oMaybe I should wait longer to write something. the words won’t come out right. My thoughts are messy. I've always been prepared for the day the news reports that SHINee have announce their disbandment. It never crossed my mind that there would come a day where I would read the news reporting that one of the members have passed away.
Even just writing that feels strange. It just did not occur to me. To read something like this... I just don't know. I can't properly put into words how I'm feeling. If you've been here a while, or know me personally..
I've been a fan of musical groups for as long as I can remember. S-Club 7, BSB, NSYNC and Girls Aloud were the first group I came to love. Due to my love of Anime and JRPG, I eventually came to know about Japanese music and their artists. Through that, I found "Tohoshinki" and discovered the KPOP world. I was a huge Cassiopeia, and DBSK was going through some tough times. Their eventual break up really hurt me. It was the first time I had witnessed a group I love "break up" rather than disband. I was still really young, so I couldn't understand what was happening and why they were breaking up, but I was sad. Despite that, I told myself I would support them in their separate activities as TVXQ and JYJ.
I've been a fan of SHINee since the early days. They were the first KPOP group I saw debut. When DBSK were going through their bad break up, SHINee was a group I looked to for comfort. They were like the younger DBSK for me, so I just followed them mindlessly. Seeing them grow, it was so fun. It was my first time seeing a group grow up from their debut. There is a different kind of love for a group you discovered half way into their career, and for a group who you've seen from day 1. Taemin was my first "bias", simply because he was the youngest and closest to my age. I loved all the members just the same. 9 years on, taemin still remains my favorite member. Being a overseas fan is hard, and during that time, KPOP was almost non existent to the western world.
I wouldn't say I had a bad childhood. No, I had a pretty good one if I'm being honest. However I don't think I've ever felt completely content with how things are. I was never satisfied, be it with myself or my situation. School had never been my favorite place in the world. I've had many memories I'd rather forget. My feelings only grew stronger as I got older. SHINee was one of the things that helped me a lot. One For Me and Romeo + Juliette where my favorite songs. I used to show them to my friends and they would laugh, saying things like "they look chinese" or "you don't understand them!". Their words hurt but I didn't care, because I would go home listening to SHINee on my mp3, and watch their latest appearance on star king, and speak with other fans online. I told my friends about various things, whenever they asked me why I was sad. I would tell them because that's what friends are for. I don't know if they listening or not. Empty words are given. SHINee.. ahh. This group helped me so much. A form of escapism.
But soon, as years went by, I didn't need them to escape anymore. SHINee had given me friends that understood me through their music. Friends I spent my teenage years with. I had someone to talk to, many people to talk to. Shawols. Some of them not shawols, but still close friends. We helped each other and learned to love ourselves. As years went on and their love for SHINee faded, our friendships stayed, and i'm grateful for that.
I'm blessed to have seen SHINee as 5. Their smiles made me so happy. watching them perform. watching their variety shows. listening to their radio. i had fun. I don't know if i'll ever be able to see them smile again.
SHINee made up a huge part of my life. I wouldn’t be the person I am now without them. I wished more people cared about them before this happened. why did this happen? why was no one there for you? so many people love you but no one was there to help you in this moment? why is life so cruel? why does everyone only care when you die?
The one group who I really believed would be together forever. i took pride in that. all the groups I had grown to love, SHINee was the only one who still had their original members, or not disbanded. is this karma? I wanted to see shinee reach 10 years together. Only a few months left. It was too unbearable for you to hold out until then, i’m sorry for being so selfish.
to believe is to be betrayed. to open your heart is to be hurt
i dont want to imagine how the other members are feeling. i don’t want to imagine how his mother, his sister are feeling. the people close to him.. if i’m feeling this way, i can’t imagine it. i don’t want to. please be okay
Knowing that someone who made me happy was hurting so much.. It's not that I didn't know. I knew. Jonghyun is an outspoken person, he spoke about his struggles, and I could relate to them. I had hoped that, despite those struggles, he had people around him who made him feel proud of himself, people who made him want to live. because no one understands you. It hurts that I couldn't make him feel proud of himself. Jonghyun, you did well. You really did well. I'm so sorry that you felt like you were not doing well. I'm so sorry that others didn't notice until you took your life. I'm sure you felt like you made the right decision. One of the bravest men I've been blessed to know. Thank you for living long enough for me to find happiness. Thank you for being the happiness i needed. I’m sorry you couldn’t find happiness in this life. rest peacefully.
I’m so happy i met shinee. i’m glad i saw you perform. I wish i could see that moment one last time with all 5 of you. i love you. what can i do right now? its okay. thats okay. i don’t want to live anymore
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