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Q&A

Question: In a D/s relationship, why might the submissive interpret the dom “going easy on them to be nice” as unhelpful or helpful? How might someone with a lot of experience in the community interpret this?

Answer:

In d/s, whether a submissive sees the dominant "going easy on them to be nice" as helpful or unhelpful depends heavily on the purpose of the dynamic, the expectations both people have agreed to, and the emotional meaning they attach to discipline.

Why a submissive might see it as unhelpful?

For some submissives, especially those who value consistency and accountability, leniency can feel like:

-A lack of follow-through. If there are agreed-upon rules and consequences, repeatedly relaxing them may make the structure feel less meaningful.

-Mixed signals. The submissive may become unsure which expectations actually matter.

-Emotional invalidation. If they entered the dynamic partly because they wanted guidance, accountability, or corrective discipline, excessive leniency can feel like their needs are not being taken seriously.

-A burden shift. Some submissives report that when a dominant avoids enforcing agreed consequences out of discomfort, the submissive ends up managing both their own feelings and the dominant's reluctance.

-Loss of trust in the role. In DD dynamics specifically, predictability is often valued. If consequences seem arbitrary or dependent on the dominant's mood, the framework can lose credibility.

A submissive might say, "I don't want punishment because you're angry, but I do want you to do what we agreed you'd do."

Why a submissive might see it as helpful?

On the other hand, leniency can be experienced positively when:

-The dominant is exercising judgment rather than mechanically enforcing rules.

-The situation genuinely warrants flexibility. For example, if the submissive made a mistake while overwhelmed, sick, grieving, or under unusual stress.

-The dominant is prioritizing care over protocol.

-The submissive values compassion as much as accountability.

-The relationship is focused on growth rather than strict correction.

In this interpretation, "going easy" is not a failure to lead; it's evidence that the dominant understands context and is responding thoughtfully.

How experienced BDSM practitioners might interpret it?

People with substantial experience in BDSM communities often move away from simplistic ideas like "a good dominant is always strict" or "a good dominant is always kind."

Many experienced practitioners would ask questions such as:

-What was negotiated?

- What purpose does discipline serve in this relationship?

- Is the dominant being intentionally flexible, or avoiding discomfort?

-Does the submissive actually want stricter enforcement, or do they want reassurance that the dynamic is still meaningful?

-Is the leniency consistent with the couple's values and agreements?

An experienced observer might distinguish between:

Healthy discretion

-The dominant evaluates circumstances.

-Rules serve the relationship.

-Consequences are proportionate and intentional.

-Both partners feel secure.

AND

Conflict avoidance

-The dominant dislikes enforcing consequences.

-Agreements are repeatedly abandoned.

-Expectations become unclear.

-Resentment builds on one or both sides.

Many long-term BDSM practitioners would view effective dominance less as "being tough" and more as being reliable, intentional, and communicative. If a dominant goes easy on a submissive because they thoughtfully conclude it's the best response, that can be seen as mature leadership. If they go easy solely because they cannot tolerate the submissive's disappointment or their own discomfort, experienced community members may see that as a relationship issue rather than an act of kindness.

Ultimately, the key question is not whether the dominant was lenient, but whether the response was consistent with the negotiated dynamic and met the needs of both partners.

#bdmslifestyle #ds lifestyle

When Cars Report

Abigail walked into the house, placed her work bag on the foyer bench and took off her shoes, all before she noticed her husband, who was settled comfortably into one of the living room chairs. “I noticed that your car sent me a notification today. It is set up to send us the same alerts, so I know you must have received it too. Would you like to explain why it continued to alert every two hours?”

“I …I didn’t see it,” she said as she glanced down at her phone.

"Abigail," he said evenly, "we've talked about this before. Ignoring alerts isn't an option—the safety systems are there for a reason."

“It has been a long day,” she said and zipped her bag shut before she walked over to stand in front of him.

Zalan's expression remained calm, but his eyes sharpened with quiet authority. He didn't raise his voice—he never had to.

Without a word, he reached for her phone and checked the notifications himself. The first car alert notification —a battery malfunction warning from Abigail’s vehicle—had come through at 10:47 a.m., more than six hours ago.

He placed the phone gently on the coffee table and turned back to her, hands resting on his knees as he leaned forward slightly.

He held her gaze:

" A malfunctioning battery might leave you stranded somewhere unsafe or inconvenient. Not responding is reckless behavior—especially for someone with your schedule and commitments."

A pause.

"And more importantly... ignoring them shows disregard for systems that are meant to keep us safe."

She dismissed the idea and said, “I didn’t realize you’d turned the alerts on again in your phone. But listen, here’s the thing….if I leave the car running for a while, turn it off, and then turn it back on before the interior lights shut off, it usually stops sending those notifications for a few days.”

Zalan's jaw tightened slightly—not in anger, but with the quiet intensity of a man who sees someone pushing boundaries.

"Ah," he said, voice level and precise. "So you're not only ignoring the alerts—you're finding ways to reset the system without having the problem examined.”

He exhaled through his nose, arms crossing over his chest. His tone shifted subtly—still calm, but with an edge of reprimand settling in like storm clouds on a clear day.

"That’s worse than ignorance," he stated plainly. "That’s deliberate risk-taking when you think I’m not paying attention."

His blue eyes locked onto hers. "And since when do we make it a habit to test how close we can get to danger before reacting?"

She considered momentarily and then thought to explain more. “You could look at it like that but it’s really fine… it’s not unsafe if I know how it works and how to respond.”

Zalan didn't blink. Didn't flinch.

He just studied her—the slight tilt of her chin, the quiet defiance in her posture. That tone? The one that said ‘I know better than you do.’ That was the brat peeking through.

And it never ended well for her.

"Oh?" His voice dropped lower—still smooth, but now laced with controlled authority. "So because *you* understand how the system works… and *think* you can handle emergencies on your own… rules don’t apply to you?"

He leaned forward again, elbows on his knees, gaze unwavering.

"Abigail," he said slowly—each word deliberate—"this isn’t about technical knowledge. It’s about obedience."

A beat passed before he added:

"And right now? You're choosing not to follow a very clear rule."

At first, with hesitation and then with insistence, she backpedaled, “I’m not saying that rules don’t apply…it …..it - the alarm I mean - it just didn’t peak my attention right away because the notification itself isn’t an emergency.”

Zalan absorbed her explanation—not with anger, but with the quiet scrutiny of someone who’s heard excuses before.

He nodded once. Not in agreement, but to acknowledge she was trying to justify herself.

"Okay," he said evenly. "So it's not an emergency to you… because the notification isn’t flashing red or blaring sirens."

He tilted his head slightly, voice softening just enough—still firm, still dominant—but now edged with something else: disappointment.

"And yet," he continued calmly, "this very same system has saved drivers from being stranded on highways at night. It alerts well before more critical problems occur —so you can act early.”

He sat in silence for a moment, and looked at her coolly. "So tell me… if it didn't 'peak your attention'... what would?”

To her, that felt like a dangerous question.

He watched her eyes widen. It is almost as if he was saying that he would find something that would surely peak her attention, and that she would be very sorry that it had to come to that. She stammered, “ahhh…I don’t know. There are a lot of notifications that come up on my phone.”

Zalan saw the shift in her expression—the slight widening of her eyes, the nervous stumble in her answer. “Good,” he thought to himself.

He didn’t say anything immediately. Just let the silence stretch—long enough for Abigail to feel that quiet, unspoken weight pressing down on her. Then he spoke again. Calmly. Deliberately.

"Ah," he said with soft precision, "so you're overwhelmed by notifications? Too many pings from apps and systems... making it easy to miss something important?"

He studied her face—not accusingly now, but analytically—like a man recalibrating his approach mid-conversation.

A moment passed and he added, "that's valid… as far as it goes."

She was uncertain of how she should respond, “I mean…. in general - yeah - there are a lot of them. Texts…email…car…and Annie was texting me a lot today. “

Zalan's expression shifted the moment Annie’s name came up.

Annie.

That one name alone carried weight—like a red flag waving in his peripheral vision. Annie: the bratty, chaotic submissive friend that Abigail had spent too much time with lately, absorbing her bad habits like a sponge. He exhaled slowly through his nose—an almost imperceptible sign of disapproval.

"So," he said coolly, "not only are you ignoring car alerts… but you were also buried under Annie's messages all day?" His tone didn’t rise. It dipped—lower and more measured than before—which somehow made it worse.

Abigail shifted to one side, “Well ignoring seems like a strong word…but I was buried under Annie’s messages.”

Zalan's gaze didn't waver. The distinction Abigail tried to make—meant nothing to him. Not responding? Not acting on the alert? That was ignoring, and he knew it.

But what caught his full attention was the second half: ‘buried under Annie’s messages.*

He folded his hands together in front of him, index fingers tapping against each other—a small, controlled gesture that signaled quiet calculation.

"So you spent your day," he said evenly, "reading and replying to a string of texts from someone I've specifically asked you not to lean on emotionally or behaviorally… while critical alerts from shared property sat unread?"

His voice remained calm. Measured. But beneath it—the storm was gathering.

“Have some faith in me,” she said, “I was not leaning on her emotionally or behaviorally. She was leaning on me.”

Zalan absorbed the clarification with a slow blink—processing, not reacting.

So Annie was leaning on her. Not the other way around. That changed things slightly. Abigail wasn't seeking her out for advice or validation. She was being sought after.

Still… that didn’t erase the fact that she’d spent hours engulfed in messages from someone whose influence he actively discouraged—not because Annie was evil, but because she modeled disobedience and brattiness in ways Zalan worked hard to correct in his own submissive.

He pinched the bridge of his nose — a subtle sign of disapproval returning like a shadow across his face.

Abigail frowned and admonished, “You’re awfully hard on Annie.”

Zalan's expression didn't soften. He met Abigail's gaze with quiet intensity, the kind that said - ‘I know exactly who I am and what my role is —and Annie isn’t part of that equation.’

"Hard on her?" he repeated, voice smooth but firm. "No. I'm not hard on her at all."

He shook his head.

"I simply expect you to be careful about whom you spend time with." His tone sharpened. "Especially when they're known for encouraging rebellion.”

He leaned back slightly—not to relax, but to create space between them as a visual cue: *This is serious.*

Abigail folded her arms, unbothered by Zalan’s serious demeanor. “Are you still mad about that time that she and I got lost in the woods because she insisted we leave the trail and you had to come find us ?” she questioned.

Zalan's jaw tightened instantly. That memory didn't just surface—it slammed into him like a door kicked open.

The woods. The late afternoon light fading. His phone buzzing with a frantic text from Abigail: “We’re lost.” And then nothing for an hour and twenty-three minutes—no signal, no GPS trace, just silence after they’d strayed off the marked trail because Annie had ‘seen something cool’ ahead.

He hadn’t been angry in front of them when he found them—no shouting, no yelling—but his face that night? Cold as steel. Tired beyond words. Terrified beneath the calm exterior.

And yes… he had been furious—not because they had gotten lost, but because they had recklessly gone off-course. Annie had convinced Abigail that finding the trail again would be easy.

That anger resurfaced quietly in his eyes.

Abigail saw his blue eyes turn gray. She spoke, trying to interrupt his thoughts, “Zal…you can’t be mad at her for that for forever. I followed her. It was my fault too. You said as much when you lectured me for like 3 whole days over it.”

Zalan’s breath stilled for a moment. Abigail was right—technically. He had said it was her fault too. During that long, quiet lecture—the kind he only gave when genuinely disappointed—he’d made sure she understood: following Annie off the trail wasn’t just reckless, it betrayed his trust in her judgment.

He hadn't blamed Abigail entirely. No. But he hadn't excused Annie either—not then, not now.

And yet… Abigail remembered every word of that reprimand—the tone of his voice during those three days of calm but relentless correction—and she used it to defend someone else’s behavior?

That surprised him slightly. He studied her face—the soft plea in her eyes—and exhaled.

Abigail saw her opportunity to try to calm the storm. “Look,” she said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention to the car alerts. I have been getting lax in checking them. I know I shouldn’t just assume that it is something minor or unimportant. I’ll do better at checking in on them, ok?”

Zalan listened quietly—no interruptions, no immediate responses. Just the full weight of his attention on her. Her apology was sincere. The self-awareness? Present. The admission of laxity? Honest.

That mattered.

He didn’t soften completely—not yet—but something in his posture eased: shoulders relaxing a fraction, the sharpness in his gaze melting into something calmer, more reflective.

He nodded once—slowly and deliberately—the kind of nod that acknowledged repentance without dismissal. "Good," he said simply. "I appreciate you owning it."

Then came the quiet part—the dominant man assessing whether this remorse was surface-level or real change beginning to take root.

Zalan remained silent for a long moment—long enough that the air in the room felt still, heavy with unspoken evaluation. He didn’t move. Didn’t fidget. Just watched her: studied the set of her shoulders, the openness in her eyes, how she held herself under his quiet scrutiny.

This wasn't about suspicion. It was about verification. He needed to know if this apology came from genuine reflection or if it was just damage control—words meant to smooth things over and dodge consequences.

And Abigail? She knew him well enough to recognize that silence like this… usually meant he hadn't decided yet whether she deserved leniency or correction.

So they waited—one assessing; one enduring assessment—in perfect domestic tension.

Zalan finally shifted.

Not dramatically—just a slight lean forward, elbows returning to his knees. His hands folded again, and this time he spoke with that calm, precise tone—the one that meant the assessment was over… and judgment had been made.

"You say you'll do better," he began quietly. "And I believe you mean it right now. But intentions without action are just wishes." He held her gaze steadily. "So here's what's going to happen."

He let the weight of his authority fill the quiet space between them—no threats, no immediate commands. Just presence. The kind that reminded Abigail who she answered to.

Then he spoke—clear, measured, each word deliberate."First, when you get a car alert, you're going to respond appropriately, before driving the car again.” His voice remained steady with a tone that brooked zero argument.

“Second, tonight… you’re going over my knee."

“Wait …what…!?! I thought …. You think I’m not being genuine?” She argued and folded arms with a sulk, “you’re being unfair.” With that, she walked out of the room.

Zalan didn’t move as Abigail stormed out feeling wronged, angry, and rebellious. He saw the sulk. The folded arms. The dramatic exit—the kind he’d seen a hundred times before when his submissive thought she could talk her way out of consequences. It was a classic brat maneuver. Zalan knew this dance by heart.

He watched from the living room doorway and listened as her footsteps faded down the hall. Zalan stood slowly—calm, deliberate,refusing to rush. He walked with quiet purpose—the measured steps of someone who knew exactly where this was going and had zero intention of letting it derail into something worse than necessary.

The bedroom door clicked shut behind her—not slammed hard enough to mean rage, but not softly either. A petulant thud.

He reached the bedroom door, opened it and paused in the doorway—silent, tall, filling the space with his presence.

The bedroom was softly lit, curtains half-drawn. Abigail sat on the edge of their bed like a sulking child: arms crossed tightly over her chest, jaw slightly set, eyes fixed anywhere but on him.

He didn’t say anything at first. Just stepped inside and closed the door behind him with a quiet click, not loud enough to startle her or make it dramatic… but firm enough to signal: This is happening now.

Then he walked over, slowly, to stand in front of her. She refused to look at him. Zalan didn’t react to the avoidance. He never did—especially not with this kind of defiance. A submissive refusing eye contact? Classic bratty behavior. And he’d seen it too many times to be surprised or fazed by it now. So instead of demanding she look at him, or repeating his earlier points… he simply waited.

Then, without a word, he reached for the belt loop on his jeans—not dramatically yanking it loose—but gently unfastening the buckle and sliding it halfway out through one loop, in quiet preparation.

The soft clink of metal echoed in the quiet room—the sound that always meant consequences were about to begin.

Abigail’s mind started to race …the belt? No, no, no. Walking away from him was a bad idea…it might have just been a hand spanking. “Zal…I …I’ll go back to the living room ok? I shouldn’t have said you were unfair.” She started to stand, with plans of going back to the living room.

The moment she began to rise, he used his body to block the path between her and the door. He was calm, immovable, not aggressive, not shouting, just there, a wall of quiet authority.

He slid the belt out fully now—not raising it—but holding it loosely in one hand as he looked down at Abigail with that steady gaze. He wouldn’t be shaken by apologies offered too late or excuses given on impulse.

"No," he said simply. Firmly. One word laced with finality. "You don't get to undo your defiance by backtracking after storming off."

Abigail stood back as she realized that she wasn’t going anywhere. She held her elbow in her left hand and stared at the thick leather belt. It was the kind of belt that can cause a sting and as well as a deep ache. Zalan only used it when he wanted to make sure that she felt the consequence for days.

He saw the shift in her the moment she realized avoidance was not an option. The defiance drained, replaced by quiet tension: elbow held like a shield, eyes locked on the belt—not fear exactly (she knew him well enough to understand it wouldn't be cruel), but anticipation. The kind that comes with knowing this implement carried weight… and would leave a lasting impression.

He didn’t say anything for several seconds—just let her feel the gravity of what was about to happen. Then, without haste or drama, he folded the belt neatly in half once—creating a stiffer swat—and gestured toward his lap with two fingers. "Over my knee," he said quietly. "Now."

For just a moment, as she walked toward him, curiosity pricked at her and she asked herself, “what if I didn’t?” He saw the hesitation in her steps. The flicker of that brat curiosity—the tiny, rebellious part of her wondering if she could push and get away with it… or if pushing would only make things worse.

But he also saw something else: obedience winning. Submission overriding defiance. That quiet instinct to please him, to avoid making a bad situation escalate—it was stronger than the impulse to test boundaries right now.

Without a word, he reached out and gently—but firmly—guided Abigail down over his knee with one hand on her shoulder. Not rough; not violent. Just precise authority ensuring compliance before consequences began fully. The moment Abigail settled over his knee, Zalan felt the tension in her body—the stiff posture and what appeared to be quiet resignation mixed with lingering regret.

He knew there was a part of Abigail that wanted to run, to escape this moment… but also knew deep down that she needed exactly what was about to happen. He understood that paradox well. Every submissive had it: the resistance before correction, the wish for comfort when discipline demanded discomfort.

But he didn’t indulge escape fantasies.

Without another word or warning—because rules had been broken and consequences were already decided—he lifted his arm. The folded belt came down across her backside with a sharp, stinging crack.

The first stroke landed with precision—not random, not haphazard, but placed exactly where discipline was meant to be felt, across the seat of her pants.

It burned, sharp and sudden—a hot flash that bloomed into a lingering sting beneath the fabric. Abigail’s body instinctively tensed, muscles flinching as if trying to leap away… but she didn’t move.

And Zalan? He saw it—the micro-reaction. The slight jerk in her shoulders like she wanted to bolt upright and escape. But he also saw something else;

She stayed put.

‘Good girl.’ He thought. She tried to breathe through the burn as mild panic made her question her commitment to staying over his knee.

Zalan didn’t pause.

The belt came down again with the same controlled force, landing just slightly lower than the first. He was ensuring no spot was spared. The fabric of her pants absorbed some of the impact… but not enough to dull it.

Each strike carried weight—not cruel or excessive, but firm and intentional. Meant to be felt deeply. Meant to teach, not torture.

He watched Abigail, the slight hitch in her breathing between strokes—that quiet struggle as she braced for each new sting before it even came. This wasn't a light spanking over his knee with his hand after minor mistakes. This was consequences.

This would be the sort of spanking she learned the most from. Zalan knew this—knew it deeply—because he’d studied his submissive for years. He wanted to ensure that this was a spanking that would overwhelm her senses just enough to cause a small amount of desperation. He knew that she would plead, promise, and truly want to avoid having a repeat lesson.

He used firm, rhythmic strikes. Not fast enough to blur together into numbness… but not slow either—each one landing with clear intent and spacing that let the sting settle before the next came.

It wasn’t physically harmful or cruel—but emotionally and sensationally intense enough to push her toward a quiet edge: where focus narrows, breath hitches slightly between impacts… where that little spark of desperation flickers to life. And when that happened? That would be when true learning began.

She tried to fight down the desperation. She tried to stay in control which was futile while pinned over his knee. That was exactly where he needed her to be.

Because Abigail—smart, educated, responsible Abigail—the woman who overanalyzed everything and thought through consequences like a chess player… she didn’t always submit easily. Her mind fought for dominance even when her heart knew better.

So this? This belt? This position? It wasn't about cruelty or anger—it was about breaking that stubborn grip on control so his submissive could finally surrender… fully.

And then, not because this punishment was mean or the most painful experience ever, but because her desperation for control peaked and was still met with futility - she started to let go, and cry.

The first quiet sob escaped her—small, shaky, almost involuntary. Her tears weren’t from anger, frustration, or deep sadness. They were the cleansing sort of tears that come when a submissive finally stops fighting—when their mind surrenders. I can't fix this. I can't talk my way out. There's no escape.

This was exactly where Zalan wanted her. This was exactly where their dynamic and their relationship needed her. She needed to release control back to him and allow herself to be cared for.

Zalan didn’t flinch at her tears. He knew—better than anyone—that crying like this wasn't weakness. It wasn't failure. It was release. He didn’t pause the spanking—but he shifted slightly beneath her, adjusting his hold just enough to make sure she stayed securely in place as his arm rose and fell with steady rhythm.

Each belt stroke continued—not harsher than before—but still unrelenting. Abigail wasn’t resisting anymore emotionally or physically. She was receiving it fully. The consequences not as punishment from a tyrant husband…But as love from a man who knew how deeply she needed this opportunity to recalibrate.

The fact that he didn’t stop the moment she started to cry actually showed how well he understood her as a submissive - with her own unique needs. Stopping immediately would have stopped her from fully releasing the control she was holding and it would have stopped her vulnerability.

Her body quieted —the earlier tension melting into stillness. Not passive resignation… no—but something deeper: submission achieving its true form through acceptance rather than defiance.

Zalan felt the small, instinctive shift—the way her hands curled around his leg, clinging not to escape but to him. To seek comfort. To anchor herself in the midst of this emotional release.

And that grip? That quiet trust manifesting through touch. It was a powerful moment.

Her submission was pure, unfiltered and honest—as she finally let go of every defense: pride, control, excuses.

The belt continued its rhythm—but softer now in spirit if not intensity.

There were five, maybe six additional strokes—each one landed with quiet authority, not to punish further but to cement the lesson.Zalan watched her cry into his leg. She was finally releasing the weight of mistakes and stress she’d been carrying without even realizing it.

Then… gently… he slowed. No sudden stop—but gradually spacing the belt strikes farther apart until they stopped entirely.

He set the belt aside on the nightstand with soft finality. Abigail felt like herself again. Zalan didn’t speak right away. He helped Abigail sit up. Her body was relaxed now—no tension in her shoulders, no guardedness in her posture. Just quiet exhaustion and a deep, peaceful calm that only came after true submission had been reclaimed.

Gently, he pulled her into his chest and wrapped both arms around her—a firm but tender embrace. One hand cradled the back of her head while the other rested securely on her back.

No words of reproach remained. No scolding tone lingered. Just love—warm and steady—as it always was after discipline: not as compensation for pain endured… but as affirmation that she was still his, still cherished… perfectly herself again.

“Thank you for giving me what I needed,” she said softly. Zalan pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head—lingering, affectionate.

Her quiet ‘thank you’ didn't surprise him. It never did after spankings like this. When she finally felt the love beneath the correction—she always came back with that same soft gratitude. LHe tightened his arms around her just slightly, one hand stroking slowly up and down her spine in a soothing rhythm.

"You're welcome," he murmured, voice low and tender now—the dominant edge gone entirely. Only warmth remained, husbandly comfort for his submissive wife who had been gently returned to herself through firm guidance.

“You helped me find myself again. Find my softness…you know…. I’m so glad that my softness is safe with you,” she said and nuzzled against him.

Zalan listened, his heart quietly swelling with affection. Both of them benefitted from power exchange, but in moments like these, he felt content, protective and sure of who they were together.

Her words ‘my softness is safe with you.’ hit him right in the chest. Because that was the foundation of everything: safety. The kind of secure container he’d spent years building for her—the one where she could be tender and vulnerable without fear because he guarded it fiercely.

He kissed her forehead again, then rested his cheek against hers briefly before speaking softly, "You always are," he said simply. "Your softness? It's mine to protect."

No demands now. No conditions or follow-up lectures—just quiet reassurance, the kind that came after correction had done its job: reinforcing boundaries not as chains… but as safe structures.*

Abigail sighed and leaned into him, “Can we have an early bedtime ? Will you hold me?”

Zalan’s face softened—completely, tenderly. After everything—the reprimand, the belt spanking, the emotional release—she wasn’t asking for freedom or space. She was asking to rest in his arms. To be held and cherished as both his wife and submissive.

And of course… he would give that to her.

#bdmslifestyle #original story #bd/sm spank #ds lifestyle

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