Today was hard. I went to work and tried to hold it together. But Luke, the PT who was my clinical instructor, and who currently signs my notes, had just gotten back from vacation and was like, “HEY! TK how’s it going?” and I just broke down. At least I got to work early enough to regain my composure. Thank the gods there was a company meeting today. That took 2 hrs out of my schedule, and my schedule was light. I only had 4 people, and no initial evals, finally. Today was my last work day before my 2 week trip to Korea.
I e-mailed my Master earlier today because last night, Peter tried to tell me that he was basically going to kick me out of the school and make sure that I couldn’t come. I told him he couldn’t do that; TKD is part of me and part of my life too-- it’s been part of me longer than we’ve been dating. But he was like, “Read the contract; We can terminate it at any time.” I was distraught. Why is he being so cruel?? So angry?? And why am I not resentful or hateful? But anyway, my Master e-mailed me back. He said, that I was his student, and one of his favorites; he doesn’t let people’s personal lives get in the way of TKD, and that I was of course always welcome. So, that gave me a little piece of mind. Now that I have no obligation to spend time with anyone after 9:00 (rats excluded), I can finish my notes later at night and take as many TKD classes as I am able. It just sucks... because I suck and still love him.
I finally took off our couple ring. I finally took off the diamond earrings he bought me. I went through Facebook and untagged me and/or him from as many pics as I could. It sucked. I basically went back in time, and saw all the happy times. And continued to wonder. WHY.
He called my dad and said that he would feed the rats when I’m gone. So that is a relief. He apparently tried to tell my dad that I couldn’t go to TKD, and my dad, knowing what Mr. Kim said, just told him that it was something that would be discussed between me and the school. So, IDK what will happen about that....
Peter texted me while I was eating dinner saying that he was coming home tomorrow and wanted to talk. I said okay, but.. what are we talking about? He said he wanted to make it clear that his decision was made, and to give us closure. I told him nothing could give me closure and I will never quite understand why things are the way the are now; that I knew he had made up his mind and that I’ve been trying since last Wednesday to find a fucking place to live even though I was having that stupid false hope that things would work out. So... IDK how tomorrow will go.
I’m just so hurt and upset. Why? Why, why, why? Why is this suddenly one-sided. Why the fuck is anything like anything?? I have so much stuff... SO MUCH STUFF to try and get together before I go, and even after I get back so that I can move.... And hopefully I will be able to find a good, convenient, and affordable place. I know that I will be fine, sort of. Like now I can do a shitton more TKD and get fit and be strong again; now I can do more art and maybe open an etsy shop. But... These were things that I was okay putting on the back burner because he was worth it. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck everything. Fuck everything.
I don’t want to be selfish but... I hope he wakes up one day and is like, Shit... I let a good thing go. I hope he is not happy, and that he is not satisfied with anyone else. I want things to work out eventually, and to try again. But I don’t want to try again if I have to go through this again.
Yeahyeah, I’m young and it’s so sad. But honestly, I know where I want to be in life. I know what I want to get out of it. I just wanted to share that with him. And if not him, I don’t really want to share it with anyone else. I don’t *need* a significant other. And I don’t even know how I could trust someone and be intimate again. Or that I even want to. I can just focus on me.... I just wanted it to be “us.”