the laugh is somewhat of a haze breaker. the dream-like situation where sehun had thought that they could make everything okay again had broken with it; the sharpness and bitterness lacing it driving despair into his heart. he feels stupid, almost, naive in thinking that they could have fixed it all so perfectly with only a few simple, loving words. something near to regret settles deep in his heart -- regret for letting himself get his hopes up so easily, when really, it couldn't be as simple as he had planned for.
luhan's voice is not how sehun remembers. all of a sudden it's as cold as ice, unwelcoming but ever so tender, and rather than pleading for luhan to stop he wants to take him into his own arms and warm him right up again. his mouth opens, lips parting with the intention of saying something reassuring, but all he can manage is, "yes, luhan, i will--" before he's cut off by more words from the mouth of someone who he thought he could dedicate himself to. the only person or thing he'd ever need, he recalls.
"not on purpose, lu, i would never," is all he can manage. his mind is blank and his lips are trembling, throat blocked with something that tastes not unlike acid. he closes his eyes with a wish to be in a simpler place briefly; a place where he could love luhan without complications, and where neither of them had anything stopping them. where he could remember luhan, his name, his face, his heart and his mind; he longs for a day where he could know all of these things about someone so precious like he knew them about himself.
he sees the flicker of movement, a reach towards the precious necklace, and a sob barely escapes his throat. he's on the edge of begging. let's forget this, move on; we can talk later, right? is what he wants to say. instead, it all catches somewhere in his chest, tugging painfully and rendering him unable to say anything at all. tears linger on his eyelashes, close to falling with only a few more, cruel words--
-- then again, he can't blame him. sehun knows that he's trouble. it should have been his responsibility to warn luhan, to let him choose with the knowledge of what may happen either way-- to let one of them escape before they were too far tangled in each other to think straight. he guesses that he's really the most responsible for luhan's pain, because he could have stopped this before it had even started. nipping the problem by the bug would have been a much better solution than to drag them both into such a place, time and plight which would leave both of them with scars.
"no, lu," escapes with choked breaths. "you aren't stupid." it's the most he can say with a blank mind and pained heart. if anyone's inferior out of the two of them, it's sehun. sehun with all of his faults could never compare to luhan's perfection. as he continues, though -- sehun supposes that luhan has something bad to himself. it's an underlying bitterness and hatred for anything that comes close. why else would he be so spiteful?
eyes wide open, sehun forces himself to take all of luhan in. "luhan, no," is what he chooses, continuing with; "you know i-- you know i fucking can't, lu." it feels so, so unfair, but also so, so deserved. while he hates it, he also feels like he needs it. he needs this reality, this cruelty. "it's not an excuse. it's a-- lu, fuck, you shouldn't have chosen me if you knew that! if you knew that you couldn't deal with that--"
eyes fix on the necklace and the deep inhale he takes is beseeching luhan to not fucking do it. the smile present as he watches is so out of place and sehun has to fight away the tears along his waterline. he doesn't want to look at the fucking necklace. he wants to see luhan for all he is, for all he ever will be -- to remember it all, forever, despite whatever his fucking disorder tells him. "you are a person-- lu, shit, please--"
luhan might as well have thrown the necklace at sehun and the pain still wouldn't have amounted to how much he feels when it hits the floor. he's so caught up in how torn he feels that he nearly tunes out luhan's laugh. it's all too loud and all too menacing, and sehun hates it. he hates whatever has happened to luhan, hates this person that his desire has become.
"you don't, lu," is what tumbles out. his filter is turned off and all he can do is talk, talk, talk. "you deserve someone better. you deserve someone who can look at your face and know who you are, not someone who fucking-- who has to use a shitty piece of metal to have any sort of clue. but, guess fucking what, luhan? i've been trying! i've been trying so fucking hard to finally recognize someone-- to recognize you. but, i suppose it'll never be enough, right?" he's on the edge of laughing himself, quivering hand raising to undo his own necklace and letting it slide away and drop to the floor, eyes closing and unwilling to see luhan's reaction.
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