Systems Waffle @systems-waffle - Tumblr Blog

It’s 7 degrees but my toes are freezing in bed & I was starting to have an asthma flare up. This is normally a sign of it being closer to 0.

Omg. I woke up so upset. I had a dream that I was in my mums house. A cousin I don’t really know was in the backyard & putting together an irrigation system for my grandad (who is long dead, but wasn’t dead in the dream). I was curious why he was putting in irrigation, so I went outside. My grandad who just returned from the dead had ripped out almost all my raised garden beds, including brand new ones & thrown everything in hard rubbish (household items too big for the rubbish bin, gets collected twice a year). I was absolutely devastated. I woke myself up being super upset & screaming. I almost really cried after I woke up.

Emotions are intense tonight & make me feel alone. Nothing has happened, at most I just can’t sleep right now. But it feels like things are awful. Probably just thinking way too much. Wish distractions worked. Hard to have strong enough distractions for this strong of emotions when I am also trying to sleep

It’s is freezing. Quite literally, it’s almost 0 degrees. I put the heater on in my room for a bit so I’m not so cold & can’t sleep (wild statement coming from me that sleeps with my window open & fan on all winter). However, it is not warm enough yet. But i just want to go to sleep. So instead, I shall post here & complain. But also how lucky i am to have such issues. I’m curled up in a warm, soft bed with my heater on. I would like the heater in my bed right now though. I already have a heat pack in the bed.

Overthinking. Like even my dreams are filled with overthinking. This is ridiculous. Currently one of the ways I’m overthinking is having someone come over today to help set up my computer. I built it over the weekend but he knows how to get the OS software cheap.

Also overthinking about going to the gym today. It’s still new so doing different things apparently needs to be overanalysed for a very long time before hand. At least according to my brain. Mostly over thinking doing a new exercise. Brain is trying to figure out if I feel comfortable with it.

Throw in some overthinking about counselling on Friday. Talking about a few things we’ve been struggling with. What to prioritise.

Hopefully writing this down quiets my brain a bit & I can go back to sleep. For some reason my brain has decided I’m not allowed to sleep between like 4:30 & 6am. Which is where we currently are at. Also the extra sleep I was getting has worn off from last gym day. And it’s less cold tonight, which means less good sleep. It really has to be under 10 degrees to count towards helping me sleep.

Being a person who loves winter, you’d think I’d be more excited by the current temperatures. But I’d really appreciate one day with slightly warmer weather where I can dry wishing. It’s kind of piling up. It never dries well enough inside my house. There’s too much moisture in the air.

Feeling really unsettled. It’s 3:15am & I should go back to sleep. But the unsettled feeling is bothering me & I don’t even want to try. I think it’s partly I just seem to have some reflux tonight. Maybe TMI but I don’t think a to e reads this anyway. I’m also way overthinking having the dog here that I’m puppy sitting. When I get up to go to the toilet, she gets up really excited & wants to be with me. Now I’m anxious about needing to get up again & having to shut her out again when I come back to bed. Honestly a silly reason to not want to go back to sleep. I’ll need to get up again at some point. I think it’s probably partly this reflux, like I’m worried about needing to do something for that. I don’t know if I should do something for that or just suck it up. Overthinking everything basically.

Also was talking to my friends fiancé about computer stuff & I feel guilty for asking so many questions. Even though he offered to help.

I think just waffling about all of this will help.

Struggling with feeling incredibly alone this week. My two closest friends have a lot going on, so I don’t feel like I can reach out & say something. It’s my birthday this week & I’m not doing anything, there’s nothing special about it. The things I kind of wanted to do to make it special, I can’t do because of various reasons. Someone who usually makes it a bit more special, has forgotten. I know that because I won’t talk to her again until Friday. I’m also dog sitting which is just stressing me out. She’s fine. She’s not a problem. It’s all in my head. But it’s still real even if there’s no real reason for the anxiety.

Having so much I normally deal with & always putting myself last, it the one day of the year where I like someone to put in a little bit of effort for me. But I’m not getting that & it makes me feel really alone. I could go out myself & get something. But I also struggle going out that day. It’s exhausting. I need the full day to rest. So leaving the house takes that coping away. Which is worse given the dog already taking more energy than I have & a few other shitty things going on.

I absolutely know that all of this is a me problem. Like I could do things to improve it. But it sucks to have to. It sucks to not have the capacity to. Just everything sucks & I need to express that I’m sad right now.

#mental health #trauma #did #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #otherwise specified dissociative disorder #birthday #alone #lonely

Fuck I hate cess pit that is Facebook. I still use it for a few community groups but when I do, it likes to reminded why that probably isn’t worth it.

In this particular instance, I think; what a sad & boring life people live, to not be curious about things. To not want to know why things are the way they are. Also to be cranky that other people want to know things, is ridiculous. Not everything has a clear cut answer from a search engine. Some questions are just too niche. They’re the kinds of questions that would only show up on reddit, if someone else had asked before.

Do other people not quell frustration with curiosity?

I get really pissy about people waking me up. Sleep is hard to come by & it’s desperately needed to function. Today is I’ve been woken up numerous times & I have to go out early, day. I guess on the plus side I’m awake early enough to eat before I go out. Sigh.

Accidentally ended up with 4 audiobooks from the library at once & I’m wondering if I can finish them all in the time I have.

Had one book that I started because all my other ones were holds & I didn’t know when any would be ready. Often times even if I’m approximately 2 weeks off, people will unsuspend holds & it’ll get pushed back or even if it does take 2 weeks, that’s 2 weeks without a book.

But the one I chose is 20 hours long & really involved. Not intentionally, it’s by the author I just finished another book from. The other books are a trilogy & I didn’t pay any mind to the length of this one. Consequently I decided to find something lighter, for when I didn’t want the endless book, so I found one & also made another hold at the same time, thinking the hold was a really light hearted book & I like having a light hearted option. That hold came in quickly.

Unexpectedly the hold I had unsuspended before borrowing any of these came through quicker than I expected because the library got another copy. I didn’t want to suspend it again. Hence the 4 books. Thankfully I guess nothing else is as long or complex as the first one so everything else will hopefully fit around the long one. I had to suspend a couple of others that seemed like they might come in soon though.

Can’t sleep or even get comfortable tonight. It’s really frustrating.

I was starting to get sleepy & now my brain is suddenly obsessed with remembering stuff from learning German

Apparently I wake up & stuck awake in the later part of my night at the moment. This is annoying.

I had been sleeping so well, now I’m kind of uncomfortable & cant shut my brain off to go back to sleep. I don’t want to take pain meds but might need to

Every so often I wake up to a loud screeching. I don’t know if I’m hallucinating or it’s a fault in a fire alarm. It’s really difficult not knowing which one it is. It hasn’t happened for several weeks after it being a weekly thing for a few weeks. The fire alarms are new, so really, it shouldn’t be them. Honestly I wish I could remove them so I didn’t have to wonder. But obviously that’s not possible. The sounds are slightly different I think which I guess leans towards it being a waking hallucination rather than the smoke alarms. I’m also in pain tonight so maybe that contributes & pain overnight has been less bad the last couple of weeks, so that stopped it for a while. Idk. It’s hard to make sense of.

Have support work & I so badly do not want to

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