Seven Weeks to Armageddon | Chapter 5: Mustering the Hosts
[Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss "Hell on Earth" AU Fanfiction]
Art done by Krofty!
Stolas leaned forward, fingers on the keyboard and mouse as he clicked his way through two menus…okay, and then “print” again.
The printer whirred to life beside him.
“YES!” He threw both fists into the air, laughing in triumph. Just wait until Blitzy got home and saw—
And right on cue, he heard three bangs on the front door. “Stolas! Little help!”
He raced over and found Blitzø struggling with a pair of paper bags. “Oh, here…”
Stolas took one. The imp slipped past his legs and dumped the remaining groceries on the counter. He took a moment to catch his breath again. Then he dug around, grabbed a six-pack of Beelzejuice, and took it over to Loona’s door. “Loonieee!” He knocked. “Got your drinks!”
The door cracked open just enough for her to grab them before slamming again.
“You’re welcome!”
He laughed it off before turning back to Stolas, who was itching to show him what he’d done. “I got everything fixed with the printer!”
“What really? How the fuck did you do that?”
“I don’t know really, I just… I looked up what was wrong with it and followed the directions.” That’s really as simple as it was to him, and yet Stolas had found that apparently reading directions on how to fix something and then following them was a unique skill. He had to admit it felt good to have a skill like that, even if it felt as natural as just reading.
Blitzø pushed in beside him, no concern as usual for personal space. He typed out a string of gibberish and sure enough, it printed. “YES! FUCK YES!” He cackled. “Okay now we can print out those flyers without having to deal with that dipshit at store. ‘Menace to life and limb and property’, I’ll fucking show him menace…”
With the imp now fully commandeering the computer, Stolas stepped away, taking a watering can on the counter and striding over to a few pots outside on the balcony table. Some humble sprouts perched in them with vines unfurling over the metal grating. “Thirsty, little darlings?”
Their leaves twitched and relaxed as he watered them. His mind went back to the first plants he’d cultivated when he first began exploring herbology. They’d grown to be so proud and mighty… up until he’d been kicked out of his home. And by now if they hadn’t been frozen over, that bitch Stella and her brother had certainly tossed them out!—
No.
Stolas shook his head. No, he was getting caught in that thought process again. He’d get so caught up in his hatred towards them that he’d only distract himself. Just… one thing at a time. First, the plants. He kept measuring out their water. Then, time at home. He had specifically scheduled ‘unstructured free time’ today so that he could come back tomorrow refreshed and ready to crack the problem. Appealing his case was already difficult when he had, of course, openly confessed to conspiracy. Appealing such a difficult case to Satan was going to take longer than the ninety-nine remaining years in his sentence.
And then there was Via.
Stolas couldn’t help it. He let himself get distracted, looking over the edge of the balcony to Imp City. The avenue below was filled with imps criss-crossing the streets and sidewalks. In the distance taller towers reached the red sky, and he could just make out a screen advertising VoxTech. On the far distant side of the Pride Ring near Pentagram City, he knew, Via was huddled in the manor.
He still couldn’t believe himself. He could’ve come up with another story, made some other statement to the court, but he’d just said the first thing that came to his mind to save Blitzø’s life. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Now she thought he didn’t care about her, that he’d been trying to escape her. She hated him, and… it was his fault.
So it was on him to fix this.
“Hahaaaa, we are good to GO!” Blitzø came out behind Stolas, a thick wad of pamphlets in his hands. “Tomorrow I’ll send M’n’M out to run these through the sinner neighborhoods. Get them on every light pole. Holiday season’s coming up, deadliest time of the year in the living world, so that means plenty of fresh customers!” With a satisfied sigh he looked out over the street and city along with Stolas. Then back up at him. “Whatcha looking at?”
“Oh nothing, just thinking…”
“Yeah? What about?”
Stolas just met him with a sad, pointed look.
“Right, right…” Blitzø looked away…before rushing back inside. “Hold on, stay right there, don’t move. I was gonna save this for later but fuck it.” He dropped the papers on the counter before rummaging into the bag again. “You know something? Streets were crawling with reapers today, saw like three of them!” The imp started ripping open some containers.
“Really? Must have been looking for someone. Either a sinner got too big for their boots, or a hellborn crossed one of the Goetia…”
Blitzø scoffed at the twisted humor, “Don’t I know it. Whoever it is is a poor rat bastard…” He came back out to the balcony again. “Guess what I gooooot. Horse dovers!”
“...I beg your pardon?”
“You heard me right! Horse dovers! Rich people food!” And with a grin he held up a plate. It was filled with plain soda crackers topped with ripped up slices of cheese and salami and olives, all held together with toothpicks.
Stolas blinked, and despite the clouds in his mind he smiled. “It’s…” He couldn’t bring himself to correct Blitzø’s pronunciation, it’d be a slap in the face to his kindness . “It’s lovely Blitzy, thank you.” He accepted one. It was a far cry from the fine sausage and sharp cheddars he’d enjoyed in his manor; it also tasted far more comforting. “It’s very kind of you.”
“Yeah, I was just thinking, we’re coming up to the one year anniversary of…you moving in, and thought you could use a little taste of home.”
“It is very lovely,” Stolas accepted a couple more of the hors d'oeuvres. “I just…don’t know what to do about it. Every time I think of what to say to Via, it just falls apart in my mind. And then I think actions speak louder than words, but I can’t think of anything that I could feasibly do that she’d want to see. And it just cycles in my head.”
Blitzø slid the plate onto the table beside the plants, setting one hand on the railing and looking out and away. “You’re real good with the computer stuff, you know that?”
“Heh, yeah, guess I am…”
“I know I give you shit about fitting in with us normal lower-class folks here, but you’re not stupid. I’m sure you can figure something out.”
“Thank you, Blitzy. But…well, people are a lot more complicated than computers. I can’t exactly look up a guide to apologizing to Via.” He sighed, leaning forward over the balcony railing himself. “I just…I want things to go back the way they were. If I could just do it over again, I wouldn’t be such an idiot …”
Blitzø was quiet for a moment. “ Just the way things were?”
“Of course.”
The imp was quiet again. “Here, I’m gonna put away the rest of the shit. Finish up the rest of these, I gotta—”
Blitzø’s phone buzzed.
“Oh for fuck’s sake it’s my day off, if that’s Moxxie I swear I’m gonna rip him a new asshole!”
But as he pulled his phone out, Stolas’ also went off further in the room with a blaring tone. Then again from inside Loona’s room. And echoing from down in the street dozens of times. The TV suddenly turned itself on and the screen showed the sigil of the Seven Sins. The words on the screen matched the voice that started echoing outside:
“The following is a decree by the Seven Sins. Full obedience is expected! By the authority of His Majesty Lucifer Morningstar, all infernal hosts are being formally—”
Loona’s door opened, and she stepped out, staring at her phone. “Uhhhh… what the fuck is going on?”
“Shhhh!” Stolas tried to quiet her, listening to the television set. Whatever this was, it could not be good.
“—are to report to their native rings. There are no exceptions. Any attempt of a hellborn to remain within the Pride Ring will be—”
Pounding on the door down the hall. Stolas whipped his head around and heard through the door, “Clear out! Get out of here, get back to the Wrath Ring now!”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” That was the neighbor. “I just got the message, gimme a fucking moment to pack!”
“No packing! Everybody out NOW!”
Blitzø’s voice got his attention again, “What the shit…” He wasn’t looking at his phone, he was looking down over the edge of the balcony. Stolas rushed over beside him and looked again.
In just a few seconds the street had already transformed. Baphomets in the red peaked caps of the Sins’ enforcers had appeared and were hurrying down the sidewalks, pausing to talk with people, pointing them towards the end of the road. A reaper stood on the corner watching the proceedings unfold. The screens in the distance no longer showed advertisements for overpriced goods or the newest pornos; instead there were arrows, pointing to nearby elevators.
“—not attempt to gather your belongings. Do not return home if you are out. Proceed directly to the nearest elevator for transit. Sinners, remain indoors to avoid—”
Hammering on their door now. “Open up! Under the authority of the Sins!” Stolas could see Blitzø’s face take on a genuinely terrified look, that he hadn’t seen since that fateful day in court. The door rattled again. “OPEN UP!” Blitzø pressed back into the railing…
Loona saw this, and suddenly moved to open it herself. Blitzø started forward. She yanked it open and roared, “We HEARD IT! We’re coming!”
“One minute to be out this door,” and he moved on.
“Stolas…” Blitzø’s voice was uncharacteristically meek as he held his phone up for the owl to see the message. “You know about this kind of shit. What exactly do they mean by ‘mobilization’?”
Stolas thought about it. Then his eyes suddenly snapped skyward. The most recent extermination had just been canceled, there wasn’t some unannounced retribution, was there? Was Hell being invaded? But he saw no angels in the sky. Unless Heaven’s armies were literally inside the rings he couldn’t see a reason for such an expedited movement…
“Guys! Come on, grab your shit!” Loona snapped at them as she disappeared back into her room, breaking Stolas from his frantic thoughts.
“They said not to bring anything though.”
“Yeah well fuck that.” Through the door Stolas could see her grab the drone bag, then yank her phone charger from the wall. Phone charger! Yes! Stolas quickly raced to grab his and Blitzø’s both.
The imp was slowly unfreezing, wandering into the living room, hand rubbing at his chest, realizing they weren’t coming for him personally. “Stolas, what do they mean by mobilization? Isn’t that some kind of army thing?”
“They’re mustering the hosts of Hell. And remember, the hosts of Hell are made up of all the hellborn…”
“What, am I getting fucking drafted or something?! Nobody’s given a shit about which host they’re part of in centuries! What the FUCK is going on?!”
Oh for Satan’s sake, “I don’t KNOW Blitzø! In case you didn’t notice, I’m not exactly on the inside of these things any more!”
“Don’t start talking down to me, I’m just asking you a fucking question!”
“YOU don’t start yelling at ME again!”
“WELL I’M KINDA FREAKING THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW!”
“DAD! Stolas!” Loona got between them, “Can we not do this right now?! Come on, let’s just get out of here before that guy comes back!”
Stolas followed the others out into the hallway. The printed flyers, the dressed up crackers, the groceries on the counter, would never be touched again.
Other imps were making their way to the exit too: a lone man in T-shirt and jeans, a small family dressed like a Dickensian novel, two women in bell bottoms and tank tops, all of them similarly confused and hesitant and yet moving their feet in compliance. Stolas hardly knew them beyond the petty bickering of icy neighbors, but for now all of that didn’t matter. Outside the announcement was already repeating:
“By the authority of His Majesty Lucifer Morningstar, all infernal hosts are being formally summoned. All hellborn are to report to their native rings. There are no exceptions.”
Stepping outside, the street was almost unrecognizable now. Sidewalks were filled with imps, with a smattering of other hellborns here and there. A hellhound mother had her baby lifted out of its stroller as she nodded along to a baphomet’s instructions. People were spilling into the road and drivers leaned on their horns, ranting out their windows, while the pedestrians shouted back, and again the officers were trying to intervene. All of them baking and sweating under a ‘sunny’ blood red sky.
Stolas towered over the crowd taking shape around them. In every direction he could see chaos slowly sweeping them down the street, around the corner. Honking. Shouting. Babies crying. A grocery store abandoned with stands in front; a pair of sharks passed by, glancing around before snatching some food and stuffing it into their jackets.
Coming up to the intersection Stolas saw a reaper standing in silence, glaring without eyes at the shepherded hellborn. Blitzø spotted it and froze; it nearly got him bowled over by the folks behind them. “Hey keep moving ASSHOLE!” “Dad, come on!” Stolas set his hand on the imp’s shoulder, guiding him forward, turning his own head to fix his gaze on the creature. The words still bounced off the buildings around them from a dozen different points:
“Proceed directly to the nearest elevator for transit. Do not attempt to gather your belongings. Do not return home if you are out. Proceed directly to the nearest elevator for transit.”
There was the sound of chopping in the air, before a helicopter glid overhead low to the ground. Flyers ripped off of light poles and fluttered in the wind of the copter blades. Its shadow swept down the road over the crowd, before crossing the entrance to the elevators.
“BLITZØ!”
That was Millie’s voice. She cleaved through the crowd to reach them, dragging Moxxie in tow, who in turn had Mackie hugged to his chest. The baby looked about, mouth hanging open, struggling to take it all in; Stolas could tell she was on the brink of crying. Moxxie meanwhile kept his eyes darting around. “What the fuck’s going on?! What host are we even supposed to go to?!” He directed that last question at Stolas.
“I don’t know!”
“How do you not know?!”
“You’re a Goetia!” Millie chimed in.
“You think I gave a shit about who was or wasn’t in my hosts?! HEY!”
An imp had suddenly elbowed him. “Watch where you’re going jackass!”
“I’m just trying to get there!” He sighed as the imp just shuffled away still swearing under his breath, the space now opening up as they reached the elevator station. Then he returned to Moxxie, “This hasn’t happened for hundreds of years, and I can’t remember the last time it was on such a scale. I wouldn’t even know where the records are!”
“Leaving for the Greed Ring!” A baphomet held his hand out to a nearby elevator car. “Sharks only, for the Greed Ring!
The station here was always crowded, but now it was borderline deafening from the shouts and commands echoing off the gilded walls. “Now arriving for Gluttony! Gluttony Ring, all hellhounds onboard!”
“Holllld on there,” a baphomet grabbed Loona’s wrist as she tried to edge past.
“What — hey!”
She instinctively ripped her hand out of his grasp. The officer recoiled in confusion. “Hellhounds are boarding here!”
“Uh, no!” Blitzø finally snapped to his usual self and barged right into the baphomet’s face, “She’s my daughter, I legally adopted her, she’s coming with us to the Wrath Ring!”
But already another pair of officers were coming up, and a reaper was starting to look their way. Stolas lifted his hand, “Blitzø, I think—”
“Don’t you FUCKING DARE take their side! Come on Loona, hey! HEY! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER!”
The officers grabbed her wrists. She tried to pull back. This time they anticipated her resistance and yanked her forward. Loona snarled, reared her head. “Fucking LET GO OF ME!”
A black chain materialized around her neck and she was wrenched forward. The chain led to a reaper’s mottled fingers. “Imps to the Wrath Ring!” His free hand pointed to the distant elevator. “Hellhounds to Gluttony! No exceptions!”
“LOONA!” All fear leaving him Blitzø lunged forward. Stolas had to grab him off the ground. He squirmed and kicked. “LET GO OF ME! THOSE FUCKWADS AREN’T GONNA TAKE HER!”
“Dad!” Another pull, she was trying to strain against it, but the reaper’s magic was too powerful. Meanwhile the baphomets tried to herd the rest of them away.
“Let! Me! GO!” He began beating Stolas across the back, the blows raining on his back and shoulders and flank, and then twisted to bite at his arm!
“Ach! BLITZØ!” Stolas finally held him out in front of him, grip tightening “You can’t do anything here! None of us can! You’re going to get yourself arrested and put on trial again and this time I won’t be able to save you! We have to figure something out later!”
“Oh right, you’re the last —” He was about to spit something out… but he faded into a murderous scowl, unable to finish his words.
Stolas could guess what he was going to say. He turned his head to the reaper and the officers. “Where am I supposed to go then?!”
“Just go to your native ring!”
“Will you look at me?! I’m not an imp or hellhound or anything listed here! Where am I supposed to go?!”
The reaper actually paused. The shapeless void gazed into Stolas’ eyes. He could feel a quaver deep in his heart but he fought it down. “...Any ring, just bring yourself before a Sin.”
“I will go with Loona then!” He faced back to Blitzø. Thank Satan it seemed to actually calm him. “I’ll go with her, she won’t be alone. I’ll find a way back to you.”
He set the imp back on the ground. Blitzø pointed up at him, eyes narrowed. “You better fucking promise.”
“I do!”
“Say it.”
“I promise we’ll get back to you! If it takes days or weeks, we will both get back to you.”
By now Loona had also calmed. Stolas walked over to her; the chain dissipated from around her neck, and with a snarl she ripped her hands from the two baphomets holding her.
“Come on, it’ll be okay…” Stolas rested her hand on her shoulder, helped to guide her into the golden elevator car. She glared around, still baring her teeth, but he could feel that she was trembling. He turned his head all the way around to look back. Even as hellhounds filled the space behind them, Stolas could see Millie and Moxxie watching, and Blitzø between them with a steely glare. Stolas nodded.
He really hoped he could keep his promise.
The elevator door shut, and the announcement trailed off as they began to descend, “By the authority of His Majesty Lucifer Morningstar…”
