stay golden @sxvannary - Tumblr Blog

i keep thinking about the one time we went to toronto island as a date in the midst of all the chaos. we decided to take time out for ourselves and we sat in the patio aftee biking and shared a pitcher of beer. i dont remember what we talked about but i remember the sun on our legs and the breeze from the lake and us just people watching and looking at the skyline on the other side of the water.

2024 week two

yall i got the job. they loved me and were honestly so excited to have me there and im just so excited. im excited to really show off my smarts and my skills and contribute to a team again. my parents are proud of me again and now i gotta keep them proud. i gotta really work my ass off this year to hopefully secure a full time contract after this so i really have to wow them and im sure i will be able to. now i just hope i have remix project into my hands too; not even just so i can move jobs but for the experience and connections itself. once i get that first paycheck i cannot wait to fucking crush my debt lmao. i really feel like things are set up to turn around again

2024 week one

i dont want to jinx it but it feels like things are slowly falling into place? my last interview honestly felt like it was going really well and i think i played to a lot of my strengths and hihlighted relevant experience. my finances are beeing tracked and it doesnt feel like a loose cannon. i feel like even my relationship with jayden is good and he sees the concerted effort im putting into this. recently ive been a little self conscious because it feels like everyone else is living this cool girl downtown toronto lifestyle where they go on so many international trips and are going to all these restaurants and concerts but then i have to remind myself that im in a different place as them, i have different priorities now, and maybe its just not my time. who knows, maybe there is someone out there who is jealous of the lifestyle i portray on social media? grass is always greener and i have to remind myself to express gratitude because it could be a lot worse and im already lucky to be surrounded by such a great support system. i just really need a job because i feel like i need to help support my parents now and theyre only getting older.

i had a dream i tried to end it all. but at the very last moment, what felt like the whole spectrum of humanity rushed into me and i begged not to give up this life i had...feels like a call from inside the house to keep pushing

2023 has been about achieving so many milestones while simultaneously experiencing personal lows and that im almost unworthy of achieving said milestones.

also in my dream i was being chased by these two men. but i wasnt myself, i think i was an old woman or my grandma. when being chased i was jumping from tree to tree. when i was cornered, the only way to go was up. so i kept climbing up until my heads were in the clouds. when they asked why i had went so high i said that i had some words left to say to those who already passed. and i was hoping they would hear me better if i had gone higher. i wanted to make sure they heard me before i could finally let go

i had a dream where someone told me PR is just a fancy group of people telling businesses how to navigate and avoid today's pariah culture

my self esteem has been ruined beyond repair

21

there's no such thing as a great love story. there are only stories of missed timings, of what-ifs, of grief, of the humbling realization that sometimes love is not enough. because when you're 21 you're always running. you're either running towards something bigger than your hands can hold or youre running away from something so heavy that your whole body cant bear to hold up. you're learning all the ways to cope; you start off with all the unhealthy ways and you slowly make your way into healthier coping mechanisms. you knew it was going to be messy, being in young adulthood but no one told you about all the dust and dirt and slime that your palms would face. that even when you try to wipe your hands clean, sometimes the dirt will still be under your nails. no one told me i would be 21 and drowning.

all about love - past loves edition

as much as those experiences hurt me, i think they all gave me lessons. they told me not to be scared of being vulnerable; that is was okay to open my heart and be hurt but that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. it may lead you into another tunnel but there will always be a light at the end. that hurt is inevitable, but it's how you get up that counts. it taught me that the most authentic way to find love is to be yourself, that's the only way you know the love counts. if youre trying to be something else, it's not love, it's just infatuation. you just want to have them, you dont really care to be with them. and yes there is a difference between the two. i learned to give myself grace, especially as someone who is notoriously hard on themselves.

iffs taught me to be myself. but also to recognize when people just arent compatible with you anymore. its no ones fault, its just how life goes. he taught me that multiple soulmates exist. its okay to admit they were perfect for you at one point in life but not anymore. that timing really is everything.

aj taught me pain. that love can be messy. it can get intertwined and thats okay, itll take some time to untangle the relationship from other things but just because theyre tangled doesnt mean its a package deal, they can still be untangled. that sometimes you can give your all and still not be enough for them, even when on paper youre more than perfect. sometimes its just not enough for other people. that sometimes you cant force people to be on your level and you need to take that cue and run. and again, it's no ones fault.

im not surprised but it still hurts to see you followed through and broke your word

damn, everything okay?

big picture - everything's fine, sometimes big life changes can be disorienting, but im trying to not give "disorienting" a negative connotation. it's just strange and nerve wracking and sometimes surreal but it's for the better???

all about love - moe edition

growing up, i struggled to understand love. my only benchmark for love were all the tv shows and disney movies i watched as a kid - but we all know those were just fantasy. in my own life, my parents weren't particularly affectionate or present so they couldnt exactly be my model for love either. sometimes, i think that the only adults who really modelled it for me were my aunt and uncle.

what they taught me was that love can be pretty freeing if you have the right person. you can both be free to be authentically yourselves and together, you kind of create your own little sunshine. it doesn't have to be glaringly bright, but everyone around will feel its warmth nonetheless. they just always seemed so happy; they had these little inside jokes accumulated from all the adventures they've shared, and they would never not make each other laugh. looking back on my memories, there was never an exact moment where i thought to myself, "that is the type of love i want." seeing the way me and jayden are now though, I can tell its made an impact on me.

my aunt and uncle weren't similar at all; i think on paper anyone would agree they were complete opposites. but because of that, they actually end up complementing each other perfectly. one person makes up for the other when they fall short. although they are both impressive individuals, their strength is amplified when the two of them are together. despite all the time spent together, you can just tell that at the end of the day, they are two separate individuals who just really love and support each other's endeavours.

life is truly just never-ending hurdles. trying to figure out how we will get out of the next challenge unscathed. we drown ourselves in worries upon worries and soon enough we're 25 realizing we should have spent more time enjoying our happiest moments.

i wish you were at the wedding lai. i wish you could have spent my day with me and with our friends. ive had a lot of support and kind words throughout the day but it would have been nice to hear wishes from you again. but then again, would our lives have crossed since then

i want to crawl into a cave

after almost 10 years im finally watching scrubs

i feel like i would be unrecognizable to 22 year old monica

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