Wolf and Rats

I'm TK, a 24 yo half-Korean, half-Caucasian female and a starting Physical Therapist! I love Taekwondo (currently hold a 2nd Dan Black Belt), wolves, and I LOVE my rats! 

[taekyungwolf]

My temper and patience are short because no one is letting me express my sadness. I mention one thing and my sister gets immediately annoyed; I'm basically acting as her sugar mamma and the least she could do is just letme be sad without being annoyed. My grandparents lecture me about how he is a piece of shit and how first loves never last and how they know how I feel (which is not true, bc their definition of love is so archaic that a girl's quality is defined by her beauty and the man she ends up marrying). I just want to be alone I guess... I love it here but want to go back to Boston. But I'm afraid to go back to Boston because I just want things to get better between us even though I should be trying to move on... Or whatever it is that I'm supposed to do. Before I left we talked and are on good terms...which is also just confusing to me. They way he behaved is like he still loves me but is just mad at me. I miss him every day and hope that he misses me too........ I couldn't find out if I passed or failed on the NPTE bc they said I didn't fill out a survey (which is about studyimg habits... How should that determine whether I get my reaults or not??) that I am 90% sure I filled out. So I can't even go on Fb because all my classmates are like YAY when I don't even know if I passed because of all the shit that went down. My mom wont shut up about how I look like a guy and then she just mocks and laughs at me. She should be thankful that her family is still around and flying across the fucking world to see her at a corrections facility. Like wtf. I'm so sick and tired of everyone not even giving me a chance to breath and then wondering why I am irritable.

[never-mor]

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[taekyungwolf]

She did a sculpture of my DdooDdoo! <3

[taekyungwolf]

Today was hard. I went to work and tried to hold it together. But Luke, the PT who was my clinical instructor, and who currently signs my notes, had just gotten back from vacation and was like, “HEY! TK how’s it going?” and I just broke down. At least I got to work early enough to regain my composure. Thank the gods there was a company meeting today. That took 2 hrs out of my schedule, and my schedule was light. I only had 4 people, and no initial evals, finally. Today was my last work day before my 2 week trip to Korea.

I e-mailed my Master earlier today because last night, Peter tried to tell me that he was basically going to kick me out of the school and make sure that I couldn’t come. I told him he couldn’t do that; TKD is part of me and part of my life too-- it’s been part of me longer than we’ve been dating. But he was like, “Read the contract; We can terminate it at any time.” I was distraught. Why is he being so cruel?? So angry?? And why am I not resentful or hateful? But anyway, my Master e-mailed me back. He said, that I was his student, and one of his favorites; he doesn’t let people’s personal lives get in the way of TKD, and that I was of course always welcome. So, that gave me a little piece of mind. Now that I have no obligation to spend time with anyone after 9:00 (rats excluded), I can finish my notes later at night and take as many TKD classes as I am able. It just sucks... because I suck and still love him.

I finally took off our couple ring. I finally took off the diamond earrings he bought me. I went through Facebook and untagged me and/or him from as many pics as I could. It sucked. I basically went back in time, and saw all the happy times. And continued to wonder. WHY.

He called my dad and said that he would feed the rats when I’m gone. So that is a relief. He apparently tried to tell my dad that I couldn’t go to TKD, and my dad, knowing what Mr. Kim said, just told him that it was something that would be discussed between me and the school. So, IDK what will happen about that....

Peter texted me while I was eating dinner saying that he was coming home tomorrow and wanted to talk. I said okay, but.. what are we talking about? He said he wanted to make it clear that his decision was made, and to give us closure. I told him nothing could give me closure and I will never quite understand why things are the way the are now; that I knew he had made up his mind and that I’ve been trying since last Wednesday to find a fucking place to live even though I was having that stupid false hope that things would work out. So... IDK how tomorrow will go.

I’m just so hurt and upset. Why? Why, why, why? Why is this suddenly one-sided. Why the fuck is anything like anything?? I have so much stuff... SO MUCH STUFF to try and get together before I go, and even after I get back so that I can move.... And hopefully I will be able to find a good, convenient, and affordable place. I know that I will be fine, sort of. Like now I can do a shitton more TKD and get fit and be strong again; now I can do more art and maybe open an etsy shop. But... These were things that I was okay putting on the back burner because he was worth it. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck everything. Fuck everything.

I don’t want to be selfish but... I hope he wakes up one day and is like, Shit... I let a good thing go. I hope he is not happy, and that he is not satisfied with anyone else. I want things to work out eventually, and to try again. But I don’t want to try again if I have to go through this again.

Yeahyeah, I’m young and it’s so sad. But honestly, I know where I want to be in life. I know what I want to get out of it. I just wanted to share that with him. And if not him, I don’t really want to share it with anyone else. I don’t *need* a significant other. And I don’t even know how I could trust someone and be intimate again. Or that I even want to. I can just focus on me.... I just wanted it to be “us.”

[taekyungwolf]

I took my NPTE today. Idk hiw it went. Only used 3 out of the 5 hours. Treated myself to a bottlw of Soju and Korean food. 2hrs of Korean karaoke. Came home at 10:30. Peter wasn't here. Drove to TKD to talk. He just... Didn't want to try and communicate better or anything amymore. He said he was "tired" of trying. Wow. Good luck if you ever try amd date another girl (which would kill me..) bc I'm pretty sure I was pretty chill, actually. Also, he ia trying to tell me I can't go to the school anymore. Fuck no. He took love away, but he can't take TKD away. What am asshole he is being.... After almosy 6 years, I have been given up on. Life is suddenly disheveled, and I am confused, frustrated, and in anguish. He didn't want to to try and fix anything evwn though I tried, and he blamed me for everything. (EDIT: Not saying I was perfect, bc by far I am not) But... Here's to new beginnings. I just need to find a place to live. I need to be alone. And I need to TKD. I am still in disbelief and in denial--I thought things were perfect despite the bumps. But as I close the door to my academic life (hopefully), my romantic life is ending as well. I am just thankful for supportive family and friends, and my rats. I hope his hate and resent for me will subside...... And i hope I can heal from this and learn to trust again. So this is what heartbreak feels like..

[taekyungwolf]

HAHA OMG DoToRi is harassing BbobKi. For the longest time I just couldn’t figure it out, but I turned away from the practice exam when I heard squeaks and hopping, and i saw DoToRi humping BbobKi. *sigh* men XD

[taekyungwolf]

Today was my last day of studying. Tomorrow, I have to work. I’m annoyed because I have an initial eval, which takes forever to do and will take up whatever free time I could use to study intermittently throughout the work day. Oh well, though. That’s life, I guess. I just don’t really have the mental capacity for anything right now. 

I cried a lot today. Everything just feels so final. For some reason, I remembered that I had written a diary in Korean when I first started dating him and I found it. It hadn’t been written in since... 2010 I think (I’m obvi too lazy to go look). So I made a page for what had happened, hoping that it was not going to be so final..... I also re-discovered this metal guitar pick that he had given me 1-1.5 months into dating-- he distressed it himself so that it felt more secure when he held it, and then he decided to give it to me to carry around to think of him. I had forgotten about it for a while now, because I always was afraid to drop it and lose it. I found it on the floor behind his bedside table and was relieved. I texted briefly with Dan, who just told me that he would be chilling with Peter tonight, but that he didn’t want to be the go-between guy because he didn’t want to pick sides. I assured him that I did not want him to have to pick sides, and that I never wanted him to be the go between. I did ask him about advice for when to reach out to Peter, but... it just made me really sad. It just made everything seem so fucking final. Like that our relationship was really over. I just find it so, so hard to believe. It just wasn’t that bad! I know I keep saying that, but I am so confused and a at a loss. (I still haven’t heard from Peter.)

I also went through this heart box that I kept some other keepsakes from our adventures of dating. When I went to Korea in the winter of 2009 (~1.5 months after dating) I had gotten these love pills (they are just pills that have tiny-ass fucking papers inside that you write notes to your lover in when they are sad or when you are fighting and they need to be reminded). How convenient.... I found one that was a tiny glass vial and just had a little scroll. I remember that I had written something about how I loved him and would always be loyal to him, or some cheesy bullshit like that. So I took that, wrote him a short letter saying that I was sorry and that we needed to talk and other shit, and I put it on his bedside table. If he comes home at lunch tomorrow, I hope he will see it. If not, then on Wednesday at lunch, or Wednesday night when he gets home (bc I will be at Karaoke by myself singing away my anguish).

I went to my PCP today (although I didn’t see my PCP because she didn’t have anything that worked with my schedule). The lady I got was really nice, but I got lectured about anger management and getting counceling. I’m like, lady, I don’t normally punch walls and shit. These 6 weeks I’ve been stressed trying to manage time between work, studying, boyfriend, and rats; I have had to cut down my working out from 6-9 hrs a week to 0-2 hrs to get in my studying. And on top of that my relationship is dying. Yeah, yeah, that’s no excuse to punch a wall I guess. Whatever. It wasn’t the talk I needed today. But I got my x-ray in, but I have to wait for the radiologist to read it, so I will just continue to baby my hand as much as I can at work (which is actually hard). I looked at it myself but I can’t tell whether what I think is a fracture is a fracture or just the way the bones and contours of the bones are overlapping. That’s why there are radiologists, I guess. So hopefully I hear soon.

I just want Wednesday to come. And I just want to pass. I also want to actually see Peter and be able to have a real fucking conversation face-to-face, however horrible it may be for me to endure. 

Anyway, this was my break between the half-way point of a practice test, so I should get back to it so I can get some sleep.

[taekyungwolf]

Reviewing some women’s health stuff.

Every time I encounter the muscle Levator Ani (part of the pelvic floor) all I can think of is the Pokemon, Leavanny.... And the way it sounds in the dubbed version. >u<

[taekyungwolf]

Haven't heard back from the radiologist but.. What do you think? Lunate fracture? Or normal?? (yeahhhh I guess my R hand gets x-rayed often.. >n<) 

[taekyungwolf]

I wish I didn’t have to go into work this week.

[taekyungwolf]

I am just really scared that we are done for real. I really can’t believe it. There was nothing wrong with out relationship except for the fact that we are both currently stressed and likely also depressed. I am being medically managed with Wellbutrin, but it’s not gonna stop this amount of stress from triggering depression. Peter is not medically managed and doesn’t even have insurance. 

I just want to physically destroy everything. I feel like my chest is going to collapse with the amount of loss I feel. And it’s not just profound sadness but furstration and anger and destructive feelings at the fact that I am powerless to do anything about it. I am losing a part of me that I will never get back.

Yeahyeah, blablabla about how I’m still young and shit. I don’t give a fuck how old I am or that this is my first relationship and blablabla. Like, how does any of that actually matter? How? I really can’t see how it matters. Before I met Peter, I really didn’t think that I would date or get married; I knew that I didn’t want kids, and I am just a solitary person by nature. And then I met him. And I couldn’t and still can’t see myself with anyone other than him. I don’t give a fuck about all the fucking fish in the fucking sea. I really don’t. I don’t. I don’t need that stupid lecture.

[taekyungwolf]

If y’all are tired of hearing about my troubles, all the posts have been tagged:

#is this the end of me and Peter?

But there will be no pictures or anything for a while. 

[taekyungwolf]

우리 함께했던 시간의 흔적들 이젠 모두 지웠다고 생각했지만 서랍 속 깊숙이 숨어있던 네가 준 작은 메모 한 장 우리 서로 마지막 사랑이 됐으면 좋겠단 바람 나 없이 너는 행복한 건지 혹시 나만 아픈 건 아닌지 우리 사랑했던 시간만큼만 힘들면 널 잊을는지 좋은 친구로 남아 달라던 부탁 정말 미안하지만 난 못할 것 같아 나 없이 너는 행복한 건지 혹시 나만 아픈 건 아닌지 우리 사랑했던 시간만큼만 힘들면 널 잊을는지 난 가끔씩 마시던 술도 마시지 않아 혹시 술에 취해 또 너에게 전화해 너무 힘들다 말할까봐 나 없이 너는 행복한 건지 혹시 나만 아픈 건 아닌지 우리 사랑했던 시간만큼만 힘들면 널 잊을는지 언젠간 다른 사랑 하겠지 내 맘을 모두 주게 되겠지 하지만 네가 가져 가버린 내 맘만큼 작아져 있겠지 우리 함께했던 시간의 흔적들 내 마음속에 흉터로 남을 것 같아

--윤도현밴드, 우리 사랑했던 시간만큼

[taekyungwolf]

I was kinda worried all day about where Peter would have been spending the weekend, since his main friends (Dan, Tom (and Ben, who are roommates), and Gabriel) didn’t know about his whereabouts. I definitely refrained from trying to contact him.

I took a break at 1PM to go to the mall. My Halmeoni (grandma) always wants make-up from expensive brands sold in America and had requested some sort of anti-wrinkle stuff. (I have 0 knowledge of make-up... I just put on eye-liner and *maybe* some eye shadow when I go out (which is super rare anyway).) I ended up getting Estee Lauder (it’s a name my Halmeoni is familiar with) eye cream (day and night) in a relatively good sized bottle thingy. It cost $160. WTF. Fuck you, make-up. The lady tried to get me to buy a serum, which I wanted to for my Halmeoni, but the serum by itself was $92. I was all HELL NO THANK YOU. I also got some stuff my sister asked me to bring. And then I went home. I got home and realized that I had not done what *I* wanted to do, which was replace my phone so that I could actually connect to the internet and network, which is what I need to go to Korea (so I can make calls for free via Wifi). Welp, that was good of me. And also typical. I always forget about me-stuff. That’s okay... On Friday after my Continuing Education course (where I will be learning shittons of stuff from the super awesome Australian PT/MD Moseley, who is the shit at treating chronic pain-- he is like a celebrity, so I am excited) which is near Kenmore Sq, and a new T-mobile store opened there so I will go and try that.

I got kinda hungry around 9PM even though I had eaten dinner. I decided I wanted another milkshake (i got one last night) but I wanted to go to Emack ‘n’ Bolio’s because they are yummy and might actually make a super thick shake (or Frappe, as it is called in Boston). I drove there to Fenway, where it is, but there was a Red Sox game (I hate the Red Sox... sorry everyone. I just hate them... Mostly their annoying, drunk fans). So there was no parking. I ended up having to drive down the street that the TKD school is and saw the lights on, so I know that Peter is there. I REALLY wanted to try and talk to him, but I texted my sister and we decided to wait. Ugh..... At least I know he is somewhere normal and safe instead of random land (I know he is a big boy and can take care of himself, but his coping strategies aren’t the best).

I went to Shaws / Star Market and stared for a long time at the Cookies n Cream ice cream, but ended up getting Shin Ramyun (the spicy Korean ramen) and lean cuisine.... Yay. So now I am eating lean cuisine instead of ice cream.... It may have been a poor choice. ><

I just have to make it to Wednesday. Just make it to Wednesday night. Wednesday night. Keep studying studying studyingstudyingstudying. Thank the goddess for the rats. I look over at the cage sometimes and see them doing the fucking silliest things and it makes me smile. ...

[taekyungwolf]

Heartbroken TK Puppy

[taekyungwolf]

I texted with Gabriel... He hasn’t been to TKD since yesterday so hasn’t seen or heard of him since then. It seems like Peter is not chilling with him at all, but he is also not with Dan or Tom... I hope he is taking care of himself at least.

I decided after the Boards on Wednesday (hopefully everything will run on time and I’ll be done at 7:30) I’m going to this expensive-er Karaoke (NoRaeBang, in Korean) place run by Koreans. I just made a reservation for myself for 8:30... Puahaha. Sad. But... Gotta sing out my sorrow. It’s the Korean way, seriously. I will need it.

[palpamemes]

ESPN: “The Body Issue” Amanda Bingson, Paige Selenski, Natalie Coughlin, Leticia Bufoni, Ali Krieger, Aly Raisman,

[b-rizzle4shizzle]

Can we just recognized that they all have different body types but are all extremely athletic.

[klusterfuckme-deactivated201611]

And none of these photos are hyper sexualized 👏🏻

[taekyungwolf]

stinkyratties replied to your post “This morning, when I got out of the shower, I checked my phone. My...”

Study hard and it will fall into place <33

stinkyratties replied to your post “This morning, when I got out of the shower, I checked my phone. My...”

I can't believe how immature he is being :( at the very least you guys should have a conversation about everything. Sorry you're going through this, I hope it gets better <3

stinkyratties replied to your post “This morning, when I got out of the shower, I checked my phone. My...”

Haha just realized I replied to this twice xD

Hah <333 ^n^ You are so sweet. But yeah... IDK why he is being this way. I just had lunch with Chass (our friend) and she was shocked by the whole thing and doesn’t know why he is being this way eighter (and she has known him longer than I have). It’s also weird that he is not really reaching out to his friends (Dan, Tom) and reaching out to Gabriel at TKD, and their friendship is relatively new... Like not even 6 months. It also makes me worried because, Gabriel is somewhat my friend too, but he doesn’t know me like Dan and Tom do. And I am worried because if Peter rants and stuff, I feel like Gabriel will just perpetuate his hatefulness. OnO

noodlebutts replied to your post “This morning, when I got out of the shower, I checked my phone. My...”

<33333

<333333333333333 ㅠ.ㅠ