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Alumni Exposed 1: Nieve Ruleton

In this series, I will expose former Swinton Community School pupils for what they really are. This week, the person in question is infamous ex-student known as Nieve Ruleton. Nieve Ruleton was famous for being the first ever Swinton student to form an afterschool society when she formed the debate club. This club did turn out to be a plot to deliver her extreme communist agenda to the younger, impressionable students. Notable exploits of Ruleton include the time she ventured to Parliment after seducing local MP John Healey in an attempt to establish herself on the political ladder. After Swinton, she went on to study politics in what we can only assume to be the beginning of her rise to a tyrannical dictator.

Now, you may be wondering, what’s so bad about that? Swinton has produced numerous dictators? This is not why I write this post today. I am writing this post because Ruleton attempted to create a being that would ultimately bring down capitalism...

The relationship between Nieve Ruleton and Lewis Weeb are well documented. Ruleton and Weeb did indeed have meetings in the back of Weeb’s Land Rover on the school grounds, but not many knew that they actually harnessed the power of time travel. There have been many incidences of Time Travel around Swinton Community School, a topic that I shall cover in greater detail soon for I fear Eric Endeavour may be responsible for it.

The theory goes that Lewis (one of the most right-wing students in the school) and Nieve traveled back in time and had a child (believed to be called Jess Weeb). This child was then raised by communists, but importantly, still possessed the traits of a ruthless capitalist that were required to win an election. Nieve has now met with her child in her current timeline and is said to be training her personally in the ways of ruthless leadership.

Fizzy Blood

As anyone who attends Swinton 6th form may be aware, there is a machine in the “kitchen” area that contains various different “drinks” that you can purchase. One such drink that I myself have consumed is the infamous “blood” drink. I’m not entirely sure what the drink was marketed as, but if you ordered it the machine would pump out a strange red, viscous liquid into your plastic cup. For 30p this wasn’t exactly good value, and led many to speculate the actual composition of the drink.

Some claim that it is actually the blood of inadequate teachers who have been sacrificed in order to further the schools OFSTED results. In the past, various teachers have simply vanished halfway through terms. These teachers are often the ones who are simply not very good at their jobs. Perhaps the school uses their blood in order to enhance the learning capacity of 6th formers in a last ditch attempt to better their A Level results? As we all know, blood does contain large amounts of iron, which is renowned for improving mental capabilities. Does this explain how I managed to achieve passable A Levels despite having woeful teaching throughout my time at Swinton? Will the teachers I was subjected to be the next victims to be syphoned into this vending machine? We can only begin to speculate...

Swinton in the dark

It has been well documented that Endeavour is attacking freely now, with two victim already claimed. Many at the school are denying this fact and are attempting to cover up the danger in order to get a better OFSTED report.

And so, in an effort to finally prove that Swinton Community School is indeed in the grasp of Eric Endeavour, I sent some willing volunteers into the school at night to see if they could find anything suspicious in the toilets.

Note that this was not a task taken lightly, and large sums of money may have exchanged hands. These volunteers ventured into a place where very few dare to tread. Some may have not made it out alive.

Here are some of the most conclusive/alarming images I received from them:

1) A Toilet

This image in particular was perhaps the most alarming, as the toilet is clearly sitting on some sort of loose tile, which could easily be the entrance to the infamous chamber of banter. Strange noises in the darkness were also reported. One man reported hearing a strange “Musical” sound emanating from this toilet, which unfortunately still contained Urine from the previous day so I will not be sharing the image on this blog.

2) Some cubicles

Note the strange green marking on the nearest door to the foreground. This not only points to Endeavour, but all the doors are pointing inwards, suggesting that the school is keeping information within its walls. Similarly the green tiles also point to house Endeavour.

3) This Tampon Dispenser

This strange contraption in the female toilets alarmed me, not because it dispenses tampons but because of the green colour at the bottom which immediately suggests the evil of Endeavour is nearby.

4) This Random Poster

Whilst this isn’t an image from the toilets, it shows how much the school fears Endeavour. Note how house Endeavour is placed furthest to the left, indicating that it is the best house.

If this alarming and conclusive evidence isn’t enough to convince you that Swinton Community School is under attack from a vicious descendent of Eric Endeavour then I personally think you are deluded. Wake up people, it’s time to accept the truth and take your children elsewhere before it’s too late.

Endeavour strikes again

And so the infamous heir to Eric Endeavour has struck again today with a malicious attack of malice against a student deemed to be of little value to the banterous realm. The student in question was found monsterenergyfied in the toilets by some sort of magical process involving a serious piece of banter.

The teacher who found the pupil is said to have been so shocked by the aurora of banter around the room that they decided to convert to Christianity as it was clear that no mortal being could have caused such a rupture in the banterous dimension.

Many parents are piping up finally about the safety of the school claiming that it is not possible for the school to remain open as Endeavour’s heir could strike at any given moment. Truth be told, I don’t think anyone is safe from the heir, whether you’re in the school or not. I fear nothing can stop him converting the whole world into a pool of monster energy.

As for the pupil in question, well the only cure to being monsterenergyfied is to be exposed to some seriously bad banter during a full moon on a tuesday in the presence of some politically correct feminists.

The lost SnapBack of Intrepid

Legend has it that Isla Intrepid possessed a SnapBack with magical properties. It gave the wearer the ability to see into the 4th banterous dimension, allowing one can see through the political correctness plane and witness banter in its true, uninhibited form.

If such an item fell into the wrong hands, the consequences could be dire. Whilst Swinton Community School deny all knowledge of the hats existence, some claim that the hat in still in their possession. Apparently the SnapBack was stolen by a student in 2013, but their mind imploded upon contact due to their lack of banter. As a result, the school buried the student in the long jump sand pits and claimed that he had been accepted by Cambridge to study Physics and would never be returning. Either that or someone from Swinton actually managed to get into Cambridge, but personally I think the first option is much more plausible.

Does the hat still exist, and if so is the heir to Eric Endeavour going to try and possess it?

The Chamber of Banter has been opened

It’s official, the Chamber has finally been opened and now perhaps people will start to take me more seriously. After a standard day, the school was in for a shock. A large message, apparently written in blood was discovered on the wall near Achievement Too that read:

“The Chamber of banter has been opened… Enemies of the heir beware…”

However, alongside this message there was a slightly more alarming piece of evidence. Intrepid’s mascot Dave - the school’s prize radioactive fish with 3 eyes - has been frozen in a jar of monster energy and placed below the message in a threatening manner. The corridor was also flooded with Monster Energy, which appears to have come from the girls toilets situated on the corridor. Nobody quite knows what this means, but there was nothing anyone could do to unfreeze Dave, who appears to have been Monster Energyfied; a term used to describe someone who has been frozen by some seriously powerful banter. The head teacher hastily removed Dave and tried to cover it up, but many students are said to have seen the message.

Will the school close? Or is this just the beginning of Eric Endeavour’s vision that began in 1600? If you attend Swinton Community School and are not in house Endeavour, I warn you to remain vigilant, as at any moment you could face the fearsome banter of Endeavour’s monster.

Advice to students starting back at school today

1) Don’t travel alone, it’s best to stick in groups of at least 3 or 4 that way it should be more difficult for Endeavour’s monster to get you, although that being said if your banter really isn’t worthy enough it will probably get you anyway.

2) Stay away from the toilets if at all possible, according to my sources these are the most likely sites for entrances to the chamber of banter.

3) If you’re in house Endeavour, don’t worry you’re probably fine, but try to reassure other students, especially the younger ones if you can.

4) Arm yourself with Monster Energy if possible, although don’t let the teachers see it or they will confiscate it as a result of the rules.

5) Stay on guard. Any suspicious behaviour spotted send me a message on Tumblr and I will document it.

Entrances to the Chamber?

1. Roy’s Broadway diner

It is well known that several secret passageways exist in Swinton Community School. This passageway in question leads to Roy’s Broadway diner. It is unknown as to why this passageway exists, and some have suggested that it is part of a secret system of tunnels that are connected to the Chamber of Banter. Whilst the tunnel has remained sealed for several centuries, new evidence suggests that it has been reopened again.

However, this is not necessarily related to The Chamber of Banter. Roy himself is said to have been involved in the reopening of this tunnel, as the current head teacher has banned students from leaving the school at lunch time - which has resulted in a significant fall in profits.

This sudden influx of students has resulted in excruciatingly long waiting times, so if you’re planning on getting a quick sandwich I’d recommend Upper Crust.

Attempts on my life

Exposing the darkest secrets of Endeavour is by no means an easy or safe task. If my anonymity is compromised, my life will likely be in danger. I urge you to head my warnings, for I do not share them lightly, even if I am off my head for around 90% of the time.

Only today I was poisoned, possibly by the heir to Eric Endeavour or some other person associated with Swinton Community School intent on silencing me. Either that or I didn’t cook that chicken for long enough, but anyway, I digress.

Whilst I managed to survive the poison, I am now crippled and unable to leave this room. However, as long as I have Internet connection I will still be able to expose all the dirty secrets Swinton Community School has to offer.

And take it from me, that school has been hiding secrets for centuries…

Dave the Radioactive Fish

It has been well document that the buses situated in Swinton Community School are actually part of a nuclear power station, but it has not yet been covered that the school actually breeds fish in the same water used to cool the reactor. Students can take courses in “Fish Husbandry” in order to experience this first hand. As a result the fact that the school is exposing children to harmful radiation is perhaps the worst kept secret of all time.

This brings us nicely to the current topic - Radioactive Fish. School Dinners at Swinton Community School are riddled with controversy, but new information has arisen to show that the fish bred in the radioactive coolant are used to make all the School’s fish based products, including the ever popular fish fingers. That is with the exception of one fish: Dave. Bred by the infamous student Callum Dunn in 2013, Dave remains the only fish to have 3 eyes. An impressive feat indeed; one which earned Dunn an automatic A* in fish husbandry.

Whilst many felt Dave should be named after one of the 4 founders, Dunn himself chose to name the fish “Dave” after several past head teachers with the same name. The fish now proudly sits on display in a large (non radioactive) tank in Wentworth Hall. Several teachers, including the deputy head were opposed to this move, claiming it “wasn’t a good advert for the school.” These complaints were ignored however, and the fish became the official mascot of house Intrepid.

Strange Messages?

Take a close look at the above image. Whilst at first glance it seems like a fairly innocent advert for sports day, on closer inspection a darker underlying meaning becomes apparent. Note how the four house colours are represented in what appears to be a race. Also note that house Endeavour appears to have a clear lead and Intrepid are falling behind.

If the four colours represent the four houses however, then who is the figure in black crossing the finish line? Which house is he affiliated to? Is he leading the school (represented by the masses of shadowy figures) to a new beginning? Is this beginning much darker, hence the black colouring? Is the positioning of house intrepid a warning from the Heir? Oppose him and you will fall behind into the shadows, perhaps?

Is the shadowy figure the heir to Eric Endeavour, or is he someone else? Perhaps the woman behind him is the heir, being led by someone who’s banter is much more powerful? We can only begin to speculate...

Proposed new build

A very interesting theory has arisen this week regarding the proposed new school promised in 2010. Whilst the plans appeared to be in full swing, abruptly they were halted. As a student at the time, even I was consulted as to what the new school should include. Not that any of the teachers actually listen to the students; they consult us and then do exactly the opposite of what we say to make it look like they take our opinions into consideration.

The school claimed that funding was cut when David Cameron was elected as prime minister the same year, however we know that Swinton has been working with Cameron on projects such as the Nuclear Power station fish buses, so this explanation doesn’t seem to add up.

Are there other reasons then as to why the seemingly inevitable new build was abruptly quashed? The current school is extremely dilapidated after being founded in 1509, so why has a new one not been constructed yet?

My only explanation? The heir to Eric Endeavour does not want to miss their chance to open the Chamber of Banter, a new school would make it impossible to open the chamber. But who could be in a position to make such a major decision? Surely a student could not have such an influence? Perhaps the heir to Eric Endeavour is in a much higher position within the school...

Disappearing Artwork

It is well known that Swinton Community School was in possession of a highly valuable piece of artwork. A rare specimen said to have consisted of a few weird circles was coveted by many collectors, including a Chinese museum. The piece of art itself was completed by Swinton founder Isla Intrepid, hence it’s high value.

However, recently the piece has disappeared without a trace. It used to reside in the doorway of the Rockingham entrance, near the Science block, but one day it was nowhere to be seen. The school were quick to cover this up, claiming that it had indeed been sold to China so that the school could buy some half decent equipment in an attempt to hide the fact that their incompetent security had led to the loss of one of their most valuable assets.

Evidence has arisen that Isla Intrepid saw visions in her old age, and began to create some very strange pieces of art. Rumour has it, that this particular piece of art was part of a puzzle. A puzzle designed to reveal the location of Eric Endeavour’s chamber of banter. The heir to Eric Endeavour knows this, and so all traces of the artworks existence have been wiped. Is it true however? Could Isla Intrepid have known about the Chamber’s existence, or was it just a really bad piece of art? Could she have somehow found out about Endeavour’s plans, and attempted to warn future generations without arousing suspicion? We may never know...

The Battle of Edinburgh

Perhaps one of Swinton Community School’s greatest coverups was the part they played in the great battle of Edinburgh in 1602. Founder Eric Endeavour had taken a particular liking to the idea of becoming Lord Eric Endeavour, so he decided to help out the King by supplying 1,000 school children to fight in the famous battle. After telling the children they were off to a theme park for the day, it quickly transpired that he had planned to place them directly on the front line. As a result, around 900 students were killed. When parents asked about this, Endeavour told them there had been a gas explosion (despite the fact that gas hadn’t been invented yet).

In the end the entire battle of Edinburgh was wiped from the records by Lord Eric Endeavour to avoid any suspicion from as to where 900 students had gone. Those students that did return were too afraid to speak of the horrific events they had witnessed.

As a result, The Battle of Edinburgh is never the correct answer to questions about battles on quizzes, even if it is the official right answer.

School Dinner Controversy

It is well known that Swinton’s school dinners have been riddled with controversy over the past few year. We have recently had confirmation that the school bred radioactive fish for their fish fingers, and that the salad is actually green paper.

However, it has recently been uncovered that the School secretly fills their Flapjacks with cocaine. Why would the school do such a thing, especially as they have already banned Monster Energy? Surely Cocaine is much worse than energy drinks? Well, it appears the school is only interested in profit. The previously unpopular Flapjacks - which are so hard several students have lost teeth to them - are now the most popular item on the menu.

This extra money gives them additional financial stability. It is unknown where the School came across such large quantities of Cocaine, but rumour has it a large stockpile was uncovered last year, and the school are attempting to capitalise on the find as covertly as possible. It is much easier to sell the drugs to unknowing students than to a global market, and also arouses less suspicion.

Is this ethical? Or is it simply preparing the students for life on the streets when they fail their A Levels miserably because of atrocious teaching standards? Would the founders of the School approve? I’m sure Eric Endeavour would...

Nuclear Activity

When 2 buses were lowered via crane into the middle of the school, there were numerous raised eyebrows. Where had the money for the buses come from in a school that could barely afford to turn the heating on in winter? What were the buses going to be used for? At first it sounded like one of those jokes, but when the buses arrived nobody could quite believe what they were seeing. Had the head teacher gone mad? Or did these buses have a much more sinister motive?

Rumour has it that the buses that now sit in the centre of Swinton Community School are actually part of a disguise, for a very compact nuclear power station set up in the school as an experiment. In 2012 the school received a large sum of money from the government. David Cameron wanted to see the effect Nuclear Power plants could have on children who came into regular close contact with them.

This research aimed to prove that there was no adverse effects, so that around 100 nuclear power stations could be built in the North of England. However, the strange behaviour of Swinton staff and students proved that something was definitely not right. During some undercover visits from government workers, children were observed undertaking strange behaviour such as “wailing’ and “throwing themselves down stairs”.

As a result, the building of the power plants was canceled, for fear of more children turning out like the ones at Swinton. Despite this, the power plant at Swinton was never decommissioned, as it provided the school with limitless electricity for other purposes.

Critics argue that the Nuclear Power station had no effect on the children at all, they described their behaviour as “The Swinton Phenomenon.”

Blatant Lies

Having already exposed a number of cases where Swinton Community School have failed to safeguard their students (and yes, I have many more such cases still to expose), how is it that the School can still blatantly pretend that they are trying to look after their students?

I found this rather ridiculous quote on their website:

And yet they choose to ignore the growing threat of Eric Endeavour’s heir and the Chamber of Banter being opened again? Not to mention some other strange things that have occurred behind the schools closed doors...

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