Sentimentality sneaks up on me. I really am the happiest I've been in a long time. The best advice I ever received was to erase with my own unhappiness the expectations of others. Some never go away though. I expect family to look after family. I expect my grandfather to be a better man. I am so upset at what he's doing right now, that I'm choosing blissful ignorance over knowing the specifics. I feel like I already lost him. I guess that's true. That I ought to just mourn him now, because with what's left, it's no recognizable person whom I loved and adored.
Unfortunately, emotional upheaval and distress leaves an open door to inviting in contemplation of other stressors.
I can safely say that I made the right choice in closing the door on another unhealthy relationship recently...but it's still painful sometimes, even if I'm far happier without them. It took me years to realize what kind of person they really were, and what I was left with was shock that I had been so blind and had niscalculated so tremendously. I was asked a question that just revealed the answers to all of my unsettled queries--and I found I had absolutely nothing to offer. I would never live up to those expectations, I would never be good enough, so why bother? Better to cut ties and start fresh.
Plus, despite blocking them, if they really gave a shit, it's not like they couldn't get in touch through other means. Lack of confidence aside, I know what my value is to them (zero), and I know my worth (infinite).
I had never been so miserable in my life.
I'm making new ties with people that matter, renewing ties with people that have always been good to me.
I'm being very careful about who I let know anything about me anymore. Church and the Bible never used to make sense to me: "Harden not your heart." Well, fuck that. You get shit all over from loving too freely, then shut it off. So many people hurt me in one go, I can't even.
Since Texas, I have made two new friends.
Two. Because that's all I've found that I can trust.
I did try trusting a few others, but got seriously stabbed in the back by one set.
It's just not worth it. Yeah, depression and loneliness sucks, but I'd rather be alone than deal with people who aren't worth it.
To be fair, I've made other acquaitances, some of them may count me as friends, but, at the risk of repetition, two I know I can trust.
I envy people who make friends easily. But I also don't want a bunch of friends, just some really good ones. I'm grateful for the ties I've kept over the years that just keep on strengthening.
I am happier with my life than I have been in a long time. I don't consider myself depressed right now. I am very sad tonight about family stuff. With covers some people I had at one time counted as family. I'm also frustrated that some of those people aren't meeting my expectations. Even though logically I know that expectations are my own, therefore my own to deal with unless explicitly discussed with another person.
I guess I may also be sad that I'm single? But I'm also fucking glad that I am!
...I think what I miss is having deep meaningful relationships with people I can trust and be intimate with. That can be fulfill in a plethora of different ways.
What I am doing is holding out for someone that matters.
It is frustrating though, because at this point in my life, I thought I'd be a mom by now, and yes, a family is something I absolutely want. More than anything, and always has been.
What I am doing is paying off my car before finishing my degrees, and being patient.
Patience is truly my most hard earned lesson.
I could pay off my car tonight, actually. Be done with it. But there are certain issues I'd have to deal with concerning my car that I'm just not ready to deal with yet. That, and I need to make sure I have enough saved for my biannual insurance payment in January. Is it more irritating with budgeting? Yes. Does it save me money in the long run? The more important of the two yeses.
Obviously I have a bunch on my plate I need to vent about. I guess I'm just happy that I'm doing it in a healthy way.
I think the thing I'm most ashamed of about Texas, is finding Patricia a better home while I was too ill to properly care for her. The thing is, I thought it was a better home at the time, but in retrospect, I made a horrible mistake in the home I gave her to, and it eats at me. I just don't know if I made the right choice! I did want better for her, and I know at the time I was severely compromised, but damn it! If I couldn't do right by me, I just wanted to do rigjt by her.
At the time, I was so, just. Broken, I guess. That I was nearly willing to give up Archie, who legit is the living creature I have loved most in this life to a better caretaker.
I'm so happy I didn't, because I got better. I'm glad I didn't make that mistake.
Work has been going well. So big changes are coming in January that are going to effect me, but I don't know how. It's driving Nicki nuts, being unable to tell me. I can't even really predict any of the changes either, because it's so nebulous in nature. But I think and hope that something good is going to happen. If I'm lucky, maybe a promotion? Lol. I have no idea how all that would work because there aren't any available positions for that, but I know some crazy things are happening, I juat don't know what. But I look forward to it! :) :D
I've been sick for over a week now. And I'm over it.
What I'd really like to do is meet some like minded individuals in the area where it concerns my more spiritual beliefs. I miss being able to explore places and talk shop with open minded people. It's frustrating the most being alienated in that sense. It doesn't help that I work at an all Christian organization, even if they are generally wonderful people.
Vent sesh complete, I guess. I just needed to get rid of some of my extraneous emotions.
Looking forward to soon getting a Switch, and, I guess, looking at some degree programs!
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