TW: s/h, suicid@l thoughts
These days, I’m looking at myself, unsure of who I am anymore. My interests are both everything and my own, yet I feel I like everything in hopes of keeping those who I hold closely in fear of being alone. Despite being 20, my worst fear is losing my friends, the people I’ve known for so long, I feel as if they’re sisters. These days we all have our own lives and even though I’m okay with that, I feel as if we are drifting apart.
These are the same people who play a big influence on my life, pretty much molded who I became. Currently, my life of going from work to home, to the horrid nightmares of family conflicts of interest. Who I am, I feel as if it isn’t enough. I don’t understand the need to feel like I’m good enough, but I always force myself to do what I can to make everyone proud of me, or to at least see me as someone they can be proud of. Lately, I never feel that way and though I know I’m often a pessimistic, I just feel as if I’m sinking lower and lower.
I force myself to please the people around me, but still allow some deeper interests to attract those with similar interests. However, I often find myself questioning my life choices. I find myself lost, not knowing if this little character I woven together as a presentation to the world is the real me or if I don’t even know who I really am in the first place. I feel like a robot, going to work, sleeping, going back and forth. With my friends distancing themselves, my family being a large amount of bad energy, my disgusting self pity, I often question on my life and though I often feel as if I would never go though with it, there are times where I feel like I can. And sometimes I fear that I’d black out and just hurt myself way worse than I have in the past. I would never hurt the people around me physically and I’d never try psychologically but there are times where I feel on the edge.
I don’t feel good enough anymore. I’m not as optimistic as I once was. I feel like everything is piling on me at once and I’m not ready to let go of everything I feel that I worked hard to get to. I don’t feel like the things are working out like I want them to and my luck streak is at it’s end. I keep telling myself one more day, but the repetition, the exhaustion is putting me at my limit. I just want to rest.