things might be actually happening to me in 2015. We just got to wait and see and let fate take its course. 

Thanks for reading to whomever is still reading blogs on Tumblr. 

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Lazy Sundaze.

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Random Venting

At first, I thought these Kickstarter or GoFundMe pages were a good idea. Gets people aware of the the average persons trials and tribulations or ideas of new inventions that need to be sen in the world. 

I have donated to a couple of GoFundMe pages. My friend got hit by a truck and broke several bones in his body while he was driving to work. Mind you he has a kid, fiance, expecting kid and an apartment to pay for. I donated to a family who's house burned down and needed money to repair their house in the blistering cold while all their values and possessions were turned into ashed. 

What I don't get? If you're starting a GoFundMe for a trip or trying to send your daughter to you after you left her and asking for us to help fund her education, that is on YOU. We all have our struggles, but we save up. If you want this trip so badly. then sell your own shit and get the ticket. If you want to provide for your daughter a better education cause you can't afford it, then I'm sorry why did you have YOUR kid at such a young age when you know damn well you aint ready?

I get it - the struggle is real - but seriously?!